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Worried Mom: How to Help My Daughter Cope with Bullying & Sibling Rivalry?

Aruna

Aruna Agarwal  |79 Answers  |Ask -

Child and Parenting Counsellor - Answered on May 24, 2024

Aruna Agarwal is a qualified child psychologist and behaviour therapist with over 20 years of experience.
She has a master’s degree in psychology with a specialisation in behaviour analysis. She focuses on children between the ages of 2-10 years who face challenges related to behaviour, language development or attention issues and providing them with the right life skills.
Agarwal is the owner of Kidzee, a pre-primary school, and Mount Litera Zee School that caters to primary students.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 06, 2024Hindi
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I am writing to express my concerns about my daughter, who is 10 years old. Over the past six months, she has been experiencing difficulties at school due to bullying from one of her classmates. This classmate has been isolating her from her other friends and has been making her feel uncomfortable. Consequently, her grades have started to decline, and she has been expressing a reluctance to attend school. My daughter has confided in me about this issue, and she is desperate to distance herself from this classmate. However, she is feeling scared and lacks the confidence to do so. Additionally, I have observed changes in her behavior at home. She has become more irritable, moody, and adamant. I believe this may be due to feelings of being neglected in comparison to her younger brother, who is three years old. While she loves her brother dearly, she sometimes feels that I give him more attention due to his age. As a parent, I am trying my best to support and reassure her, but I feel that I may not be providing enough help. I am seeking your guidance and assistance in addressing these issues and helping my daughter navigate through this challenging time.

Ans: Bullying in the school has to be taken seriously by the school and parents. I am glad that you are trying to provide her with strength to deal with this. Try to understand about the other child who is doing that,if possible take the help of teachers,peers and counselors in the school to counsel the child . Meanwhile try to help your child to develop self confidence and deal with this confidently. Make your child have strong self belief to have a better self esteem.
DISCLAIMER: The answer provided by rediffGURUS is for informational and general awareness purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical diagnosis or treatment.
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I need your expert advice in parenting my daughter. I am a 45 year old mother having two children, a daughter (aged 10 years) and a son (aged 7 years). My husband is very bad at finance issues and because of that we had some issues with my marriage. So I shifted to my mother's place with my kids and we were not in touch with my husband for quite some time. It’s been six years I have been bringing up my kids with very less support/ no support either from my husband or my mother. Since my husband is not staying with us, my kids have been missing their father. Of late, my husband visits us often and he spends time with the kids whenever possible. Though she is 10 years old, my daughter is not having that level of maturity. She is very illogical and dull. I have been training her in certain household work like sweeping the house, washing her clothes and all. She is doing all the work with no concentration/involvement/interest and so the output is pathetic. She is like that in her studies also. I have been explaining things in a very detailed way even then she is doing things like that. During my childhood no one was there to explain me but for my daughter I am there but she is not understanding the value of it. I am getting frustrated and irritated because of her. My question is since she was missing her father couple of years in the recent past, her behaviour is like this. Is there anything that I can do for her improvement? Shortly she might be starting her puberty cycle and before that I would like to make her logical and smart. I have been consistently trying for this by chatting with her alone but could not see any betterment. Kindly help me out.
Ans: Dear JR, when you say: She is very illogical and dull, what does this mean?

Does she take time to understand things? Or is it that she is being evaluated based on what others her age are doing?

At age 10, do you want a happy child or a child who excels in washing clothes and doing all your housework.

Sharing responsibilities at home is perfectly fine, but to judge your child based on that by saying: ‘output is pathetic’ only demoralizes the child further.

She possibly has missed her father all these years and what you need to do is fill it with more love, care and what is the point in driving the point that you didn’t have anyone and she has you and she has to understand the value of this.

She is 10, please allow her to be her age and feel free with each of you.

Create an environment that is loving and caring and supporting from both parents will enable her to relax, be cheerful, grow and be active. And this environment is not for any sort of evaluation or to see a favourable behaviour from her in return.

In a few years from now, she will be hitting puberty.

