I have a friend who complains about her health constantly. She is in her late thirties and for the 7-8 years i have known her she has been complaining about her health all the time. She is a mother of two and even at this age she complains about her period problems like a teenager. I have seen her complaining that she cant move one moment earlier and the next moment dancing. Many times i wonder if the issue is not her health but she wants to escape from her household work. She takes advantage of her husband, relatives and friends by feigning sick and getting some work done by others. We live in a different country and in spite of earning well we cannot afford maids. Initially whenever she complains I would feel sorry for her and help or at-least talk to her comfortingly but now-a-days I just cant listen to her complain. Now her family and other friends have also started questioning her why she is sick all the time and now running out of excuses she has added depression to her list of sickness. She is in a better position financially and socially with good family support so i don't think any of that should worry her. She has some manageable problems like every other person but nothing big enough to feel depressed. She compares her life with others who do very well and says she is not able to have that peaceful life like them and lists her problem. She complains about her husband and even her kids. Many of her friends started moving away from her and I don't react to any of her whining I just talk to her sometimes but i feel whenever she talks she just talks about her so called problems. And now when she says depressed I want to believe that and be supportive but I just cannot understand how any normal person with everything good in her life be depressed. I feel that as an excuse to get sympathy or attention just like the physical illness excuses she has been giving. How should I handle her?

Dear Anu, I've been married to my wife for 10 years. In the last 2 years or so I find it difficult to understand her. Once every 2 or 3 months she goes into depression, and brings up old conversations between my mother and sister. It is not that they are perfect; however they have already moved on. She blames I didn't support, if the conversations happened in front of me then I can support but didn't happen. Also, my mother and sister they don't talk to me anything about those conversations. I love her and I have asked her to seek medical help but she doesn't want. I want to help and at the same time I need help.

Hello,Mam Good day to you I have recently gone through your answers to various queries of several people so thought to ask you something which is pinching my heart daily. I married to a girl in April 2019 as an arranged one.I work on board merchant ships & have to stay away from home for several months(6-7) months & also being Manglik as per my horoscope details hence was finding difficult to get someone agreed for the marriage.However at the age of 32 years,I got married in 2019 without considering & giving much thought as I was frustrated with talking to so many families & denied by most of them due to above stated reasons. After marriage,I found her not been capable to take the responsibilities at home and much interested towards house chores or helping my parents at home.Many things were concealed by their parents & were just being hided.She is not able to cook food for the family,not able to read,write Hindi, English properly.My parents gave her enough support & tried to teach her & learn but even after 4 years of marriage she is unable to take her responsibilities at home.She now also shows some unexpected behaviour like laughing unnecessarily & speaking to herself most of the times while working or sitting at any public place, shop etc which makes me very embarassing. After seeing all this,I took her to the Hospital (Medical College in Lucknow) for check up where the doctors told me that she has Scheophrenia ( mental depression) for which medication will continue for a long time which has a deep rooted shock to me. She stayed twice with her parents 6-7 months in a year when I was at work on board merchant ships. Now again she is staying with her parents as we are unsure if anything goes wrong with her then her family will blame us. I want to give her divorce but don't know how to go for it ? At this age of 36 years will I get someone else or not is what coming in my mind ? Both of us are not talking neither our family members with each other. We don't have any child ,my father is handicapped senior citizen,mother also being old & makes difficult to manage at home. Can she ask for any alimony if I proceed for divorce now ? Please reply Thanks.

Hello, Kanchan. I earlier wrote to you earlier (link: surl.li/ncpnu) regarding my vulnerabilities - my being jobless since more than a year, financial hardships & toxic atmosphere at home, specifically my wife from being nagging to being nasty, never caring about what I go through at times. I do acknowledge and appreciate that she does most of the stuff- cooking, going to work & teaching our kid. But so do I- I play my part as much as I can while dealing with energy issues & depression- but that doesn't mean I don't do anything- I do all kinds of non-economic auxilliary work at homefront which does not go appreciated or acknowledged. I help her carry on with her job like dropping/picking her at work, and at home I do help her with chores, taking care of outdoor work, groceries, listening & empathising how her day at work went, etc. There are many balls we are juggling & I know for sure that we should not be handling one too many as we can't do justice to any of them or at worst we may miss the priorities! But we are helpless since there is no help at hand. I contemplated speaking to her but firstly, I never get enough time to discuss in the issues in pragmatic manner (she loses patience and cool very soon & not a very good critic of herself- something she accuses me of as well), and secondly even if time permits, never get a calm, relaxed atmosphere that would ensure non-judgemental attitude to tackle things head on. Such times it is difficult even to help her- I even mentioned this repeatedly to her that she's becoming like a cactus- that anyone even trying to help her is bound to get hurt & that's the reason people would rather prefer to keep a distance from her. I have been concerned about her BP rising due to her overwhelming insecurity, but all she says such times is the only solution would be when I find a good job, something which I have a very limited control over, given 1) my age factor which hampers learning; 2) gaps in my employable skills & 3) inability to deal with emotions while trying to deal with too many things at a time. I know that retorting back would not serve the purpose hence try to cool/balance things off & try to act calmly with her. If I mention inability due to my mental state, she just gets furious thinking that I am making excuses and doesn't empathise with me at all, even though she herself went through similar phases in recent months, but only difference is that she got an opportunity due to her goodwill easily while I continue to languish, engaged in self-defeating emotions and thoughts. As a result, my efforts are half-hearted, bearing no positive results and day by day, I lose motivation. Hesitate to seek any professional help due to some reasons: 1) it is costly & time consuming. 2) Me alone putting efforts in getting cured won't serve any purpose (it may relapse due to unsupportive environ at home) unless there's attitudinal shift with family members too. I don't know what to do, please help.

My wife is extremely sensitive to even smallest of criticism either received directly or indirectly. She gets panic attacks and suffers from the situation for about 10 days. She is unable to leave any of the not so good/bad memories and thus keeps thinking of them all over time. She feels and talks hopeless and useless during this period, which also includes getting separated and ending her life. We have 2 childs of 14 and 9 years. She does not talks to anyone when her mood is off. I have been keeping extreme patience during all the time and always tried to console her and explain her that we also have good memories to remember. But seems she doesn't understands these things. We also consulted one psychiatrist, who gave her Ketamine treatment. She was fine for sometime only but after some time she said that she will not go to any doctor now, and let the situation prevail as it is until she is living. I am totally shattered and perplexed on this situation and could not focus on my job and any other thing in life. What to do, pl advise. I am not able to see her in this situation which is not so bad according to most of the people, but she is filled with so much of hate and negativity that she is not able to understand the things and value them.