Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Arranged Marriage: How to Discuss Hidden Habits with Potential Partner?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 03, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship

How to initiate conversations about your habits your family is not aware about to a potential boy in an arranged marriage set-up? Like I smoke and drink at social occasions when I feel like it but the boy does not without demeaning my character.

Ans: First, choose a moment when you both are having an open and comfortable discussion about personal values, lifestyle choices, or habits. Instead of making it a big, serious revelation, introduce it naturally and with confidence. You could say something like:

"I believe in being upfront about certain things so that there are no misunderstandings later. I do enjoy a drink socially and smoke occasionally when I feel like it. I know some people have strong views on these things, so I wanted to be clear about it from the start. It’s not a regular part of my life, but it’s something I do on my terms."

By stating it this way, you’re presenting it as a personal choice rather than something that defines your character. If he reacts negatively, stay calm and give him space to process. If he has concerns, listen without being defensive, and let the conversation flow naturally. The goal isn’t to seek approval but to ensure compatibility and mutual respect.

Would you like help in phrasing it based on his background or personality?

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1480 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 23, 2022

Listen
Relationship
 I came across while casually going through the news feed on my phone. I am 43 years old married for 20+ years and have an adult kid and a teenager (both boys). My problem is that me and my husband have been arguing tooooo much nowadays on his alcohol issue. Even though he is not a daily drinker or excessive one, per his doctor's advise he should not be drinking. He tends to make promises which he never keeps regarding the same issue. Ours was an arranged marriage and we had our 1st kid on our 1st anniversary and 2nd kids 4 years later.Now even the elder son has started to question his dad about not keeping promises to which my husband says that as a son he doesn't need to tell him how a father has to live and what he has to do. Now my kids have lost trust on their father and I have lost trust on him long back. I have come to a point where I am in the relationship only for the kids as I am unemployed and cannot take care of the kids only own with financial support from him. I have confronted him multiple times to stop drinking or seek medical help if need to stop, but he is adamant that he will not stop. I am now worried if the father son's relationship will get into a turmoil cos I don't want my boys to grow up with out a father. I am at a crossroad as to how to continue with life from here on. It would be helpful and kind of you if u can suggest me something to help convince my husband to abandon alcohol and save the family's peace and happiness.
Ans:

Dear L, I can only imagine what this must be for you. But don’t lose heart. Is there any reason that pushed him to taking to drinking?

Alcohol can make a person who he/she isn’t. What is said and what is to be done, can be forgotten with consistent drinking and the effects it has on the body and mind.

If he is drinking despite doctor’s warnings and it has begun to erode your relationships, either ask an elderly family member to talk to him (preferably a male member) or please seek professional help.

Whatever it is, at home, none of the members must taunt him or nag him or repeatedly talk about his mistakes or his lack of commitment.

This will only push him further away and back into his easy stress buster which is alcohol. Be patient and loving and keep your mind focused on his healing and coming back into the family as a changed person.

