Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Living Away Has Exposed My Doubtful Relationship: What Now?

Anu Krishna |1406 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by Nilesh on Dec 21, 2024Hindi

Dear Anu I have been married for 17 years, and since around 2017, I have been living away from home for work. Recently, I have been reflecting on whether there is genuine love between my wife and me. When I tried to draw a conclusion, I realized that, yes, we do have true love. But then, why don’t our thoughts align? Why is there always a difference between the way I think and the way she thinks? And is this difference gradually eroding the respect in our relationship? You might say that since we are two different individuals, having differing opinions is natural. But how does one determine which opinion is right and which is wrong? How does one make that judgment? There have been several instances in our life where I hold my wife responsible for certain things, and in some matters, she holds me responsible. The root of this lies in the fact that I have faced the long-term consequences of certain actions in the past and continue to experience them, which influences my perspective. This is how I see it. At the same time, another thought crosses my mind: she’s my own person, so perhaps I should overlook minor shortcomings and make adjustments. But then, sometimes my heart accepts this reasoning, and at other times, it doesn’t. Why does this happen? I can’t figure it out, nor can I reach a definitive conclusion.

Ans: Dear Nilesh,
The Honeymoon period is long over; maybe you didn't get a chance to notice it.
Agreeing on everything and anything and literally being in alignment most times is a very romanticized version of what married couples are!
It is not uncommon to align but it's not necessary that a couple must align on thoughts and action. So, it's better to understand and accept it. If differences have begun to eat away the peace inside the marriage, that is when you need to step up and do something about it.
And who's to say who is right or wrong; it's only a matter of perspective and that comes from the way the person has lived and understood life's experiences.
If the core values match, let differences be...Respect those differences as that is what makes the other person who they are. If it starts to clash, sit down and have a mature chat about it to bring it to a mid-point and then you can laugh about it together.
Marriage evolves over a period of time and to move with it is maturity; how can you expect things to be the same or the way you think it should be? That is not how relationships and marriage work; acceptance of this fact that marriage evolves and that differences will come about even more seems to be wise in your case.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

RelationshipReply

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu Krishna |1406 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2022

Question by S - Jan 04, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, how are you? I don’t have a good married life. My wife and I always think differently. She hates me and living with me. We don't have a good intimate relationship. A few years back, she wanted divorce me but stopped due to children and family pressure. She also tried to stay with another person in the past. She is not satisfied with me. We’ve completed 13 years and, since the last seven years, life is bad with her. She is staying with me and the children but not with a happy mind. She is a good devotee but she is not happy. She thinks I spoiled her life. Need your kind advice. S

Ans:

Dear S,

She is a good devotee? I can’t quite understand this statement. And she hates you? How?

If what you have mentioned are facts, then isn’t it time for the two of you to evaluate if it’s worth living together?

If you are continuing with the marriage for the sake of the children, then do understand that there are certain ways in which you should behave so that the children do not absorb the stress that the two of you are facing.

If you keep arguing or fighting in front of them, it will affect them emotionally.

It is time that the two of you have a conversation as mature adults and sort this out quickly before it consumes the children. Else, make the sane decision of going your separate ways.

If you can’t do this by yourselves, seek professional help as soon as possible.

Do remember, it takes two people to make a marriage work, so look within yourself as well to see what you can change to smooth things over and work on that.

All the best and a Happy 2022.

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1406 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 15, 2021

Question by S - Jun 15, 2021Hindi

I am in a relationship for 9 years including 4 years of marriage. Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters. Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us. We have stopped talking and don’t get a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future. During this pandemic second wave, we came to our native place and after spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back. We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk. Now I have stopped talking to her. I am a bit worried as I feel like I am left alone. Despite so many efforts towards her and her family, she finds a reason to get pissed at me every time. I am not sure anymore what to do. I try to make her understand. We are in the same situation for 4 years. If I don't, she won't be taking any initiative from her end.

Ans: Dear S, It does seem that you have concluded what’s going to happen before you have tried everything in the treasure chest?

Relationships can have a long life if we are willing to set aside our differences and keep egos at bay. Now read on and think deeper about these questions.

What went on between your wife and mother/sisters? Did you wife end up feeling hurt and lonely? Did she feel that you sided with your mother and sisters more than you did with her?

Constant arguments about things from the past honestly can lead to no good. It is important to know what exactly your wife feels at this very moment, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you.

When you say you have made many efforts towards her and her family, why do you think, she hasn’t come back home or why has she stopped talking to you?

You did mention that she finds a reason to get pissed, but is there something that she expects from you or a certain behaviour that might help her get to an even ground?

Will involving a senior family member to talk to someone senior family member (not your mother) on her side?

With their experiences and their calm minds, they maybe able to break the ice between both sides and get the two of you to talk.

Please find a neutral member on both sides who can arrange for this in a wise manner without bringing in egos or past battles inside.

Communication must be re-established and throwing your hands up in the air may not be very useful if you want your marriage to continue.

Yes, past need not be brought back into the present, but it is necessary to understand what is going on in her mind before concluding anything.

Relationship