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Exhausted Daughter: Son-in-law's Weekly Visits & Marital Strain - How to Help?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1303 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My daughter is a working women & married about a year ago Son in law wants to visit his parents who reside in the same city every week..which is exhausting to her. When discussed with him, he fights with her..she appears to be depressed. Please advice how to proceed.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So, let them work on an arrangement where she can go along with them to visit her in-laws maybe once or twice a month instead of every weekend? She obviously cannot avoid them and neither can she ask her husband to not visit his parents. So, let him go visit them every weekend, but since she finds it exhausting, she can work out something and choose her number of visits to them.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1303 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

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Hi, my daughter got married in 2018. Her husband works in the US. Immediately after marriage she left with her husband to the US. My daughter is a single child and had a protected sort of life. At times immature and stubborn, she also has anger issues. She was not supposed to work, as my SIL wanted a housewife.There was compatibility issues between them from the beginning. He is from a very conservative family which we were not aware of before marriage. She got depressed there as the climate did not suit her and had no one to talk to. Most of her neighbours were working. SIL was busy with his work. They used to go out for drives or visit nearby places.We were not allowed to visit her. She finally came down to India homesick and in depression in 2020. Since then, he seems to be totally indifferent to her. She misses him terribly but he seems disinterested. He is only career driven and she has to message him always. He doesn't want to video chat or voice-call her. It’s nearly two years now. We tried talking to his parents but since they are financially dependent on him, they are not doing anything. What is to be done in this case? Please advise.
Ans:

Dear MM,

I am not against getting daughters married to people who live abroad, but at the same time, there’s only little that you know of them.

Just because the boy lives in the US, does not mean that he is broad minded and progressive.

Sadly, your daughter has fallen into a family that does not value feminine charm and power and wants to cull it before it can spread its magic around.

How do you explain something like this to her?

As a woman and mother, will you tell your daughter to grin it and bear it?

Someone who doesn’t have the decency to initiate a call to talk to his wife, sitting on a throne waiting for her to call? (I am going by the details provided by you as I don’t know his side of the story here).

It might be worth the effort to talk to your daughter and find out, if she has also put in the necessary work into growing into the marriage; as living far away from the family might have made her homesick and not working might have made her feel lonely.

This might have also caused her to isolate herself from the marriage which in turn would have caused cracks in it.

Hear both sides, and then come to a wise decision! Ultimately, she’s your daughter and I do know that you want what’s best for her.

So, think and act in a manner that’s best for her; unbiased to begin with.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1303 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

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Mam, I am retired father in law and financial well off. My son got married five years back. It is arranged marriage through matrimony. My son and daughter in law are both post degree qualified and well placed and staying with us. We tried asking for some money from both of them for monthly family expenses after two years of marriage which daughter in law refused and said you want dowry in this form, she record conversations, threat us of stree mukti, of police complaint , object our daughter visiting our place, blames us etc. Very often, she fight with her husband as well. We are only in reactive mode every time and accommodate her. Nowadays, she has started demanding the money spent by her mother in marriage and frequently leave our house and stay with her mother. We are afraid that she does not fake complain and harrasss us. Does not have any respect to relation, relatives, isolated /self centric, high ego and make other irritate type of personality, thinks of herself, does not believe that there is world outside. Please advise.
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Since I only have your version of the story, I can only assume that you are going through a rough patch. But I do believe it takes two sides in any story. Why is it that your daughter-in-law wants to all of a sudden behave this way? Were things fine in the initial years of marriage?
Why the sudden demand of money from you when you say that she is well-placed? Surely something seems amiss here.
Anyway, it is worrisome when your own people behave in this way. You are also justified in feeling that she may make a false complaint. Where is your son's mind in this matter? I think he should also be worried about the way things are changing. Is he unable to or has he tried to talk to his wife? At this point, let no one else interfere and let him be the sole person to deal with her.
He knows the challenges at home and will know what to do. So kindly request your son to step in (if he hasn't already done that) and sort this out in the most amicable manner. This first step will then determine the future course of action.
Having said this, I do want the family to recall if there has been any instance that has triggered your daughter-in-law to act this way. That will give you an idea to proceed in the right direction.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1303 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

