Hello mam...I am married for 4 years now... recently I got to know about my wife's past relationship with one of her colleagues..she is still working in the same office with him..she was also sexually very active with him....I was a virgin at the time of our marriage and she was not...I was ok with that..but she was having sex with her boyfriend even few days before our marriage..that is making me little uncomfortable..how to cope mam

Ans:

Dear Bleeding Heart,

I think you need to come to terms with your wife’s past.

The situation speaks for itself, doesn’t it? She loved someone else but was pressured into an arranged match with you. And then proceeded to enjoy as much time with the man she loved before she gave herself away to someone else, who was practically a stranger then.

It’s very understandable.

I get that you’re feeling a little duped, given that she was still with the other man right up until the wedding, but get over it.

She’s been with you for 10 years since then, is the mother of your children and obviously loves you now; you have a happy marriage.

You’re behaving like she cheated on you, when in fact she revealed the truth to you herself. So leave the past where it belongs and look forward to the future.

The only problem here is your bruised male ego.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What seems to bother you more?
The fact that she is not a virgin or the fact that she hid it from you.
Why I ask this question is because it will help you evaluate your feelings stemming from which of the two it is...
I do understand that you feel cheated and there is significant amount of trust lost...
Also, I gather from you that you have strong feelings about chastity, purity etc and this is fair in your world as it is part of your core beliefs.
Now let's see things for what they are...she possibly didn't tell you because she knew that you might reject the proposal OR that she wanted to start afresh and many more OR she was forced into this marriage...But the fact that it has begun to eat at your peace of mind suggests that you must speak with her about it. Tell her exactly how you have felt being lied to.
Ask her if she still is interested in being in the marriage and ask yourself the same question. If there is any scope of reconciliation and putting this scene behind you, then it maybe worthwhile to rebuild the marriage from scratch. But if your belief comes in the way and you are unable to make peace with the fact that she hid this fact, everyday will be torturous.
Whatever the decision, I suggest talking it through together without blame games as this will only lead to anger and more conflict rather than leading to a decision point.

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

While I understand that it is not a comfortable topic or even a pleasant feeling to know about your partner's romantic history, sexual or otherwise, the important thing to keep in mind is it was in the past. Is she still in touch, mind you I do not mean friendly or professionally, I mean romantically in touch with her colleague or ex? If the answer is no, you have nothing to worry about it. You being a virgin was your choice, and her being intimate with her ex-partners was hers. Neither is wrong if it did not involve cheating or hurting anyone and if it was all consensual. Please do not dwell on the past. You should be happy your wife chose you and you chose her and focus on building a better future together.

Best Wishes.

Ans: It's understandable that your wife's revelation is bothering you, even though the relationship ended before you got married. The key here is that she trusted you enough to share this with you, which shows her commitment to being honest and open in your marriage.

It's important to remember that everyone has a past, and what matters most is the relationship you both have now. Focus on the trust and bond you share today. If you find that these feelings continue to bother you, it might help to have a calm, honest conversation with her about how you're feeling. Express your emotions without blaming or judging, and work together to reassure each other.

If these feelings persist and affect your relationship, seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could be beneficial. They can help you navigate these emotions and strengthen your bond.