Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |366 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 13, 2023Hindi
Relationship

Hello, Kanchan. I earlier wrote to you earlier (link: surl.li/ncpnu) regarding my vulnerabilities - my being jobless since more than a year, financial hardships & toxic atmosphere at home, specifically my wife from being nagging to being nasty, never caring about what I go through at times. I do acknowledge and appreciate that she does most of the stuff- cooking, going to work & teaching our kid. But so do I- I play my part as much as I can while dealing with energy issues & depression- but that doesn't mean I don't do anything- I do all kinds of non-economic auxilliary work at homefront which does not go appreciated or acknowledged. I help her carry on with her job like dropping/picking her at work, and at home I do help her with chores, taking care of outdoor work, groceries, listening & empathising how her day at work went, etc. There are many balls we are juggling & I know for sure that we should not be handling one too many as we can't do justice to any of them or at worst we may miss the priorities! But we are helpless since there is no help at hand. I contemplated speaking to her but firstly, I never get enough time to discuss in the issues in pragmatic manner (she loses patience and cool very soon & not a very good critic of herself- something she accuses me of as well), and secondly even if time permits, never get a calm, relaxed atmosphere that would ensure non-judgemental attitude to tackle things head on. Such times it is difficult even to help her- I even mentioned this repeatedly to her that she's becoming like a cactus- that anyone even trying to help her is bound to get hurt & that's the reason people would rather prefer to keep a distance from her. I have been concerned about her BP rising due to her overwhelming insecurity, but all she says such times is the only solution would be when I find a good job, something which I have a very limited control over, given 1) my age factor which hampers learning; 2) gaps in my employable skills & 3) inability to deal with emotions while trying to deal with too many things at a time. I know that retorting back would not serve the purpose hence try to cool/balance things off & try to act calmly with her. If I mention inability due to my mental state, she just gets furious thinking that I am making excuses and doesn't empathise with me at all, even though she herself went through similar phases in recent months, but only difference is that she got an opportunity due to her goodwill easily while I continue to languish, engaged in self-defeating emotions and thoughts. As a result, my efforts are half-hearted, bearing no positive results and day by day, I lose motivation. Hesitate to seek any professional help due to some reasons: 1) it is costly & time consuming. 2) Me alone putting efforts in getting cured won't serve any purpose (it may relapse due to unsupportive environ at home) unless there's attitudinal shift with family members too. I don't know what to do, please help.

Ans: Hello..I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time. It sounds like you're dealing with a complex set of issues, including joblessness, financial hardships, a toxic home environment, and personal struggles with mental health. Coping with these difficulties can be overwhelming,Try to find a calm and appropriate time to have an open and honest conversation with your wife. Express your feelings, concerns, and frustrations, emphasizing that you both need to work together to find solutions. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Acknowledge the contributions your wife makes and express gratitude for the work she does. This might help create a more positive atmosphere for communication. While you've expressed hesitation about seeking professional help, therapy or counseling can be incredibly beneficial. Some therapists offer sliding scale fees or may provide services on a reduced cost basis. Discussing your concerns with a mental health professional can offer you tools to cope and may help facilitate better communication within your family. Continue working on your job search and consider acquiring new skills that might make you more employable. Online courses and workshops are available, and you can often find free or low-cost resources to build upon your skills. Take time for self-care, both physical and mental. Even small activities like a short walk, reading a book, or practicing mindfulness can make a significant difference in managing stress and depression. Acknowledge your limitations and set realistic expectations for yourself. Understand that you can only do so much, and it's okay to ask for help or delegate tasks when needed.
Remember that it's okay to ask for help and take steps at your own pace. It's essential to prioritize your mental health and well-being. If you find it challenging to address these issues alone, reaching out to a professional for support can be a crucial step in the right direction.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2022

Listen
Relationship
I have been married for a little more than five years and I am living under tremendous stress and depression. We live in a joint family with my parents and an unmarried brother. I had told her all this before marriage. She loves me very much but her attitude towards my relatives has been a matter of concern right from the start. She does not want to keep a relationship with anybody apart from my immediate family. Slowly, she started having problems with my mother also; both have started having minor clashes at home. Many times, it is my mother’s mistake. The main problem is that she is very nagging and complains and gets irritated very frequently at the smallest instance. Frustrated, I planned on separating with her but the news came of her pregnancy and we were blessed with a baby girl. After the baby was born, my wife’s frustration and irritation has increased manifold because of her fear that my mother will give much more love to the baby then she can. So their clashes have increased. Now my wife has been putting a lot of pressure on me to look for a new house away from my parents, since she wants her own space. I already have a home loan on the existing home and a car loan. There is very less scope for me to purchase a new home and I don't want to leave my parents. She just doesn't understand my position and clashes happen between us. Looking at all this, I desperately want to separate from her but can't do so because of our daughter. I love her the most and can't live without her. So I just endure what is happening every day. This has resulted in me slipping into depression. It has affected my work in office as well. I am not performing well, I don't like to speak with any of my friends or relatives, I don't feel like doing anything. I’m living for the sake of my daughter, that's it. Even my parents are not in a position to understand me and my situation so I can't talk to them either. Can you help? Just don’t publish my name.
Ans:

Hi

It is unfortunate that you are in this situation.

Your wife is possibly not very inclined to be in a joint family set-up; the reasons maybe many. But isn’t it necessary for you as a husband and a father to look out for your family?

The misunderstandings caused between the two of you over the years because of being in a joint family set-up have never been addressed and much water has flowed under the bridge.