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I am 64, retired living in own house together with wife, son and daughter -in law for last five years. Both, son and daughter are professionally qualified, well placed and earn good. The daughter - in law out of last five years stayed away for half the time for one reason or the other at her mother place. She is very egoistic and arrogant and fight with everyone in family for no great reason including, son and my married daughter whenever she comes to our place to meet us. She has an objection her coming to our place. She has ones threatened us of complaining to police and women organization, Stree Mukti Sanghatana. She makes mountain out of anthill every time so we have stopped talking to her. The couple is staying with us, we bear all family expenses and don't expect even a penny from both son and Daughter in - law as ,when ones money of Rs. 15 K was asked to, she refused and made an allegation that we want dowry in this form . Son help us with some monthly expenses every month. She is staying alone away from us for more than 6 months now. My son is also tired of her behavior. We even have approached her mother, she also keep hand on deaf ears as she also does not listen to her and one brother. Please advice, what do we do in the circumstances?
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Kindly convey to your son and daughter-in-law that they live in a separate house. (This is a suggestion but you know your family better; so act accordingly). This will not only give them the space but will also keep finances separate between you and your son. Sometimes a joint family system does not work for all families and this space of separation can help resolve differences or bring the emotions to a neutral place. Either case, at least you and your wife need not go through stress everyday.
Distance helps bring people together and too much of familiarity is only making it worse. Do try this and hope things settle soon.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1303 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

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Relationship
I am 64, retired living in own house together with wife, son and daughter -in law for last five years. Both, son and daughter are professionally qualified, well placed and earn good. The daughter - in law out of last five years stayed away for half the time for one reason or the other at her mother place. She is very egoistic and arrogant and fight with everyone in family for no great reason including, son and my married daughter whenever she comes to our place to meet us. She has an objection her coming to our place. She has ones threatened us of complaining to police and women organization, Stree Mukti Sanghatana. She makes mountain out of anthill every time so we have stopped talking to her. The couple is staying with us, we bear all family expenses and don't expect even a penny from both son and Daughter in - law as ,when ones money of Rs. 15 K was asked to, she refused and made an allegation that we want dowry in this form . Son help us with some monthly expenses every month. She is staying alone away from us for more than 6 months now. My son is also tired of her behavior. We even have approached her mother, she also keep hand on deaf ears as she also does not listen to her and one brother. Please advice, what do we do in the circumstances?
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Kindly convey to your son and daughter-in-law that they live in a separate house. (This is a suggestion but you know your family better; so act accordingly). This will not only give them the space but will also keep finances separate between you and your son. Sometimes a joint family system does not work for all families and this space of separation can help resolve differences or bring the emotions to a neutral place. Either case, at least you and your wife need not go through stress everyday.
Distance helps bring people together and too much of familiarity is only making it worse. Do try this and hope things settle soon.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1303 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1303 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 06, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I am 55 and married to a wonderful lady of 52. Both of us are employed. We have been blessed with a son who has done his MBBS and now undergoing his PG in a reputed govt hospital. Problem is that I am working with a pvt company ( listed ). While my wife works with a govt company. We are located in two different states and not possible to travel from home on daily basis. So we meet up once a month only. Generally on a second or forth Saturday. As I work with a company where I have to take permission to leave HQ, I feel frustrated that even after working for more than 30 years, one needs to take a permission. Work culture over the years has changed too much as the company has changed hands many times. And now I am not able to change nor ready to change my way if working. And thua brings out friction in my job and affects my performance everywhere. I wish to leave the job as only 03 years are balance and I feel that having a good enough health would allow me some time to pursue my hobbies of travel and meeting with my relatives which I have ignored for so many years. While I wish to take an early retirement ( no financial liabilities and a good enough bank balance and own home too.) But wife is not agreeing to this. Whenever I raise the topic we end up arguing too much and don't reach any conclusion. Regarding her job, she has to travel by own vehicle for almost 45-60 minutes daily. So she cooks only once and for dinner she consumes whatever cooked in morning. House help is not easily available and she is.not able to adjust with them. I don't like this and if I leave my job I could help her with household chores as well. So, my query is how do I pursuade my wife to let me leave the job ( I am not at all insisting for her to leave the job as well ). How do I make her understand that we are financially well enough and our son would do well in his career without needing any more help from us. My continuation in my job frustrates me and I can't think of anything but to leave the job.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It seems to me like your wife is quite comfortable with the current situation. So, it's up to now to handle the conflicts that you are facing.
If you want to leave your job, why do you need to persuade your wife to allow you to do that especially if you are financially stable and secure?
Before taking any major life-changing decisions, take a break from work, travel, socialize, spend time with the family, engage in new pursuits and see if anything new comes up...what excites you? What can you do with that excitement? Can you create something new with it? Does it force you see something different or change the course of your job, your life?
Unless you don't take that moment to STOP and experience something different, you will not allow yourself to have choices. So, build choices and build different ways of thinking and that will enable you to move from frustration to transformation. Take that first step, take a BREAK!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7040 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 12, 2024Hindi
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Money
PLease help me with my financial planning, by when i can retire with this portfolio, i have current expenses of 70k per month. Category Asset Percentage (%) Value (?) Retirement Funds EPF (includes Gratuity and US 401) 33.45% 55,53,000 NPS 13.31% 23,96,000 PPF 7.53% 12,70,000 Bond 7.23% 12,00,000 Total Retirement 61.53% 1,20,19,000 Daughter's Education Fixed Deposit (FD) 4.82% 2,76,000 Mutual Funds 15.36% 31,00,000 Stocks 5.78% 13,47,000 Cash (includes Miscellaneous) 1.95% 3,00,000 Liquid 0.00% 50,000 Total Education 30.12% 50,73,000 Miscellaneous Gold (includes TI) 8.19% 15,08,000 Loan & Family Money Loans + Family Money 0.00% 15,83,333 Grand Total 97.63% 1,85,83,333
Ans: You have outlined a robust financial portfolio with well-diversified assets.

