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Living Away Has Exposed My Doubtful Relationship: What Now?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Nilesh Question by Nilesh on Dec 21, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Anu I have been married for 17 years, and since around 2017, I have been living away from home for work. Recently, I have been reflecting on whether there is genuine love between my wife and me. When I tried to draw a conclusion, I realized that, yes, we do have true love. But then, why don’t our thoughts align? Why is there always a difference between the way I think and the way she thinks? And is this difference gradually eroding the respect in our relationship? You might say that since we are two different individuals, having differing opinions is natural. But how does one determine which opinion is right and which is wrong? How does one make that judgment? There have been several instances in our life where I hold my wife responsible for certain things, and in some matters, she holds me responsible. The root of this lies in the fact that I have faced the long-term consequences of certain actions in the past and continue to experience them, which influences my perspective. This is how I see it. At the same time, another thought crosses my mind: she’s my own person, so perhaps I should overlook minor shortcomings and make adjustments. But then, sometimes my heart accepts this reasoning, and at other times, it doesn’t. Why does this happen? I can’t figure it out, nor can I reach a definitive conclusion.

Ans: Dear Nilesh,
The Honeymoon period is long over; maybe you didn't get a chance to notice it.
Agreeing on everything and anything and literally being in alignment most times is a very romanticized version of what married couples are!
It is not uncommon to align but it's not necessary that a couple must align on thoughts and action. So, it's better to understand and accept it. If differences have begun to eat away the peace inside the marriage, that is when you need to step up and do something about it.
And who's to say who is right or wrong; it's only a matter of perspective and that comes from the way the person has lived and understood life's experiences.
If the core values match, let differences be...Respect those differences as that is what makes the other person who they are. If it starts to clash, sit down and have a mature chat about it to bring it to a mid-point and then you can laugh about it together.
Marriage evolves over a period of time and to move with it is maturity; how can you expect things to be the same or the way you think it should be? That is not how relationships and marriage work; acceptance of this fact that marriage evolves and that differences will come about even more seems to be wise in your case.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2022

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Hi Anu, how are you? I don’t have a good married life. My wife and I always think differently. She hates me and living with me. We don't have a good intimate relationship. A few years back, she wanted divorce me but stopped due to children and family pressure. She also tried to stay with another person in the past. She is not satisfied with me. We’ve completed 13 years and, since the last seven years, life is bad with her. She is staying with me and the children but not with a happy mind. She is a good devotee but she is not happy. She thinks I spoiled her life. Need your kind advice. S
Ans:

Dear S,

She is a good devotee? I can’t quite understand this statement. And she hates you? How?

If what you have mentioned are facts, then isn’t it time for the two of you to evaluate if it’s worth living together?

If you are continuing with the marriage for the sake of the children, then do understand that there are certain ways in which you should behave so that the children do not absorb the stress that the two of you are facing.

If you keep arguing or fighting in front of them, it will affect them emotionally.

It is time that the two of you have a conversation as mature adults and sort this out quickly before it consumes the children. Else, make the sane decision of going your separate ways.

If you can’t do this by yourselves, seek professional help as soon as possible.

Do remember, it takes two people to make a marriage work, so look within yourself as well to see what you can change to smooth things over and work on that.

All the best and a Happy 2022.

 

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 15, 2021

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Relationship
I am in a relationship for 9 years including 4 years of marriage. Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters. Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us. We have stopped talking and don’t get a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future. During this pandemic second wave, we came to our native place and after spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back. We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk. Now I have stopped talking to her. I am a bit worried as I feel like I am left alone. Despite so many efforts towards her and her family, she finds a reason to get pissed at me every time. I am not sure anymore what to do. I try to make her understand. We are in the same situation for 4 years. If I don't, she won't be taking any initiative from her end.
Ans: Dear S, It does seem that you have concluded what’s going to happen before you have tried everything in the treasure chest?

Relationships can have a long life if we are willing to set aside our differences and keep egos at bay. Now read on and think deeper about these questions.

What went on between your wife and mother/sisters? Did you wife end up feeling hurt and lonely? Did she feel that you sided with your mother and sisters more than you did with her?

