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Anu Krishna |1057 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by SG on Apr 21, 2022Hindi

Hello dear, How you handle a relationship where both have love for each other but are not living happily?
We are married for 18 years now and have two grown up children.
My husband is very good. But he is not expressive. I feel he is very dry and unromantic from the beginning. There is no communication between us...Verbal or physical.
I have developed a sort of aversion to him and feel suffocated. I am not able to behave normally with him. I am always upset. Though he is very patient with me.
He is very good as a person and has no flaws, but he is always occupied with his work or mobile. I don't know how to handle myself.
Please advise how to make the relationship happier though I have no desire to make any efforts now as I feel it's all useless.
He doesn't see any problem. He feels this is very normal. The romantic relationship is not real, it's filmy. This is reality.
I feel we have a very formal relation. Just for society and children's sake I am stuck to him. I don't want to leave him but I also can't live with him. What to do?

Ans:

Dear SG,

This seems to be a classic case of two opposites in a relationship which is most often the truth. Sometimes it’s a little extreme like in your case.

But even relationships like these can be managed very beautifully.

You can start by

Listing down the commonalities between the two of you
Developing a new hobby together
Appreciating and celebrating your differences
Being in a space of gratitude for the silent care and love that he offers

Once he knows that you are making that effort without accusing him or making him feel inadequate, talk to him about what your feelings are how every once in a while, you can be pampered and cared for.

Show him rather than complain. Some men do find it rather difficult to express their love and being very demonstrative.

It’s just a different approach to what you want; when all else fails, you need to try something new to reach your outcome…that’s all….

Most importantly, keep playing in your mind, all the wonderful things that you have shared up until now.

What you choose to focus, grows in the mind…so, focus on what you have, guide him towards what you want and always be in gratitude.

I wish you the most beautiful journey ahead.

Relationship1Reply

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Anu Krishna |1057 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

Question by RJ - Jun 24, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.

Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1057 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2022

Question by NK - Oct 04, 2022Hindi

Hey Anu ji I hope you are doing well.I am a 27-year-old woman, not married but engaged. I am a doctor by profession and we met through our parents. He is a pediatrician. I’m just MBBS. He is 33 and was damn good. Since the last few months there has been a sudden change in his behaviour and we have been fighting since then. We knew each other since a year and moved in together last October. I left my government job so that I could pursue my specialisation. I couldn't score a good rank due to which I couldn’t get admission. My parents are not rich enough for me to apply in a private college. He always abuses my parents saying they are not rich enough. He compares everything and has started talking to another specialist, a single woman. I am handling all house chores -- from laundry to cleaning, even emptying dustbin and making his cup of tea. He doesn't do anything except sleep, eat and work which is not so hectic because he is at a senior position.Is it right that we are having sex 2-3 times per day from so many months? Whenever I want to talk about something he asks for sex. If I say 'I need your attention and love' he gets grumpy and says 'you are always complaining.'Since this is my first relationship, I am comprising a lot. He didn't even remember our first anniversary or the day we met. In fact he stops talking to me since a month. He doesn’t pick up my calls or sees my messages. I have to call a third person to convey my message to at least pick up a call.Please help. I’m too stressed and even thought of committing suicide because I love him. But he doesn't love me from the last 3-4 months. I never get answers to my questions. He is like ‘I don't want to talk.’ He has become so egoistic and is behaving like a male chauvinist. I have to prepare for my exam too. Because of all this stress I have started having panic attacks and anxiety. I love him a lot but I can't stay in this relationship more. I can't bear the brunt. Only one-sided efforts are there from my side. He stopped making any efforts to reconcile or talk. I am an old school person. I lost my virginity to him but now I regret. Who will marry me knowing that I’m not a virgin anymore? Plzz help me

Ans:

Dear NK,

When a partner does not validate your feelings and uses sex as a means to deflect from the problem, it’s a red flag, right?

So, what exactly do you get by being with him? Love cannot be a means to sell your very existence no matter who that is.

Call out such behaviour. Compromises do not form part of any relationship, contrary to what’s told to us.

Mutual understanding and gentle acceptance and most importantly loving compassion is what any relationship is all about.

When those efforts of yours are not being met with love and instead it has been ignored, what else are you going to do?

Not being able to respect a partner’s family and instead insulting them to feel better or prove a point, how do you think it is going to be in the future?

Do you see these red flags or are you simply choosing to close your eyes and pretend that everything is fine?

Do the right thing, for yourself and your being and welfare. Be strong like the way that you always have been.

My best wishes to you!

Relationship