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Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by MM on Jul 22, 2022Hindi

Hi, my daughter got married in 2018. Her husband works in the US. Immediately after marriage she left with her husband to the US. My daughter is a single child and had a protected sort of life. At times immature and stubborn, she also has anger issues. She was not supposed to work, as my SIL wanted a housewife.
There was compatibility issues between them from the beginning. He is from a very conservative family which we were not aware of before marriage. She got depressed there as the climate did not suit her and had no one to talk to. Most of her neighbours were working. SIL was busy with his work. They used to go out for drives or visit nearby places.
We were not allowed to visit her. She finally came down to India homesick and in depression in 2020. Since then, he seems to be totally indifferent to her. She misses him terribly but he seems disinterested. He is only career driven and she has to message him always. He doesn't want to video chat or voice-call her. It’s nearly two years now. We tried talking to his parents but since they are financially dependent on him, they are not doing anything. What is to be done in this case? Please advise.

Ans:

Dear MM,

I am not against getting daughters married to people who live abroad, but at the same time, there’s only little that you know of them.

Just because the boy lives in the US, does not mean that he is broad minded and progressive.

Sadly, your daughter has fallen into a family that does not value feminine charm and power and wants to cull it before it can spread its magic around.

How do you explain something like this to her?

As a woman and mother, will you tell your daughter to grin it and bear it?

Someone who doesn’t have the decency to initiate a call to talk to his wife, sitting on a throne waiting for her to call? (I am going by the details provided by you as I don’t know his side of the story here).

It might be worth the effort to talk to your daughter and find out, if she has also put in the necessary work into growing into the marriage; as living far away from the family might have made her homesick and not working might have made her feel lonely.

This might have also caused her to isolate herself from the marriage which in turn would have caused cracks in it.

Hear both sides, and then come to a wise decision! Ultimately, she’s your daughter and I do know that you want what’s best for her.

So, think and act in a manner that’s best for her; unbiased to begin with.

Best wishes!

Relationship1Reply

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Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

Question by TVR - Jun 09, 2021Hindi

Dear madam, it’s about my daughter. She is 22, completed Msc (economics) in IIT-Kharagpur and will join job in July at Gurugram. She 2nd of two kids, son being the 1st, also an IITian, now in the US She is with us since March 2020, the longest period after 7 years. She has average intelligence and follows her brother. We never exerted any pressure but always supported her. She strives very hard to reach her goals. In that process she always experiences very tense moments. She shares all in detail with her mother (some very silly). My wife always listens patiently and extends all the required support. She also excelled in cultural activities at IIT -- was cast in a lead role in a short film which stood first in the IIT meet. She was affected by corona during which she did internship with Nomura. She cleared CFA level 1 in Dec 20 and is continuing her last semester from home. She is very much attached to the family and always insists that we live with her. At the same time, she is lazy and never inclined to share any work at home. She was and is busy with her studies then and internship now. She spends most of the day sleeping; working at night, chatting and hardly communicates pleasantries with me and her mother. We do discuss about general things. During conversations with her mother, she would shout and get upset with anything she dislikes. However she will be very normal with her friends. I worry silently but my wife is not able to be passive which is resulting in verbal duels frequently for silly or no reason. My concerns: 1. Her irregular timings – she wakes up at 1 pm,misses breakfast, lunch 2 pm, dinner 10 pm and sleeps sometime after 2 am. 2. She is not exercising. 3. She intervenes in our conversation (between me and my wife) and finds fault with the thinking of my wife. I routinely console my wife that all will be OK soon. But I find it difficult to convince her. Importantly I’ve become helpless and speechless whenever both of them indulge in verbal duels. All my attempts to pacify them are useless. My request to keep silence is not at all heeded. Both find fault with me for not supporting their points. Both are correct from their angles, however the issues are silly. Later both shower so much of love and I always wonder whether they even indulged in fierce battle a little while ago. My concern: How to handle the situation? How to make them silent? Any advice will be appreciated and followed.

