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Anu

Anu Krishna  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 15, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am 57 years Old Male, married 28 years back & having two daughters, elder one is pursuing MD ( Final Year) & younger one started Medical Graduation from Govt College. Wife is in Govt Job. I am going through Mental Torture & harassment from my partner for NOT accepting unrealistic thing/ Practically Non viable which are out of Budgets & may put us in troublesome future for family, as we had to marry our daughters too. Having our own MIG flats & managing somehow. I keep on travelling being Sales Job Profile, but rest 60% ~65% days remains at home after office hours. My partner is so harsh on all of us that she will keep on Scolding for small small things & many times quote that I will not live with you all & will be independent. She don't have proper sense what is right/ wrong, good/bad etc. This attitude hurts to all of us. We tried many time to discuss, but she don't listen at all other's small opinion even & take granted to others for her immature/ even stupid decision, as such so arrogant/abusive all time. We tried to convince her that let us consult some Doctor ( Psychiatric ), but she behave so rudely. My side family members are totally ignored by her & she don't keep any talk with them. Her side are in quite regular meeting/ visiting for social gathering/ function etc., but NON of them wish to involve in sorting out our family problems & blames only me why you criticize her. I am going through many sleepless night as worried for my Kid future since I largely compromised in my carrier to stay with family & support, but Not able to make other understand my scarifies. Please advise how to proceed. Regards

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, rule out any medial reasons that can affect the body and mind and cause a person to be very different from who they usually they are.
Having said that,
Beyond a point when a person enjoys this kind of drama, my suggestion is: Let them live in that drama as it keeps them busy doing a lot. Also, others get involved either to express anger OR to prove their side of the story. Either case, the drama is full-blown which is obviously the only way your wife has understood to maintain relationships.
Now, simply ignoring is not going to solve the issue BUT over a period of time, it teaches her to start correcting her behavior and rely on grown-up conversations with others.
Do not yield to any rudeness...and as for her threat of living separately, it's just another drama...
Just do what you would when you raise a child who's being rude; you would correct that behavior of the child; wouldn't you? It's the same just that you act that her harshness does not bother you at all. Be patient and wait this out...

All the best!

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 13, 2022

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Dear Love Guru, Please keep me anonymous. I am a 45 years old married male. Ours was an arranged marriage. My spouse as well as my in-laws have cynical attitude towards life. They are always abusive towards everyone at their back even. Earlier, I used to take it lightly and also tried to make my wife understand that there are good people also in the world. I also used to think that she may not be having the same attitude at least towards me but I was wrong. I always did my best whenever she was in trouble or otherwise, be it in her social, professional or medical needs but instead of acknowledging she always found some ulterior motive of mine. She acts sweet whenever she wants anything or to get things done from me otherwise she becomes abusive. Moreover, since beginning she discusses everything over phone with her mother and acts as per her guidance. I don't think that anything whatever happens in between us be it good or bad or in our house is not known to her mother. Whenever we have any quarrel she immediately calls her mother and tells her only her side of the things and uses abusive words for me. I have even requested her that even if she feels like calling her mother to lighten up, she may do it, but at least in privacy so that I should not hear the words she uses. But, now after 14 years I am getting fed up and don't feel like being with her. I am continuing because of my daughter as separation may affect the child. We no longer share any emotional or physical intimacy. I am exhausted. Please advise.  Regards, Anonymous
Ans:

Sounds like you’re tired of the marriage.

I would suggest attending some marital counselling together before you decide to finalise a split, if only for the sake of your daughter.

I understand that the child’s situation is taking precedence over yours, and that’s good parenting, but how long will you carry on like this? It’s been so many years already.

Your wife speaking to her mother about everything is understandable, but within earshot so that you hear it too is not. She obviously has ulterior motives.

Visit a competent counsellor. I’m sure you’ll be able to make headway in this situation.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 27, 2022

