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Exhausted Daughter: Son-in-law's Weekly Visits & Marital Strain - How to Help?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My daughter is a working women & married about a year ago Son in law wants to visit his parents who reside in the same city every week..which is exhausting to her. When discussed with him, he fights with her..she appears to be depressed. Please advice how to proceed.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So, let them work on an arrangement where she can go along with them to visit her in-laws maybe once or twice a month instead of every weekend? She obviously cannot avoid them and neither can she ask her husband to not visit his parents. So, let him go visit them every weekend, but since she finds it exhausting, she can work out something and choose her number of visits to them.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Hi, my daughter got married in 2018. Her husband works in the US. Immediately after marriage she left with her husband to the US. My daughter is a single child and had a protected sort of life. At times immature and stubborn, she also has anger issues. She was not supposed to work, as my SIL wanted a housewife.There was compatibility issues between them from the beginning. He is from a very conservative family which we were not aware of before marriage. She got depressed there as the climate did not suit her and had no one to talk to. Most of her neighbours were working. SIL was busy with his work. They used to go out for drives or visit nearby places.We were not allowed to visit her. She finally came down to India homesick and in depression in 2020. Since then, he seems to be totally indifferent to her. She misses him terribly but he seems disinterested. He is only career driven and she has to message him always. He doesn't want to video chat or voice-call her. It’s nearly two years now. We tried talking to his parents but since they are financially dependent on him, they are not doing anything. What is to be done in this case? Please advise.
Ans:

Dear MM,

I am not against getting daughters married to people who live abroad, but at the same time, there’s only little that you know of them.

Just because the boy lives in the US, does not mean that he is broad minded and progressive.

Sadly, your daughter has fallen into a family that does not value feminine charm and power and wants to cull it before it can spread its magic around.

How do you explain something like this to her?

As a woman and mother, will you tell your daughter to grin it and bear it?

Someone who doesn’t have the decency to initiate a call to talk to his wife, sitting on a throne waiting for her to call? (I am going by the details provided by you as I don’t know his side of the story here).

It might be worth the effort to talk to your daughter and find out, if she has also put in the necessary work into growing into the marriage; as living far away from the family might have made her homesick and not working might have made her feel lonely.

This might have also caused her to isolate herself from the marriage which in turn would have caused cracks in it.

Hear both sides, and then come to a wise decision! Ultimately, she’s your daughter and I do know that you want what’s best for her.

So, think and act in a manner that’s best for her; unbiased to begin with.

Best wishes!

..Read more

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Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

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Mam, I am retired father in law and financial well off. My son got married five years back. It is arranged marriage through matrimony. My son and daughter in law are both post degree qualified and well placed and staying with us. We tried asking for some money from both of them for monthly family expenses after two years of marriage which daughter in law refused and said you want dowry in this form, she record conversations, threat us of stree mukti, of police complaint , object our daughter visiting our place, blames us etc. Very often, she fight with her husband as well. We are only in reactive mode every time and accommodate her. Nowadays, she has started demanding the money spent by her mother in marriage and frequently leave our house and stay with her mother. We are afraid that she does not fake complain and harrasss us. Does not have any respect to relation, relatives, isolated /self centric, high ego and make other irritate type of personality, thinks of herself, does not believe that there is world outside. Please advise.
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Since I only have your version of the story, I can only assume that you are going through a rough patch. But I do believe it takes two sides in any story. Why is it that your daughter-in-law wants to all of a sudden behave this way? Were things fine in the initial years of marriage?
Why the sudden demand of money from you when you say that she is well-placed? Surely something seems amiss here.
Anyway, it is worrisome when your own people behave in this way. You are also justified in feeling that she may make a false complaint. Where is your son's mind in this matter? I think he should also be worried about the way things are changing. Is he unable to or has he tried to talk to his wife? At this point, let no one else interfere and let him be the sole person to deal with her.
He knows the challenges at home and will know what to do. So kindly request your son to step in (if he hasn't already done that) and sort this out in the most amicable manner. This first step will then determine the future course of action.
Having said this, I do want the family to recall if there has been any instance that has triggered your daughter-in-law to act this way. That will give you an idea to proceed in the right direction.

Best wishes!

..Read more

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I am 64, retired living in own house together with wife, son and daughter -in law for last five years. Both, son and daughter are professionally qualified, well placed and earn good. The daughter - in law out of last five years stayed away for half the time for one reason or the other at her mother place. She is very egoistic and arrogant and fight with everyone in family for no great reason including, son and my married daughter whenever she comes to our place to meet us. She has an objection her coming to our place. She has ones threatened us of complaining to police and women organization, Stree Mukti Sanghatana. She makes mountain out of anthill every time so we have stopped talking to her. The couple is staying with us, we bear all family expenses and don't expect even a penny from both son and Daughter in - law as ,when ones money of Rs. 15 K was asked to, she refused and made an allegation that we want dowry in this form . Son help us with some monthly expenses every month. She is staying alone away from us for more than 6 months now. My son is also tired of her behavior. We even have approached her mother, she also keep hand on deaf ears as she also does not listen to her and one brother. Please advice, what do we do in the circumstances?
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Kindly convey to your son and daughter-in-law that they live in a separate house. (This is a suggestion but you know your family better; so act accordingly). This will not only give them the space but will also keep finances separate between you and your son. Sometimes a joint family system does not work for all families and this space of separation can help resolve differences or bring the emotions to a neutral place. Either case, at least you and your wife need not go through stress everyday.
Distance helps bring people together and too much of familiarity is only making it worse. Do try this and hope things settle soon.

