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I'm a 45-year-old divorced man interested in a 29-year-old colleague. How can I pursue a healthy relationship without marriage?

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |362 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
girish Question by girish on Sep 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello, I m 45 years old (Man) divorce and a collegue of mine who is 29 year old (Female) we get along nicely but since last few day i thing she is interested in me and now even i have develop feeling for her but i want to be in healthy relationship her but dont wannt to get married due my failed and bad experiece of my previous marriage. Pls suggest what should i do and dont want to loose her. Pls reply at the earliest

Ans: Dear Girish,
First of all, don't assume that she has feelings for you. Please confirm and then think of pursuing a relationship. Let's say she shares your feelings, it is important to let her know that you do not intend to get married; she might have other plans and it would be unfair for you to take them away from her. If both of your plans align, then very well. If not, I would suggest you find someone who is on the same page as you.
Please speak to her first.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

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Hi Anu,Myself Praveen. I appreciate your writings on Rediff. First of all thanks for that.I would like to ask guidance or your thoughts on establishing a relationship with my lady friend. I met her 4 years back in my old office and we got in company soon and started talking and somewhat share most of the personal s***s too. I started having feelings for her. I mean I wish to have a marital relationship with her because I am very comfortable with her. But I was unable to make any move or feared of losing her company if I tell her my love.That time I never knew her age. Later I moved from that job to pursue some personal goals so I moved to some other place without the knowledge of my own family. The only person who knew about it was her. She stood with me and emotionally supported me and was knowing that it was my strong wish of having that dream/goal. We were in touch as nice friends. Her phone calls were happy moments for me because I was alone at my new place where I'd gone to pursue my dream. Someday she called me and during call she was upset. That day she shared some of her personal things and during the conversation I realised that she is 8 years older than me and she is at her mid 30s. Firstly, it was like a shock for me. I wondered why a beautiful girl like she not got into a marriage or any other serious relationship still that age. Okay, that doesn't matter me. However, knowing about most of the complexity in this partnership including support from both family or cliche society thoughts; I decided to have her as my life partner. But still I am not able to make a move like that. Somehow, I had to come back to my homeplace and sorry to say that I failed to pursue my goal which was bit depressing. Still I couldn't make a move to talk her about this. I am getting an odd feeling that she treats me as a brother or a nice friend only. I am confused when she calls me bro. Some days ago she told me that I am her good brother. Frankly I don't like her calling me bro. I still love her and I always see her as my life partner.The thing is I fear that I may lose her company if I express my love for her. Also I fear that she may emotionally get low if she really considering me as her brother. I don't want to give her any pain, but meanwhile I couldn't miss her in my life. Nowadays, we rarely talk on phone or meet because some of her professional engagements. That is not a problem for me. I respect her as well as her personal space. Only thing I want is to communicate her about my mind and having a relationship with her. I know she might also be concerned about our age gap as well as what society may say, but I don't care such rubbish. I strongly believe that I can be a great partner. Share your thoughts on making an approach without giving her any emotional pain or trauma.
Ans:

Dear PB,

Thank you for your kind words on my writings and columns. Highly appreciate it.

I cannot assure you of the fact of her not having any emotional reactions. Her reactions are not something that you can control.

The easiest way to resolve this confusion that you are going through is to simply express it. It’s similar to how children are.

Have you seen them say things without a filter and unfazed by how the other person will react?

Then along came the adults and asked them to keep quiet and then the child in us grew up to become a recluse and ignore our own feelings.

I agree there is an etiquette and social norms to be followed as adults but to not be able to express our feelings is nothing but conditioning from our childhood.

And what did it teach us? It taught us to avoid the rejection and ensuing disappointment.

That’s exactly what you are running away from; all the rejection that may happen and the disappointment from that.

But what use is that love if you can’t express it for fear of rejection. If you feel so strongly about it, approach it boldly and very gently.

Yes, it may shock her and it’s possible she has no feelings or sees you as a brother, but at least you know where the connection stands.

Now whether she is going to be hurt or not is a question of how emotionally mature she is.

So, before you start the conversation, do request her to hear you fully and not judge you for your honesty. This may ease her shock and help her respond rather than react to you.

On your part, keep your expectations to a low and smile through the situation. It helps lighten the load that you might be carrying.

All the best!

