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Anu Krishna966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

Asked on - Jun 08, 2022Hindi

Relationship
Hi Anu, 10+yrs of marriage with 9yr child. I am working and all financial burden is on me.
I shifted separately from in-laws' house due to financial constraints and expectations.
Though elder-in-law, my in-laws didn't try to stop our decision to move separately despite knowing that my hubby doesn't earn a single penny.
They expected and I had to share financial expenses with my marginal income 10 years ago.
After 5 years, we moved nearby and purchased our own house very little help from in-laws. I took loan and managed the rest with help from my family and friends.
In between a lot happened. My father-in-law expired and my mother-in-law is a cancer patient.
My mother-in-law started expecting from my hubby and me, probably because her younger son shifted with her family.
She didn't want to live with them due to differences with her wife.
She complained to my husband that we are not good enough to take care of her.
I already had a lot of burden from office so I told my husband to take care of our child as well for sometime.
He was quite depressed and frustrated with his inability to earn. Already lot of my hard-earned money has been put in his work n wasted.

Now, the real problem during these difficult times began when we started fighting. I had lot of office stress and after mother in law complained, she shifted with her other son. At times, I got frustrated with my child also due to the whole mess, financial burden.
I felt like all my hard earned money was wasted due to office stress and my hubby's irresponsible behaviour. He did not even take care of my child’s studies.
He started watching porn... I saw him twice and even warned him. My husband started cheating on me with our maid.
He did it when he was stressed because I was not able to give him time. I confronted him and since then it has been an emotional trauma. I am yet to accept it. 9 months have been passed.

We decided on certain things but I couldn’t accept it..
Due to our emotional bond, I gave him another chance... During that time he accepted and was ready to leave everything and wanted me to be happy.
He said he committed a big mistake but recently I found he called that b**ch later.
When I confronted him he said he’d advised not to come home in front of his family members.

I decided it would be best for him to move out and work from another place. My MIL was living with me but then I felt it too much at times.. now somewhat even my child has emotionally detached from him. It’s the same with him as we've been staying separately from 7 months. He visited 3 times during puja and other needs.
I feel emotionally detached and I can’t digest the family situation.

Sometimes I feel it's difficult to find the courage to avoid all and live alone.
What's the point in living in a marriage for sake of it without having any emotional, physical, financial dependency or security?

I am 39 and earn a decent salary at this moment. But I am not sure of my future as I work in a private firm.
I am worried about my child’s education, old age, financial insecurity and burden.
I haven’t been able to save much because of our financial liabilities and husband’s investments in businesses that never materialised.

Before this incident, my husband supported me in my career and also to bring up our child. But what happened is too much and unexpected.
Any suggestions?

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Anu

Anu Krishna966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

Asked on - Apr 13, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Hello, I had a very disturbed childhood. My marriage was also in troubled waters with fights happening twice in a week.
Then I came across a girl who was 17 years younger than me. I am a model from a reputed college and was earning much better.
That girl became die-hard fan. Once I scolded her in the middle of the road for her advanced steps toward me like touching etc.
I was very much attached to my kids. Then she became friendly with my 2-3 year old kids.
After 2 years of relationship we became physical. I used to send her Rs 3,000-4000/ month for her expenses in her engineering college.
She used to hug me, love me (acted like she did). When my father expired, I was low. She was there during all those dark times.
Then she got a job and broke up with me. She came back to me after a year. Instead of kicking her out, I got addicted to her and changed myself to keep her happy.
I even went to her native town to assist her during super cyclone risking my own life. I spent 3 days there as a refugee because cyclone had devastated the entire city. There was no food and water. She got me food 2 times a day from her home. After 3 days train services resumed.
I spent my best time with her and felt like a 17 year old boy in her company and I lived my life.
Seven years later she told me that she will not marry me. In between she insisted to get divorce.
I applied for a mutual divorce in family court.
Then I told her to break up. She refused saying she did not want to face that pain again.
She said if she found someone she will say upfront to me.
I agreed and wasted another 3 years with her. I was her CA/bodyguard/driver.
One day she told me she finalized someone and I went for sudden breakup.
We exchanged few e-mails till my ego got hurt.
It’s been 3 years now I have not replied to her mail.
She kept sending mails till March last year.
During this phase I had pain during breathing, high BP and no sleep for 4-5 days.
I consulted doctor and took medication for almost for 6 months.
I suffered from broken heart syndrome.
I am 45 years old now and have no interest in my life.
I am just doing my duty.
My ego does not permit to see her FB/TWITTER. It’s been two years since I saw her on social media.
It appears like everything is fine but I feel hollow from within.
I don’t want her back or her smile. Whenever someone talks about love, I smile from within on his stupidity and try to figure out what benefit the girl is getting from him.
My issue is hollowness and hopelessness.

Ans:

Dear SB,

Whatever you did in the past with the girl, simply gave you a sense of validation at that point in time. Isn’t it clear that she has moved on?

Simply be thankful to her for the way she stepped in when you were in need. What didn’t happen was not meant to happen!

No point being angry with her for moving on in her life. Try and be happy for her and focus on yourself now.

What do you love doing?

Who are your friends that you love spending time with?

When was the last time you took care of your physical health?

Do you know that spending time in Nature heals your broken heart as well?

All these questions, are for you to have a reality check on how much you have focused on the outside and no focus on yourself.

Answer these questions and start to look after yourself with a lot of self-love and care. You will heal and move ahead very meaningfully.

Be well and all the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 11, 2022

Asked on - Feb 11, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
 Dear Ma'am, I have been in a relationship since the last 4 years with a person 8 years older to me.
We're of different caste plus I'm still in my career building phase and I can't even think of taking it to the next level.
Also, since last few months the relationship has been a pain in my neck, it has been damaging my inner peace and equilibrium.
He leaves and then comes back, each time I'm firm that I won't resume it but I do love him more than anything else so we get back together.
In this entire process, I feel too exhausted now and the damage feels beyond repair. He's 31 already and his parents are forcing him for marriage now.
Considering the impracticable situations, I know he has already given up on us but continues to be around for the emotional comfort he gets from me.

He doesn't understand that it's damaging me, I can't run around in circles.
He thinks let's continue it till we can, but what after that? He'll suddenly tell me he's getting married and what then? What would I do with all the anger and dissent within? Everyone around me keeps telling me to leave him because of all these reasons. Also, I'm in my early 20s and I have an entire life in front of me, I want to build my career.

Also, I don't feel the need to see someone else just as a relapse or desperate situation, I'm a very conserved person that way. But I do need to break this toxic cycle and regain the control over my life. I want to grow and prosper, but this entire myriad of emotions drags me down..
Please tell me what to do? Thanking you in anticipation.

Ans:

Dear SB,

What are you? His emotional sponge?

One thing I want to appeal to you is: Self-respect is something that we are so ready to give up for just a little love and attention. And the way you treat yourself is how others will treat you.

You are in your early 20s and you have an entire life in front of you and you want to build your career.

With the current space that you are in, do you feel you are choosing wisely to fulfil what you want from life and for yourself?

Also, are there other ways in which you can bring this relationship together. Like sitting him down and talking; maybe an elder in the family can do this.

If nothing works, remember, your life, your choice, your terms…nothing and no one can mess with your peace of mind unless you give them the permission to do so.

You want to prosper, then think and act in a manner that will allow you to prosperity and think of losing all that is keeping from feeling this prosperity.

Step up, take charge of your life NOW. All the best.

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