My boyfriend gets angry over very small things. Last time, I didn't respond to his call for 15 minutes and he kept calling to check what happened. Earlier, I thought it was out of concern, but even if I meet my friends without telling him, he gets upset. We fight over little, trivial things, and he would later say he didn’t mean it. I am scared to speak my mind. I don't know what will make him angry. How do I know if this is a toxic relationship? We know each other for 3 years now

Ans:

Dear PS,

What are you worried about? That by spending time away from you or not involving you when he is in a social setting, he might forget you or move away from you?

After 10 years, why do you feel the need to cling on to him in insecurity and anxiety?

Time to give yourself some love and attention?

Become your best friend and pamper yourself with a lot of care instead of constantly expecting it from your relationship?

The more you become safe and secure with yourself, the less you will cling onto your partner.

Clinging on and ‘owning’ another person will only make them move away from you as no one likes to be controlled and dictated to.

Instead, why don’t you ask him about his day and who he met up with and genuinely try and integrate into his life?

In this way, he will want to engage more with you and invite you when he is with his friends and family?

When you watch him interact with others, instead of feeling insecure and jealous, can you think of appreciating what he has brought into your life and why the two of you have been together for 10 years?

Also, involve him into your life and life’s journey.

Playing the victim involves a lot of drama, but playing a liberated person involves no effort.

So love yourself and love your partner for who he is.

The change in your relationship and your state of mind will be almost magical.

Enjoy the moment and be happy!

Ans: I am scared to speak my mind. you said this. This will end up becoming a relationship you will not wish to be in.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you are scared to speak your mind out, then you are obviously in a relationship that is suffocating you...It can be toxic at few and many levels. Evaluate what this relationship is giving you that you are still in it; the moment you know that moving out might offer you your freedom and space to breathe, you may start to think differently about your boyfriend and the relationship.
Look to yourself for answers; as Gurus, we will not be able to make decisions for you.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand how exhausting it can be to be constantly doubted when you are not doing anything wrong. Well, your friends’ opinion, while a bit harsh, is not completely wrong. It is a toxic pattern and it needs to be checked if you want to have a healthy relationship. You need to have an open discussion about this with him; tell him how it makes you feel whenever he suspects you of some wrongdoing. Also ask him why does he feel this way so often when every time it is proven that you are loyal to the relationship and him. It is important to understand what is the root cause of this mistrust. This is the only way to move ahead with this relationship and not lose your sanity. If, even after the talk, he continues to exhibit the same behavioural pattern, I would recommend you rethink the relationship because it won’t be an easy life, where you have to constantly prove your innocence. Relationships aren’t based just on love; it needs mutual trust and respect to grow.

Hope this helps.