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Love Guru

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Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |368 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 23, 2024

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Hello Madam, I am 45 year old (Divorce Guy) i have a collegue who is 29 year old (Female ) i guess she is interested in me and i m avoiding bcz of my fail marriage and do want to be a committed relationship but now i m also developed feeling for her and i also told her about my broken marriage because i did not wanted to lie her, since than she is avoiding me and not answering my call this is is hurting me badly and i do want to spoil our relationship ,pls suggest what should i do Pls revert back bcs this is my 2 reminder to you pls do the needful at the earliest
Ans: Right now, it seems like her pulling away might be a response to the complexity of your situation, not necessarily a rejection of you as a person. It's possible that she needs time to process what you've shared about your broken marriage, especially since it likely adds layers to her own thoughts and feelings about the potential of being with you. This isn’t about your worth or your desirability but about her understanding of what a relationship with you would entail.

The best course of action right now is to respect her space and her need for distance. Chasing after her or continuing to reach out while she’s avoiding you might push her further away. Instead, give her time to come to terms with her feelings. If she’s truly interested, she may need this time to reflect on how she feels about your situation and how she can fit into your life.

Meanwhile, focus on yourself—on processing your own emotions about your past and your feelings toward her. You’ve been through difficult relationships, and it’s essential to make sure you’re entering a new connection from a place of emotional clarity rather than from a place of hurt or fear.

If you feel the need for closure or clarity, you can send her a respectful, thoughtful message that expresses how you feel without pressuring her for a response. Something along the lines of acknowledging her silence, letting her know you understand she may need time, and expressing that you’re open to talking whenever she feels ready could be helpful.

The key here is patience—both with her and with yourself. If she decides she isn’t ready or isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t define your ability to find happiness or love again. Take it as an opportunity to grow emotionally and gain further clarity on what you want from a future relationship.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |362 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 03, 2024
Relationship
I recently joined a new organisation and had developed a friendship with a new woman colleague who has joined new.Offlate I see her where she has huge crush on me.Iam married with 2 kids and she has got late marriage with 1 kid.I pick her and drop her often.I could sense she is mad and possessive on me and offlate I also intend in having crush on her and I couldn't live without seeing or speaking with her.We never opened out but I could sense from both of us feelings.We both have not opened up but not told in open but she always says you r so handsome etc.But tell me how to deal with this.I feel couldn't live without her.. Please suggest
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There are two issues I would like to address- first, you both are married. Second, you are assuming she has a crush on you. I do not know how you want to approach this 'crush' when you are in a legally committed relationship. In normal circumstances, I would've suggested getting verbal confirmation of your coworker's feelings first and then pursuing her, but in your case, how she feels does not even matter because you are not single; neither is she. The right course of action would be to reflect on your feelings and get to the root of them- why are you seeking these feelings outside of your marriage and what is lacking in it? Then have an open discussion with your wife and take it from there- you will have two options: work on your marriage, or opt for separation and then pursue any crush you want to. But before that, I cannot offer you any other advice.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

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Sushil

Sushil Sukhwani  |553 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Oct 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 18, 2024Hindi
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My daughter wants to do her media communication for her PG course. She is particular about UK. Can you suggest any good college/University? Presently she is in St.Josephs college of commerce, Bangalore. Doing her final year UG. Please advise
Ans: Hello,

To begin with, thank you for contacting us. I am happy to hear that your daughter is presently studying in the final year of her undergraduate degree at St. Josephs College of Commerce after which she intends pursuing a postgraduate course in Media Communication particularly in the UK. You would be glad to know that there are several prominent universities in the UK that offer postgraduate courses in Media Communication. Your daughter can consider applying to University of Leeds, which provides a vast array of media-related courses, and London School of Economics and Political Science (LSE) which is renowned for the Media and Communications program it offers. She can also think about applying to Goldsmiths, University of London, which is well-known for creative and cultural studies. Besides the ones mentioned above, your daughter can also consider applying to Cardiff University which is renowned for journalism and media studies, and University of Westminster which offers robust media programs. Bear in mind that each of these universities are internationally acclaimed, have outstanding linkages with industry, and offer a dynamic global student body.

