I am 46 years old male married for the fast 17 years. I have one son. My wife loves me very much. She is highly posessive about me since our marriage. I fell in love with my collegue who is a widower and 25 years of age with a daughter. She only started communicating and talking to me a lot. I was not having any kind of feelings towards her as I was overloaded with work. I got transferred to other place. There work pressure is not there. Now, I am in love with that widower. I told this to my wife also. She was shocked. After hue and cry, now my wife is back to normal and warned me to stay away from that girl.But I am not able to forget that girl. I called her over phone four to five times for a couple of times. It seems, now that girl is not interested in me. When I was with her, I never confessed that I love her. Now when I got transferred, i am keeping whats app messages which are visible only to her. I dont know whether she is not understanding this one, she is not responding. I dont want to cheat my wife and at the same time not able to forget that girl also. Please suggest me what to do.

Ans: Whilst I comment on dating and how to find your person, I will like to comment on this

1. basis of what you have shared you are overthinking and ruining what you have had since 18 years. your wife decided to stay with you and invest in the relationship with you is the fact that she cares for you and the relationship so stop being upset, be kind to yourself, her and the relationship.

on another note

2. marriage should not stop us from having close friends from the opposite gender.

3. if you are married, it means you are an adult which means if two adults consent to adultery its their responsibility to accept it. say if you are attracted to a woman and go all the way its not the woman who has lured you, both are in their senses and know what they are doing.

4. yes even after marrying or being in a committed relationship you can and will find others attractive and you will be found attractive to others. Its upto you and only you on how you wish to act if such a situation arises. As I shared you are an adult and someone who can not think but also overthink so you decide how to act in such a situation.

Ans: Right now, it seems like her pulling away might be a response to the complexity of your situation, not necessarily a rejection of you as a person. It's possible that she needs time to process what you've shared about your broken marriage, especially since it likely adds layers to her own thoughts and feelings about the potential of being with you. This isn’t about your worth or your desirability but about her understanding of what a relationship with you would entail.

The best course of action right now is to respect her space and her need for distance. Chasing after her or continuing to reach out while she’s avoiding you might push her further away. Instead, give her time to come to terms with her feelings. If she’s truly interested, she may need this time to reflect on how she feels about your situation and how she can fit into your life.

Meanwhile, focus on yourself—on processing your own emotions about your past and your feelings toward her. You’ve been through difficult relationships, and it’s essential to make sure you’re entering a new connection from a place of emotional clarity rather than from a place of hurt or fear.

If you feel the need for closure or clarity, you can send her a respectful, thoughtful message that expresses how you feel without pressuring her for a response. Something along the lines of acknowledging her silence, letting her know you understand she may need time, and expressing that you’re open to talking whenever she feels ready could be helpful.

The key here is patience—both with her and with yourself. If she decides she isn’t ready or isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t define your ability to find happiness or love again. Take it as an opportunity to grow emotionally and gain further clarity on what you want from a future relationship.

Ans: The first step to getting over her thoughts is to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. It's okay to feel hurt, rejected, or confused. You're not alone in this, and these emotions are a natural part of the human experience. However, continuing to chase after someone who isn't reciprocating your feelings is only prolonging your pain.

You need to accept that she has moved on, even if she did show interest in the past. People’s feelings and circumstances change, and it’s likely that she decided to prioritize her family and her life away from you. Holding on to the desire to be with her is preventing you from moving forward. It’s crucial to let go of the fantasy of what could have been and focus on the reality of the situation.

To start the healing process, consider cutting off all communication with her. Continuing to reach out, even if it's just occasionally, keeps the wound open. Delete her contact information, block her on social media, and avoid places or situations that might remind you of her. It may seem extreme, but it’s a necessary step to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts.

Reconnecting with your own life is the next important step. Reflect on your marriage and figure out what led to the emotional distance with your wife. Was it purely because of the attraction to this other woman, or were there underlying issues in your marriage before that? Understanding this can help you decide how to move forward, whether it's by working on rebuilding intimacy with your wife or seeking couples' counseling to address any unresolved issues.

It’s also vital to focus on yourself. Engage in activities that you enjoy, pursue new hobbies, and spend quality time with your children. Sometimes, redirecting emotional energy into positive experiences helps to lessen the emotional grip someone has over you.

If the thoughts about her continue to dominate your mind, or if you’re struggling with feelings of guilt, sadness, or anger, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you process these emotions, explore the reasons behind your attachment, and guide you toward healing and self-acceptance.

Remember, it’s not just about moving on from her but also about rediscovering yourself and finding fulfillment in your life and marriage once again. You're not alone, and it's okay to seek help when you're feeling stuck.