Let her walk into that phase with confidence and pride rather than self-doubt and shame. I am sure that as a mother you know how important that time is for a young girl.

Start thinking of how to be back together as a family as it isn’t easy for you as well to be away from your husband.

This could also be adding to your stress and maybe it comes out in different ways.

Be with your daughter, love her and encourage her and even after that, you see that there is a challenge, then maybe it’s time to visit a professional who can step in and help.

Happy parenting and be well and stress-free!

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My five-year-old daughter has just started school. For the first two days she was fine, but after that she started crying the whole time. Her teachers called us, asking us to take her home as she was crying relentlessly. We were even allowed to sit with her at school, but still she refused to go to class. Now, she even refuses to go to school. We push her inside the class but she comes out running moments later. Cries the whole time she is in school, whether we are there or not. We asked her if everything is fine, she only says 'I don't like school, don't like teachers and classmates'. Two of her friends, with whom she plays every evening, are also in the same class. But she refuses to even sit with them in the class. She misbehaves with teachers when forced to sit in the class. Though she apologises later when prompted. One day when we left her in school, we got a call within half an hour that she is showing very violent behaviour, hitting herself against the wall and running towards the school gate. All this made us very frightened as school buses keep coming and going on the main thoroughfare. The school counsellor failed to help. She said my daughter is not responding to counselling. We are absolutely clueless about what to do. Forcing her seems pointless.
Ans: The child seems to have Social Anxiety.However this can be determined by detailed Analysis.
You can start introducing the child to small groups rather than just stopping it. The best is introduce her to different set of people in a group and settings more often.Every behavior shown will have a function which we need to understand well before putting the intervention.

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Child counselling - psychological and career guidance Background:- My son is soon going to enter his teen age in couple of months. I’m a widow with no assistance from both sides of the family. My sons been in boarding all along however last year I brought him back, took a career backseat Working from home, dedicating all my time todays him. Off late bad company at school is influencing him and has resulted into major issues pertaining to behaviour and disrespect towards teachers, other parents and me. He doesn’t feel guilty or acknowledge the fact that he needs to stop being a bully and be the sane kind caring child he use to be. Tried someone free counselling it back fired. Education grades are dropping and he’s got no inclination towards academics. He’s interested in things that can’t earn him a career option. He was in Igcse board and has to move him to cbse so struggling with school, curriculum, new area new friends and isn’t understanding the impact of his actions. Very concerned for his future cause everything I earn was and is invested in his boarding and schooling and I’ve not saved enough for the future. What to do next? He’s been identified with Attention deficiency when he was 8yrs just before lockdown but we didn’t pursue any treatment. My frustration too comes out on him and gets the worst of me but that’s pushed him even further away from me. He’s interested are physical and not Education inclined my friends suggest remove him from these expensive schools( paying 3.5lac minimum every year) and put him in a local school and just save for my future. I can’t be so selfish. I had put him in best school and selected subjects like French so that if he goes abroad a foreign language can help and he anyways struggles to even pass in Hindi and local languages so selected a school too so that his board exams eventually he will have to write only English and French exams that can help him score. After sacrificing my time health career and money I feel in these 6 months everything is going downhill my anxiety and stress has gone out of control. His friends are being a terrible influence and it’s scary cause I’ve had some major complaints from teachers and other parents. What do I do? I can’t give up I have faith and only hope it’s just a phase I’m still loving caring and trying to talk with him and understand where can we mend things before it’s late and hoping for some guidance
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is a difficult phase that you are going through...
It will be worth pulling him out of the school for a while...it's not just to save money but also to focus on his therapy that he surely needs to get into. Also, during his therapy, you will know where his interest lie...Do remember, we are all unique...some of us take up professions that may not give us immediate money but it trickles in later or maybe it comes in the form of satisfaction rather than money.
You are attempting to secure his future and you are right as a single mom to do that because you want your son to be in a stable place which you did not experience. But his path in life is his to follow...any attempt to control it will cause the two of you a lot of emotional upheavals.
Kindly get him assessed again as you did mention Attention Deficiency...that will allow for appropriate corrective measures right away which will channelize his energies in the right direction. Otherwise both you and he will be on a roller coaster ride that never stops and this will lead to more stress and strain. Pause for a moment and put his health as a priority even if it means taking a break from school for a while. The sooner his emotions find a useful path, he will shine in what he is meant to...Take a deep breath...you are doing a great job!

