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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 15, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
JR Question by JR on Jun 15, 2021Hindi
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Relationship

I need your expert advice in parenting my daughter.

I am a 45 year old mother having two children, a daughter (aged 10 years) and a son (aged 7 years).

My husband is very bad at finance issues and because of that we had some issues with my marriage. So

I shifted to my mother's place with my kids and we were not in touch with my husband for quite some time.

It’s been six years I have been bringing up my kids with very less support/ no support either from my husband or my mother.

Since my husband is not staying with us, my kids have been missing their father. Of late, my husband visits us often and he spends time with the kids whenever possible.

Though she is 10 years old, my daughter is not having that level of maturity.

She is very illogical and dull. I have been training her in certain household work like sweeping the house, washing her clothes and all.

She is doing all the work with no concentration/involvement/interest and so the output is pathetic.

She is like that in her studies also. I have been explaining things in a very detailed way even then she is doing things like that.

During my childhood no one was there to explain me but for my daughter I am there but she is not understanding the value of it. I am getting frustrated and irritated because of her.

My question is since she was missing her father couple of years in the recent past, her behaviour is like this.

Is there anything that I can do for her improvement?

Shortly she might be starting her puberty cycle and before that I would like to make her logical and smart.

I have been consistently trying for this by chatting with her alone but could not see any betterment. Kindly help me out.

Ans: Dear JR, when you say: She is very illogical and dull, what does this mean?

Does she take time to understand things? Or is it that she is being evaluated based on what others her age are doing?

At age 10, do you want a happy child or a child who excels in washing clothes and doing all your housework.

Sharing responsibilities at home is perfectly fine, but to judge your child based on that by saying: ‘output is pathetic’ only demoralizes the child further.

She possibly has missed her father all these years and what you need to do is fill it with more love, care and what is the point in driving the point that you didn’t have anyone and she has you and she has to understand the value of this.

She is 10, please allow her to be her age and feel free with each of you.

Create an environment that is loving and caring and supporting from both parents will enable her to relax, be cheerful, grow and be active. And this environment is not for any sort of evaluation or to see a favourable behaviour from her in return.

In a few years from now, she will be hitting puberty.

Let her walk into that phase with confidence and pride rather than self-doubt and shame. I am sure that as a mother you know how important that time is for a young girl.

Start thinking of how to be back together as a family as it isn’t easy for you as well to be away from your husband.

This could also be adding to your stress and maybe it comes out in different ways.

Be with your daughter, love her and encourage her and even after that, you see that there is a challenge, then maybe it’s time to visit a professional who can step in and help.

Happy parenting and be well and stress-free!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

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Relationship
Dear madam, it’s about my daughter. She is 22, completed Msc (economics) in IIT-Kharagpur and will join job in July at Gurugram. She 2nd of two kids, son being the 1st, also an IITian, now in the US She is with us since March 2020, the longest period after 7 years. She has average intelligence and follows her brother. We never exerted any pressure but always supported her. She strives very hard to reach her goals. In that process she always experiences very tense moments. She shares all in detail with her mother (some very silly). My wife always listens patiently and extends all the required support. She also excelled in cultural activities at IIT -- was cast in a lead role in a short film which stood first in the IIT meet. She was affected by corona during which she did internship with Nomura. She cleared CFA level 1 in Dec 20 and is continuing her last semester from home. She is very much attached to the family and always insists that we live with her. At the same time, she is lazy and never inclined to share any work at home. She was and is busy with her studies then and internship now. She spends most of the day sleeping; working at night, chatting and hardly communicates pleasantries with me and her mother. We do discuss about general things. During conversations with her mother, she would shout and get upset with anything she dislikes. However she will be very normal with her friends. I worry silently but my wife is not able to be passive which is resulting in verbal duels frequently for silly or no reason. My concerns: 1. Her irregular timings – she wakes up at 1 pm,misses breakfast, lunch 2 pm, dinner 10 pm and sleeps sometime after 2 am. 2. She is not exercising. 3. She intervenes in our conversation (between me and my wife) and finds fault with the thinking of my wife. I routinely console my wife that all will be OK soon. But I find it difficult to convince her. Importantly I’ve become helpless and speechless whenever both of them indulge in verbal duels. All my attempts to pacify them are useless. My request to keep silence is not at all heeded. Both find fault with me for not supporting their points. Both are correct from their angles, however the issues are silly. Later both shower so much of love and I always wonder whether they even indulged in fierce battle a little while ago. My concern: How to handle the situation? How to make them silent? Any advice will be appreciated and followed.
Ans: Dear TVR, is it possible to make anyone silent, especially against their will?

Talking loudly or screaming at each other clearly indicates that there is a communication breakdown in that relationship. And silence cannot rebuild this.

There’s a lot of love and a lot of arguments between a mother and a daughter.

It is filled with care, worry, anxiety and a lot of love. They are well meaning but maybe the manner in which it is expressed may not be the best.

Your wife certainly wants to have a better level of communication with the daughter but do remember at age 22, she doesn’t need instructions but more of friendly suggestion; practically ‘A take it or leave it’ one.

But relinquishing this way of parenting and moving to a friendlier one takes a lot of mindset change as now you both are parenting a young lady and not a girl

Also, it would be worth an effort to know if all the studies that she is currently pursuing is not something that is for the outside world and to follow her brother but is something that she likes.

Professional competitive courses can sometimes rob a person of a holistic life leaving little time to have hobbies or a social life to enjoy. Is she under pressure? Does she like what she is studying?

