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I'm a 45-year-old divorced man interested in a 29-year-old colleague. How can I pursue a healthy relationship without marriage?

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |439 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
girish Question by girish on Sep 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello, I m 45 years old (Man) divorce and a collegue of mine who is 29 year old (Female) we get along nicely but since last few day i thing she is interested in me and now even i have develop feeling for her but i want to be in healthy relationship her but dont wannt to get married due my failed and bad experiece of my previous marriage. Pls suggest what should i do and dont want to loose her. Pls reply at the earliest

Ans: Dear Girish,
First of all, don't assume that she has feelings for you. Please confirm and then think of pursuing a relationship. Let's say she shares your feelings, it is important to let her know that you do not intend to get married; she might have other plans and it would be unfair for you to take them away from her. If both of your plans align, then very well. If not, I would suggest you find someone who is on the same page as you.
Please speak to her first.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1330 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Relationship
Hi Anu,Myself Praveen. I appreciate your writings on Rediff. First of all thanks for that.I would like to ask guidance or your thoughts on establishing a relationship with my lady friend. I met her 4 years back in my old office and we got in company soon and started talking and somewhat share most of the personal s***s too. I started having feelings for her. I mean I wish to have a marital relationship with her because I am very comfortable with her. But I was unable to make any move or feared of losing her company if I tell her my love.That time I never knew her age. Later I moved from that job to pursue some personal goals so I moved to some other place without the knowledge of my own family. The only person who knew about it was her. She stood with me and emotionally supported me and was knowing that it was my strong wish of having that dream/goal. We were in touch as nice friends. Her phone calls were happy moments for me because I was alone at my new place where I'd gone to pursue my dream. Someday she called me and during call she was upset. That day she shared some of her personal things and during the conversation I realised that she is 8 years older than me and she is at her mid 30s. Firstly, it was like a shock for me. I wondered why a beautiful girl like she not got into a marriage or any other serious relationship still that age. Okay, that doesn't matter me. However, knowing about most of the complexity in this partnership including support from both family or cliche society thoughts; I decided to have her as my life partner. But still I am not able to make a move like that. Somehow, I had to come back to my homeplace and sorry to say that I failed to pursue my goal which was bit depressing. Still I couldn't make a move to talk her about this. I am getting an odd feeling that she treats me as a brother or a nice friend only. I am confused when she calls me bro. Some days ago she told me that I am her good brother. Frankly I don't like her calling me bro. I still love her and I always see her as my life partner.The thing is I fear that I may lose her company if I express my love for her. Also I fear that she may emotionally get low if she really considering me as her brother. I don't want to give her any pain, but meanwhile I couldn't miss her in my life. Nowadays, we rarely talk on phone or meet because some of her professional engagements. That is not a problem for me. I respect her as well as her personal space. Only thing I want is to communicate her about my mind and having a relationship with her. I know she might also be concerned about our age gap as well as what society may say, but I don't care such rubbish. I strongly believe that I can be a great partner. Share your thoughts on making an approach without giving her any emotional pain or trauma.
Ans:

Dear PB,

Thank you for your kind words on my writings and columns. Highly appreciate it.

I cannot assure you of the fact of her not having any emotional reactions. Her reactions are not something that you can control.

The easiest way to resolve this confusion that you are going through is to simply express it. It’s similar to how children are.

Have you seen them say things without a filter and unfazed by how the other person will react?

Then along came the adults and asked them to keep quiet and then the child in us grew up to become a recluse and ignore our own feelings.

I agree there is an etiquette and social norms to be followed as adults but to not be able to express our feelings is nothing but conditioning from our childhood.

And what did it teach us? It taught us to avoid the rejection and ensuing disappointment.

That’s exactly what you are running away from; all the rejection that may happen and the disappointment from that.

But what use is that love if you can’t express it for fear of rejection. If you feel so strongly about it, approach it boldly and very gently.

Yes, it may shock her and it’s possible she has no feelings or sees you as a brother, but at least you know where the connection stands.

Now whether she is going to be hurt or not is a question of how emotionally mature she is.

So, before you start the conversation, do request her to hear you fully and not judge you for your honesty. This may ease her shock and help her respond rather than react to you.

On your part, keep your expectations to a low and smile through the situation. It helps lighten the load that you might be carrying.

All the best!

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |407 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 23, 2024

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Relationship
Hello Madam, I am 45 year old (Divorce Guy) i have a collegue who is 29 year old (Female ) i guess she is interested in me and i m avoiding bcz of my fail marriage and do want to be a committed relationship but now i m also developed feeling for her and i also told her about my broken marriage because i did not wanted to lie her, since than she is avoiding me and not answering my call this is is hurting me badly and i do want to spoil our relationship ,pls suggest what should i do Pls revert back bcs this is my 2 reminder to you pls do the needful at the earliest
Ans: Right now, it seems like her pulling away might be a response to the complexity of your situation, not necessarily a rejection of you as a person. It's possible that she needs time to process what you've shared about your broken marriage, especially since it likely adds layers to her own thoughts and feelings about the potential of being with you. This isn’t about your worth or your desirability but about her understanding of what a relationship with you would entail.

