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Exhausted Daughter: Son-in-law's Weekly Visits & Marital Strain - How to Help?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My daughter is a working women & married about a year ago Son in law wants to visit his parents who reside in the same city every week..which is exhausting to her. When discussed with him, he fights with her..she appears to be depressed. Please advice how to proceed.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So, let them work on an arrangement where she can go along with them to visit her in-laws maybe once or twice a month instead of every weekend? She obviously cannot avoid them and neither can she ask her husband to not visit his parents. So, let him go visit them every weekend, but since she finds it exhausting, she can work out something and choose her number of visits to them.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

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Hi, my daughter got married in 2018. Her husband works in the US. Immediately after marriage she left with her husband to the US. My daughter is a single child and had a protected sort of life. At times immature and stubborn, she also has anger issues. She was not supposed to work, as my SIL wanted a housewife.There was compatibility issues between them from the beginning. He is from a very conservative family which we were not aware of before marriage. She got depressed there as the climate did not suit her and had no one to talk to. Most of her neighbours were working. SIL was busy with his work. They used to go out for drives or visit nearby places.We were not allowed to visit her. She finally came down to India homesick and in depression in 2020. Since then, he seems to be totally indifferent to her. She misses him terribly but he seems disinterested. He is only career driven and she has to message him always. He doesn't want to video chat or voice-call her. It’s nearly two years now. We tried talking to his parents but since they are financially dependent on him, they are not doing anything. What is to be done in this case? Please advise.
Ans:

Dear MM,

I am not against getting daughters married to people who live abroad, but at the same time, there’s only little that you know of them.

Just because the boy lives in the US, does not mean that he is broad minded and progressive.

Sadly, your daughter has fallen into a family that does not value feminine charm and power and wants to cull it before it can spread its magic around.

How do you explain something like this to her?

As a woman and mother, will you tell your daughter to grin it and bear it?

Someone who doesn’t have the decency to initiate a call to talk to his wife, sitting on a throne waiting for her to call? (I am going by the details provided by you as I don’t know his side of the story here).

It might be worth the effort to talk to your daughter and find out, if she has also put in the necessary work into growing into the marriage; as living far away from the family might have made her homesick and not working might have made her feel lonely.

This might have also caused her to isolate herself from the marriage which in turn would have caused cracks in it.

Hear both sides, and then come to a wise decision! Ultimately, she’s your daughter and I do know that you want what’s best for her.

So, think and act in a manner that’s best for her; unbiased to begin with.

Best wishes!

..Read more

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Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

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Mam, I am retired father in law and financial well off. My son got married five years back. It is arranged marriage through matrimony. My son and daughter in law are both post degree qualified and well placed and staying with us. We tried asking for some money from both of them for monthly family expenses after two years of marriage which daughter in law refused and said you want dowry in this form, she record conversations, threat us of stree mukti, of police complaint , object our daughter visiting our place, blames us etc. Very often, she fight with her husband as well. We are only in reactive mode every time and accommodate her. Nowadays, she has started demanding the money spent by her mother in marriage and frequently leave our house and stay with her mother. We are afraid that she does not fake complain and harrasss us. Does not have any respect to relation, relatives, isolated /self centric, high ego and make other irritate type of personality, thinks of herself, does not believe that there is world outside. Please advise.
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Since I only have your version of the story, I can only assume that you are going through a rough patch. But I do believe it takes two sides in any story. Why is it that your daughter-in-law wants to all of a sudden behave this way? Were things fine in the initial years of marriage?
Why the sudden demand of money from you when you say that she is well-placed? Surely something seems amiss here.
Anyway, it is worrisome when your own people behave in this way. You are also justified in feeling that she may make a false complaint. Where is your son's mind in this matter? I think he should also be worried about the way things are changing. Is he unable to or has he tried to talk to his wife? At this point, let no one else interfere and let him be the sole person to deal with her.
He knows the challenges at home and will know what to do. So kindly request your son to step in (if he hasn't already done that) and sort this out in the most amicable manner. This first step will then determine the future course of action.
Having said this, I do want the family to recall if there has been any instance that has triggered your daughter-in-law to act this way. That will give you an idea to proceed in the right direction.

Best wishes!