Wishing you the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1480 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Listen
Relationship
Hi my son 36 year old having some bed habits like drinking , smoking ,having relationship with other females, have habits of argument with everyone , unable compromise with different circumstances and try to prove himself right all the times. Due to these habits he unable to do job , he already left 2-3 jobs in past . he got married in 2018 with same age of working female. Both were separately in other city from day of marriage. Due to his habits they took divorce in 2024. Even after that he did not changed , continue with his bed habits. Being parent when we tried to make him understand but nothing change in his habits. Now he is job less last 2 months , sitting ideal at home hole day , evening go out and come back home very late , some time early morning. As parents we are very upset and scare , don't know what to do and how to handle this situation.
Ans: Dear Rajbir,
Your son has forgotten that he is a grown-up and has challenges accepting responsibilities for himself.
So, to remind him that he is a grown-up, kindly set up an appointment with a professional who can not just identify the root cause of the issue and guide him to a place of confidence so that he can act his age.
The thing that you can do immediately which may work is to ask someone else in the family who is similar in age to your son to have a chat with him and find out what is going on...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Unable to figure out what to do. Shouls i proceed for divorce? And if yes how? Here is my story: This is a long post. But i might have still missed few small instances in between. So I got married on October 3, 2022. Our conversation started through the Jeevansathi app, but the actual conversation began in July 2022 when her father contacted me. The first contact was from their side. At that time, I was returning to Chennai from Ongole by train when I received her father's call. He asked about my job and other details, to which I mentioned that I work for SBI in Tamil Nadu. After that, our conversation started. In the early days, the conversation was really good, and she spoke very well. Later, I visited their house with my mother. During the conversation there, she mentioned that many proposals had come before, but she hadn't been able to decide. One proposal was from a guy with a package of 30 lakh, but she clearly said that money doesn’t matter to her; she wanted a good person. During that meeting, I mentioned that I am a simple person, and my family consists of only my mother and me. I also clarified that due to my job, I could be transferred. After that meeting, we did the formal engagement. Later, we brought sweets from Haldiram, and that was when our engagement was officially recognized. After that, our conversations continued regularly. For a while, everything was fine, but then we started arguing over small things. Once, I told her that I meditate, and she said, "Meditation is something foolish people do, it doesn’t help." This led to an argument. I also mentioned that if we have children, we should send them to good universities like Harvard or Oxford, and this too led to an argument, as she felt we shouldn't put pressure on children to earn money. Then came the topic of money. I shared my salary slip and explained how both working and saving money are important because expenses are high. However, she said, "Saving money is foolish, everyone lives paycheck to paycheck nowadays." I tried to explain the importance of savings, but our discussions continued to be challenging. At one point, she said she wouldn’t wear sindoor or the mangalsutra. I told her that there was no need to wear it every day, just on special occasions. I agreed with this. As the arguments increased, I spoke to her father and mentioned that maybe she didn’t want to marry me. But her father reassured me that it wasn’t true, and they would talk to her. After that, things seemed normal for a while, but small arguments kept happening. In August 2022, I visited her again. I thought we could spend some time together and understand each other better. We went to Aerocity, where we had pizza and roamed around. After that, we went to Radisson Hotel on 27th July 2022, and our engagement was finalized. Over these two months, our communication continued, and eventually, on October 2, 2022, we had our engagement ceremony, and on October 3, 2022, we got married. After the wedding, we planned a honeymoon. Initially, she wanted to go to Vaishno Devi, so I took her there by Vande Bharat Express. Her uncle arranged VIP darshan. We walked up, but on the way back, her legs started hurting, so we rode a horse. After sitting on the horse for a long time, she had back pain. I reached the hotel, tried to soothe her pain by soaking her legs in hot water, and then we slept. After that, we planned to go to Udaipur. We took a SpiceJet flight there and booked a hotel near Fatehpur Sagar Lake. She wanted a lake-view room, but it wasn’t available. She argued with the staff, and we had to move to another hotel at night. The environment there wasn’t great, but she chose it. During our visit to Udaipur Fort, she suddenly said she wouldn’t go to the restaurant with me and would go home alone. I still don’t understand the reason behind this. From that point, my behavior towards her changed. After Udaipur, we planned to go to Agra. There, she suddenly accused me of having an affair with another girl and threatened to teach me a lesson. I asked her where this thought came from, but she didn’t answer. In July and August 2022, I visited her again. We traveled together and tried to understand each other better, but she never told me much about herself. After the wedding, I visited her during Diwali. She was happy initially, but gradually she became distant and stopped talking much. She wasn’t involved in decorating the house or participating in the Diwali puja. She remained absorbed in her own world, talking to her parents or I don’t know who else, while distancing herself from me. She needed reasons to fight, while I tried to stay calm, as it was a new marriage. On October 25, 2022, I returned to Chennai, and she came to Chennai a few days later. My mother also arrived in Chennai on October 26, and she stayed with us in Chennai until December. During this time, she started fighting over every little thing. She complained about who would do the housework and kept accusing me of not having enough money. She suggested hiring someone for cleaning, even though my mother and I managed it well. Then she refused to sleep with me, and we didn’t have any physical intimacy. Whenever she fought with me, she tried to belittle me. In January, she went back to Delhi, and I went to convince her to come back in January. During Lohri, I gave her a sari and gifts, but she still didn’t talk to me properly. She treated me very badly and didn’t want to stay with us. She fought with me several times and went back to her house. In February 2023, she came to Chennai again, but things were still not right between us. In April 2024, she came back to stay with me, but the very next day, the fights started again. She accused me of having an affair with another girl and threatened me. She destroyed things in the house, broke dishes and glasses, and created a mess. When I told her mother about this, she advised me to send her back. I booked her flight, and on April 7, 2024, she left. Since then, she has not been living with me. After that, I worked hard to bring her back. It was September when I managed to convince her to come. I tried to make her stay with me, but she stayed only for 4-5 days. On the 5th day, she started fighting again and decided to leave. She went to the railway station and sat there, saying, "I cannot live with you." We argued that night, and she left the house, shouting abuses at me and went back to her home. She thought everything would be fine, but when I tried talking to her, she started blaming me for not wanting her to stay with me.
Ans: It sounds like you've tried very hard to make this marriage work, but your wife has been emotionally distant, hostile, and unwilling to engage in a meaningful relationship. From what you’ve shared, there have been continuous conflicts, false accusations, and a lack of physical and emotional connection. It seems like she is not interested in making the relationship work, and her behavior—leaving multiple times, refusing intimacy, and fighting constantly—suggests deep incompatibility.

