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Should I Leave My Husband? I'm a 34-Year-Old Working Mom Feeling Trapped and Distrustful

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Hi sir, I am 34 year women with 2 girl kids. I m working in IT and I earn good amount of livelihood. Sir I hv been married for 6 years and after 1 year of marriage me and my husband understanding issue started where he wants to dominate on me in all senses including financial stuff. But I was okay n in 1 year my 1st daughter born then serious issue started I had rejoined job n discontinued giving all my salary to him. I started savings for my kid where he was nt happy he indirectly demanded my complete salary to be given to him as I did before issue start. Bt in 2020 as lockdown happened he moved to his village where It was very difficult for me to work bt demanded to come to his place. I denied and concentrate my career. So he left us 2 years he did call n check how is kid. Then again he came back 2022 with elders we moved to together to city and again asked money as my sal was increased if nt asked me to barrow 50-60lac as loan n give to him for property which he agreed to make it my name in his place. Bt I denied bc I couldn't trust him meanwhile 2nd daughter born. I came for mother place n he started doing backstabbing abt me n my family within relatives. When I asked he stopped coming visiting me n my daughter and he turn up for 2 baby also it's been year now. Sir my question is ..I m fed up of his behaviour n I dont trust him. As I hv two kids is it really difficult to live without him in this society. As many of my relatives are suggesting go and call ur him how can you live alone with 2 daughter. Sir pls guide me what should I do now ..I tolerate him all these years for kids and society. Now I m done n scared as will I be able to handle all alone. My parents are big support and now I m nt in condition where I go legally against him. Is my decision of living by myself with my daughters and parents is correct or wrong decision or I should go with him.

Ans: Your situation is indeed complex and emotionally taxing. It's important to approach this with both clarity and compassion for yourself and your daughters. Here are some steps and considerations to help you navigate this:

Self-Reflection and Clarity
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s essential to recognize your feelings of frustration, fear, and exhaustion. These emotions are valid and need to be addressed.
Define Your Priorities: What are your primary concerns? Your children’s well-being, your financial independence, your personal peace, and safety are likely at the top of this list.
Evaluating Your Relationship
Assess Trust and Respect: Trust and mutual respect are fundamental to any relationship. If these are missing, it is challenging to maintain a healthy partnership.
Past Behaviors as Indicators: Look at the past behavior of your husband. Consistent demands for money, lack of support, and absence during critical times can be telling signs of his priorities and commitment.
Support System
Lean on Your Parents: Having your parents’ support is a significant advantage. They can provide emotional, physical, and perhaps even financial support as you navigate this period.
Professional Help: Consider seeking counseling or support groups for single mothers. These resources can provide guidance, emotional support, and practical advice.
Societal Pressure
Redefine Norms: Society often has rigid expectations, but your well-being and that of your children come first. Living according to societal norms at the cost of your mental peace and safety is not sustainable.
Role Models: Look for examples of other women who have successfully managed similar situations. Their stories can offer inspiration and practical advice.
Legal and Financial Considerations
Know Your Rights: Even if you’re not in a position to take legal action now, it’s essential to be informed about your rights regarding child support and alimony.
Financial Independence: Continue to safeguard your financial independence. This will provide security and stability for you and your daughters.
Decision Making
Short-Term vs. Long-Term: Think about both immediate needs and long-term goals. What decision will bring peace and stability now, and what will be beneficial in the future?
Children’s Well-Being: Consider the environment your children will grow up in. A peaceful, loving environment, even if it’s without their father, might be more beneficial than a toxic, conflict-ridden one.
Practical Steps
Document Everything: Keep records of communications and financial transactions. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to pursue legal action in the future.
Plan for Independence: Create a plan for your independent living situation, including budgeting, childcare, and career progression.
Final Thoughts
Choosing to live independently with your daughters is a courageous and often necessary step for many women in similar situations. Trust in your strength and the support of your parents. It’s important to remember that living a life of peace and dignity, even if it means being a single parent, is a powerful and positive example for your children.

