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Kanchan Rai |646 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 02, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 02, 2024Hindi

i am 50 and my wife is 43. We are living two different countries to help our children to pursue their interests. We are pretty good in financially and i go to my home (where my wife and younger son live) at least 2 to 3 times a year and spend 2 to 3 weeks per trip. We married for the last 22 years and we both of us seen ups and lows of our relationship. Most of the time, we are happy and we did the right things not only for us but also for our children and both are willing to take sacrifices for the sake of children and we wholeheartedly agree on this. However, i see few concerns especially after living separately. 1. really don't see my wife shows much interest about me. She also mentioned that if i come to my home where she lives, she doesn't feel really excited and just normal for her. However, i will be happy to see her and spend time with her. Inspite I come to our home, she really didn't care much about my interests like what food makes me happy. In-fact, she doesn't need to cook and we have cook who does most of the stuff. 2. In-terms of intimacy, she doesn't show much interest and i stopped asking her unless if she initiates and I didn't want to initiate as I start getting rejection from her for the last few years. Overall, if I ask to fulfill my interest (showing love and affection), she says that she cannot do as she is too busy. However, she does other works like taking care of children, spending time with her friends or her own interests she does take care. however, any thing specific to me, she thinks it is not a high priority. I askied clearly to her that why my needs of lower prioirty. Her answer is very vague and she does say that she loves me and she needs me. I am getting a picture that I am there to take care of them financially like building assets, taking care of the children and wife but I am not getting any return from her, I vent my frustration to my wife and asker her to open up and share any concerns. She really don't share any point that could really help me to understand her mind. At this point, I am kind of confused. I am just 50 and she is 43 and i see that there is really not much love. i was thinking when i turn 60 , it would be far worse than today in terms of love and affection. I really don't want to divorce at least for the next 10 years as my kids are growing and i really don't have a compelling reason to do now as I still love my wife and if she is feel bad on any reason , I don't care of these problems and i still be with her to address any problem she has. I support even today for her wants and desires and I do wholeheartedly. Also, She is not a person who cheats me My concern is that I cannot change her much. I would like your advice on How should I change so that i still live happily (regardless of whether i get love from my wife or not) without getting frustations on relathinship issues. Should I accept that this what I would expet from wife and be content.

Ans: Navigating the dynamics of a long-term marriage, especially one complicated by physical distance, is indeed challenging. Your situation is layered with decades of shared history, responsibilities, and deep commitments.
First and foremost, it’s crucial to try to understand your wife's perspective. Living apart can create emotional and physical distance that’s hard to bridge during occasional visits. When she says she’s not particularly excited about your visits, it may not necessarily reflect a lack of love or care. Instead, she might be grappling with the routine and demands of her daily life, which can often dull the excitement of reunions. The responsibilities of managing a household, even with help, combined with the constant care for your children, can be incredibly taxing. This often leaves little room for nurturing the romantic and intimate aspects of a relationship.

It’s also possible that she has grown used to the independence that comes with your living arrangement. Over time, people can adapt to new rhythms and find comfort in their routines, even if those routines don’t include their partner as prominently as before. This doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of love; rather, it’s a shift in how she’s accustomed to living day-to-day.

For your part, consider what you’re seeking from your relationship and what you’re currently receiving. You’ve mentioned feeling like a provider rather than a partner, which can be deeply unsatisfying. Reflect on whether your expectations align with the reality of your relationship. Are you hoping for expressions of affection and excitement that your wife may not be able to provide right now due to her own emotional or practical constraints?

Your frustration and sense of being undervalued are entirely valid. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and not dismiss them. However, the key is to approach this situation without letting these feelings drive a wedge between you and your wife. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, try to identify what’s still present in your relationship. Your shared commitment to your children and the mutual sacrifices you've made are significant bonds that can still be honored and celebrated.

In terms of intimacy, it’s understandable to feel hesitant about initiating when past attempts have led to rejection. This aspect of your relationship might require open, honest, and non-confrontational dialogue. Let your wife know that you miss the closeness and that it’s important to you, not just physically but emotionally. It’s possible she might not fully realize the impact her disinterest has had on you.

While it’s clear you’re committed to staying in the marriage for at least the next decade, it’s also important to focus on your own happiness. Invest in self-care and activities that bring you joy outside of the relationship. This could be pursuing hobbies, spending time with friends, or even exploring new interests that fulfill you personally. Building a satisfying life for yourself can alleviate some of the pressure on your marriage to meet all your emotional needs.