..Read more

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Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

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I am 64, retired living in own house together with wife, son and daughter -in law for last five years. Both, son and daughter are professionally qualified, well placed and earn good. The daughter - in law out of last five years stayed away for half the time for one reason or the other at her mother place. She is very egoistic and arrogant and fight with everyone in family for no great reason including, son and my married daughter whenever she comes to our place to meet us. She has an objection her coming to our place. She has ones threatened us of complaining to police and women organization, Stree Mukti Sanghatana. She makes mountain out of anthill every time so we have stopped talking to her. The couple is staying with us, we bear all family expenses and don't expect even a penny from both son and Daughter in - law as ,when ones money of Rs. 15 K was asked to, she refused and made an allegation that we want dowry in this form . Son help us with some monthly expenses every month. She is staying alone away from us for more than 6 months now. My son is also tired of her behavior. We even have approached her mother, she also keep hand on deaf ears as she also does not listen to her and one brother. Please advice, what do we do in the circumstances?
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Kindly convey to your son and daughter-in-law that they live in a separate house. (This is a suggestion but you know your family better; so act accordingly). This will not only give them the space but will also keep finances separate between you and your son. Sometimes a joint family system does not work for all families and this space of separation can help resolve differences or bring the emotions to a neutral place. Either case, at least you and your wife need not go through stress everyday.
Distance helps bring people together and too much of familiarity is only making it worse. Do try this and hope things settle soon.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

Listen
Relationship
I am 64, retired living in own house together with wife, son and daughter -in law for last five years. Both, son and daughter are professionally qualified, well placed and earn good. The daughter - in law out of last five years stayed away for half the time for one reason or the other at her mother place. She is very egoistic and arrogant and fight with everyone in family for no great reason including, son and my married daughter whenever she comes to our place to meet us. She has an objection her coming to our place. She has ones threatened us of complaining to police and women organization, Stree Mukti Sanghatana. She makes mountain out of anthill every time so we have stopped talking to her. The couple is staying with us, we bear all family expenses and don't expect even a penny from both son and Daughter in - law as ,when ones money of Rs. 15 K was asked to, she refused and made an allegation that we want dowry in this form . Son help us with some monthly expenses every month. She is staying alone away from us for more than 6 months now. My son is also tired of her behavior. We even have approached her mother, she also keep hand on deaf ears as she also does not listen to her and one brother. Please advice, what do we do in the circumstances?
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Kindly convey to your son and daughter-in-law that they live in a separate house. (This is a suggestion but you know your family better; so act accordingly). This will not only give them the space but will also keep finances separate between you and your son. Sometimes a joint family system does not work for all families and this space of separation can help resolve differences or bring the emotions to a neutral place. Either case, at least you and your wife need not go through stress everyday.
Distance helps bring people together and too much of familiarity is only making it worse. Do try this and hope things settle soon.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

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Dr Shyam

Dr Shyam Jamalabad  |84 Answers  |Ask -

Dentist - Answered on Dec 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 19, 2024Hindi
Health
Hi Doctor, I’ve been hearing a lot about mouthwash and floss lately, and I’m confused about whether I really need to use it. I brush regularly 2 times, but sometimes I feel like my breath isn’t as fresh as I’d like it to be. I also want to keep my teeth strong and prevent any issues with bacteria. Can you tell me if mouthwash is necessary even if I’m already brushing and flossing? If yes, which type of mouthwash would be best for someone like me? I’ve heard that it can sometimes cause mouth sores or sensitivity, so I want to make sure it’s safe for me.
Ans: Hello
I'm happy to know you brush and floss regularly. Please continue to do so.
While poor oral hygiene is the leading cause of bad breath, it is definitely not the only cause. Please be informed that it can be caused by various other factors, too.

Here are some of the most common causes of bad breath, also known as HALITOSIS.

Oral Health Issues
1. _Poor oral hygiene_: Infrequent brushing and flossing can lead to the buildup of bacteria, plaque, and tartar, causing bad breath.
2. _Gingivitis and gum disease_: Inflammation and infection of the gums can cause bad breath.
3. _Tooth decay and cavities_: Bacteria in the mouth can break down food particles, especially sugars, and release volatile sulfur compounds (VSCs) that cause bad breath.

Food and Drinks
1. _Onions and garlic_: These foods contain sulfur compounds that can be released in the mouth and cause bad breath.
2. _Coffee and tobacco_: These substances can dry out the mouth, leading to an increase in bacteria and VSCs.
3. _Spicy or acidic foods_: Foods like citrus fruits, tomatoes, and spicy dishes can irritate the mouth and cause bad breath.

Medical Conditions
1. _Diabetes_: Uncontrolled diabetes can lead to dry mouth, which can contribute to bad breath.
2. _Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD)_: Stomach acid can flow up into the mouth, causing bad breath.
3. _Sinus infections and respiratory issues_: Postnasal drip and respiratory infections can cause bad breath.
4. _Kidney disease and liver disease_: These conditions can cause a buildup of toxins in the body, leading to bad breath.