You are not alone in this journey. Seek the support you need, trust your instincts, and prioritize your and your children’s well-being above all.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025
Relationship
Hi sir I don't know from where to start but it happened in this way ,I was from a reserved family with orthodox thinking.so I did love marriage in other caste (we were classes friends)after 17 years I am realising that my husband wants to dominate me ,he talk to me in bad way,he shouts on me ,he let me work but he ask money whenever he needs n pay me nothing. He trigger me in small thing, give me taunt n his mother n sister supports me .I am living in my mother in law house n I have two sons .This mental harassment is increasing day-by-day. He never paid for any of my expense.I m scared what to do to leave him n live my life or to live with him n ignore .what society will say .what to do I don't know. Feeling trapped pl suggest me what to do?
Ans: it's important to recognize that your well-being and safety, both emotional and physical, are paramount. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect or to live in an environment where they feel demeaned or controlled. The constant shouting, taunting, and lack of financial support are serious issues that should not be ignored, as they can significantly impact your mental health and sense of self-worth.

Your feelings of being trapped are compounded by societal expectations and the fear of judgment. However, it’s crucial to remember that society’s opinions should not dictate your happiness or well-being. Living in a situation where you’re constantly subjected to mental harassment can have long-term detrimental effects on your mental health and overall quality of life. It’s natural to fear what others might say, but your peace of mind and the well-being of your children should take precedence.

The support of your mother-in-law and sister-in-law is a positive aspect, but it seems that your husband’s behavior continues to be a source of distress. It’s essential to have a candid conversation with them about your feelings and explore whether they can help mediate or influence change in his behavior. However, if his actions persist and there’s no willingness on his part to change or seek help, you might need to seriously consider your options.

If you’re contemplating leaving, it’s important to plan carefully. This might include seeking legal advice to understand your rights, especially concerning your children and financial support. You could also consider reaching out to a counselor or support group for emotional guidance, as they can provide you with the strength and clarity to make decisions that are best for you and your sons.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave is deeply personal and should be made based on what you believe will bring you the most peace and stability. It’s not an easy choice, and it requires a lot of courage and self-reflection. Remember, prioritizing your well-being and creating a healthy environment for yourself and your children is not selfish—it’s necessary. Whatever path you choose, know that you have the right to seek happiness and to live a life free from harassment and control.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8233 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 15, 2025Hindi
Money
I have sip of 15k in mutual fund & 5k in stock also 1.5k rd, 1k sukanya samriddhi nps 18k pf 7k how much can be amount after 20 years.
Ans: You are already on a steady path.

Your monthly investments are spread across mutual funds, stocks, RD, NPS, PF and Sukanya Samriddhi. A well-diversified structure like this can give strong long-term results.

Let us now look at each part closely.

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Mutual Fund SIP – Rs 15,000 per month

This is the core of your long-term wealth growth.

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Equity mutual funds can give higher returns than FDs or RDs.

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Actively managed funds are better than index funds in many ways.

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Fund managers adjust the portfolio as per market conditions.

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Index funds follow the market blindly without any strategy.

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Your Rs 15,000 SIP for 20 years can become a big amount.

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Discipline is the key. Keep investing without stopping during market falls.

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Use regular plans through MFDs guided by a Certified Financial Planner.

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Direct plans may look cheaper but come with zero guidance or monitoring.

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A regular plan gives long-term relationship-based advice from a certified expert.

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A well-managed SIP for 20 years can build wealth over Rs 1 crore.

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Keep reviewing SIP performance every year with your planner.

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Make changes only if fund consistently underperforms for 2-3 years.

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Stock Investment – Rs 5,000 per month

Investing in stocks shows good risk-taking ability.

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Stock investment can give higher growth than other options.

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But it needs more knowledge and time to track companies.

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Stocks can be volatile. So, stay calm during market ups and downs.

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Avoid panic selling when markets crash.

