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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 31, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Ramesh Question by Ramesh on Mar 30, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Madam, I'm 52 year old, with 20 years of married life. Have one daughter, 18 and one son, 15. I'm well earning government employee. My wife is also post-graduate. However, after marriage, she put half- hearted efforts to get govt job, but didn't succeed. She was never interested to live at different places for the sake of job and also wanted equal rank job. At that time, I didn't realize that she might be comparing with me. Any way, I was fine with any of her decisions. Later she told thatnshe wants to focus on children only. But, after 4-5 years, she started hating my all family members. While they are staying almost 1000 kms away, and except on few occasions, they never asked any help from me. Since last 10 years, she stopped talking to any of them. She doesn't allow my children to visit my native place and meet my family members, even during any marriages or function. My family members or friends aren't welcome at my home. Even after accepting all these nonsense behaviour, she never remains happy. She keeps passing sarcastic comments. She willn't dress nicely. Remains busy in watching movies/webseries on laptop. Many times, our arguments in the past turned to physical also. How long can I tolerate abuse for my family members? All such situations created toxic environment at home. Both of my children were sharp and intelligent, but now they are showing depressive symptoms. I'm not able to focus on my work and affected my personalty and performances. She wants no frills attached to me. In such case, she should have married to any orphan. She neither wants to meet any one for counselling. Now, I also snapped all relations with her family members. But looks, all the doors are also closed for me. I'm feeling suffocated. I neither leave her nor leave the world, as I love my children and my reputations. Kindly suggest the way out.

Ans: Dear Ramesh,
What it seems like to me from what you have shared is: a case of lost identity!
She has been struggling to find her acceptable place in her own eyes for herself.
In simple terms, she is not happy with the decisions that she has made in life and now chooses to complain about it by pushing people away.
Does this happen to others as well? Oh, YES!
When we have the desire to do something and then we suppress it with an excuse of taking care of the family etc, one fine day in the future, it comes back to haunt us.
In all likelihood, your wife might have done the same thing...I can only assume as from what you have shared, there is nothing else that seems to be the matter.

Now, because it has begun to affect the children, you have woken up but this has been going on with her for a while. Support her thoughts but not the behaviour that impacts everyone around. Give her an assurance that is she chooses to do something professionally, you will be there for her!

The key is not to give her solutions (that will bring down her self-esteem even lower) but to nudge her into thinking about doing something other than care for the family. Point her in a direction without being eager for her to take the bait. These things take time and the state of mind that she has now, if you push her, she will only resist. It's almost like teaching a child to walk or write for the first time. You don't walk for them but nudge them and wait for them to pick up at their own pace and praise them when they take those first baby steps. Get the drift, here? All this 'displeasure' with family members is only her way of complaining about her mind struggles.
Also, your children are old enough to support you through this journey as well. So seek their help on this.


Best wishes and it's nice to know that you still care and want to do something for her.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |502 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 06, 2024

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Relationship
I have been married for 23 years and father of 3 children. My age gap with my wife is 11 yrs. I have been helping my in-laws for the last 13 years financially every month and also additional medical costs. I am a single breadwinner and i earn a good income but unable to save much as my wife dont have any economic sense. secondly, she is a highly depressed woman and always threatens me of suicide or shall leave home scaring my children who are around 16 yrs of age and disturbing their studies. even a small counter point she will take it seriously and shout at me for a very long and will make all sorts of threats. I am fed up with this type of relationship with her and I am helpless as my children have another 5 yrs to go to reach adulthood. She spends too much not on luxuries but unnecessary expenses and social costs like gifts to friends and relatives and spends a lot of time for temple or pooja activities with addtional expenses.
Ans: Dear KKR
It's evident that you're dealing with a significant amount of stress and emotional strain due to your wife's behavior and financial situation. It's important to establish clear boundaries in your relationship with your wife. Communicate your concerns about her behavior and the impact it's having on you and your children. Let her know that threatening suicide or leaving home is not a healthy or productive way to resolve conflicts, and express your willingness to support her in seeking help and finding healthier ways to cope Consider sitting down with your wife to have an open and honest conversation about your financial situation and the importance of budgeting and saving for the future. Explore ways to track expenses, prioritize needs over wants, and work together to set financial goals that align with your family's long-term objectives. Consider consulting with a legal or financial advisor to explore options for protecting your assets and securing your financial future, especially if you're concerned about your wife's spending habits and the impact it may have on your financial stability. It's important to remember that you're not alone in dealing with these challenges, and there are resources and support available to help you navigate this difficult time. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals for guidance and support, and prioritize your own well-being and the well-being of your children as you work towards finding solutions to your current situation.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1452 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 11, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am working in a central psu and my wife works for state govt and both are 48 yrs. We are married for 20 yrs and have 2 sons (20 &16). She is never expressive nor vocal, because of this our marital relationship have not seen even a single day of happiness. Her parents never ever made her realised that problem can be from her side too nor asked me even a single time whats is bothering me. She is over ambitious in her job and neglects everything in the personal life. This negligence started from the day 1 of the married life. She never try to understand the problem and reasons behind and just ignore and move ahead. This makes life miserable and likewise 20 yrs passed.. Its like when sons are moving out of home, I feel very much alone and sometimes feels to runaway from life...She dont show any emotions, giving the reasons that its her nature...She says loves me, but whats that love which is not felt by me for a single day...I wanted a wife not a nurse.. What to do....I lost my hope of life.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sure there is an issue that you are facing BUT to generalize it as: because of this our marital relationship have not seen even a single day of happiness.
Are you sure that has not been a single day or a single moment of feeling some joy? DO NOT indulge in this kind of belief as it only makes the issue look bigger than what it maybe.
If you feel alone, talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel. It's your marriage as well; do something to stay in it.
If there is a reason for her to be the way that she is, that needs to be addressed. Also, by complaining rather than facing the issue together, you are alienating yourself from the marriage. Give this a fair chance and deal with it in a mature way. Talking about it helps more than complaining; as she will bring her list of complaints and then it just gets into a loop.
- have an honest conversation
- make space for a back and forth conversation
If she refuses to talk, then possibly there is a need for a professional to intervene. She will also need to understand what hurts you and work on it, so that the marriage moves on smoothly. Marriage is a two-way dance.

