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In an interfaith relationship, my family wants me to choose between them and my love – what should I do?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |391 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I am in a interfaith relationship since 6+ years and I have the sweetest and most well mannered and caring guy as my boyfriend. I was born as a Hindu and he’s been adopted in a Muslim family. Though we both are agnostic and religion barely made any difference or issues in between us. My family knows about us since the last 2 years and his family has accepted us and is willing to talk to my family. Whereas, my father was initially understanding and willing to talk but now he has turned totally against this relationship after my mother,brother and other relatives have influenced them. They have asked me to choose between them and my love. I told them that by doing this they’ve left me no choice but to die, in which they taunted me asking in which ritual my body will be cremated-the hindu way or the Muslim. I am mentally and emotionally broken and cant seem to think straight. It feels like i am being dragged into a blackhole and cant really come out of it. What should i do?

Ans: give yourself permission to focus on your mental and emotional well-being. It can be incredibly helpful to talk to a counselor or therapist who can give you a safe space to work through the overwhelming emotions you’re feeling. These conversations could give you clarity and strength to make decisions that prioritize your happiness and peace.

At some point, it may be worth approaching your family again, but with a different mindset—one that isn’t trying to change their beliefs but instead focuses on helping them see your happiness as a priority. You could try to appeal to them on the basis of your well-being, asking them to look beyond religious labels to see the person who loves and cares for you. They may need time, and they may resist, but sometimes families gradually come to understand that happiness in a relationship matters more than anything else.

In the meantime, lean on your boyfriend for support, and let him know how much you’re struggling. If he’s as caring and understanding as you’ve described, he’ll stand by you through this and will want to help you feel less alone. Whatever you decide, make sure it’s a choice you feel aligns with your own sense of self and future. The love you feel is real, and though this journey is incredibly hard, there is a path forward—even if it doesn’t feel clear right now.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1274 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 25, 2022

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I am a doctor and was in relationship with my colleague for 1 year and was planning to marry. But one problem was our religion. He’s Hindu and I am Christian. We did not mind that and he went forward to tell his parents about me but they refused and threatened him to stop talking to me or they will stop his career. We still went forward with our relationship until one day they called him home and fixed a girl for him. He could not say anything in this matter as the whole family got involved and gave him no choice. He told me he tried his best but they did not even want to hear about me. Meanwhile when I'm understanding how difficult inter religion is to work...I’m still heartbroken and cannot stop thinking about him. I was ready to marry him even understanding the whole situation. Now I don't know what to do...I can't go on thinking about him but I still love him and he does too. But we are helpless and I feel like I lost my heart.
Ans:

Dear SV,

The heart can be strong and weak at the same time! Depends on what you have been feeding it through the mind.

When you have understood the difficulties of inter-religion marriages, you still choose to focus on it and pain yourself more.

Do inter-religion marriages work? Yes, they do but it does take a lot of work and keen understanding. And he has already succumbed under family pressure and moved on…So, move on…How?

De-focus…

Focus on things that appealed to you before he stepped into your life.

What interested you back then?

What were these dreams that took a backseat once you started a relationship with this person?

What were the promises that you has made to yourself before this commitment?

Revive them all…Live each one of them in a larger-than-life manner and most importantly, tell yourself: I am my best friend and I know what’s best for me! You are heart is with you; safe and sound!