Retirement Funds form a major part of your investments, accounting for 61.53% of your total portfolio. These include EPF, NPS, PPF, and bonds.

Daughter's Education Funds make up 30.12%, including fixed deposits, mutual funds, stocks, and cash reserves.

Miscellaneous Investments like gold and loans/family money account for 8.19%.

Your total portfolio value stands at Rs 1.85 crore. This is a strong base for retirement planning.

Retirement Goal Assessment
You aim to retire with Rs 70,000 monthly expenses. This is Rs 8.4 lakh annually.

Considering inflation, your expenses will increase yearly. Accounting for this is critical.

Your current portfolio may fall short of sustaining retirement if inflation and longevity are not factored in.

Analysing Retirement Investments
1. EPF and NPS Contributions

EPF and NPS together contribute Rs 79.49 lakh.

These are excellent for retirement. EPF ensures stable returns, and NPS offers potential growth.

2. PPF and Bonds

PPF and bonds provide safety and consistent returns.

However, their growth may lag behind inflation.

3. Daughter's Education Funds

Your mutual funds and stocks for education are excellent growth-focused choices.

Fixed deposits provide stability but may not beat inflation.

Retirement Strategy Recommendations
1. Gradual Portfolio Rebalancing

Gradually reduce exposure to high-risk equity investments two years before retirement.

Shift a portion into debt mutual funds or other low-risk instruments.

This protects your corpus from market fluctuations.

2. Consolidate Retirement Corpus

Consider earmarking a portion of mutual funds for retirement instead of education.

This avoids the need to liquidate long-term investments prematurely.

3. Optimise NPS Allocation

Maximise equity exposure within NPS for better long-term returns.

Equity in NPS can provide growth even post-retirement.

4. Build a Liquid Fund

Set aside six months’ expenses in a liquid fund or high-interest savings account.

This ensures easy access during emergencies.

Education Fund Recommendations
1. Prioritise Growth-Oriented Investments

Mutual funds and equity investments can outpace education inflation.

Continue SIPs in well-diversified funds with a mid-to-high risk profile.

2. Review Fixed Deposits

Fixed deposits offer safety but lower returns.

Consider reallocating a portion into balanced mutual funds for better growth.

Tax Efficiency Considerations
1. Mutual Fund Taxation

LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%. Plan redemptions carefully to minimise tax.

