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Arranged Marriage: How to Discuss Hidden Habits with Potential Partner?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |545 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 03, 2025Hindi
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How to initiate conversations about your habits your family is not aware about to a potential boy in an arranged marriage set-up? Like I smoke and drink at social occasions when I feel like it but the boy does not without demeaning my character.

Ans: First, choose a moment when you both are having an open and comfortable discussion about personal values, lifestyle choices, or habits. Instead of making it a big, serious revelation, introduce it naturally and with confidence. You could say something like:

"I believe in being upfront about certain things so that there are no misunderstandings later. I do enjoy a drink socially and smoke occasionally when I feel like it. I know some people have strong views on these things, so I wanted to be clear about it from the start. It’s not a regular part of my life, but it’s something I do on my terms."

By stating it this way, you’re presenting it as a personal choice rather than something that defines your character. If he reacts negatively, stay calm and give him space to process. If he has concerns, listen without being defensive, and let the conversation flow naturally. The goal isn’t to seek approval but to ensure compatibility and mutual respect.

Would you like help in phrasing it based on his background or personality?

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1520 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 23, 2022

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 I came across while casually going through the news feed on my phone. I am 43 years old married for 20+ years and have an adult kid and a teenager (both boys). My problem is that me and my husband have been arguing tooooo much nowadays on his alcohol issue. Even though he is not a daily drinker or excessive one, per his doctor's advise he should not be drinking. He tends to make promises which he never keeps regarding the same issue. Ours was an arranged marriage and we had our 1st kid on our 1st anniversary and 2nd kids 4 years later.Now even the elder son has started to question his dad about not keeping promises to which my husband says that as a son he doesn't need to tell him how a father has to live and what he has to do. Now my kids have lost trust on their father and I have lost trust on him long back. I have come to a point where I am in the relationship only for the kids as I am unemployed and cannot take care of the kids only own with financial support from him. I have confronted him multiple times to stop drinking or seek medical help if need to stop, but he is adamant that he will not stop. I am now worried if the father son's relationship will get into a turmoil cos I don't want my boys to grow up with out a father. I am at a crossroad as to how to continue with life from here on. It would be helpful and kind of you if u can suggest me something to help convince my husband to abandon alcohol and save the family's peace and happiness.
Ans:

Dear L, I can only imagine what this must be for you. But don’t lose heart. Is there any reason that pushed him to taking to drinking?

Alcohol can make a person who he/she isn’t. What is said and what is to be done, can be forgotten with consistent drinking and the effects it has on the body and mind.

If he is drinking despite doctor’s warnings and it has begun to erode your relationships, either ask an elderly family member to talk to him (preferably a male member) or please seek professional help.

Whatever it is, at home, none of the members must taunt him or nag him or repeatedly talk about his mistakes or his lack of commitment.

This will only push him further away and back into his easy stress buster which is alcohol. Be patient and loving and keep your mind focused on his healing and coming back into the family as a changed person.

Wishing you the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1520 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

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Hi my son 36 year old having some bed habits like drinking , smoking ,having relationship with other females, have habits of argument with everyone , unable compromise with different circumstances and try to prove himself right all the times. Due to these habits he unable to do job , he already left 2-3 jobs in past . he got married in 2018 with same age of working female. Both were separately in other city from day of marriage. Due to his habits they took divorce in 2024. Even after that he did not changed , continue with his bed habits. Being parent when we tried to make him understand but nothing change in his habits. Now he is job less last 2 months , sitting ideal at home hole day , evening go out and come back home very late , some time early morning. As parents we are very upset and scare , don't know what to do and how to handle this situation.
Ans: Dear Rajbir,
Your son has forgotten that he is a grown-up and has challenges accepting responsibilities for himself.
So, to remind him that he is a grown-up, kindly set up an appointment with a professional who can not just identify the root cause of the issue and guide him to a place of confidence so that he can act his age.
The thing that you can do immediately which may work is to ask someone else in the family who is similar in age to your son to have a chat with him and find out what is going on...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |1030 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

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Hello sir, I am 33years old and like to have a stable life with a good retirement corpus along with children education. I have 2 sons both are of 1 and 3years old respectively and my wife is a housewife. I am having FD of 16L, 10L in gold, bought a flat paying housing loan EMI of 25K, having term insurance for 1cr and health insurance for 4L. I am making investments in mutual funds SIP of 30k since last 1 year. Hdfc dividend yeild fund 1000 Icici bluechip fund 8000 Quant small cap fund 1000 Canara robecco small cap fund 1000 Uti nifty index fund 5000 Icici balanced advantage fund 5000 Jm flexicap fund 2000 Quant elss fund 5000 Parag pareekh flexicap fund 2000 Lumsum Investments Sbi healthcare fund 20K Quant infrastruture fund 10k Sbi magnum gilt fund 20k Plz advice....am i really doing good with these investments or shall i replan my investments....
Ans: Hello;

Having 12 funds(9 sip+3 lumpsum) in portfolio is not required.

You need to just 4 funds for your sip of 30 K(divided equally):
1. Flexicap fund
2. Large and midcap fund
3. Balanced advantage fund
4. Multi asset allocation fund

You may consider exiting the sectoral, thematic and debt fund owned by you and redeploy it in your regular funds.

This ensures equity(large cap oriented)is predominant asset class in your portfolio but it also has exposure to debt and gold for balance and risk mitigation.

Also keep a target to step up sip amount every year by 7-10% atleast.

This will go towards higher education provision for your kids. (~1.85 Cr in 15 years considering 7% annual top-up and 10% modest returns)

For your retirement planning you may consider NPS and start with a decent amount(~30 K pm) as regular investment since time is on your side(27 years to hit 60 age).[3.45 Cr in 27 years without any step up consideration. 8% returns assumed].

Consider buying home loan insurance and super top-up health cover.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

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