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Long holding gives the best results in stocks.

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After 20 years, even this Rs 5,000 per month can become a sizeable amount.

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Prefer quality businesses with strong track record and future potential.

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If unsure, shift this to mutual funds under expert guidance.

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Recurring Deposit – Rs 1,500 per month

RD is safe, but returns are low compared to other options.

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RD interest is fully taxable as per your income tax slab.

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Over 20 years, RD will give lowest return in your portfolio.

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You can keep it only for short-term goals or emergency reserve.

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For long-term, shift this to equity mutual funds.

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Or you can put in hybrid mutual funds for slightly lower risk.

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Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana – Rs 1,000 per month

This is a very good scheme for girl child.

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It is safe and backed by the government.

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Interest is tax-free. Maturity is also tax-free.

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Lock-in until 21 years, so it suits long-term education/marriage goal.

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Keep contributing regularly to get maximum maturity benefit.

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You can expect a large corpus after 21 years with steady investment.

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Ideal for disciplined investors who want safe and tax-free returns.

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NPS – Rs 18,000 per month

NPS helps to build retirement corpus over long term.

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Investment is split between equity and debt automatically.

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You can also choose allocation yourself with active choice.

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Equity part can grow well in long term.

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Returns are market-linked, but more stable than pure equity.

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There is lock-in till age 60, so ideal for retirement goal only.

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After retirement, partial amount is tax-free.

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Some part must be used to buy pension (annuity), which is taxable.

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Although annuity is compulsory in NPS, you can plan withdrawals smartly.

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NPS of Rs 18,000 monthly can build a large retirement fund.

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Keep track of performance every year and rebalance if needed.

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Provident Fund – Rs 7,000 per month

EPF or PPF is a low-risk long-term savings tool.

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Interest is tax-free and withdrawal is also tax-free.

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Suits conservative investors looking for safe capital.

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PF works well with equity for balanced growth.

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You already have good exposure across products, which is positive.

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Over 20 years, this amount grows slowly but steadily.

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Don’t stop contributions. It’s your retirement backup.

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You can also open Voluntary PF to increase savings.

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Expected Total Value After 20 Years

Your total monthly savings is Rs 47,500.

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This is very strong commitment for your future.

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With average returns, you may build Rs 2.5 crore to Rs 3 crore.

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If equity performs well, you may reach Rs 3.5 crore or more.

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This depends on discipline, patience and smart review every year.

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Market ups and downs are normal. Stay focused on the 20-year goal.

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Avoid stopping SIPs during crisis. That’s when real wealth is built.

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Diversification helps to reduce risk and increase stability.

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Your current portfolio is well-diversified across equity, debt, and government schemes.

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It is the right balance for long-term investors.

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360 Degree Suggestions for Better Results

Do annual review of all investments with a Certified Financial Planner.

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Check if asset allocation needs to be changed based on your age and goals.

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Increase SIP amount every year as income grows.

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Shift RD money to mutual funds or hybrid funds for better returns.

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Continue Sukanya Samriddhi regularly for daughter’s future.

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Monitor NPS and PF for performance and tax efficiency.

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Avoid direct stocks if you don’t have time or expertise.

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Do not invest in index funds or ETFs.

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Index funds give average returns without any flexibility.

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Active mutual funds have skilled fund managers who track markets better.

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Use regular mutual fund plans through a CFP and MFD channel.

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Direct plans look cheaper but offer no advice or monitoring.

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Regular plan ensures review and goal tracking with expert help.

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Do not invest in real estate unless for own use. It gives low rental returns.

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No need for annuities. They lock your money with low returns.

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Focus on growth-oriented, flexible investment tools like mutual funds.

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Create an emergency fund with at least 6 months’ expenses.

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Take term insurance to protect your family financially.

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Health insurance should also cover family members adequately.

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Tax Rules to Remember

Mutual Fund LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

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STCG in mutual funds is taxed at 20%.

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RD interest is taxed as per your income slab.