STCG is taxed at 20%. Avoid frequent withdrawals to reduce this burden.

2. Fixed Deposit Taxation

FD interest is taxed as per your income slab.

This reduces effective returns compared to tax-efficient mutual funds.

Lifestyle Adjustments for Retirement
1. Assess Post-Retirement Needs

Recalculate expenses to include healthcare and travel costs.

Account for inflation when estimating monthly retirement needs.

2. Healthcare Planning

Secure adequate health insurance for yourself and your family.

This prevents medical emergencies from draining your retirement corpus.

3. Maintain a Contingency Fund

Keep a contingency fund for unforeseen expenses.

This should not be part of your primary retirement corpus.

Professional Guidance and Monitoring
Work with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to evaluate your portfolio regularly.

Adjust your asset allocation annually based on market conditions and your changing goals.

Final Insights
Your disciplined approach has created a solid foundation for financial security. However, your portfolio requires optimisation to meet both retirement and education goals. Focus on balancing growth and stability. Align investments with specific goals to minimise future shortfalls. Maintain regular reviews and adjustments to stay on track for a comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7040 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 10, 2024Hindi
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Money
Dear Sir, I am 49 years Old. Have a current outstanding home loan of Rs 2700000 . The loan is equally divided between me and my wife. This loan was taken in 2022 for fifteen years of Rs 45,00,000. I have increased my EMI and the repayment is done accordingly.. I am into a Partnership business with monthly income of Rs 250000. I have monthly SIP of 40K with total value of Rs 2700000 lacs . I around 13 lacs in Saving account and FDs put together. I was planning to close one of the loan of Rs 1350000. Is it advisable to close the Home loan ? Pl suggest.
Ans: Your financial profile is impressive, with a strong income and disciplined investments. However, home loan closure requires thoughtful assessment. Let's evaluate your situation from all angles.

Current Financial Standing
Income and Loan Details

Monthly income: Rs 2,50,000
Outstanding loan: Rs 27,00,000 (divided equally with your wife)
Loan tenure: 15 years, started in 2022
Investments and Savings

Monthly SIPs: Rs 40,000
SIP value: Rs 27,00,000
Savings and FDs: Rs 13,00,000
You have maintained a disciplined investment approach and a healthy liquidity buffer.

Benefits of Closing One Loan
Reduced Financial Liability

Paying off Rs 13,50,000 reduces loan EMI burden.
Frees up monthly cash flow for other goals.
Interest Savings

Prepayment saves on the interest payable over the tenure.
Longer tenure loans attract higher interest due to compounding.
Psychological Relief

Eliminating one liability reduces financial stress.
Simplifies loan management for your household.
Reasons to Consider Retaining the Loan
Tax Benefits

Home loan offers tax deductions on interest and principal repayment.
These benefits can reduce your tax liability.
Opportunity Cost

Using Rs 13,50,000 for repayment might affect potential investment growth.
Well-invested funds can earn returns higher than the loan interest rate.
Liquidity Concerns

Retaining Rs 13,00,000 ensures funds for emergencies or opportunities.
Avoid locking all liquidity in debt repayment.
Recommendations
1. Partial Loan Prepayment
Use Rs 6,50,000 for partial prepayment.
Retain Rs 6,50,000 as emergency funds.
2. Continue SIP Investments
Your SIPs provide wealth growth over the long term.
Ensure these investments align with your financial goals.
3. Assess Loan Tax Benefits
Evaluate your annual tax savings from the home loan.
Maintain the loan if the benefits outweigh interest costs.
4. Revisit Your Financial Goals
Align loan repayment and investments with long-term plans.
Include retirement planning and children's future expenses.
5. Monitor Emergency Fund Requirements
Ensure 6–12 months of expenses are readily available.
This helps handle unforeseen circumstances without liquidating investments.
Impact of Prepayment on Investments
SIPs are crucial for wealth creation.

Avoid diverting SIP funds for loan repayment.

Use liquid funds like savings or FDs for prepayment instead.

Mutual funds can provide better long-term returns than the interest rate saved by prepaying the loan.