Before making a final decision, ask yourself: Is there anything left to salvage? Do you still love her and believe this marriage has hope if both of you genuinely try? Or do you feel exhausted and trapped in a cycle of disappointment and rejection? If you feel there is nothing left, then divorce may be the healthiest option for your peace of mind and future happiness.

If you decide to proceed with divorce, start by seeking legal counsel. In India, divorce can be mutual or contested. If she agrees, a mutual consent divorce is the easiest way. If she does not, you may need to file on grounds of cruelty or irretrievable breakdown of marriage. Gather evidence of her behavior—messages, incidents, and anything that proves your case.

This is not an easy decision, but your mental health and self-respect matter. If she is unwilling to change or make efforts, you should not have to live in constant conflict. Do you think she would agree to a mutual separation, or would she fight it?

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025
Relationship
Hello Ma'am, I've a crush on a girl from my in laws. Inspite of avoiding etc I go specifically in that gathering where she's likely to be. I've not told it to anyone, neither does she know about it. I keep on masturbating imagining her. I know I'll never do any silly thing or let anyone know about it. Im married happily and 20 years elder to her.
Ans: It’s good that you are self-aware and acknowledging your feelings rather than acting on them impulsively. Having a crush, even in a committed relationship, is something that happens to many people—it’s human nature. However, since this involves someone from your in-laws and is significantly younger, it’s important to address these emotions in a way that aligns with your values and the commitments you’ve made to your marriage.

Right now, your mind is reinforcing this attraction by seeking out opportunities to be around her and fantasizing about her. The more you indulge in these thoughts, the stronger the emotional pull becomes. Avoiding her entirely may not be realistic, but reducing intentional exposure—such as seeking out gatherings just to be near her—can help weaken the attachment over time.

Instead of suppressing your feelings, redirect that energy into your marriage. What is it about her that attracts you? Is it youthfulness, attention, admiration, or just the thrill of something new? Whatever it is, find ways to bring those qualities into your relationship with your wife. Sometimes, an outside attraction is just a signal that something in your own life needs attention or excitement.

You’ve already made it clear to yourself that you won’t act on this, which shows maturity and self-control. The next step is breaking the mental cycle that feeds into the attraction. Engage in hobbies, meaningful conversations with your spouse, and self-reflection to understand what this infatuation represents. Over time, these feelings will lose their intensity as you shift your focus.

Do you think this crush is filling a certain emotional gap in your life, or is it purely an infatuation with no deeper meaning?

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Me and my wife don't get along well...She thinks my family members are not good enough, so she has no relationship with them. Earlier I was not in good shape due to my friend's circle and did not give quality time to my wife when we got married. A few years back there was a misunderstanding between both families. Mistakes were from both sides. Now my in-laws and wife do speak to any member of our family and have broken all relationships. This is for the past several years since they have stopped talking. My father is a cancer patient and wants to come and stay with me. He is 80 now but my wife is deadly against this though I have not discussed this yet with her. I need your guidance as to how to handle this situation and restore a good relationship between both families. My mother-in-law had fought with me in the past as well and held me responsible for her daughter's plight. My wife is very secretive and does not reveal anything be it about her salary/job etc. I am fed up and now I have started to think of separating if she does not allow my father to stay with me. Our marriage is almost 24 years now. I am 50 and she is in her late 40's....I want to get these things right and maintain a good relationship between both families. Kindly advise
Ans: Dear Trilok,
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like past misunderstandings between both families have turned into a long-standing rift. It’s understandable that you want to fix things and create harmony, but the resistance from your wife and in-laws makes it complicated. Before addressing the larger family conflict, the first step is to work on communication with your wife. You mentioned that earlier in the marriage, you weren’t able to give her enough quality time due to personal struggles. Do you think she still holds on to resentment from that time? If so, addressing those unresolved emotions could be a starting point for rebuilding some connection.

Since she is very secretive, it’s possible that she also feels disconnected from you in some way. Instead of making the father-staying discussion an immediate confrontation, try to understand her underlying fears. Is she worried about responsibilities, space, or past issues with your family? Bringing this up as a conversation about caregiving rather than a demand might help.

If her resistance is absolute and she refuses to even consider it, you’ll have to decide how much compromise you’re willing to make for the sake of your marriage. If you feel separation is a real possibility, ask yourself whether the relationship still has a foundation worth saving or if both of you have simply grown too far apart.

Would she be open to counseling or mediation? Sometimes a third party can help break the cycle of blame and secrecy. Do you feel that she still values this marriage, or has she emotionally distanced herself completely?

