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Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 25, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more

Question by Bleeding on Jan 25, 2022Hindi

Hi,
Please hide my name.
It’s been close to 10 years of our marriage. We are as such happily married but have our share of fights and arguments.
It was an arranged marriage though we did have a courtship (physically roaming around) of about 10-15 days two months before the wedding.
I have been made aware of a past relationship of my wife. I am okay with that. It went on to the physical levels and I do not as such have an issue.
But now I was made aware -- in general talks -- that the relationship lasted till the last day before the marriage and it was involved to the extent of sharing hotel rooms, going together to different cities -- all these just 10-15 days before the marriage.
I do have chats of that time and I when I showed that to her, including SMSes. She is saying it just happened and she has no explanation.
I do not intend to break my marriage as we have lovely kids to raise, but I am not able to digest these incidents.
The thing that really hurts me is that she is not regretting this and always saying that its part of her good memories of life. I just can't digest this.
I think I need some help to come to peace with this situation as this is spoiling the atmosphere at home.
Regards,
A bleeding heart.

Ans:

Dear Bleeding Heart,

I think you need to come to terms with your wife’s past.

The situation speaks for itself, doesn’t it? She loved someone else but was pressured into an arranged match with you. And then proceeded to enjoy as much time with the man she loved before she gave herself away to someone else, who was practically a stranger then.

It’s very understandable.

I get that you’re feeling a little duped, given that she was still with the other man right up until the wedding, but get over it.

She’s been with you for 10 years since then, is the mother of your children and obviously loves you now; you have a happy marriage.

You’re behaving like she cheated on you, when in fact she revealed the truth to you herself. So leave the past where it belongs and look forward to the future.

The only problem here is your bruised male ego.

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Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2022Hindi

Dear Love Guru, My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations. I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months. After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it. However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter. Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour. She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour. Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier. I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped. I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives. I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations. Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required. We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days. These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship. My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family. I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life. She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely. I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me. I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible. However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative. How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier? I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter? Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

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