All the best!

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Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7628 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 24, 2025

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Money
Hello, I want a monthly withdrawal of 2lakh through SWP. Give me the amounts and expect ROI for various instruments that I should use. Also what factor to consider as I would be able to invest those amount lets say after a year.
Ans: To achieve a sustainable monthly withdrawal of Rs. 2 lakh (Rs. 24 lakh annually), we need to identify the right mix of investments and expected returns. Let us create a detailed framework.

1. Factors to Consider Before Investing
Time Horizon: You plan to start investing after a year. This delay impacts your compounding benefit, but planning ahead mitigates it.

Expected Rate of Return (ROI): Different instruments offer varied returns. Diversification ensures both growth and stability.

Withdrawal Feasibility: Sustainable withdrawals depend on balancing withdrawals with corpus growth.

Inflation Impact: Investments must generate returns above inflation to preserve corpus value.

Risk Appetite: Choose instruments aligning with your comfort towards volatility.

Tax Efficiency: Optimise your withdrawals and investments for better post-tax returns.

2. Expected ROI for Investment Options
Here is the expected ROI and rationale for different asset classes:

Actively Managed Equity Mutual Funds

Allocation: 50% of the corpus
Expected ROI: 12% annually
Rationale: These funds provide high returns and help beat inflation over the long term.
Debt Mutual Funds

Allocation: 30% of the corpus
Expected ROI: 7% annually
Rationale: These offer stability with moderate returns and are suitable for regular withdrawals.
Fixed-Income Instruments (e.g., FDs, SGBs)

Allocation: 15% of the corpus
Expected ROI: 6-7.5% annually
Rationale: Secure returns with no market risk. Ideal for stability.
Liquid Mutual Funds

Allocation: 5% of the corpus
Expected ROI: 4-5% annually
Rationale: Quick access for emergencies or interim cash flow needs.
3. Corpus Required for Rs. 2 Lakh Monthly Withdrawal
Corpus Based on ROI
At 8% ROI: A corpus of Rs. 3 crore is required.
At 9% ROI: A corpus of Rs. 2.66 crore is required.
At 10% ROI: A corpus of Rs. 2.4 crore is required.
The corpus requirement reduces with higher returns but increases risk exposure.

Building the Corpus Over One Year
If the funds are idle for a year, invest them in liquid mutual funds temporarily. These yield 4-5% with low risk.
Use Systematic Transfer Plans (STPs) to gradually move funds into equity and debt over 12-18 months.
4. Investment Plan for SWP
Equity Mutual Funds (50% Allocation)
Allocate Rs. 1.5 crore to equity funds.
Delay SWP for at least three years to allow growth.
Equity funds ensure high long-term returns, reducing inflation's impact.
Debt Mutual Funds (30% Allocation)
Allocate Rs. 90 lakh to debt funds.
Start SWP immediately from this portion.
These funds provide stable returns and low volatility.
Fixed-Income Instruments (15% Allocation)
Allocate Rs. 45 lakh to secure instruments like FDs or Sovereign Gold Bonds.
Use these funds for stability and emergencies.
Liquid Mutual Funds (5% Allocation)
Allocate Rs. 15 lakh to liquid funds.
Use these funds for interim liquidity needs and to manage cash flow gaps.
5. Steps for Efficient Withdrawal
Start withdrawals from debt and liquid funds first. Let equity funds grow for 3-5 years.
Monitor returns annually to adjust the withdrawal rate or asset allocation.
Keep a buffer of 1-2 years' expenses in liquid funds for emergencies.
Review the tax efficiency of your withdrawals and rebalance your portfolio every year.
Final Insights
A well-diversified portfolio ensures stable withdrawals of Rs. 2 lakh monthly. Focus on equity for growth, debt for stability, and liquid funds for emergencies. Starting the plan early and monitoring it regularly will ensure financial independence.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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