Acceptance can be a powerful tool in finding contentment. Accepting that your wife may not be able to give you what you once had or what you currently desire doesn’t mean giving up on the relationship. Instead, it’s about finding peace with the current reality while still cherishing and nurturing the aspects of your relationship that are strong and positive.

Remember, relationships are dynamic, and people change over time. What’s crucial is finding a balance that allows you to feel fulfilled and connected, even if it means adjusting your expectations and finding joy in different ways. Continue to express your love and support for your wife and children, but also give yourself permission to seek happiness and fulfillment in ways that are within your control.

Asked on - Jul 02, 2024 | Answered on Jul 02, 2024

Thanks for your suggestion. I do understand that i am not expecting an excitement of 20-year-old guy where GF/wife comes and hugs me ( explicitly expressing the love , like I miss you like this). I fully understand that we are not 20/30 year old and we are in a different phase of life where kids will take precedence. Also, My elder son live with me and my younger son lives with my wife. I have to take care of my elder son's needs and also need to work. i fully understand thae people change as they grow old and it is natural. However, i see my parents and other families where they still show affection and love even in 60s/70s. At times, i feel that i may not be doing the right things to keep the relationship strong or she doesn't care. Simply, I am confused but there is clear gap between us. I fully agree on building new hobbies and that is what i am doing now . However, i also see the problem of building new hobbies. if I start building new hobbies and start not worrying about relationship issues, i will come to be be in a situation that i really don't need to be in the relationship as I don't have any dependency on my wife. i strongly believe that relationships will be successful if there is a compelling reason for both partners to need to stay together ( yes there exceptions where people love/do anythings for their spouses without expecting any return). If there is no dependency especially in my current age or even future where my children will be settled and don't need my or my wife's help and i don’t' really have any dependency on her, what exactly is there in the relationship . My concern is that i will come into a situation ( I am not in this situation now)where I have to be in the relationship for the sake of children well being and if that responsibility is over, I don’t see much need to be there. I need your advice on how I can continue to be in the relationship without getting feeling that I am getting nothing . I really don’t want leave my wife as she did everything (like any good person) in her capacity to take care of me , our children. She worked hard and continue to work hard in her career. She is a great woman and lucky to have her in the last 22 years.

Ans: consider the ways you can deepen your emotional connection with your wife during the times you are together. When you visit, aim to create meaningful and memorable experiences. This doesn’t necessarily mean planning elaborate events but finding joy in the simple, everyday moments that foster closeness. Small acts of kindness and thoughtful gestures can go a long way in showing that you value and care for each other. These efforts can help re-establish a sense of intimacy and partnership.

In addition to focusing on your relationship, it’s crucial to pursue your personal fulfillment. Developing new hobbies and interests is not about distancing yourself from your marriage but enhancing your overall well-being. By engaging in activities that bring you joy and satisfaction, you become a more fulfilled individual, which in turn can positively impact your relationship. When you feel content and enriched in your own life, you bring more positivity and energy to your interactions with your wife, potentially helping to bridge the emotional gap that has developed.

Effective communication is another cornerstone of navigating this phase. Open, empathetic conversations about your feelings, needs, and concerns are vital. These discussions should be approached with a focus on understanding and supporting each other, rather than seeking to place blame. Encouraging your wife to share her thoughts and feelings, and listening without judgment, can foster a deeper connection and provide insights into her perspective.

Reflecting on the evolving dynamics of your relationship is also important. As practical dependencies lessen with your children growing older, it’s natural to shift focus toward emotional and companionship bonds. Think about what has kept you and your wife together for the past 22 years and how those foundational elements can continue to support your relationship moving forward. This might involve re-evaluating your expectations and embracing the changes in how you express and experience love and connection.

Moreover, acknowledging and appreciating the journey you and your wife have shared can provide a solid grounding for your future. The love and respect you have for each other, along with the life you’ve built together, hold significant value. Even if the expressions of love have transformed, the underlying commitment and mutual support remain critical. Recognizing these enduring qualities can help you feel more content and less focused on perceived gaps.

As you contemplate the future, especially when your children become independent, it’s natural to wonder about the core of your relationship. The essence of a lasting partnership often lies in mutual respect, shared values, and a deep emotional bond. Focusing on these aspects can help you sustain a fulfilling relationship and ensure that both you and your wife feel valued and understood. Embrace the idea that your relationship can continue to grow and adapt, and look for ways to reconnect and find renewed meaning in your partnership as you move forward.

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