Constant arguments about things from the past honestly can lead to no good. It is important to know what exactly your wife feels at this very moment, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you.

When you say you have made many efforts towards her and her family, why do you think, she hasn’t come back home or why has she stopped talking to you?

You did mention that she finds a reason to get pissed, but is there something that she expects from you or a certain behaviour that might help her get to an even ground?

Will involving a senior family member to talk to someone senior family member (not your mother) on her side?

With their experiences and their calm minds, they maybe able to break the ice between both sides and get the two of you to talk.

Please find a neutral member on both sides who can arrange for this in a wise manner without bringing in egos or past battles inside.

Communication must be re-established and throwing your hands up in the air may not be very useful if you want your marriage to continue.

Yes, past need not be brought back into the present, but it is necessary to understand what is going on in her mind before concluding anything.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |502 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 18, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, Firstly thank for your time, Well I am looking for some guidance regarding my married life, I am 40 yrs old man, married for 9 yrs, with a 7 year old daughter, ours was a love marriage with some ups and downs initially, but with time both of our families became supportive of us and the relationship continued. But 3 years back I caught my wife red handed having an affair with someone who worked for me. This broke me totally, made me feel embarrassed and since then it has been really difficult for me, but what broke me even further was my wife blames me for she taking such decisions in her life, she also shared rumors about me among our common friends, in society where we live behind my back ( I discovered this when I discovered her messages). She keeps blaming me or my family for even the smallest argument that we might have had in our relationship in the past and keeps maintaining the distance with me. Once the affair was discovered I was really upset and we had a huge fight over it, and it had some impact on our daughter ( who was almost 5 then), realizing that it would affect our daughter's life we mutually decided to give the relationship another try for the sake of our daughter and also our families came together to support this decision, now the problem is things aren't the same anymore, I always get a feeling of no regret from my wife and I feel embarrassed about what had happened, this has totally changed me as a person, once a man with lot of hope in life have become a person with no major aspirations in life. My daughter too is very much connected to my wife, this breaks me even more as a man/father. I tried to speak with my wife about this and her only point being I should hear what she feels and I do not understand her feelings etc... I do not understand how to deal with this, can you guide me? I want to become a better version , an example for my daughter again...I feel demotivated. Thanks again.
Ans: i am sorry to hear about the difficult situation that you are facing in your marriage. I would advise you to prioritize your own well-being and seek out support from a mental health professional to help you work through the complex emotions that you are experiencing.

It's understandable that the discovery of your wife's affair had a profound impact on you and your relationship. However, it's important to understand that your wife's decision to cheat was not your fault, and it is not appropriate for her to blame you for her actions. It's also concerning that she has shared rumors about you with others, as this can be a sign of deeper issues within the relationship.

In terms of moving forward, it may be helpful to have an honest and open conversation with your wife about your concerns and feelings. This can be a difficult conversation to have, but it's important to communicate your needs and expectations in the relationship. It may also be helpful to seek out couples therapy or marriage counseling to work through these issues and develop strategies for rebuilding trust and intimacy in the relationship.

It's important to remember that you deserve to be in a healthy and respectful relationship, and that it's never too late to work towards improving your current situation. You have the strength and resilience to overcome these challenges, and with the right support and resources, you can become a better version of yourself and a positive example for your daughter.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 01, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu Its been 2 years since I got married and hv a 2 month old son. My wife is a qualified engineer and I am a consultant. My wife is showing hatred and anger towards my mom and dad. She thinks that they pampering me unnecessarily since me being a single child. Also we had a plan to settle down in abroad and started working towards that plan since marriage. Because of this we failed to understand ourselves both physically and mentally. My wife got admission masters degree in foreign university which she refused to go because we did not get physically intimate then. Also she tried pursuing the masters course from online thus quitting her job. So I started trying to go and settle in abroad meanwhile concentrating on intimacy as well. But in this process she understood that she loves her work more than anything else.Thus she rejoined her job again to another department with which she did not get the job satisfaction In the course of time, i got a job offer abroad to a different country other than the one we targeted. My wife is now blaming me that i was responsible for all the mess that happened inher life. She thinks that i cunningly used her to fullfill my abroad dreams. Also since ours was a arranged marriage , i could not develop any feelings for her as she is very average looking at the beginning and now since she is showing hatred towards me and my parents , unnecessary divorse thoughts are peeping up. Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I see a few gaps in what you have shared which simply means more information is needed from you.
- She refused to go abroad, then she suddenly loved her work more and then started working again and then traveled abroad for it?