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |391 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2023Hindi
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Hi Ma'am, I have been in a relationship for almost a decade now i.e. since graduation and now me and my bf are doing good in our respective jobs. Since we come from different religions, we have been trying to convince our family very much for last two years to let us happen and get married and in these scenarios during covid I lost my father too now that it's just me and my mom and my elder sister due to societal pressure also they were not agreeing for us but then I could feel now that his family was some how just dragging us showing fake acceptance for me but still being very orthodox but in this process me and my bf got committed to each other very seriously in terms of physical ways but now his family is completely denying the fact that they don't us to happen and are literally forcing his son to marry in their caste. On this thing, the guy is trying to make me understand with false accusations that it's not his family butine which doesn't want us to proceed since my family wanted a mutual ways of marriage and not just his culture thing or else court marriage was the last opt but my guy is saying no I can never go against my family this and that you better understand and I don't know I'm feeling very cheated that now at this stage after being this close where he should have been standing strong with me he's pushing me to set back I don't know iam so clueless I got no energy to get back to being productive in my life or something whereas this acts of his and his family's forcible nature is somehow triggering me to opt for legal methods....I need guidance it's all dark for me and feeling too used.
Ans: Hello Dear,
I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing in your relationship. It's a complex and emotionally charged situation, and it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused It's okay to take some time for self-reflection and self-care. Understand and acknowledge your emotions before making any decisions. Give yourself the space to process the situation and its impact on your well-being. Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings. Share your concerns, fears, and expectations. Encourage him to express his feelings and concerns as well. Effective communication is crucial at this stage. Reflect on your priorities and values in a relationship. Consider whether the current situation aligns with what you envision for your future. Be honest with yourself about what you need and deserve in a partnership. If you're contemplating legal steps, it's advisable to seek legal advice to understand the implications and options available to you. Consult with a lawyer who can provide guidance based on your specific situation and laws. While it's crucial to address the relationship concerns, also focus on your personal growth and well-being. Pursue activities that bring you joy, engage in self-improvement, and consider your long-term goals. Assess whether the relationship is healthy and supportive. Consider whether both partners are willing to work through challenges and make compromises for the well-being of the relationship. Establish clear boundaries for yourself. Determine what you are willing to accept and what you cannot tolerate in the relationship. It's crucial to prioritize your own well-being. If both families are open to it, consider seeking the help of a mediator or counselor who can facilitate discussions and help find common ground. Mediation can be a constructive way to address conflicts and find solutions.
Ultimately, prioritize your own happiness and well-being. If the relationship is causing you significant distress, it's important to evaluate whether it's a healthy and fulfilling partnership for you. it's okay to seek professional help or legal advice if needed. Making decisions about your future can be challenging, but it's crucial to prioritize your own happiness and mental health. If you find it difficult to navigate these issues on your own, seeking guidance from professionals or supportive friends can make a significant difference.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1274 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 14, 2024