Relationship
Hi AnuAt the outset, thank you very much for your time to listen to my situation.I am 50 years old, married to my lover (46 years now) and blessed with two daughters. My wife comes from an upper caste with a poor background. She was my subordinate and got married in 2001 after dating her for more than 18 months.Immediately after marriage, I lost my job due to my mismanagement of responsibility with no criminal action. I suffered for six months and relocated to overseas and lived there for the past 19 years.With my hard work and commitment, my financial situation has improved considerably now. However, my wife's attitude has consistently changed in line with my financial growth. She strongly believes that because of her luck and my daughter’s luck only I was able to earn that much and live comfortably. With my severe official commitments, I did not mind her attitude that much. After the lockdown, I got the opportunity to understand the change and realised that she has constantly ill-treated me over the past 10 years. Also, I lost my parents a few years ago and my father gave his self-earned property worth a few crores to my elder brother and left nothing to me. At the same time, my wife got her ancestor property worth a few lakhs. This incident psychologically weakened me as she consistently abuses me saying she got a few lakhs worth of property whereas I got nothing from my parents. Now, for the last two years, she is not allowing me to perform my parents’ annual death ceremony rituals. She consistently uses bad words against my (departed) parents and makes most negative comments for the donations I made so far and terms me as an Idiot and useless person. She also criticises me in front of my friends and relatives.Her harassment gone to the extent of pushing me to commit suicide and for the sake of my daughter’s welfare, I managed to come out of that mindset on my own. Now, I am determined to live…. at the same time unable to absorb my wife’s harassment. I tried to explain to her in many ways and even begged her many times to stop ill-treating me. Instead, she is asking me how I am able to tolerate despite her ill-treatment for the past few years….Our physical relationship got disconnected for the past five years as she lists out silly reasons for avoiding me. She is refusing to come along with me to meet a psychologist. Also, she disconnected her long-term friends and created a new circle of friends in order to erase her past and maintain a high social image.From your expertise, kindly advise me on how to handle this situation which will be of highest support for me as I am having sleepless nights for the past 2 years.Kindly do not publish my name and request you to keep it anonymous.
Ans:

Dear S,

It’s obvious that there is something that your wife is upset about or missing and you have been blindsided by it.

It could be lack of love, attention or simply family’s worth that she might feel from money situation.

It needs a discussion but from your letter/e-mail, it doesn’t seem like she is interested in it.

What I don’t have information here is in the 19 years that you were out of the country, was she also with you?

This is vital information as things might have gone South while you were away.

Even if she did accompany you, maybe the mismanagement of responsibility situation that you mentioned was something that had thrown her off gear and insecure.

This vital information is missing for me to guide you even more effectively, but I can surely help you navigate with what is.

Yes, it needs a counsellor or a marriage therapist.

Nothing justifies talking ill about family members but when the mind is awry and unsettled, it does not think rationally which is why she is possibly displacing some anger or lack of affection or lack of something that is manifesting itself in different ways.

Ask yourself:

  • Where am I if I continue in the marriage?
  • Where am I if I don’t continue in the marriage?

This reality check will act as a compass to the next steps of action.

As a coach, it’s always nice to see a relationship work but reality might say something else.

So, be true to your thoughts and feelings, set aside any feelings of spite towards your wife and see things for what they are and move forward.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 31, 2023

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Relationship
Madam, I'm 52 year old, with 20 years of married life. Have one daughter, 18 and one son, 15. I'm well earning government employee. My wife is also post-graduate. However, after marriage, she put half- hearted efforts to get govt job, but didn't succeed. She was never interested to live at different places for the sake of job and also wanted equal rank job. At that time, I didn't realize that she might be comparing with me. Any way, I was fine with any of her decisions. Later she told thatnshe wants to focus on children only. But, after 4-5 years, she started hating my all family members. While they are staying almost 1000 kms away, and except on few occasions, they never asked any help from me. Since last 10 years, she stopped talking to any of them. She doesn't allow my children to visit my native place and meet my family members, even during any marriages or function. My family members or friends aren't welcome at my home. Even after accepting all these nonsense behaviour, she never remains happy. She keeps passing sarcastic comments. She willn't dress nicely. Remains busy in watching movies/webseries on laptop. Many times, our arguments in the past turned to physical also. How long can I tolerate abuse for my family members? All such situations created toxic environment at home. Both of my children were sharp and intelligent, but now they are showing depressive symptoms. I'm not able to focus on my work and affected my personalty and performances. She wants no frills attached to me. In such case, she should have married to any orphan. She neither wants to meet any one for counselling. Now, I also snapped all relations with her family members. But looks, all the doors are also closed for me. I'm feeling suffocated. I neither leave her nor leave the world, as I love my children and my reputations. Kindly suggest the way out.
Ans: Dear Ramesh,
What it seems like to me from what you have shared is: a case of lost identity!
She has been struggling to find her acceptable place in her own eyes for herself.
In simple terms, she is not happy with the decisions that she has made in life and now chooses to complain about it by pushing people away.
Does this happen to others as well? Oh, YES!
When we have the desire to do something and then we suppress it with an excuse of taking care of the family etc, one fine day in the future, it comes back to haunt us.
In all likelihood, your wife might have done the same thing...I can only assume as from what you have shared, there is nothing else that seems to be the matter.