A few study late into the night and a few wake up early. Whatever that is, she must maintain a better lifestyle and eat well. Not maintaining proper mealtimes can be reflective of stress also.

I suggest you and your wife have a chat/talk with her not to instruct her on what to do and what not to BUT making it casual like the three of you are on the same side and looking at the situation outside of you.

That will make her trust you both even more and it could possibly lead her to a better state of mind to tackle her studies and have a good personal life as well.

Wishing your family a wonderful connection.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |405 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 30, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Kanchan, this query is regarding dealing with our teenage daughter (13 yrs). It is almost difficult to get her to do anything at home. She does not clean her room, take care of her share of chores. She is not dumb, but below average student in class. She used to go to guitar class and once faced stiff competition in her school , she is not participating in music competitions after that . Both me and my wife had been industrious and competitive students. We are ok with her not picking up studies, but what i don't see, is a spark to excel at anything. Her friends have passed French level 1 exams and even though she is learning for last 4 yrs, she doesn't appear for them. Everyday is escalating into huge arguments between her and my wife , with few broken items at home. As I mentioned studies excellence is not a concern, but we are unable to motivate her to put up a fight for the things she wants in life. She would come home from school and watch YT, reels, etc for hrs at stretch. Since we both husband wife are working, it is very difficult to monitor her all the time. We fear that she is already influencing our 9 yr old son , who is a discplined kid otherwise. We feel helpless most of the time, as she is not amending her ways. Please suggest what to do?
Ans: One of the things that might be happening here is that your daughter is at an age where identity and confidence issues often come to the forefront. At 13, she’s navigating a lot—social pressures, changing emotions, and maybe even a fear of not being able to meet the expectations of her parents, peers, or even herself. The fact that she stopped participating in music competitions after facing stiff competition might indicate she’s dealing with fear of failure or rejection. It’s not that she doesn’t care, but more that she may be afraid of not being good enough, and in response, she avoids trying at all.

Instead of pushing her to excel, the first step might be to understand what’s going on emotionally. Teenagers are notorious for shutting down or rebelling when they feel pressure, even if it’s unintentional. Try creating an environment where she feels safe to open up without fear of judgment or comparison to others. Sit down with her and have an open, calm conversation where you genuinely listen to her side. She might not know how to express her frustrations or fears, but giving her the space to talk could help her feel supported instead of criticized.

I understand your concern about her spending hours on YouTube or watching reels. This can be both a form of escapism and a way for her to feel connected to her peers. Rather than banning or limiting screen time strictly, which could create more conflict, try to understand what she’s watching and why she’s so drawn to it. Maybe this can lead to finding a common ground or encouraging her to pursue interests related to what she enjoys online, without the pressure of competition.

It’s also possible she’s feeling the weight of expectations, even if you don’t consciously put them on her. Sometimes just knowing that her parents were high achievers can make her feel like she’s falling short. Helping her feel that it’s okay not to have everything figured out yet might ease some of the pressure.

You’re also right to be concerned about her influence on your younger son. His more disciplined nature may make him vulnerable to picking up some of her habits. But rather than positioning them as opposites, encourage them both to find balance—showing her that discipline and effort don’t have to come with the weight of pressure might help her change her behavior, too.

The arguments with your wife and the escalation at home are clearly a sign that things are reaching a boiling point, but remember that this doesn’t mean she’s unreachable. This is a tough stage, but with patience, empathy, and a bit of flexibility in your approach, it’s possible to guide her without feeling like you’re losing control of the situation.

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Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1054 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I am 3 yr neet dropper.in 2025 it will be my third attempt... I'm trying my best to crack neet ...i don't know what will happen will i score good marks or not ... please help me in suggesting good career options if not crack neet .....there are many options through neet marks also like bhms , veterinary...etc. i will also give entrance exam also like cuet ,gbpuat ,....but i want that what to choose which course will be best for me ...i want to make my life good and happy... having a good degree, good job ,...
Ans: Hello.
Have you analyzed your failure in 2 successive attempts in the NEET examination? If yes, then the question is what you have done for improvement and not then again the question arises why not? Here, I would like to suggest you focus now only on the NEET examination which is your 3rd attempt. Don't think about any other options right now till May 2025. After the NEET exam is over, you have ample time to explore the options available. Depending on your score in NEET 2025, we will guide you at that time. But yet, if you are confused, then looking towards your question and anxiety, you need personal counseling where you can express yourself face-to-face. Only after the NEET exam is over, you contact a counsellor for one-to-one counseling. Till then, keep mum and focus only on NEET. Take this exam as your mission and project. Work on this project, apply forces from all sides, success is there which is waiting for you eagerly.
Best of luck for your bright future.

Some tips: (1) Analyse separately Phy, Che, Bio (2) Prepare a list of hard topics (3) First focus more on the topics which are easy for you and then try to excel in hard topics (4) Appear more and more online/offline examinations (4) Prepare your short-cut file for all subjects (5) Prepare a file for each subject having only synopsis of all chapters (6) Try to solve the problems at the lightening speed and observe the period on regular basis (7) Create your time table to revise the topics on regular basis (8) Do not hesitate to ask your difficulties to your teachers, if you have joined to offline classes (9) Keep the habit of marking the answers which you know 100%. Don't guess the answers and mark them, as there is -ve marking scheme. (10) Be calm, quite, and smiling all the time to release the tension and always have a healthy chat with your friends.

If satisfied, please like and follow me.
If dissatisfied with the reply, please ask again without hesitation.
Thanks.

Radheshyam

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