Lifestyle Factors
1. _Smoking and tobacco use_: Tobacco products can dry out the mouth and cause bad breath.
2. _Alcohol consumption_: Excessive alcohol consumption can lead to dry mouth and bad breath.
3. _Medications_: Certain medications, such as antidepressants, antihistamines, and decongestants, can cause dry mouth and bad breath.
4. _Hormonal changes_: Hormonal fluctuations during menstruation, pregnancy, or menopause can lead to bad breath.

Other Factors
1. _Dry mouth_: A lack of saliva can contribute to bad breath.
2. _Mouth breathing_: Breathing through the mouth instead of the nose can dry out the mouth and cause bad breath.
3. _Poor digestion_: Undigested food particles in the stomach can be released into the mouth, causing bad breath.


If you're concerned about bad breath, it's essential to consult your dentist so that he can examine your teeth and gums thoroughly to rule out local factors and address any underlying medical conditions.

Mouthwashes definitely help by keeping the oral bacteria under control. At least temporarily. They mask mouth odours and give you a feeling of freshness.
But the root cause of the problem still needs to be identified and suitably treated. Also, please note that mouthwashes are not a substitute for regular brushing and flossing.
Your dentist will guide you on what mouthwash suits you best depending on your lifestyle, oral hygiene and medical history.
Meanwhile, here are some good attributes to look for in a mouthwash:

Active Ingredients
1. _Antibacterial agents_: Chlorhexidine, triclosan, or essential oils (e.g., tea tree oil) to combat bacteria and plaque.
2. _Anti-inflammatory agents_: Ingredients like aloe vera or chamomile to reduce gum inflammation.
3. _Antifungal agents_: Ingredients like domiphen bromide to combat fungal infections.
4. _Fluoride_: To strengthen tooth enamel and prevent decay.

Additional Benefits
1. _Anti-plaque and anti-gingivitis properties_: To help prevent the buildup of plaque and reduce the risk of gingivitis.
2. _Bad breath prevention_: Ingredients like chlorine dioxide or zinc to help eliminate volatile sulfur compounds (VSCs) that cause bad breath.
3. _Sensitivity relief_: Ingredients like potassium nitrate or strontium chloride to help desensitize nerves and provide relief from tooth sensitivity.
4. _Whitening agents_: Mild abrasives or hydrogen peroxide to help remove surface stains and whiten teeth.

Safety and Comfort
1. _Alcohol-free_: To avoid drying out the mouth and reducing saliva production.
2. _Sugar-free and artificial sweetener-free_: To make the mouthwash suitable for people with dietary restrictions or preferences.
3. _pH balanced_: To ensure the mouthwash doesn't disrupt the natural pH balance of the mouth.
4. _Gentle and non-irritating_: To minimize the risk of mouth irritation, especially for people with sensitive teeth or gums.

...Read more

Dr Shyam

Dr Shyam Jamalabad  |84 Answers  |Ask -

Dentist - Answered on Dec 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 12, 2024Hindi
Listen
Health
Doctor, I’ve recently noticed that my gums bleed a little when I brush, and they feel a little tender, especially around the back. I did some quick research online, and it sounds like it could be gingivitis, but I’m not really sure. I’ve always been pretty regular with brushing, but I might not be doing it thoroughly, and I don’t always floss. I am 38 and was wondering, is it possible for me to treat or even cure gingivitis by myself at home? Should I just start using a specific mouthwash or change my brushing routine? Or is this something I should see a dentist about right away? I’m hoping it’s something simple I can handle without needing a visit to the dentist.
Ans: Mild gingivitis can be treated and managed at home with good oral hygiene practices and some natural remedies. However, if the condition persists or worsens, it's essential to consult a dentist for professional treatment.

Home Treatment and Prevention:

1. *Brushing and Flossing*: Brush your teeth at least twice a day and floss once a day to remove plaque and food particles.
2. *Saltwater Rinse*: Rinse your mouth with warm saltwater several times a day to reduce inflammation and kill bacteria.
3. *Antibacterial Mouthwash*: Use a commercial hydrogen peroxide/chlorhexidine gluconate mouthwash to kill bacteria and reduce inflammation.
4. *Dietary Changes*: Eat a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and avoid sugary and processed foods.
5. *Vitamin C* plays a significant role in gingival health. So make sure you have fresh citrus fruits (preferably unrefrigerated) on a regular basis. The other option is to take Vitamin C supplements.

When to Consult a Dentist:

1. *Persistent Gingivitis*: If your gingivitis persists despite good oral hygiene practices and home remedies.
2. *Severe Symptoms*: If you experience severe symptoms like bleeding gums, pain, or swelling.
3. *Gum Recession*: If you notice gum recession or exposed roots.
4. *Loose Teeth*: If your teeth become loose or mobile.


Remember, while home treatment and natural remedies can help manage mild gingivitis, regular dental check-ups and professional cleanings are essential to prevent and treat gum disease.

...Read more

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