Now, because it has begun to affect the children, you have woken up but this has been going on with her for a while. Support her thoughts but not the behaviour that impacts everyone around. Give her an assurance that is she chooses to do something professionally, you will be there for her!

The key is not to give her solutions (that will bring down her self-esteem even lower) but to nudge her into thinking about doing something other than care for the family. Point her in a direction without being eager for her to take the bait. These things take time and the state of mind that she has now, if you push her, she will only resist. It's almost like teaching a child to walk or write for the first time. You don't walk for them but nudge them and wait for them to pick up at their own pace and praise them when they take those first baby steps. Get the drift, here? All this 'displeasure' with family members is only her way of complaining about her mind struggles.
Also, your children are old enough to support you through this journey as well. So seek their help on this.


Best wishes and it's nice to know that you still care and want to do something for her.
(more)
Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |97 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 01, 2023

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Hi Dr. Ashish, Good Afternoon, Iam 45 years old. I got married in 2010. My wife has ego and doesnt get adjusted to me and my family. I occured the experience after 2012 when my wife was 2 month pregnant. I was going to job, there was no peace of mind at all. From 2013 february we are not staying together. Her life is running as per her mother advice. We are having a communication very rarely. I had heard from her mother in law like impotent, not capable of doing anything. There are de-grading words always used and treated with no respect whenever i visited my wife house. My wife has communicated me verbally on January 2023, that she doesn't want the relationship to continue. She blocked me on whatsapp dated 03rd February 2023. I have one daughter aged 9 years. I am calling every week to get in touch with my daughter. The wife family not responding to the phones and my wife also. Request your sincere advice for permanent solution. Thanks & Regards, Deepak Shetty
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your marriage and with your wife's family. It sounds like a challenging situation, but I'll try my best to offer some general advice.

Seek professional help: Considering the complexities of your situation, it might be helpful to seek professional guidance. Marriage counselors or therapists can provide a neutral space for both you and your wife to express your concerns and work towards finding a resolution.

Legal advice: If your attempts at communication and reconciliation have not been successful, it may be advisable to consult with a lawyer to understand your legal rights and options. They can guide you through the process and help you navigate any legal implications, especially regarding your relationship with your daughter.

Open communication: While it may be challenging, try to maintain open lines of communication with your wife. Clearly express your desire to work on the relationship and be involved in your daughter's life. Choose a calm and respectful approach when communicating, even if the response is not favorable.

Mediation: Consider involving a mediator to facilitate communication between you and your wife. A neutral third party can help create a constructive environment for dialogue and negotiation, increasing the chances of finding a mutually acceptable solution.

Patience and understanding: Dealing with relationship issues takes time and effort. It's important to remain patient, understanding, and willing to work towards a resolution. Focus on the best interests of your daughter and strive for an amicable co-parenting relationship, even if the marital relationship cannot be mended.

Focus on personal well-being: Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally during this challenging time. Seek support from friends, family, or support groups. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you maintain a positive outlook.

Remember that every situation is unique, and the advice provided here may not fully address your specific circumstances. It's crucial to consult professionals who can provide personalized guidance based on a deeper understanding of your situation.
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Asked by Anonymous - Apr 25, 2024Hindi
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Hi, i have completed my masters in food technology and want to work as freelancers as a auditor in food industry could you guide how to go about doing.
Ans: Transitioning to freelance work as a food industry auditor can offer you flexibility and autonomy in your career. Evaluate your qualifications, experience, and skills in food technology, quality assurance, and auditing. Identify areas where you have expertise and experience that are valuable to potential clients in the food industry. Familiarize yourself with the requirements and standards for food auditing, including regulatory requirements, industry standards (such as ISO 22000, HACCP), and customer specifications. Understand the auditing process, documentation requirements, and audit protocols. Consider obtaining relevant certifications or training in food safety auditing, such as Certified Food Safety Auditor (CFSA), Lead Auditor Training, or other accredited programs. These credentials can enhance your credibility and qualifications as a freelancer. Network with professionals in the food industry, including food manufacturers, suppliers, distributors, and regulatory agencies. Attend industry conferences, seminars, and networking events to connect with potential clients and collaborators. Determine the specific services you will offer as a food industry auditor, such as food safety audits, quality management system audits, regulatory compliance assessments, or supplier audits. Identify your target market, including food manufacturers, processors, retailers, or food service providers. Develop a professional brand identity for your freelance auditing services, including a business name, logo, website, and marketing materials. Highlight your expertise, qualifications, and unique value proposition to attract potential clients. Determine your pricing structure based on factors such as the complexity of audits, scope of services, and industry standards. Establish clear policies regarding payment terms, project timelines, and confidentiality agreements to protect both your interests and those of your clients. Promote your freelance auditing services through online channels, social media platforms, industry forums, and professional associations. Create content related to food safety, quality assurance, and auditing best practices to showcase your expertise and attract potential clients. Cultivate relationships with potential clients by offering value-added services, such as training, consulting, or ongoing support. Build trust and credibility through transparent communication, professional conduct, and delivering high-quality audit reports and recommendations. Establish systems and processes for managing your freelance business, including client communication, project management, invoicing, and record-keeping. Prioritize time management and organization to balance your freelance work effectively. 