The best course of action right now is to respect her space and her need for distance. Chasing after her or continuing to reach out while she’s avoiding you might push her further away. Instead, give her time to come to terms with her feelings. If she’s truly interested, she may need this time to reflect on how she feels about your situation and how she can fit into your life.

Meanwhile, focus on yourself—on processing your own emotions about your past and your feelings toward her. You’ve been through difficult relationships, and it’s essential to make sure you’re entering a new connection from a place of emotional clarity rather than from a place of hurt or fear.

If you feel the need for closure or clarity, you can send her a respectful, thoughtful message that expresses how you feel without pressuring her for a response. Something along the lines of acknowledging her silence, letting her know you understand she may need time, and expressing that you’re open to talking whenever she feels ready could be helpful.

The key here is patience—both with her and with yourself. If she decides she isn’t ready or isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t define your ability to find happiness or love again. Take it as an opportunity to grow emotionally and gain further clarity on what you want from a future relationship.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |439 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 03, 2024
Relationship
I recently joined a new organisation and had developed a friendship with a new woman colleague who has joined new.Offlate I see her where she has huge crush on me.Iam married with 2 kids and she has got late marriage with 1 kid.I pick her and drop her often.I could sense she is mad and possessive on me and offlate I also intend in having crush on her and I couldn't live without seeing or speaking with her.We never opened out but I could sense from both of us feelings.We both have not opened up but not told in open but she always says you r so handsome etc.But tell me how to deal with this.I feel couldn't live without her.. Please suggest
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There are two issues I would like to address- first, you both are married. Second, you are assuming she has a crush on you. I do not know how you want to approach this 'crush' when you are in a legally committed relationship. In normal circumstances, I would've suggested getting verbal confirmation of your coworker's feelings first and then pursuing her, but in your case, how she feels does not even matter because you are not single; neither is she. The right course of action would be to reflect on your feelings and get to the root of them- why are you seeking these feelings outside of your marriage and what is lacking in it? Then have an open discussion with your wife and take it from there- you will have two options: work on your marriage, or opt for separation and then pursue any crush you want to. But before that, I cannot offer you any other advice.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7163 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 27, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi, sir I am a an 30 year old (single) engineer working with a MNC in Chennai, unfortunately till this day i haven't had any savings at all for my future (retirement, other short term or long term goals). Currently my take home salary after EPF and parental insurance is 53k ( EPF is about 4900/month - employee+employer) i haven't opted for Corporate NPS but is provided by the company without any additional contribution from company. I have company health insurance policy and have planned to take my own health insurance and term insurance plan. Adding to above I have zero emergency fund with me. How should I proceed with my investments?
Ans: You have taken the first step by recognising the need to plan. It’s essential to appreciate your intention to secure your financial future. Let’s look at how you can proceed to achieve your short-term and long-term goals.

Your current take-home salary is Rs 53,000, and your EPF contribution is Rs 4,900. However, you lack savings, investments, and an emergency fund. Here's a step-by-step strategy:

Build an Emergency Fund
Set aside funds to cover at least six months' expenses.

Start by saving 10-15% of your salary monthly into a high-interest savings account.

Use Recurring Deposits or Liquid Mutual Funds to maintain this fund for emergencies.

Secure Yourself with Insurance
Health insurance: Maintain your company health policy but add a personal health policy. Choose a policy offering a sum insured of Rs 10-15 lakh.

Term insurance: Buy a term plan covering 10-15 times your annual income. Keep the policy simple and avoid investment-linked insurance.

Budget Your Income
Allocate your income carefully for expenses, savings, and investments.

Use the 50-30-20 rule: 50% for needs, 30% for wants, and 20% for savings and investments.

Avoid unnecessary expenses to increase your saving capacity.

Start Investing Gradually
Short-term goals (1-5 years): Invest in debt funds or recurring deposits. Debt mutual funds are good for stable returns.

Long-term goals (5+ years): Invest in equity mutual funds for higher returns. Choose actively managed funds with consistent performance.

Avoid index funds. Actively managed funds have a better potential for higher returns through professional fund management.

Retirement Planning
Utilise the EPF for retirement. Your current contribution will grow over time with compounding.

Consider investing in diversified equity mutual funds for additional retirement savings.

Corporate NPS: You can explore NPS for its tax-saving benefits. However, don’t rely solely on it for retirement.

Tax-Saving Investments
Use Section 80C to save taxes up to Rs 1.5 lakh.