All the best!

..Read more

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Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

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I am 64, retired living in own house together with wife, son and daughter -in law for last five years. Both, son and daughter are professionally qualified, well placed and earn good. The daughter - in law out of last five years stayed away for half the time for one reason or the other at her mother place. She is very egoistic and arrogant and fight with everyone in family for no great reason including, son and my married daughter whenever she comes to our place to meet us. She has an objection her coming to our place. She has ones threatened us of complaining to police and women organization, Stree Mukti Sanghatana. She makes mountain out of anthill every time so we have stopped talking to her. The couple is staying with us, we bear all family expenses and don't expect even a penny from both son and Daughter in - law as ,when ones money of Rs. 15 K was asked to, she refused and made an allegation that we want dowry in this form . Son help us with some monthly expenses every month. She is staying alone away from us for more than 6 months now. My son is also tired of her behavior. We even have approached her mother, she also keep hand on deaf ears as she also does not listen to her and one brother. Please advice, what do we do in the circumstances?
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Kindly convey to your son and daughter-in-law that they live in a separate house. (This is a suggestion but you know your family better; so act accordingly). This will not only give them the space but will also keep finances separate between you and your son. Sometimes a joint family system does not work for all families and this space of separation can help resolve differences or bring the emotions to a neutral place. Either case, at least you and your wife need not go through stress everyday.
Distance helps bring people together and too much of familiarity is only making it worse. Do try this and hope things settle soon.

All the best!

..Read more

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Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

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What should I do after my bsc in medical
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Where should I invest Rs. 50000 in Index mutual fund or in ETF?
Ans: When deciding between Index Mutual Funds, ETFs, and actively managed diversified equity funds, actively managed funds often stand out. Let’s analyse why active diversified equity funds are a better option for your Rs. 50,000 investment.

Understanding Index Funds and ETFs
Index Funds: These passively replicate an index like NIFTY 50 or SENSEX. They aim to match the market’s performance, not beat it.

ETFs (Exchange Traded Funds): Similar to index funds but trade like stocks on exchanges. They require a Demat account.

Disadvantages of Index Funds and ETFs
Limited Returns Potential
Index funds and ETFs only track the market.
They cannot outperform the benchmark, even when market conditions allow for superior performance.
No Protection in Market Downturns
Index funds replicate the index, so they fall equally during market downturns.
Active funds may reduce losses with better sector and stock allocation.
Lack of Professional Judgment
Index funds follow pre-set rules, ignoring company-specific fundamentals.
Actively managed funds use professional fund managers who adjust portfolios to maximise gains.
Hidden Costs in ETFs
ETFs may seem cost-effective but involve additional brokerage and Demat account charges.
Liquidity issues can lead to price variations between the market price and NAV.
Benefits of Active Diversified Equity Funds
Potential for Superior Returns
Experienced fund managers aim to outperform the benchmark.
They carefully select high-potential stocks across sectors and market caps.
Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not restricted to index stocks.
They pick companies with strong fundamentals, growth prospects, and attractive valuations.
Downside Protection
Fund managers can reduce exposure to risky sectors during market downturns.
This minimises losses compared to passive funds.
Tax Efficiency with Strategic Planning
Gains can be optimised with periodic review and rebalancing.
Active funds often deliver better after-tax returns over the long term.
Why Rs. 50,000 Fits Well in Active Diversified Equity Funds
A one-time investment of Rs. 50,000 deserves active management for maximised growth.
Over 5–10 years, active funds are better positioned to beat inflation and create wealth.
Suggested Allocation for Active Diversified Equity Funds
Large-Cap Equity Funds (30%-40%): Stability and consistent returns.
Flexi-Cap Equity Funds (40%-50%): Flexibility to invest across market caps.
Mid-Cap Equity Funds (20%-30%): Higher growth potential with moderate risk.
Key Considerations
Stay invested for at least 7–10 years for compounding benefits.
Review performance annually and rebalance if needed.
Avoid chasing short-term trends or reacting to market noise.
Final Insights
Index funds and ETFs are suitable for certain scenarios, but they lack active management benefits. By investing Rs. 50,000 in actively managed diversified equity funds, you can maximise returns, minimise risks, and benefit from professional expertise.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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