All the best!

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7281 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2024

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I am 49 years old working in private sector. Currently, drawing Rs. 1.50 lakhs per month, my investment details. - Lumpsum investment – canara robeco midcap regular – Rs.2 lakhs, union multicap fund –Rs.1 lakh, mahindra Manulife small cap rs.2 lakh; canara robeco multi cap Rs.2.20 lakhs; mahindra Manulife business cycle fund – Rs. 50,000; white oak capital large & mid cap fund – Rs. 100,000; ICICI prudential energy opportunities fund – rs. 100,000 - SIP – HDFC Defence fund – Rs. 10,000; mahindra manulife manufacturing fund – Rs.10000; white oak special opportunities fund 10,000 - FD with HDFC bank – rs. 12,00,000 - LIC – Rs. 10 lakhs My future expenditure, daughters marriage in 3 to 4 years and to purchase house in chennai and to save money for retirement. Please give me advice on how to invest so that I can meet my future demands and have a self-sufficient retirement.
Ans: Assessment of Current Investments
Mutual Funds

Your portfolio has a good mix of midcap, multicap, small-cap, and sectoral funds.
Diversification across different fund categories is appreciable.
However, the allocation to thematic and sectoral funds like defence, manufacturing, and energy is high.
Sectoral funds can be volatile and risky, especially for near-term goals.
Fixed Deposit (FD)

Rs. 12 lakh in FD provides stability and liquidity.
FDs are suitable for short-term needs but offer limited growth potential.
LIC Policy

The LIC policy provides Rs. 10 lakh, likely covering insurance and investment.
Such policies usually yield lower returns than mutual funds.
Future Financial Goals
Daughter’s Marriage (3–4 years)

Allocate funds with a low-risk profile for this goal.
Avoid high exposure to equity for this purpose.
House Purchase in Chennai

Save in instruments that offer both safety and moderate returns.
Flexibility and liquidity are important for this goal.
Retirement Corpus

Focus on long-term equity investments for growth.
Diversify to balance returns and risk.
Proposed Investment Strategy
Short-Term Goals (Daughter’s Marriage and House Purchase)
Utilise Fixed Deposits Wisely

Allocate a portion of your FD for your daughter’s marriage.
Retain some FD for emergency purposes only.
Invest in Debt Mutual Funds

Choose high-quality short-duration or dynamic bond funds.
Debt funds can provide better post-tax returns than FDs.
Keep the money safe and accessible for short-term use.
Avoid Sectoral and Thematic Funds

Shift sectoral fund investments to safer debt-oriented funds.
Sectoral funds are not suitable for short-term goals.
Medium- to Long-Term Goal (Retirement Planning)
Increase SIP in Diversified Equity Funds

Diversify into flexicap, multicap, or large-cap funds.
These funds balance risk and growth for long-term wealth creation.
Reduce Thematic Fund Allocation

Limit exposure to thematic funds to less than 10% of the portfolio.
Reallocate to well-diversified equity funds.
Invest in Hybrid Funds

Include balanced advantage or hybrid equity funds.
These funds reduce volatility while offering equity-like returns.
Consider Equity-Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS)

Invest in ELSS for tax-saving benefits under Section 80C.
ELSS funds also offer long-term growth.
General Recommendations
Review Insurance Policy

Assess if the LIC policy offers adequate life coverage.
If it is a traditional endowment or ULIP, consider surrendering.
Reallocate proceeds to mutual funds for better returns.
Maintain Emergency Fund

Keep 6–12 months’ expenses in a savings account or liquid funds.
This ensures you have liquidity for unforeseen expenses.
Monitor and Rebalance Portfolio