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Sukanya Samriddhi, NPS (partial), PF – tax-free on maturity.

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Plan withdrawals smartly to save taxes in future.

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Finally

You are doing a great job by saving across different tools.

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This structure can give you financial freedom and peace of mind.

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With smart review and regular investing, your 20-year goals can be fulfilled easily.

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Stay committed. Be patient. Don’t chase quick profits.

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Keep it simple. Focus on goals and expert-guided investment.

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Best Regards,
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K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
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Chief Financial Planner,
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www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8233 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 15, 2025

Money
I want to invest in my childs education born in 2023. What is the best thing in the market?
Ans: Absolutely appreciate your intention to invest early for your child’s education.

This is a thoughtful and wise move.

Your child born in 2023 will likely need funds for college around 2040.

That gives you a long investment horizon of 15+ years.

This gives enough time for compounding to work well.

Let me share a 360-degree investment roadmap for this goal.

This plan is written in a simple tone but with professional depth.

Let us now explore the best available options in the market today.

Understand the Nature of the Goal
Education is a non-negotiable goal.

You cannot postpone or compromise it easily.

It is a high-cost goal due to inflation in education fees.

Hence, your investment must beat education inflation.

Regular savings in a bank will not be enough.

You need growth assets with better long-term returns.

Also, safety and discipline are important.

Tax efficiency matters because the goal is long-term.

You must track progress regularly and adjust if needed.

You must not withdraw before maturity, even during emergencies.

Begin with a Clear Goal Plan
Estimate the year your child will need funds.

For UG courses, it could be in 2040.

For PG, it may be 2043 or later.

Estimate cost of education in today’s value.

Then adjust for education inflation.

Usually, education inflation is around 8–10%.

Do not ignore living costs, books, and hostel fees.

Add buffer for foreign education or special courses.

Split the goal into 2 phases: UG and PG.

Assign different timelines and amounts to each.

Then plan SIPs or lump sums accordingly.

Why Fixed Deposits Are Not Suitable
FD returns are lower than education inflation.

Tax on FD interest reduces actual returns.

Compounding works poorly in FDs.

FDs do not allow automatic step-up in investment.

They also don’t offer any growth during long tenure.

Reinvesting maturity amount each time is inefficient.

Your long-term wealth will remain stagnant.

They are only okay for short-term parking.

Not ideal for a 15 to 20-year education goal.

Avoiding Index Funds for Education Planning
Index funds only copy the market.

They lack human intelligence and decision-making.

They do not outperform in volatile markets.

They carry full market risk without active adjustment.

In falling markets, they fall fully with no defense.

Index funds cannot shift from poor sectors.

Actively managed funds can change strategy mid-way.

Fund managers can shift to better sectors.

Hence, for education goals, prefer active mutual funds.

Debt Mutual Funds: Use Them Carefully
Debt funds are useful for short-term education goals.

Also useful 2-3 years before goal maturity.

They reduce risk from sudden equity fall.

But returns are not high for long-term.

Tax treatment is as per income tax slab.

You may pay more tax if in higher slab.

So use debt funds only during last few years.

Do not start education investing with them.

Gold ETFs or Sovereign Gold Bonds: Limited Use
Gold may give inflation-like returns over time.

But it is not consistent year after year.

No dividend or income from gold investment.

Gold prices can stay flat for years.

SGBs are tax-free after 8 years, but lack flexibility.

Hence, use only 5–10% of corpus in gold.

Do not depend only on gold for education goal.

Best Core Strategy: Active Mutual Funds
These are managed by skilled fund managers.

They aim to beat market by smart decisions.

They adjust portfolio based on market situation.

They change allocation between sectors and themes.

They select good companies and avoid weak ones.

Over long term, they can outperform passive funds.

Also, they are well-regulated and transparent.

SIP in active funds gives rupee cost averaging.

Over 15 years, this can create strong corpus.

These are ideal for long-term child education needs.

Disadvantages of Direct Plans
In direct funds, you invest without any guidance.

