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Exhausted Daughter: Son-in-law's Weekly Visits & Marital Strain - How to Help?

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My daughter is a working women & married about a year ago Son in law wants to visit his parents who reside in the same city every week..which is exhausting to her. When discussed with him, he fights with her..she appears to be depressed. Please advice how to proceed.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So, let them work on an arrangement where she can go along with them to visit her in-laws maybe once or twice a month instead of every weekend? She obviously cannot avoid them and neither can she ask her husband to not visit his parents. So, let him go visit them every weekend, but since she finds it exhausting, she can work out something and choose her number of visits to them.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Hi, my daughter got married in 2018. Her husband works in the US. Immediately after marriage she left with her husband to the US. My daughter is a single child and had a protected sort of life. At times immature and stubborn, she also has anger issues. She was not supposed to work, as my SIL wanted a housewife.There was compatibility issues between them from the beginning. He is from a very conservative family which we were not aware of before marriage. She got depressed there as the climate did not suit her and had no one to talk to. Most of her neighbours were working. SIL was busy with his work. They used to go out for drives or visit nearby places.We were not allowed to visit her. She finally came down to India homesick and in depression in 2020. Since then, he seems to be totally indifferent to her. She misses him terribly but he seems disinterested. He is only career driven and she has to message him always. He doesn't want to video chat or voice-call her. It’s nearly two years now. We tried talking to his parents but since they are financially dependent on him, they are not doing anything. What is to be done in this case? Please advise.
Ans:

Dear MM,

I am not against getting daughters married to people who live abroad, but at the same time, there’s only little that you know of them.

Just because the boy lives in the US, does not mean that he is broad minded and progressive.

Sadly, your daughter has fallen into a family that does not value feminine charm and power and wants to cull it before it can spread its magic around.

How do you explain something like this to her?

As a woman and mother, will you tell your daughter to grin it and bear it?

Someone who doesn’t have the decency to initiate a call to talk to his wife, sitting on a throne waiting for her to call? (I am going by the details provided by you as I don’t know his side of the story here).

It might be worth the effort to talk to your daughter and find out, if she has also put in the necessary work into growing into the marriage; as living far away from the family might have made her homesick and not working might have made her feel lonely.

This might have also caused her to isolate herself from the marriage which in turn would have caused cracks in it.

Hear both sides, and then come to a wise decision! Ultimately, she’s your daughter and I do know that you want what’s best for her.

So, think and act in a manner that’s best for her; unbiased to begin with.

Best wishes!

..Read more

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Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

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Mam, I am retired father in law and financial well off. My son got married five years back. It is arranged marriage through matrimony. My son and daughter in law are both post degree qualified and well placed and staying with us. We tried asking for some money from both of them for monthly family expenses after two years of marriage which daughter in law refused and said you want dowry in this form, she record conversations, threat us of stree mukti, of police complaint , object our daughter visiting our place, blames us etc. Very often, she fight with her husband as well. We are only in reactive mode every time and accommodate her. Nowadays, she has started demanding the money spent by her mother in marriage and frequently leave our house and stay with her mother. We are afraid that she does not fake complain and harrasss us. Does not have any respect to relation, relatives, isolated /self centric, high ego and make other irritate type of personality, thinks of herself, does not believe that there is world outside. Please advise.
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Since I only have your version of the story, I can only assume that you are going through a rough patch. But I do believe it takes two sides in any story. Why is it that your daughter-in-law wants to all of a sudden behave this way? Were things fine in the initial years of marriage?
Why the sudden demand of money from you when you say that she is well-placed? Surely something seems amiss here.
Anyway, it is worrisome when your own people behave in this way. You are also justified in feeling that she may make a false complaint. Where is your son's mind in this matter? I think he should also be worried about the way things are changing. Is he unable to or has he tried to talk to his wife? At this point, let no one else interfere and let him be the sole person to deal with her.
He knows the challenges at home and will know what to do. So kindly request your son to step in (if he hasn't already done that) and sort this out in the most amicable manner. This first step will then determine the future course of action.
Having said this, I do want the family to recall if there has been any instance that has triggered your daughter-in-law to act this way. That will give you an idea to proceed in the right direction.

Best wishes!

..Read more

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I am 64, retired living in own house together with wife, son and daughter -in law for last five years. Both, son and daughter are professionally qualified, well placed and earn good. The daughter - in law out of last five years stayed away for half the time for one reason or the other at her mother place. She is very egoistic and arrogant and fight with everyone in family for no great reason including, son and my married daughter whenever she comes to our place to meet us. She has an objection her coming to our place. She has ones threatened us of complaining to police and women organization, Stree Mukti Sanghatana. She makes mountain out of anthill every time so we have stopped talking to her. The couple is staying with us, we bear all family expenses and don't expect even a penny from both son and Daughter in - law as ,when ones money of Rs. 15 K was asked to, she refused and made an allegation that we want dowry in this form . Son help us with some monthly expenses every month. She is staying alone away from us for more than 6 months now. My son is also tired of her behavior. We even have approached her mother, she also keep hand on deaf ears as she also does not listen to her and one brother. Please advice, what do we do in the circumstances?
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Kindly convey to your son and daughter-in-law that they live in a separate house. (This is a suggestion but you know your family better; so act accordingly). This will not only give them the space but will also keep finances separate between you and your son. Sometimes a joint family system does not work for all families and this space of separation can help resolve differences or bring the emotions to a neutral place. Either case, at least you and your wife need not go through stress everyday.
Distance helps bring people together and too much of familiarity is only making it worse. Do try this and hope things settle soon.

