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Ravi Mittal |505 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 03, 2023

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 03, 2023Hindi

Hi, I've been friends with a lovely girl for a while now. She's a posh Punjabi and I'm a lower middle class Bengali. Yet, we get along very well. Both of us have psychiatric issues and that has brought the two of us even closer. Once she expressed a desire to marry me. While I do want to proceed, I don't have the financial standing to do so. Besides, I thought she said so in a moment of emotional upheavel triggered by insecurity. A few days back, I felt insulted after a certain insensitive act of her's and I was pretty harsh to her that day. Ever since then she's gone silent. I believe she has gone into rehab like she once had before. It has left me wallowing in guilt. I never knew I meant so much to her. I keep tapping her mom regularly hoping that she'll call me when she's back. Please advise me on how I should deal with her if she does get in touch with me after coming back? How do I show her that I felt terribly bad after being rude to her? Should I go ahead and get more deeply involved with her if she's still willing? Lastly, how do I cope with losing her if she doesn't get in touch with me ever again? Sorry for going on and on. I hope you understand. Please help. Thank you ????

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a trying time. It is evident that you deeply care for your partner and are feeling a mix of emotions. Here are some suggestions from my end that you might want to consider-

• Take some time to reflect on your feelings. Take into consideration what you want from the relationship. As you have mentioned earlier, you two come from different backgrounds, make sure that does not pose an obstacle in the future if you happen to apologize and fix your relationship now.
• Coming to apologizing, if she gets in touch with you, be honest about your feelings. Apologize sincerely and use your words first to explain how sorry you feel for your rude behavior and later express that in actions too. Let her know that you did not mean to hurt her, but most importantly, you recognize your mistake and you are not trying to hide behind your apology.
• If she is still willing to build a relationship with you, you need to tread carefully, first taking into consideration your feelings.
• If she does not want to take things ahead, listen carefully to what she says and try to look at things from her perspective.
• It is important to acknowledge the possibility of her never reaching out. In that case, coping might be challenging but it is doable. Take it one day at a time and one step at a time, starting with self-care. Find your closest people and lean on them for support. There's no shame in needing extra help to get you through heartbreak. Engage in activities that make you happy and don't ever think that this is the end. It might feel so at the moment, but this too shall pass.

Best Wishes!

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Love Guru |204 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2022Hindi

Hi Love Guru. Please keep my identity as anonymous as possible. I have few issues going on in my mind and want your suggestions. First, to get out of block and unblock chain. I met a girl who is my brother’s friend in 2017. We started chatting on FB, then exchanged numbers. We had a rapport till six months. There was a unique attachment between us during that period. Not chatting with her for even one day would make me uneasy. In October 2017, her engagement was fixed. I was normal, knowing that there cannot be much between us except being in contact. One day, at the end of our talk, she said, Love you. I laughed, saying “What nonsense that you always call me with different weird names. Now, after your engagement is fixed, you are telling me this.” Then, she blocked me on WhatsApp and I really felt like I was in a cage. Then, after a few days, she unblocked me. She got engaged but, after a few months, her engagement broke. We then again got in good contact. After few months her marriage got fixed. Now she is married. After her marriage, our contact was very, very less as priorities changed. I proceeded with my studies and job and she carried on with her personal and professional life. Two months back, she called me and said I am bored and feeling irritated with life so I called you to freshen my mind. I was also happy talking to her. I am that kind of introvert person who opens up with few and she was among them. For one or two weeks, we used to talk 30 to 45 minutes daily. Suddenly, she blocked me on WhatsApp. I called her and she behaved like a stranger to me -- like who’s this, I don’t know you, who you are and she ended the call and blocked me. Till date, she has blocked me. I think there are many things she is hiding from me -- from why her first engagement broke to marring another guy who is not of her caste when she is from a conservative family Post her engagement, there were many times she blocked and unblocked me. She is running in my mind. I want to get rid of her. Please suggest how and what shall I talk to her so I get an end to this. Thank you for bearing to read all this. My second issue is I think I am addicted to pornography. Two to three years back, I used to watch a lot of porn and would prefer MILF porn, ie senior pornstars videos. I think, due to this, I don’t get much attracted to girls of my age. I respect them but I think, because of my addiction, I see females elder to me attractive rather than females of my age. Please help. Suggest how I shall get out of this as this also affects me academically, personally and professionally. Thank you, Anon

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t think you really have any serious problems in your life at all; it’s your perceptions that are all wrong.

Let me straighten this out for you, one issue at a time.

First off, you have one weird, unpredictable friend who once told you she loved you and then went and married someone else.

Not once have you stated that you are in love with her or have feelings for her. In fact, when she said she loved you, you brushed it off.

She contacts you when she’s bored and cuts you off when she’s not.

And now, it’s come to the point where you really need to be the one blocking her and not the other way around...

You want to get rid of her? Block her once and for all. And if she still manages to get in touch, tell her politely that you have had enough of this one-sided friendship and not to contact you again.

Second, about what you think is a porn ‘addiction’... An addiction is something that interferes with your normal life, career and relationships. It’s an obsession that consumes you every waking hour.

And, from what you’ve said, I don’t think you’re watching such volumes of pornography every day, are you?

Furthermore, unless you’re into grannies, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being attracted to women older than you... everyone has a type!

If after everything I’ve said you still fancy you have problems, I’d suggest visiting a therapist. But before spending that kind of money, think long and hard about what I’ve said and decide for yourself whether you think you need it.

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