Tax Implications
Consider how prepayment affects your tax savings.
Losing tax benefits may increase your net tax liability.
Final Insights
Your disciplined approach to finance is noteworthy. Closing a part of the loan is a balanced strategy. Retain some liquidity and continue your investments.

Keep reviewing your financial goals to adapt your strategies. Periodic reviews with a Certified Financial Planner can help optimise decisions.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7040 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 10, 2024Hindi
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Money
I'm 46 years old working woman. My SIP portfolio is currently 1.20 crores and I invest 29k every month through SIPs. I am a very disciplined investor and have only withdrawn money from my portfolio for my son's college education. However, given the recent market volatility, I was wondering if I should withdraw a significant portion from my portfolio and start FDs which will yield less profits but are relatively safe. My savings and investment are going to be my retirement fund as I won't have any post retirement earnings / benefits from my job. I am expecting to continue working for another 2 years after which I will retire. I live in my own house which I co-own with my husband. I have no debt.
Ans: You have built a strong SIP portfolio worth Rs 1.20 crores. Your discipline in investing is impressive. This approach ensures long-term growth and financial security.

You invest Rs 29,000 monthly, which aligns with your future retirement needs.

Living in a debt-free, owned house adds stability to your financial situation.

Since you plan to retire in two years, preserving your retirement corpus is critical.

Concerns About Market Volatility
Market fluctuations can be unsettling, especially near retirement. However, long-term SIP investments often outgrow volatility.

Withdrawing your portfolio now may lock in losses during a downtrend.

Redeploying funds into FDs may not match your retirement income needs due to low returns.

Equity investments are key to beating inflation, ensuring your money retains its purchasing power over time.

Alternatives to Withdrawing Your Investments
1. Gradually Reduce Equity Exposure

Start reallocating a portion of your portfolio from equity to debt mutual funds.

Debt mutual funds offer lower risk and steady returns compared to equities.

This approach reduces market-related risks while maintaining better returns than FDs.

2. Maintain a Balanced Portfolio

Retain a mix of equity and debt funds in your portfolio.

Equity provides growth, while debt offers stability. A 60:40 equity-to-debt ratio may suit your situation.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to fine-tune the allocation based on your retirement goals.

3. Build an Emergency Fund

Set aside six months’ expenses in a liquid fund or bank savings account.

This ensures easy access to funds without disturbing your investments.

4. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)

After retiring, consider setting up an SWP in your mutual funds.

This provides regular income while keeping the bulk of your corpus invested.

SWP allows better tax efficiency than FD interest.

Drawbacks of Moving to Fixed Deposits
1. Low Returns

FD returns may not beat inflation over the long term.

This can erode the purchasing power of your retirement corpus.

2. Tax Inefficiency

FD interest is taxed as per your income slab, reducing effective returns.

Mutual funds, especially debt funds, offer better tax efficiency.

Advantages of Staying Invested in Mutual Funds
1. Compounding Benefits

Long-term mutual fund investments benefit from compounding, enhancing growth.
2. Diversification

Your SIPs already spread risk across asset classes and sectors.

Diversification mitigates the impact of volatility.

3. Flexibility

You can adjust your portfolio allocation without completely withdrawing.
Recommended Steps Before Retirement
1. Define Your Retirement Corpus Requirement

Estimate post-retirement expenses, considering inflation and healthcare costs.

Ensure your portfolio aligns with these needs.

2. Secure Adequate Health Insurance

Ensure you and your family have sufficient health insurance coverage.

This prevents medical emergencies from draining your retirement funds.

3. Gradual Rebalancing

Move a part of your equity investments into safer options like debt funds over the next two years.

This reduces exposure to market risks as retirement nears.

4. Avoid Panic Decisions

Market volatility is normal and often short-lived.

Avoid making emotional decisions that may harm your financial goals.

5. Seek Professional Guidance

Work with a Certified Financial Planner to review and optimise your retirement strategy.

A CFP will help you align your investments with your long-term goals.

Final Insights
Switching entirely to FDs may seem safe, but it can jeopardise your retirement goals. Instead, focus on rebalancing your portfolio to align with your changing risk profile. A combination of equity, debt, and liquid funds can ensure both growth and safety. Continue your disciplined approach, and your investments will provide the stability and income needed for a comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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