EPF, PPF, ELSS mutual funds, and life insurance premiums can qualify under this section.

Opt for ELSS funds for tax saving and wealth creation.

Review Existing Expenses
Evaluate and minimise unnecessary expenditures.

Avoid loans for discretionary spending like vacations or gadgets.

Advantages of Using a Certified Financial Planner
A CFP can help you plan holistically and ensure you stick to your goals.

They provide tailored strategies, ensuring proper fund allocation and monitoring.

Invest through a Mutual Fund Distributor with CFP credentials to access professional advice.

Key Steps for Discipline
Automate investments through SIPs in mutual funds.

Track your monthly budget and investment progress regularly.

Avoid direct funds. Regular funds offer professional guidance and fund distributor support.

Tax Implications
For equity mutual funds, LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh attracts 12.5% tax.

STCG on equity funds is taxed at 20%.

Debt fund gains are taxed as per your income slab. Consider these while investing.

Final Insights
You are in the right direction by seeking advice now. Build a solid foundation with savings, insurance, and investments. Take small steps toward financial independence.

Remain consistent with your investments, and review your financial plan annually.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Mayank

Mayank Chandel  |1940 Answers  |Ask -

IIT-JEE, NEET-UG, SAT, CLAT, CA, CS Exam Expert - Answered on Nov 27, 2024

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Career
Hello, i really have a serious issue regarding my studies as i am 24 yrs now and gave NEET 4times and i am still preparing for nxt year 2025 but at the back of my mind i am really tensed what if the same thing repeats in the neet 2025 also like paper leak and all, So now i am confused that should i take a full drop or partial drop. The mental pressure is really hitting hard and also its almost been 4years that i am still 12th pass only and my classmates have already completed their college and some are flight attendant and earning well, So this all things just hits so hard and also the hope in parents eyes as my father is already proud that i studied science so i would definitely become doctor. I wasted a lot of money in pg and coaching (fastrack) and this all things are hitting so hard that i really feel sad and have no ways to go.
Ans: Hi Bhima
I must say you have got perseverance & I appreciate your parent's trust in you. You have already appeared multiple times and you are going to appear again in 2025. By the time you will be 25 years old. They say there is no age to learn. But after getting admission you need another 10 years to practice as a qualified specialist. Make sure you take admission in the next session.

If higher cutoff & high fees of private colleges are an issue for you, then try exploring the MBBS abroad option, I can help with that too. Since NEXT is compulsory for Indian & Foreign graduates too it won't make a difference if you study in India or Abroad.

For time forget all the societal pressure and give your 100% and make your parents proud.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |439 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Ravi sir, I am 24 yrs old girl, currently pursuing MBA from a middle class family. I have a 5 yr relationship with my boyfriend. I love him very much. Don't want to loose him. Maybe he also love me. But the problem start few days ago when he suddenly confessed me that he visit red light area thrice at the first year of our relationship. From those initial days we are in a serious relationship and family involved in this. But we don't intimate but virtual intimacy was there. But this year in january we for first time got intimate and after 4 time of intimacy he confess me this that he physical one time and two time just visit their to see naked dance but failed due to some reason. Now He told me that he felt it will be cheating if he not told me this now. One side I am depressed and fear to loose him. He repetitively beg pardon from me and told that this was his peer pressure and now he mature enough to say no this.. Now he can't imagine his life without me. I don't want to loose him but can't forgive or forgot this. Now he repeatedly told me to marry him and proposed me romantically. He repeatedly want pardon from me . I love him very much that I want to forget all things and start from first again. But will it be right, if I easily forgive him than is he got much confidence to do this again?? I am depressed and confused. Pls help me . What will be right decision in this situation? Forgive him or not?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand how conflicted you must be feeling right now, and I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish I could tell you what would be the right thing to do, but it has to be your decision and yours alone. All I can suggest is to take a beat and not rush into deciding anything.

Take everything into consideration-
On the one hand, infidelity is indeed unacceptable in a relationship. But on the other, it was in the initial stage. He might not have been as serious about the relationship as you during those days. Nevertheless, the timing does not make his action justifiable. I suggest you have an open conversation and ask him why he felt the need to do this. Ask him if he did not consider your feelings. What's concerning is that he did not stop after the first time; he went back twice more. I am not judging his choice of location but the fact that he was in a committed relationship puts him in the wrong. Also, blaming it on peer pressure is inexcusable; this isn't something funny or trivial he did because his friends dared him to. Ask him to take accountability and understand that actions have consequences.

Take it one day at a time. Whatever you decide is okay. And if at any point you want to pick yourself over the relationship, I want you to understand that it is completely alright. You will feel like it's a selfish decision, but it isn't. Remember that. Please do what you need to help you heal from this.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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