All the best!

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Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

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I am 64, retired living in own house together with wife, son and daughter -in law for last five years. Both, son and daughter are professionally qualified, well placed and earn good. The daughter - in law out of last five years stayed away for half the time for one reason or the other at her mother place. She is very egoistic and arrogant and fight with everyone in family for no great reason including, son and my married daughter whenever she comes to our place to meet us. She has an objection her coming to our place. She has ones threatened us of complaining to police and women organization, Stree Mukti Sanghatana. She makes mountain out of anthill every time so we have stopped talking to her. The couple is staying with us, we bear all family expenses and don't expect even a penny from both son and Daughter in - law as ,when ones money of Rs. 15 K was asked to, she refused and made an allegation that we want dowry in this form . Son help us with some monthly expenses every month. She is staying alone away from us for more than 6 months now. My son is also tired of her behavior. We even have approached her mother, she also keep hand on deaf ears as she also does not listen to her and one brother. Please advice, what do we do in the circumstances?
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Kindly convey to your son and daughter-in-law that they live in a separate house. (This is a suggestion but you know your family better; so act accordingly). This will not only give them the space but will also keep finances separate between you and your son. Sometimes a joint family system does not work for all families and this space of separation can help resolve differences or bring the emotions to a neutral place. Either case, at least you and your wife need not go through stress everyday.
Distance helps bring people together and too much of familiarity is only making it worse. Do try this and hope things settle soon.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

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Janak

Janak Patel  |20 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Mar 11, 2025

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Hello Sir, I am 42 years old IT professional. I have one son of 6 years and in class 1. My wife also works and our combined MF portfolio is of 1.1 cr. We both invest 90k per month in various mutual funds. I have purchased one flat which has 60 lacs of home loan and 58000 emi. I have sold my current flat in 80 lacs. I am in confusion of what to do with this money. Should I part close my home loan, should i invest it in mutual funds or should i go for PMS. I am in no hurry to pre close home loan as I can close the loan in next 6-7 years from our salary and my PPF. My goal is to maximize my returns to create wealth as I want to retire by 50. I have monthly expenses of 75K including my child fees for now. Please suggest. Thank you.
Ans: Hi Shaks,

Your query will resonate with many working professionals.

First and foremost, please check/calculate if you have capital gains arising out of the sale of your current flat. This is important for tax implication and will also help make your decision for utilizing the funds.

Lets assume you have some capital gains from this sale, then you can again have to confirm if the capital gains can be utilized without paying tax on it - this is possible if you have purchased the new flat within the last 1 year. If so, then you can utilize/adjust the capital gains towards payments made for the new flat and save tax on it. If you have purchased the new flat earlier than the last 1 year, then you have 2 options - pay tax on the capital gains and then use the funds as you wish OR invest the capital gains amount in NHAI bonds (locked) for the next 5 years (pay tax only on the interest earned).

Once you have sorted the above, you will know what is the amount in hand to make your decision, so lets dive into it.
You have a loan of 60 Lacs and you can manage the EMI from your salaries. Over the next 6-7 years, your salary will also see an increment of approx 7-8% annually, so I suggest you utilize this excess amount each year to prepay/topup your EMI payments. This will help reduce the loan burden over time. At the time of retirement, your loan outstanding can be paid with available options at that time.
You mentioned PPF as an option - I would suggest you do not utilize PPF amount towards this loan closure. The reason is PPF is a completely tax exempt asset and can be utilized well towards retirement income. Of course depends on how much you have accumulated in PPF.

So lets now consider paying the loan amount with the sale proceeds of the current flat. You have a loan today (assuming interest rate applicable is 8-8.5%), which you can manage and you are keen to continue it till retirement, so also recommend you do so. Keep the sale proceed amount available for investment and wealth creation as there are opportunities that can generate returns at a same rate (conservative options) and higher returns (with a slightly higher risk associated).

As you do not have any major liability which is outstanding or cannot be managed, and also you are investing 90k per month in Mutual funds, you can consider wealth creation options for the sale amount available.
PMS is an option but I feel its risks will out weigh the returns in the time frame you have, unless you have a known and trust-worthy option you want to consider.
As you are looking to retire early, at age 50, you should target to create a corpus that will sustain your retirement life (consider at least 30 years post retirement) and your child's education requirements.
Hence my recommendation would be to invest in Mutual Funds and continue with your PPF until retirement. A well constructed portfolio to create a retirement corpus and your child's education requirements would be required.

You can consult a Certified Financial Planner to help you with this plan. They can guide you with your Investments and Retirement planning and provide options to consider and provide advise on risk management (Insurance requirements).

Thanks & Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

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Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |954 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Mar 11, 2025

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