Keep learning, networking, and refining your approach to meet the needs of your clients and achieve your professional goals as a freelancer.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |959 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 29, 2024Hindi
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I retired earlier now at 53. Invested 7L in ELSS and using 60L on short term equity trading (with monthly average gain 2L) and having own apartment home worth 40L. Having dependent widowed mother, wife with 13 yrs old daughter. Intended to raise daughter as doctor. Please suggest better investment options.
Ans: Congratulations on your early retirement! It sounds like you've made some good initial decisions, but there's definitely room for improvement to secure your family's future, especially considering your dependents. Here's how you can optimize your investments:

Reduce Risk in Short-Term Equity Trading:

While a ?2 lakh monthly gain from short-term trading sounds impressive, it's a very risky strategy. The market can be volatile, and these gains may not be sustainable. Consider allocating a much smaller portion (maybe 10-20%) to short-term trading and focus on more stable options for the majority of your investable assets (?60 lakh currently in trading).
Focus on Long-Term Growth and Stability:

Increase Investment in ELSS: ?7 lakh is a good start, but for your daughter's education and your retirement needs, you'll likely need a much larger corpus. Consider increasing your SIP amount in ELSS or similar diversified equity mutual funds with a long-term horizon (10+ years).
Explore Debt Options for Regular Income:

You mentioned having a dependent mother and daughter's education to plan for. Consider investing a portion (maybe 20-30%) of your investable amount in safer debt options like Public Provident Fund (PPF), Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS) for your mother (if she's above 60), or fixed deposits to generate a regular income stream.
Plan for Daughter's Education:

Doctorate studies can be expensive. Start an SIP in a dedicated child education plan or invest in aggressive equity funds specifically for this goal. Talk to a Certfied Financial Planner for personalized recommendations based on the estimated cost of medical education.
Utilize Your Apartment:

While your apartment fulfills your housing needs, consider if it could generate additional income. Explore options like renting a room if feasible.
Seek Professional Guidance:

Given your multiple financial goals and risk tolerance, consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can be highly beneficial. They can create a personalized investment plan considering your risk appetite, time horizon, and financial goals.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |959 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 29, 2024Hindi
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Money
Dear Sir My age is 34 yrs. I have working alredy 10 yrs and my average total income till date 40L minimum. Still I did not save 1rs till now. Request you please advice how to start savings also make future retirement plan. My expected retirement age is 55yrs.
Ans: It's never too late to start saving for retirement, and kudos to you for taking this important step at 34! Here's how to get on track:

1. Assess your situation:

Track your expenses: For a month, track where your money goes. This will help identify areas to cut back and free up savings.
Emergency fund: Aim for 3-6 months of living expenses in an easily accessible savings account for emergencies.
2. Start saving:

Automated savings: Set up a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in a mutual fund. Start small, even with ?1,000 per month, and gradually increase as you get comfortable.
3. Retirement plan:

Employer benefits: Check if your employer offers a retirement plan like a Provident Fund (PF). Contribute the maximum allowed for tax benefits and long-term savings.
Individual options: Explore options like National Pension System (NPS) or Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS) for long-term growth. Talk to a Registered Investment Advisor (RIA) for personalized advice based on your risk tolerance and goals.
Here's a breakdown based on your income:

You mentioned an average annual income of ?40 lakhs. Aim to save at least 10-15% of your income, which translates to ?4,000-?6,000 per month.
Remember: Consistency is key! Starting early, even with a small amount, allows time for your savings to grow through the power of compounding. Don't be discouraged if you can't save a lot initially. Every little bit counts!
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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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