There is a slim chance that matters might get resolved if you get your mother and wife in the same room and iron it out, with you being a neutral person who does not take sides; this is the best option.

If this isn’t possible, kindly visit a family counsellor who can step in and show your family a way to live amicably or give you a perspective on how healthy it might be to live separately.

At the end of the day, you have responsibilities towards your wife and child too!

All the best and a Happy 2022.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 29, 2021

Listen
Relationship
Dear Anu, I am married for 18 years. Have two kids, son (17) and daughter (9). My problem is that though I am in a regular job at a PSU, my wife thinks that I don't earn much. She thinks so much and get stressed which in turn gets in explosive and when it burst I cannot control myself and I get physical (manhandle) her. Due to this all fault becomes my fault and I have to apologise to her for behaviour. Apart from this she is having some kind of problem which she keeps fuming at me or anyone for that matter for anything. When I get irritated by such things she refuses that she didn't even said so. If said so, I understood it in wrong sense. I think I am having too many problems which I cannot explain here. Sometimes I think of going to psychiatrist but don't wish to go because then I will be certified as mad and thereafter all fault and problems will be due to me. If I ask her to go to psychiatrist she won't agree either. Please help how to deal such situation in this stage of life. I love her so much so there is no question of separating from her. Please feel free to ask me anything you require for giving me a response.
Ans: Dear AKB, why does money ever come into a marriage; I wonder!

Well, we do need money to keep the family running, right?

Somehow, external happenings of someone earning more can get into the marriage cropping up as comparisons.

What started as a mere seed of comparison, slowly starts to become a huge tree with fruits of poison robbing even the small successes that you might have had.

Even that seems never enough leaving you with a feeling of inadequacy.

This affects marriage compatibility and comes out as anger, sadness, violent outburst, finger pointing which is evident in your marriage.

At the same time, I am sure your wife does not really intend to hurt you with these behavioural displays.

And that’s why externalising the situation to be your fault arises and she does not want to think that her perceptions are what are causing the situation.

Either you sit her down and bring her down to facts of the matter that this is how life is going to be and this is the money is what you can bring.

If it’s still an issue and she has a hard time accepting this reality, involve an elder member from her family to communicate with her.

Show her the mirror as to how her wants are unequal to what money is coming in and how this regular chatter might be affecting the children as well.

If anyone needs professional intervention, it’s both of you going to a therapist and not a psychiatrist.

The expert can help out things into perspective where both of you can rebuild your relationship with renewed mind spaces.

Happy rebuilding!

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |387 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 12, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Hi, age 40 years, monthly net salary Rs 85k, married , 1 kid. Recently have constructed new house. Ground floor commercial shops, and 1st floor residential 2bhk flat were we stay. Home loan 1.05 cr with monthly EMI of 85k for next 30 years & All current savings exhausted due to new construction. Commercial shops have potential for monthly rental income of 60k to 70k.please guide on below for strategy: 1) how to close home loan in next 10 years 2) considering 60 as retirement age, need corpus of 8 cr to fund kid education, marriage and for rest of livelihood.
Ans: Hello;

1. Immediately let out the commercial shops on long lease with yearly rent hikes. This is crucial to fund your loan EMI.

Assuming this to yield rental income of 70 K per month.

You will still need to shell out 15 K for the EMI amount from your income.

2. So after deducting EMI cut from your monthly pay we are left with
70 K.
Earmarking 30 K for your regular expenses, I suggest you start a monthly SIP of 40 K in a pure equity mutual fund with yearly top-up of 11% minimum.

This may grow into a corpus of 1.47 Cr after 10 years part of which you may utilise to settle off the overdue loan amount.

3. The balance corpus left after settling the loan is expected to be around 54 L. At this stage you will need enhance monthly sip to 1.5 L with 13 % yearly top-up for the next 10 years.

4. The corpus from SIP after the next 10 years may be 6.3 Cr. The balance corpus of 54 L may grow into a sum of 1.83 Cr. Both added will give you a comprehensive corpus of 8.13 Cr, as desired. ( A modest return of 13% from pure equity mutual funds is considered).

Happy Investing!!

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

...Read more

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3811 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Oct 13, 2024

Listen
Career
Sir the median package at ssnce for cse core is less than rvce ise .So does it make more viable option considering placement in mind .I have a dream of becoming software engineer from my childhood. But my seniors are advising for rvce ise.what to do should I follow my dream or placement.I am a Bangalore resident and Tamil is my mother tongue.
Ans: Ashwin, my son, graduated from RVCE in 2023 and secured employment through campus placement with a reputable software company. Despite being among the highest achievers in COMEDK, he opted for ECE instead of the more accessible CSE. We did not compel him to join CSE. Following his second year, he progressively shown an interest in software and obtained several certifications through NPTEL, Internshala, and similar platforms. Regarding his experience, while ISE is commendable, CSE is the superior option. Simply enter 'RV placement statistics 2024'. Select the initial result to get the Placement Statistics of RV directly. The top placements are for Computer Science Engineering, followed by Electronics and Communication Engineering, and then Information Science Engineering. The recommendations of your seniors, your personal interests, and the branch with the highest placement statistics are distinct considerations. Kindly review the Course Curriculum for both CSE and ISE and make a decision. Kindly review one of my detailed responses below, in which I have explicitly outlined the stages, recommendations, and methods that a first-year engineering student should adhere to till their fourth year for campus placement. All the BEST for Your Prosperous Future.

To know more on ‘ Careers | Education | Jobs’, ask / follow Us here in RediffGURUS.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x