Hi Anu, 10+yrs of marriage with 9yr child. I am working and all financial burden is on me.
I shifted separately from in-laws' house due to financial constraints and expectations.
Though elder-in-law, my in-laws didn't try to stop our decision to move separately despite knowing that my hubby doesn't earn a single penny.
They expected and I had to share financial expenses with my marginal income 10 years ago.
After 5 years, we moved nearby and purchased our own house very little help from in-laws. I took loan and managed the rest with help from my family and friends.
In between a lot happened. My father-in-law expired and my mother-in-law is a cancer patient.
My mother-in-law started expecting from my hubby and me, probably because her younger son shifted with her family.
She didn't want to live with them due to differences with her wife.
She complained to my husband that we are not good enough to take care of her.
I already had a lot of burden from office so I told my husband to take care of our child as well for sometime.
He was quite depressed and frustrated with his inability to earn. Already lot of my hard-earned money has been put in his work n wasted.
Now, the real problem during these difficult times began when we started fighting. I had lot of office stress and after mother in law complained, she shifted with her other son. At times, I got frustrated with my child also due to the whole mess, financial burden.
I felt like all my hard earned money was wasted due to office stress and my hubby's irresponsible behaviour. He did not even take care of my child’s studies.
He started watching porn... I saw him twice and even warned him. My husband started cheating on me with our maid.
He did it when he was stressed because I was not able to give him time. I confronted him and since then it has been an emotional trauma. I am yet to accept it. 9 months have been passed.
We decided on certain things but I couldn’t accept it..
Due to our emotional bond, I gave him another chance... During that time he accepted and was ready to leave everything and wanted me to be happy.
He said he committed a big mistake but recently I found he called that b**ch later.
When I confronted him he said he’d advised not to come home in front of his family members.
I decided it would be best for him to move out and work from another place. My MIL was living with me but then I felt it too much at times.. now somewhat even my child has emotionally detached from him. It’s the same with him as we've been staying separately from 7 months. He visited 3 times during puja and other needs.
I feel emotionally detached and I can’t digest the family situation.
Sometimes I feel it's difficult to find the courage to avoid all and live alone.
What's the point in living in a marriage for sake of it without having any emotional, physical, financial dependency or security?
I am 39 and earn a decent salary at this moment. But I am not sure of my future as I work in a private firm.
I am worried about my child’s education, old age, financial insecurity and burden.
I haven’t been able to save much because of our financial liabilities and husband’s investments in businesses that never materialised.
Before this incident, my husband supported me in my career and also to bring up our child. But what happened is too much and unexpected.
Any suggestions?

Dear VT,

Physical abuse is an absolute NO and so is emotional abuse. I am glad that you have decided to end this misery for yourself and your daughter.

Please proceed with the FIR and also seek help on filing divorce if that is something that you have considered.

On the emotional part of it, it will take a toll on you and your health as you are unprepared at this moment. So start by:

1. Visualizing your life without him by your side

2. Working out granular details like finances and where you will live

3. Chalking out a plan of how your daughter will be cared for if you choose to start working

4. Listing down which close family member will be by your side (emotionally) always

As daunting as this may seem, it is possible to be in a space of strength which you already have experienced and move ahead to a better life.

And as you do this, do remember that you are important, so take care of your thoughts and feelings as well.

• Spend time in Nature observing and appreciating
• Surround yourself with people and friends who care and love you unconditionally
• Exercise and eat well
• Pamper yourself by caring for your physical appearances
• Do what you love every day at least for 30 minutes

Situations maybe tough to handle but building strength within at the right time is what is the need of the hour.
I wish you the best in life always.

Dear S,

Time this one out! Which means, drop a deadline by having a conversation with your husband as to when your family will finally have a chance to function independently from in-laws or any other external circumstances.

Dropping deadlines means, both of you will be under the pump to put down a plan as to what needs to be done to clear out the existing muck and how beautifully you will create a loving environment for your baby to grow.

Not taking care of the baby or you, is not an option for him; but I guess it has become a convenient arrangement for him as you live with your parents and he does not need to take care of the fights and expenses as well.

This could only mean he is escaping reality and finding peace in avoiding it. Put him in the face of reality and that goes for you as well.

Being too accommodative can also become a habit where you rely on the comfort of what it brings to you; in this case the comfort at your parents' home.

For the sake of the baby, work together as a team and create a beautiful relationship; which will help the baby grow healthy, physically and emotionally.

All the best!

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!

Dear KB,

Maybe someone from the family or his friends have commented on your condition and made him feel that he made the wrong choice.

Even if it’s that, when he knew and had no objection, what is a man’s word is that he keeps it no matter what!

Now that he has gone back on it, it’s natural for others to take advantage of it and mock you for what the society considers as ‘not beautiful’.

In a way, we are obsessed with some sort of standards for what’s beautiful and what’s not. Beauty standards, you might call it so!

He seems to be a different person with his family and without, it suggests that he may not have a very strong mind to back up the decision of marrying you in the first place possibly against the wishes of his family.

Abuse, at no point is justifiable and you need to take a strong stance and draw a boundary as this is going to continue.

Your family has made a wise suggestion and for the sake of the child, it might be worth the effort to sit down have that chat with your husband however hard that might be.

Do not compromise on the fact that this so-called beauty standards and labels within his family will continue. Be unapologetic about who you are and own your beauty your way.

This is non- negotiable and you need to state this clearly when you have that conversation with him. Period!

All the best!