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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
KBR Question by KBR on Mar 17, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

 Dear Anu, over a period of 6/7 years we became close friends.
She was there for me through ups and downs.. always there .. showing me the right way .. but I became very dependent on her emotionally…

Then one day we had a disagreement.. I felt she was losing perspective and said so .. and bam! She simply cut me off..
I told her.. if I have hurt her, asked for forgiveness and pleaded to let bygones be a few times. No avail.
She said 'I have always held your back.. no more!'

She just doesn't want to know me.. I feel so rudderless

Ans:

Dear KBR,

Can you respect what she has decided? You feel rudderless as you had placed all your emotional safety cords in her hands. Now that she has cut it, you feel all over the place.

Is it true that our emotional safety net is in another person’s hands?

If yes, then we are always going to feel disappointed. I guess she has made it amply clear to you that she does not want the connection to move ahead.

Time to let go as painful as it may feel now.

Channelise the pain into sports or hobbies and also make a big shift in the way you approach emotions.

Start to love yourself no matter what. Your emotions are yours and you deal with them. They are not toys to be given to others to play with.

Be secure with yourself even if it means taking time to create this new identity because once you feel strong from within emotionally, you will be unstoppable.

Take a breath, let go and move on…

All the best!

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Hi , I am Jose. I have a very complicated relationship issue. I loved a girl when I was about 18, she was from a financially better off family. This was a major reason that I hesitated to tell her about my love, instead remained a friend. She was better qualified too. I started working and wanted to be in a financially better situation before I confessed my love for her. In the meanwhile she got herself admitted in a college in the US, I decided to tell her, but was too late, she had already committed herself to her senior in college. We made a promise to each other that we will remain friends. We kept in touch through letters. Then I decided to get married as per the family wishes. Shortly she too got married to her boyfriend . We told our partners about each other. We continued to keep in touch thro email and phone calls once/twice in a year. We would meet once or twice every time she would visit from the US. We never had any physical relationship at the most it would be a peck on the cheek or just holding hands. We immersed ourselves in our personal / professional lives. We had 2 sons with our partners. Now the boys are in their 20's. In the meanwhile she found out her husband was having a relationship with some other woman, in the ensuing arguments it led to their divorce a couple of years back. Since 2021 I had 2 heart attacks, and survived. All these years I never had a happy life , we stayed together due to societal pressures and in the last 2 years we never had a physical relation too. She always had a hatred towards physical relationship. I hate forcing myself on her, so we have remained seperate in the last few years. After my 2nd attack, my friend helped me stop my smoking and somehow our chats on whatsapp or personal meets when she comes here have started becoming very mushy and with a lots of deeply loving words. I know I cannot divorce my wife as I would lose a lot of my immovable properties on which i depend for my rental income as I have actually gifted my wife a lot of my properties. Nowadays I am getting drawn towards my friend again and very strongly. Confused, and not knowing how to proceed. I am no longer working and depend on rentals for my earnings.
Ans: My dear friend,

It sounds like you're in a very complicated situation, and it's understandable that you feel confused and unsure about how to proceed. It's important to take some time to really think about what you want and what's best for you, as well as consider the impact of your actions on those around you.

First, it's important to acknowledge that your friend is currently in a vulnerable position after going through a divorce. While it's natural to feel drawn towards her, it's important to make sure that any actions you take are respectful and considerate of her feelings and needs.

At the same time, it's also important to consider your own needs and desires. You mentioned feeling unhappy in your current relationship and feeling drawn towards your friend again. It's important to really examine those feelings and think about what it is that you want in your life and your relationships.

However, it's also important to consider the potential consequences of your actions. You mentioned that you cannot divorce your wife without losing a significant amount of your income, and that you've already gifted her a lot of your properties. It's important to consider the financial and emotional impact that divorce could have on both you and your wife, as well as any children or other family members who may be affected.

One possible option could be to explore couples therapy or marriage counseling to see if there are ways to improve your current relationship and address the issues that have been causing unhappiness. It's also important to communicate openly and honestly with your friend about your feelings, but to do so in a way that is respectful and considerate of her feelings and needs as well.

Ultimately, the decision about how to proceed is up to you, but it's important to take the time to really think things through and consider all the potential consequences of your actions.