For more information, you can visit our website: www.edwiseinternational.com

You can also follow us on our Instagram page: edwiseint

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T S Khurana   |150 Answers  |Ask -

Tax Expert - Answered on Oct 18, 2024

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After a period of hospitalization, a Pensioner with taxable salary expired before filing the ITR. As per a regd Will, the heir took initiatives and as a preliminary act, the death certificate was submitted in the bank and the pension was stopped. Now to clear the formalities, the bank is asking for legal heir certificate(LHC) from the revenue dept. The revenue department is asking for the original registered Will in order to issue the LHC. The Will is in the above bank locker and the Bank will not allow to open and take out the original Will unless the LHC is produced. The Bank has also declined to provide the Form16 and Form 16A which would have helped in filing the already belated ITR for FY23-24. In short, the apparent heir is trapped in a "Chakravyuh". Is there any way out? Please advise.
Ans: 01. Please find your father's tax details from Income Tax site (AIS, TIS & Form 26AS). Add the details which you have from his bank accounts & other relevent documents available with the family.
Compute his Income Tax liability & pay tax on his behalf.
This will clear your tax liability.
You also need to file his ITR, as a representative assessee. However, this may require certain formalities, if you can complete. Otherwise, wait for the registered will & then proceed.
02. You can get a copy of Registered WILL of your father, from the Registrar's Office, where it was Registered. You can then proceed further to process/settle your other issues.
Most welcome for any further clarifications. Thanks.

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Janak

Janak Patel  |7 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 18, 2024

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Please advice on my portfolio. I'm 50 years old married freelancer with no children so end up doing investments through STP's. Right now I have 1 crore in ICICI Agressive Hybrid, 1 crore in HDFC Balanced Advantage, 50 lakh PMS with ICICI Contra, 50 Lakh PMS with Abbakus. 30 Lakhs HDFC Mid Cap. 30 Lakhs Oswal Business Cycle. Apart from that I have 20 lakhs in PPF. Please advice
Ans: Hi Saket,

Your portfolio is a mix of investments across MFs, PMS and PPF.
Assuming PMS is all equity, the asset allocation reflects approximately an 80:20 ratio in Equity:Debt respectively, which seems fine.
As your objectives or goals are not available, it would be difficult to indicate if they suit your profile.

Most of the MF schemes mentioned are fine with a good track record. The exception is the Business Cycle scheme - this is a new scheme and being sectoral it will attract very high risk, its approximately 10% of your portfolio value so continue if you understand the risk.
Alternately you can consider a Flexi-cap or Multi-cap MF scheme that are well diversified and for a 7+ years of time horizon.

PMS services - if your experience with the PMS services are good and they meet your expectations for returns, then do continue.

PPF - plan to utilize it as a tax efficient instrument to withdraw funds at the time of retirement. Continue to contribute max possible and complete lock-in period of 15 years and keep extending the account with contributions. Over the next 10-15 years you can accumulate a good corpus which will be completely tax free for withdrawal.

An observation/suggestion as its not indicated - As you are freelancer, suggest emergency funds - please plan to have at least 6-9 months expenses in an investment which has high liquidity and safety e.g. FDs. In extreme eventualities like the pandemic or a personal crisis, this fund can support the immediate needs.

As you are going to be moving towards your retirement in a decade or so, I recommend you contact a Certified Financial Planner who can add value to your portfolio and provide a personalized evaluation and guidance taking into consideration your family profile, goals and requirement of the future while assessing risk and tax efficiency.

Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

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Janak

Janak Patel  |7 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 18, 2024

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I bought an apartment in Delhi in the year 2002 for 5 lacs (own funds) Plus 15 lacs bank loan for 15 years at interest rate of 10%. Now want to sell it for199 lacs. Please advise on following 1. How to work out cost of acquisition considering interest paid on bank loan and expenses incurred from time to time to upkeep the flat around 5 lacs. I don't have bank interest certificate. 2. What will be capital gains tax calculation if I sell it now with both options old v/s new. Please advise. Raghav.
Ans: Hi Neeta / Raghav,

At the high level the below should help you.

1. Cost of acquisition can include the purchase price and the cost of improvement, so the upkeep expenses to maintain the property cannot be consider, but if you made any form of addition/alterations to the property then you can include it.
The interest paid on loan is eligible for tax benefits, it cannot be included in the cost of acquisition.

2. Old Rule - using the CII for calculations indicate Capital gains of Rs130 lacs, the capital gains tax (20% on difference after indexation) works out to be approximately Rs26 lacs. Note exact dates of purchase/sale will determine the CII values to be used, assumed FY2002-3 and FY2024-25 for now.
New Rule (2024 budget) - Capital gains = difference of sale and cost price i.e. Rs179 lacs, tax of 12.5% on it is approximately Rs22 lacs.

Note - you can add/reduce the cost/sale price with expense incurred in transacting the property e.g. brokerage.

Options to save tax on the Capital gains amount
1. Reinvest in another residential property within 1 year prior and 2 years after sale date or construct within 3 years after sale date.
2. Invest in NHAI bonds - has lock-in period and the interest earned is taxable.

Please contact a CFP or a Tax consultant for further guidance.

Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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