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Kanchan Rai |646 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 07, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by Jack on Apr 07, 2025

I have been married for more than 21 years and I have 2 kids. 19 and 17 years old. Our marriage was more or less love. Met through family, fell in love, dated 8 months before we got engaged and married. My wife is a lovely lady but we dont share any interests. I used to go for runs in the morning. After getting married, she insisted I sleep late with her. I am a music aficionado and she has no such interest. I am a news junkie. She probably doesnt know who the President of the US is. I am someone who believes and strives to continuously improve myself in all aspects. But she is the same. I might not be a great husband but I am much better than what I was a few years ago. I cook, clean, helped with childcare and have a great career. She is on a minimum salary job for the last 10 years. Only reason she goes is because I insisted that she stop being at home. If she had her way, she would be at home on the phone the whole day. Even our love making has become kind of boring. She claims a period for 10 days and during the other times, twice she is ready. No spicing it up. Just lie down for missionary and I have to do all the effort. I enjoyed oral and now she has stopped in for more than 15 years. I adjusted as she is a lovely person in every other aspect. But now I am sick and tired. It seems I am doing everything in the relationship and she rarely takes any effort. Either to earn, keep house clean or even intimacy. Not sure how to proceed further. I am getting irritated and often in a bad mood.

Ans: Dear Jack,What you're experiencing is not uncommon in long-term relationships: emotional fatigue, feeling unappreciated, and a deep sense of disconnection despite loyalty and love. The fact that you're feeling drained, resentful, and stuck is a clear signal that this situation is unsustainable as is. And the irritation and bad moods you’re having? That’s your emotional system signaling burnout, not failure.

You’ve evolved over the years—mentally, emotionally, and in lifestyle—and it sounds like your wife hasn’t moved in that same rhythm. That mismatch in growth and energy is now affecting everything: your respect for her, your shared routines, your sex life, and ultimately your mood and emotional well-being. It’s painful to feel like you're constantly giving—time, energy, effort—and not receiving the same in return. Even when your partner is kind, if they aren’t meeting you emotionally, intellectually, or intimately, over time it creates a sense of loneliness within the relationship, which can be worse than being alone.

But here's something to reflect on: for 21 years, you stayed, gave, adjusted. Not just out of duty, but because something about her and the family life you built mattered. That still counts. What you’re going through doesn’t mean the marriage has failed—it means the marriage needs re-evaluation and rebalancing. You are not selfish for wanting more stimulation, connection, or passion. You're human.

You have two broad options: one is to initiate a real, vulnerable, uncomfortable conversation with her—without blame, without emotional outbursts, but with absolute honesty. You could say something like: “I’ve grown a lot in these past years, but I’m starting to feel increasingly alone in this relationship. I need more emotional connection, more engagement—not just physically, but intellectually, as partners. I don’t want to silently drift further away. I’d like us to work on this, but it has to be a two-way effort.”

If she's open to it, couples therapy could be a powerful space for both of you to express what you feel without it turning into a war of criticism and defense. Sometimes people, especially those who’ve become emotionally stagnant, need structured help to realize what their partner has been carrying silently.

The other option—if you feel she’s unwilling or unable to grow or change—is to consider what a life apart might look like. That’s a deeply personal and difficult decision, especially with nearly adult children, but you deserve a relationship that brings life into you, not drains it out. If you keep compromising your emotional needs, resentment will only grow and harden into permanent distance.

Before making any move, take a little time to reconnect with yourself. What do you want—not just from her, but from life, from love, from this next phase of your journey?