Review your portfolio quarterly or semi-annually.
Rebalance to maintain alignment with your goals.
Focus on Tax Efficiency

Use tax-efficient instruments like ELSS, debt funds, and retirement-focused funds.
Plan withdrawals strategically to reduce tax impact on capital gains.
Retirement Planning Recommendations
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)

In the future, use SWP from mutual funds for retirement income.
It provides tax efficiency compared to traditional annuities.
Healthcare Planning

Ensure your health insurance coverage is adequate for post-retirement needs.
Increase coverage if necessary to avoid financial strain later.
Invest in Equity for Growth

Continue investing in equities for long-term wealth appreciation.
Equity helps combat inflation effectively over the years.
Final Insights
Your investment portfolio is commendable and diversified. However, some adjustments can improve alignment with your goals. Reduce sectoral exposure and shift towards safer instruments for short-term needs. For retirement, continue SIPs in diversified equity and hybrid funds. Regular monitoring and rebalancing will keep your financial plan on track. With these changes, you can achieve your goals while ensuring a comfortable and self-sufficient retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Can I utilise my money received by cancelling aggreement of one flat to repay the loan amount for the flat where I am residing?
Ans: Yes, you can use the money received from cancelling the agreement of one flat to repay the loan for the flat where you are residing. This can be a financially prudent decision, especially if the loan carries a high-interest rate. Here’s a detailed analysis to help you decide:

Benefits of Using the Money to Repay Your Loan
Interest Savings

Paying off your home loan early can save significant interest.
The earlier you repay, the more you save on interest due to the reducing balance method.
Debt-Free Living

Being debt-free reduces financial stress.
You free up cash flow that can be allocated to other financial goals.
Guaranteed Returns

Loan repayment offers guaranteed returns equivalent to the interest rate on your loan.
This is often better than the post-tax returns from other investments.
Enhanced Creditworthiness

Paying off a loan improves your credit score.
This is beneficial if you plan to borrow in the future for any purpose.
Factors to Consider Before Repaying the Loan
Prepayment Penalty

Check if your lender imposes a penalty for early repayment.
Most lenders, however, do not charge penalties on floating-rate loans.
Emergency Fund

Ensure you have an adequate emergency fund before using the money to repay the loan.
Ideally, keep 6-12 months of expenses in a savings account or liquid funds.
Opportunity Cost

Compare the potential returns from investing the money against the savings from loan repayment.
If your loan interest rate is lower than potential investment returns, consider investing instead.
Tax Benefits

Home loan interest payments qualify for tax benefits under Section 24(b) of the Income Tax Act.
Principal repayments are eligible under Section 80C.
If you repay the loan, you forgo these benefits, so weigh the impact on your tax planning.
Alternative Approaches
Partial Repayment

Consider making a partial repayment instead of fully paying off the loan.
This reduces the principal while keeping some funds liquid for other opportunities.
Invest for Higher Returns

If your loan interest rate is low, explore investing in mutual funds or other instruments.
Over time, these investments could potentially offer better post-tax returns.
Settle High-Cost Loans First

If you have any other high-interest loans, prioritise repaying those.
Examples include personal loans or credit card debts.
Final Insights
Repaying your home loan with the money from the cancelled flat agreement is a sound decision if your goal is to reduce debt and save on interest. However, consider your overall financial situation, including tax benefits, liquidity needs, and potential investment opportunities. A balanced approach—partly repaying the loan and investing the remaining amount—could offer the best of both worlds. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner can help you tailor the decision to your specific goals and circumstances.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ans: Starting a bookkeeping service powered by your own software is a great way to leverage your skills as a recently qualified chartered accountant. With the growing demand for streamlined accounting solutions, your idea has a lot of potentials. Here's how you can get started effectively:

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Provide flexible and scalable solutions:- Start structuring your services with flexible pricing models, such as tiered subscription plans based on business size and its features. With Offers add-ons such as tax filing assistance, compliance consulting, or financial planning to differentiate yourself from other competitors. A free trial or discounted onboarding package can attract new customers and build trust to convert the audience into customers.

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