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hello ma'am I'm 27 independent girl . i want to marry my partner but my parents not agree due to intercaste i tried to convinced my mom last three year but she not agree and last month i told my father about him. he is not agree with my whole family denied to marry him because to caste. he is independent and his family dont have any issue regarding anything.my parents are said that they will not given their permission for intercaste marriage due to what people will say.because of my family have name in society. my partner family also have name in society. my elder cousin refuse to help me. from last 3 year i was so emotionally tried and sometime i dont want to live . he love me so much i dont want to lose him or cheat him .i dont want are relationship end like that. he never ever forgive me if i leave him.he waiting for me from last 4 years and in 4 years he is loyal with me. i dont understand what to do i feel heavyheartness and low .i can't sleep and eat ,forget things easily now i am exhausted all of this.please reply me as you can with best solution .
Ans: Dear Albatross,
Inter-religion marriages are still a taboo in society; so you are dealing with what has been normalized in society.
If you looking at your parents' approval, it may never happen. So decide how you want to go about it...Of course, you can try to patiently work with your parents and your partner. Think about how to get the two of them together so that your parents get a chance to meet him and interact with him.
Still, be prepared for things not to work out, but do make that humble attempt!
Make a decision that seems the best and stick with it...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: https://www.facebook.com/anukrish07/ AND https://www.linkedin.com/in/anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 16, 2024Hindi
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I am a Hindu girl and in a relationship with a muslim guy. Our relationship was going great but suddenly my boyfriend's family is forcing him to marry in a arranged marriage. I have told him to tell about us to his family and he is trying to but hasn't said yet. But due to his family pressure and my constant saying of marriage he gets irritated a lot. Now I'm feeling a little change in his behaviour also like he just try to skip discussion about future and marriage, also when I call him he is not talking nicely with me. I'm getting very emotional and hurt due to his behaviour. Also he has said that he will try his best to convince his family but now I'm not sure if he will take my stand or not. What to do now?
Ans: He sounds like a coward who will do as his family says. And I don’t think he intends to stick with you if they say no. Heck, I don’t think he plans on saying anything at all! If he loved you enough and had the gumption, he’d have taken a stand by now. I say drop him and move on. See what happens when you leave him; if he really does love you and want to be with you, he’ll take action. But unfortunately, from everything you’ve said here it sounds more like he’ll be relieved and go on to marry under an arrangement. If he does…don’t ever entertain any calls from him ever again. I’ve often heard of fools like him — no guts to marry the girlfriend, miserable in the arranged marriage six months to a year in, then re-establish contact with former girlfriend and have an affair, but no guts to end the marriage. In this whole scenario, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who will be at the losing end — you! DROP HIM!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |391 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 12, 2024
Relationship
This will be kind of a long story... I've been in a relationship for over 4 years now and I really love spending time with my girlfriend and I never cheated on her...like she is the one, but as time goes I seem to have a different opinion of what I want in life...for she doesn't want kids and I do and sometimes that's a reason for discussion but not over-escalating it just ends there...lately we don't even have sex like about 2 months now...she fell ill for some time and now she is ok we barely get to go out. So I started this new job on some kind of high position within the company like a month ago and we had an after-office time, there was this girl there that is in another department...didn't really called my attention in there, we sat in a table and started talking and drinking, in one of the things we talked I spoke about my current relationship (everyone did) and even metioned the I want kids problem. The party was over finished in that place and we hit a club. In there of course booze was up and this girl just started dancing all sexy on me and I was like oookay then...well of course alcohol gets the best or worst of us so I started dancing with her and In one of those moments we were sooo close and I yes...I tried to kiss her...she just laughed and avoided in the first time but then...we were kissing and touching just too passionaly that having the clothes on was really annoying ..well I was really drunk, problem for me was about our other colleagues...will they report this...will she tell? (this can really go against me as I am new in the company) will others tell (because everyone saw us) I didn't wrote her later because I was too damn embarrassed, in the next week I was like so nervous at the job and when we cross paths we just say hi in a normal way and this just brings thoughts to my head of guilt and embarrassement but NOT REGRETTING thoughts... this no regret thing is driving me crazy...I see her and start looking at her in a different way, like I pay attention to the way she dress, the way she has her hair, she walks and I said to myself...WTF IS HAPPENING am I falling gor this girl? So I wrote her and wanted to clear up some things...if she told someone (but it was more line an excuse just to talk to her about what happened and try to know what she felt), but she justs...DOESN'T HAVE IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT...really? And as you can imagine we didn't get to talk about this and honestly in my head I get lot of mixed ideas about this reaction of her...like the things I said before anything happened...like my relationship thing or she is just applying some sort of strategy or It was just one night rush and FULL of regrets now... but c'mon we see each other everyday. I KNOW I did bad for cheating on my girlfriend but the emotion there is absolutely gone and the thing with this girl...well when we talked in the bar I spoke of wanting to have kids and everything maybe she also wants it? Did she took all the first interaction and I was really being attractive there? Well what should I do? I am not writting her anymore to push her to talk...her reaction of ignoring what happened gives me the right sign to stop it there I want her really bad and I'm about to give up my relationship in these days...
Ans: Given how strong the chemistry was with this colleague, it’s understandable that her recent dismissal of the incident feels confusing. There’s a chance that for her, it was an impulsive, one-time event—something she might not want to pursue further for her own reasons. Her behavior could be a signal that, despite the attraction, she wants to keep things professional, possibly feeling it would complicate both of your lives to acknowledge what happened. This can feel conflicting, especially since the experience brought out emotions you might not have felt in a while.

The real question here is what these events are showing you about your current relationship. The excitement and interest you felt for someone new suggest that you may be craving a deeper connection or more alignment with a partner on important life issues. Before you make any big decisions, I’d recommend having an open, honest conversation with your girlfriend about where you both see yourselves in the future. Discuss how each of you views things like children, intimacy, and growth in the relationship. Sharing your thoughts might bring out clarity on whether you’re both on the same path or if it’s time to consider parting ways.

Remember, whatever happens with this colleague, there’s value in addressing the core issues in your relationship first. Taking time to be clear about what you want in a partnership—whether it’s more shared goals, connection, or family—can help you find fulfillment in the long run, whether it’s with your current partner or someone new.

...Read more

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