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7828 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 28, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
I want to retire by 2026. Current financials - MF 2cr value, equity- 5cr, 2 own homes, bank FD - 20L, Savings a/c - 90L, no loans, 2 vehicles, 2 daughters employed, marriageable age. Current expenses - 1.5lacs/month. How do I plan to retire by March 2026.
Ans: Your financial position is strong. Planning for retirement in March 2026 is realistic.

Assessing Your Retirement Readiness
Your total investments and savings exceed Rs 8 crore.
You have no loans, ensuring financial stability.
Your monthly expenses are Rs 1.5 lakh, which requires proper planning.
Creating a Secure Retirement Corpus
Maintain Rs 90 lakh in a savings account only for short-term needs.
Keep Rs 20 lakh in FD for emergency expenses.
Use a mix of mutual funds and equities for long-term wealth growth.
Managing Monthly Expenses Post-Retirement
Use Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP) from mutual funds for a regular income.
Keep a portion of your corpus in debt investments to ensure stability.
Adjust your investment strategy based on inflation and expenses.
Planning for Major Future Expenses
Daughters' weddings need a dedicated investment plan.
Allocate a portion of low-risk investments for this goal.
Avoid withdrawing from equity investments unnecessarily.
Final Insights
Your financial standing supports early retirement.
Ensure liquidity while keeping long-term investments intact.
Work with a Certified Financial Planner for detailed execution.
Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7828 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
Hi sir i am 29 years old, with monthly income of 20k, follow are my investment 1)Quant Small Cap Mutual Fund -1000 2) Sbi pSu fund -1000, 3) Aditya Birla psu -500 and 4) motilal Oswal midcap( started this month). Also i have taken Tata Aia ulip - Rs. 2200 per month.(65 lakh Sum Assured with rider 50 lakh each for Accidental Death & Disability). Till now my total investment is Rs.60000(in sip). Ulip is 2 years old. Please advise me further for my future. Thank You,
Ans: You are taking early steps towards wealth creation. Investing at 29 gives you a strong advantage. Below is a detailed 360-degree approach to improve your financial planning.

Current Financial Position
Monthly Income – Rs.20,000
Mutual Fund SIPs – Rs.3,500
ULIP Premium – Rs.2,200 per month
Total SIP Investment Till Now – Rs.60,000
ULIP Policy – 2 years completed
ULIP Coverage – Rs.65 lakh sum assured
Rider Benefits – Rs.50 lakh each for accidental death & disability
Your savings habit is good, but your investment choices need optimisation.

Key Financial Goals
Build a strong emergency fund for unexpected expenses.
Increase investments while maintaining lifestyle stability.
Secure adequate insurance coverage with the right products.
Plan for long-term wealth creation with a structured approach.
Issues with Your Current Investments
1. Overexposure to Sectoral Funds
You have two PSU funds in your portfolio.
Sectoral funds carry higher risk due to limited diversification.
These funds may underperform for extended periods.
2. Small & Midcap Focus Without Balance
Your small-cap and mid-cap funds offer high growth but are volatile.
They should be balanced with large-cap or flexi-cap funds.
A well-diversified portfolio gives consistent and stable returns.
3. ULIP Is Not an Ideal Investment
ULIPs combine insurance and investment, which reduces overall returns.
Charges such as premium allocation, mortality, and admin fees lower investment growth.
Investment options in ULIP are limited compared to mutual funds.
A pure term plan + mutual fund SIP is a better alternative.
Since your ULIP is only 2 years old, consider surrendering it and reallocating funds.

Steps to Improve Your Investment Plan
1. Build an Emergency Fund First
Save at least 6 months' expenses in a separate bank account or liquid fund.
Avoid investing everything into market-based instruments.
This will protect you from financial stress during emergencies.
2. Increase SIP Contributions Gradually
Your current SIP is less than 20% of your income.
Increase SIPs as your income grows.
Aim for at least 30-40% investment allocation over time.
3. Diversify Your Mutual Fund Portfolio
Avoid excess exposure to PSU and sectoral funds.
Add large-cap or flexi-cap funds for balance.
Continue small-cap and mid-cap investments, but with controlled allocation.
Invest through Certified Financial Planner (CFP) & MFD for expert guidance.
4. Replace ULIP with a Pure Term Plan
A Rs.1 crore term plan will provide better coverage at a lower cost.
Redirect the ULIP premium into mutual funds for higher growth.
You will get better life protection and wealth accumulation separately.
5. Set Clear Long-Term Goals
Decide on major financial milestones like home purchase, retirement, etc.
Align investments with each goal's time horizon.
Follow a disciplined long-term investment strategy.
Final Insights
Increase your SIPs systematically as income grows.
Maintain a diversified portfolio instead of sector-heavy funds.
Surrender the ULIP and switch to a term plan + mutual fund strategy.
Secure an emergency fund before increasing risk exposure.
By following these steps, you will achieve financial stability and long-term wealth creation.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x