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Hi, I've been friends with a lovely girl for a while now. She's a posh Punjabi and I'm a lower middle class Bengali. Yet, we get along very well. Both of us have psychiatric issues and that has brought the two of us even closer. Once she expressed a desire to marry me. While I do want to proceed, I don't have the financial standing to do so. Besides, I thought she said so in a moment of emotional upheavel triggered by insecurity. A few days back, I felt insulted after a certain insensitive act of her's and I was pretty harsh to her that day. Ever since then she's gone silent. I believe she has gone into rehab like she once had before. It has left me wallowing in guilt. I never knew I meant so much to her. I keep tapping her mom regularly hoping that she'll call me when she's back. Please advise me on how I should deal with her if she does get in touch with me after coming back? How do I show her that I felt terribly bad after being rude to her? Should I go ahead and get more deeply involved with her if she's still willing? Lastly, how do I cope with losing her if she doesn't get in touch with me ever again? Sorry for going on and on. I hope you understand. Please help. Thank you ????
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a trying time. It is evident that you deeply care for your partner and are feeling a mix of emotions. Here are some suggestions from my end that you might want to consider-

• Take some time to reflect on your feelings. Take into consideration what you want from the relationship. As you have mentioned earlier, you two come from different backgrounds, make sure that does not pose an obstacle in the future if you happen to apologize and fix your relationship now.
• Coming to apologizing, if she gets in touch with you, be honest about your feelings. Apologize sincerely and use your words first to explain how sorry you feel for your rude behavior and later express that in actions too. Let her know that you did not mean to hurt her, but most importantly, you recognize your mistake and you are not trying to hide behind your apology.
• If she is still willing to build a relationship with you, you need to tread carefully, first taking into consideration your feelings.
• If she does not want to take things ahead, listen carefully to what she says and try to look at things from her perspective.
• It is important to acknowledge the possibility of her never reaching out. In that case, coping might be challenging but it is doable. Take it one day at a time and one step at a time, starting with self-care. Find your closest people and lean on them for support. There's no shame in needing extra help to get you through heartbreak. Engage in activities that make you happy and don't ever think that this is the end. It might feel so at the moment, but this too shall pass.

Best Wishes!

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Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 01, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2023Hindi
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Hi, myself is 31 years old guy and I was in relationship with the women (collegue of mine in previous company) who is married and had 1 son and she is 9 years elder then me. Basically I was going through a tough time as I had breakup in 2017 and started drinking and smoking which usually everybody does after a heartbreak. In year 2019 she got to know about my drinking habits and she starting giving her time to me so that I stop all this things. She used to behind me to stop all these things but gradually after a year or so we started developing feelings for each other. We used to talk to a lot like almost we used to share everything and in year 2020 we got into relation and we proposed each other. Everything was fine till 2021. In year 2021 I went for a group picnic where my Ex was also present and my biggest mistake was that I didn't shared this thing with her but she got to know this from one of our common collegue who was also part of the picnic & after that disaster started in our life. She started doubting me that I am still in relation with my Ex but I was not there & continuously I have to prove myself that I don't have any feelings for my ex & I love you only. I was ready to do anything for her even just to surprise her I travel to her city where she went on vacation to her parents house. But unfortunately that was the last time we were together the moment I came to my hometown things started getting worse as she again started doubting me and in anger I just burst on her and after that she stopped talking and bcz of which I went into a depression and due to which I was completely mess was not able to do anything in my life except drinking. Now it has been 2 years that we don't talk except only on some occasion she calls or msg. Still I am having the same feeling for her which I had 3 years back & I need her back in my life. Please suggest me what should I do in this scenario.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear you are facing such challenges in your life. Doubt and jealousy can ruin a relationship and your relationship is proof of that. While you might not have had bad intentions when you did not reveal your ex being present in the gathering with you, it is also understandable that your partner's trust suffered a crack which finally gave away completely. The thing to learn here is that open communication could have saved you all these sufferings. But that's all in the past. Right now you are separated from your partner and I assume she is not interested in getting back together. Your question should not be how to get her back, but rather how can I move on. Your job is not to convince her but to convince yourself that this is for the best. And it truly is; no relationship can survive in the shadows of doubt.

Focus on yourself. Spend time with your friends. Understand that you made a tiny mistake but you tried your best to convince your partner of your loyalty to her; it did not work out but you are not to blame. Some things just don't, and your relationship was one of those things. Forgive yourself if you feel guilty for not disclosing the situation to your partner. You know you were not a cheater and it's no longer your job to convince her of that. Give yourself ample time to grieve the loss and accept that it's lost. Don't keep looking for ways to get back together or you will never move on. It will hurt in the beginning but it will get better soon. Once you feel better, go out and meet people. I am not saying your ex-partner wasn't great but trust me, there are more people out there, who are amazing; they will help you not just heal but also grow.

It's time to let go.

Best Wishes!

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