You see the gap?
How is that since you both were not physically intimate, she had decided not to pursue her Masters abroad?
What made her suddenly love her work more?
Why does she blame you when as you say that she loves her job but she is not satisfied with it?
What makes her feel that you cunningly used her to move abroad?
Also, what is the reason that she thinks that you are being pampered by your parents?

Once you have answers to these, the problem will emerge more clearly, and that will help in finding a solution to it as well.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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What should I do after my bsc in medical
Ans: Hello Priyanka.
It is not clear whether either of you has completed your B.Sc. in Medical or not. But I am assuming that you are presently pursuing it. The scope of this branch is wide. Either you can pursue the job, or you can start your own business. However, I would like to suggest that if possible, you do a DMLT course to start an authentic lab. Working as a technician or technical assistant may not boost your career to a great extent, and the salary may also not increase proportionately. Hence, it is better to add a course with a B.Sc. that will help you start your business. With a small capital, you can even start a business selling surgical items, which could turn into a big business in just a few years. Best of luck for your upcoming future.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7606 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 22, 2025

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Where should I invest Rs. 50000 in Index mutual fund or in ETF?
Ans: When deciding between Index Mutual Funds, ETFs, and actively managed diversified equity funds, actively managed funds often stand out. Let’s analyse why active diversified equity funds are a better option for your Rs. 50,000 investment.

Understanding Index Funds and ETFs
Index Funds: These passively replicate an index like NIFTY 50 or SENSEX. They aim to match the market’s performance, not beat it.

ETFs (Exchange Traded Funds): Similar to index funds but trade like stocks on exchanges. They require a Demat account.

Disadvantages of Index Funds and ETFs
Limited Returns Potential
Index funds and ETFs only track the market.
They cannot outperform the benchmark, even when market conditions allow for superior performance.
No Protection in Market Downturns
Index funds replicate the index, so they fall equally during market downturns.
Active funds may reduce losses with better sector and stock allocation.
Lack of Professional Judgment
Index funds follow pre-set rules, ignoring company-specific fundamentals.
Actively managed funds use professional fund managers who adjust portfolios to maximise gains.
Hidden Costs in ETFs
ETFs may seem cost-effective but involve additional brokerage and Demat account charges.
Liquidity issues can lead to price variations between the market price and NAV.
Benefits of Active Diversified Equity Funds
Potential for Superior Returns
Experienced fund managers aim to outperform the benchmark.
They carefully select high-potential stocks across sectors and market caps.
Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not restricted to index stocks.
They pick companies with strong fundamentals, growth prospects, and attractive valuations.
Downside Protection
Fund managers can reduce exposure to risky sectors during market downturns.
This minimises losses compared to passive funds.
Tax Efficiency with Strategic Planning
Gains can be optimised with periodic review and rebalancing.
Active funds often deliver better after-tax returns over the long term.
Why Rs. 50,000 Fits Well in Active Diversified Equity Funds
A one-time investment of Rs. 50,000 deserves active management for maximised growth.
Over 5–10 years, active funds are better positioned to beat inflation and create wealth.
Suggested Allocation for Active Diversified Equity Funds
Large-Cap Equity Funds (30%-40%): Stability and consistent returns.
Flexi-Cap Equity Funds (40%-50%): Flexibility to invest across market caps.
Mid-Cap Equity Funds (20%-30%): Higher growth potential with moderate risk.
Key Considerations
Stay invested for at least 7–10 years for compounding benefits.
Review performance annually and rebalance if needed.
Avoid chasing short-term trends or reacting to market noise.
Final Insights
Index funds and ETFs are suitable for certain scenarios, but they lack active management benefits. By investing Rs. 50,000 in actively managed diversified equity funds, you can maximise returns, minimise risks, and benefit from professional expertise.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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