44-Year-Old Man Whose Wife Had Multiple Affairs Asks If He Can Save Their Marriage

Hi Anu, I am 44 years old married Man with a 16 year old son. We had a love marriage, and I met my wife in college. She was beautiful when she was 18 and beyond gorgeous at 44 and has a very loving nature. She has attracted attention from young and old all her life and I know she would continue to do so. I also had the looks and charisma to woo a girl once upon a time, but years of work and family stress had made me an average middle-aged man. Around a year after our marriage, my wife had her first affair with a coworker, which I could find out immediately as in those days we used to have a common phone. She apologized and I forgot about it and never tried to dig deep into it. I later learnt she had developed a liking for a second coworker within a year (After I dig into the things that have happened to me over last 4-5 years). I still do not know if she had a second affair at that point of time, but she was in touch with that guy through messages and video calls till 2020. Our child was born 3 years after our marriage and for few years we had a harmonious relationship although we had our ups and downs. It was early in my career and I had taken a challenging job profile, where I was required to work for 10-12 hours on regular basis. I was there for her when she required but I was not omnipresent. There were times, when I neglected her as I was busy with my career. In addition, I slowly got more attached to my son, who was growing up and taking all the attention at home. In our relationship only she was complaining all the time and I simply kept doing things to please her. I wanted her to be independent and explore the world but residing under a same roof and raising the family and also allow me to achieve my career goals and fulfill the responsibilities of a Son. In between all these, we started to drift apart. Drifting apart didn’t mean we didn’t have sex or we became a non-functional family. We did have regular good sex 7 to 10 days apart and we travelled a lot together all these years as a happy family. Even after her known past affair, I never doubted on her integrity when she used to talk with her male friends/Office colleagues with doors closed. I got the first shock in our relationship, when she declined to move with me when I was transferred to a new location. I pleaded her to come with me as the location was on another corner of the country and it would not be possible for me to come and meet them even once in a month. But she didn’t agree. But God had other plans and after 2 years of living alone COVID stuck. During this period of uncertainty, she reluctantly agreed to move in with me. After I brought them with me, she kept avoiding me. She slept in a separate room and did not allow any kind of physical intimacy. This continued for about 4 months and then it stuck my mind :- Is she having an affair? One night I scanned all her call records, her facebook etc and I was devasted by what I found. She was having an affair with a guy who 12 years her junior and multiple hook-ups with others. When confronted she assured me she will end this but me and my Son caught her multiple times over the last 4 years even after the guy got married and relocated to another country. The last discovery was ugly as we had just come back from a vacation and my son just happen to find some obscene pictures of his mom sent to her married boyfriend. Even after all these, I try to remain calm most of the time as I did not want to disturb the peace of my home as my son is in most critical phase of his carrier. Over last 4 years, I did my part to become a better husband:- by giving her more time to understand her better, tried to listen to her, fulfilling all her wishes, help her in household chores, set her up in a new job etc. As on today, I have access to her phone, her email etc. Sometimes I feel I have made progress, but when it comes to bed, it all comes to naught. She’s really not the women I fell in love with. Over the years she has become very manipulative and secretive. She showers me with fake love to keep the family life going. She is otherwise a very dedicated Mother and takes good care of the house. There is no real love, no passion. When I question her, she asks me to go find love somewhere else. I think she has checked herself out of this relationship mentally quite sometime ago. I wonder how long I can handle this rejection on day to day basis. I still want to save this marriage where there is true spouse love. Do I stand a chance. - Anonymous