Ans: Dear TVR, is it possible to make anyone silent, especially against their will?

Talking loudly or screaming at each other clearly indicates that there is a communication breakdown in that relationship. And silence cannot rebuild this.

There’s a lot of love and a lot of arguments between a mother and a daughter.

It is filled with care, worry, anxiety and a lot of love. They are well meaning but maybe the manner in which it is expressed may not be the best.

Your wife certainly wants to have a better level of communication with the daughter but do remember at age 22, she doesn’t need instructions but more of friendly suggestion; practically ‘A take it or leave it’ one.

But relinquishing this way of parenting and moving to a friendlier one takes a lot of mindset change as now you both are parenting a young lady and not a girl

Also, it would be worth an effort to know if all the studies that she is currently pursuing is not something that is for the outside world and to follow her brother but is something that she likes.

Professional competitive courses can sometimes rob a person of a holistic life leaving little time to have hobbies or a social life to enjoy. Is she under pressure? Does she like what she is studying?

A few study late into the night and a few wake up early. Whatever that is, she must maintain a better lifestyle and eat well. Not maintaining proper mealtimes can be reflective of stress also.

I suggest you and your wife have a chat/talk with her not to instruct her on what to do and what not to BUT making it casual like the three of you are on the same side and looking at the situation outside of you.

That will make her trust you both even more and it could possibly lead her to a better state of mind to tackle her studies and have a good personal life as well.

Wishing your family a wonderful connection.

Relationship1

Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 28, 2022

Question by S - Sep 28, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, I'm a 50 year old male married for 10 years. This is our second marriage for both of us. We live abroad. Since Day One my spouse was suspicious of me linking me with anyone on the street. She says I'm sighting girls. She suspected that I am interested in my elder sister-in-law since marriage. She never told me this for three years. Due to this we never had any relationship (and no child). Because of this constant fighting I lost my mother (I apologised to mother since I was not able to take care of her and I was unhappy. She died within a month of my apology.) I never told anyone either of our relatives about our problems. My father is 90 and alive. I don't want to cause any problem to him. During these 10 years her father never bothered to check if any problems. I hardly slept 1-2 days a week during these years.My spouse never changed a bit during these 10 years. Her position reached a stage where I had to admit her to hospital for psychosis. She got discharged in 2 months because her parents were adamant on discharge on the condition that she will travel to India. But once discharged, she refused to travel for nearly 10 months. Her father supported her. When her mother passed away in December 2020, due to Covid her return tickets got cancelled. In December 2021 she was again in hospital for 20 days in India for similar psychological issues. In April 2022 I visited her house in India and gave her father a 4-page document detailing her behaviour during these 10 years. He simply said she has done unknowingly. He is adamant on trying to send her back to me. While I am struggling to live, her father lives a happy life with his pension. As a father he never corrects his daughter and instead tries to push the problems to me.I have asked for a divorce but she is not willing to give and starts shouting hysterically. Please let me know how to proceed.

Ans:

Dear S,

If you have decided that divorce is the only option to consider, then yes, file for divorce legally by hiring a lawyer who has specialized in cases where the spouse is unwilling to let the divorce happen.

In short, if it’s not a mutual consent, it might drag on for years, so get a good skilled lawyer to take up your case.

On the emotional side of things, I urge you to be patient and empathetic towards your wife. With her mental health condition, she possibly has no control over her thoughts and subsequent actions are a result of an impulsive reaction.

Yes, it is unfortunate that the marriage went through a lot of low phases but do remember she is a human who is going through a challenge which is not easy to fathom by people who don’t have a mental illness.

I realise that this might be a little difficult to do, but in the long-term scheme of things, it will be a good ally as a sound and calm mind helps you through challenging times.

This point of view will help you through the divorce proceedings where you will be able to be fair and just to make sure that she is also taken care of.

All the best for a better journey ahead!

Relationship1

Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023