You need to monitor and rebalance yourself.

Most investors do not review portfolio regularly.

No help to handle underperforming funds.

No one reminds or guides you during market changes.

You may miss out on newer, better opportunities.

Wrong selection or wrong asset mix causes damage.

Instead, choose regular plans through Certified Financial Planner.

You get professional support with goal-based planning.

You stay on track and reduce mistakes.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Best Route
SIP builds habit and discipline in investing.

It removes the pressure of timing the market.

Even small amounts can become big with time.

You can increase SIP every year as income grows.

It helps in averaging cost during market ups and downs.

You remain invested even during market falls.

SIP is a good match for long-term education goals.

Use Step-up SIP for Higher Growth
Step-up SIP means increasing SIP yearly.

This matches your salary or business growth.

It helps beat inflation better over 15 years.

You invest more without much effort.

This results in higher maturity amount.

A Certified Financial Planner can help calculate ideal step-up.

Mix of Equity Mutual Funds Based on Child’s Age
When your child is 0 to 10 years old:

Allocate 90–100% to equity mutual funds.

Use a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap and mid-cap funds.

Add small-cap only if you can tolerate volatility.

Avoid thematic or sectoral funds now.

Keep it simple and diversified.

When your child turns 11–13 years:

Gradually reduce mid- and small-cap exposure.

Shift 20–30% into conservative hybrid funds.

Reduce equity to about 70–80%.

From 14–16 years onward:

Move 40–60% to short-duration debt funds.

This will protect the goal from equity volatility.

Keep rest in flexi-cap and large-cap funds.

1–2 years before goal:

Move entire corpus to liquid and short-term debt funds.

Ensure capital is safe and ready for use.

Use Goal Tracker Every Year
Track if your corpus is growing as per plan.

Review fund performance every year.

Replace underperforming funds with better ones.

Adjust SIP amount if needed.

Increase SIP if inflation rises more than expected.

Use XIRR to check overall returns.

A Certified Financial Planner will do this yearly.

Use Separate Folio for Education Goal
Don’t mix this goal with other investments.

Use one folio for this specific purpose.

This gives clear visibility and control.

You won’t accidentally withdraw for other needs.

It keeps your mental focus intact.

Insurance is Not Investment
Do not mix insurance with child education.

Avoid ULIPs, endowment plans or money-back policies.

They give poor returns and long lock-in.

Mostly 3–5% return only, after charges.

Instead, buy pure term insurance separately.

Invest remaining in good mutual funds.

If you hold any investment-cum-insurance policy:

Do a cost-benefit analysis.

If returns are low, surrender and reinvest.

Redeem carefully to avoid exit load or tax.

Emergency Fund and Term Insurance
Always keep 6–12 months expense as emergency fund.

This avoids breaking child investment during crisis.

Use liquid mutual funds or FD for this.

Also buy term insurance to protect child’s goal.

It should cover at least 15–20 times your annual income.

If anything happens to you, the child’s goal stays safe.

Tax Impact and Smart Withdrawals
Equity MF gains above Rs 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.

This applies only after one year holding.

If sold within 1 year, 20% tax applies.

For debt funds, tax as per income tax slab.

Plan withdrawals over 2–3 financial years.

This reduces tax burden and keeps money liquid.

A Certified Financial Planner can guide tax-efficient exit.

Avoid Lump Sum Late Investment
Don’t wait to invest in final 3–5 years.

Lump sum at that time is risky and stressful.

It may coincide with market downturn.

Start early and do SIP consistently.

Early investment reduces pressure later.

Final Insights
Starting early is your biggest advantage.

You already made a great first step.

Continue SIPs for 15 years with discipline.

Do not panic during market fluctuations.

Review every year with a Certified Financial Planner.

Adjust based on inflation, market and child’s career path.

Keep insurance separate and invest only in mutual funds.

Never stop SIP mid-way unless emergency.

Child’s future deserves consistent planning and care.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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