Dear Love Guru,
From where should I begin? It's a rather complex one. Well, I was in a 6-year-old long distance relationship (we met on Facebook) it was a good one and he was the best friend I thought I wanted.
Over the years though, I started seeing a controlling streak in him in whatever I did. Though we were only connected online but applications like Discord, having access to my accounts and passwords became a tool to keep tabs on me.
I had no privacy of my own and the sad part, I didn't even realise it was toxic. He had taken hold of a lot of aspects of my life and I didn't even realise how unhealthy it is.
It was last year when I lost my mother (having lost my father years back) when life hit me.
I was completing first year of my MBA programme when this tragedy occurred. Her passing amidst the COVID 2nd wave was terrorising, to say the least.
Thankfully, I had gem of friends who were there throughout.
It was amidst this that I realised that there was an element of control in the support he provided. He didn't understand the magnitude of what I was going through and always undermined my efforts.
There was no respect in him for me and for me there was no love left (when I introspect now I think I was more in love with idea of love rather than loving him) but I didn't realise this because I was so habituated with him.
My MBA summer internship started and I was paired with this batchmate who was also a classmate. I didn't know him because COVID ensured that first year of PG is completely online.
When I first met him. I found him to be stiff, rude and cribbing. I didn't realise he was an introvert.
Eventually, I started warming up to him with us travelling almost two months together there developed a thickness. We bonded over our shared state, food and sadness of losing our mothers.
I didn't even realise when I started getting attracted to him and neither did he.
But when I did the first thing that I did was to break up with the guy I was with because for the first time in six years I was tilting towards someone else and I knew that this was it for us.
The break-up was long, tiresome and hurtful for both of us. I hated hurting him but I couldn't be with him and suffocate myself any longer.
We tried to wish each other well but then when has all this been anything but ending up in a train wreck and now we don't have any contact with each other.
I keep him in prayers and wishes because I know he is not a bad human being it's just that I allowed him to walk over me and he kept on doing it without realising what he is doing is mental abuse.
But it's not the story of me and my ex. It's the story of the guy I have come to love.
The rude, stiff and cribby guy… who knew he would turn out be this sensitive, loving and appreciative soul. I got what I always wanted from someone I loved: respect, trust and appreciation.
It's not like I don't have fights with him or arguments but there is a dialogue at the end. He understands where he went wrong and so do I. I am finally in a happy, healthy relationship.
The only issue here is we both are from two different religions, I am H and he is M. This often makes me feel that there is a timer to us.
We are two highly educated people from urban India, completing our post-graduation from one of India's top B-schools with great placements in hand and still the noose of society and religion is tied around our neck.
I try not to think of us in the long term but I am on that side of 20s now that settling down is always on my mind. Especially after losing my parents, I often crave a family that is my own.
There is also a hint of loss hovering over me. I still haven't moved on from losing my mother and I don't think I ever will.
But last one year has been a roller coaster ride with major decisions and incidences. How do I wrap my head around all of this?
Now, here I am between love, life and ambitions. Asking you what to do? Where to go? Which road should be taken?
Regards,
R
PS: Please ensure anonymity.

Dear D,

Emotional maturity is what is in question here. He still is at an age where commitment is not something he is aware of.

It’s like try this relationship, if it doesn’t work, try another one and so on….

Give him time to settle his emotions till he is ready for a committed relationship; which does not mean, you wait around for ever.

Now that you are ‘friends’ or not, please surround yourself with people your age and if an interesting person comes along, see where that goes.

As far as being attached to him goes, do you really want to continue to inflict pain on yourself by basing your entire emotional world with him?

The world is huge and so are your sights…. Focus on yourself and what you love and be in that space to find yourself again.

Be kind to yourself, all the best! 

Cut. Him. Off. Completely.

Block him on social media and on your cellphone. And your parents’ cellphones and their social media as well.

The guy is a con and you know it.

You should not have let his stupid rumours cost you your job and your life abroad. The truth of a situation always lets itself be known sooner or later and sometimes you have to brave it out.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through, but you should freeze him out completely.

If you need to talk to someone about this at length, counselling may help.

Dear SR,

Read this sentence that you have written:

“Even when he was with the girl he used to come to my house every Saturday and go on dates with that girl on Sundays.”

Do you not feel used and powerless?

How are you able to allow someone to treat you in such a disrespectful manner?

Did the two of decide to become friends and support one another in your respective relationships, like the way you stood by and watched him date this other girl while he walked into your life seeking approval?

Open your eyes please. The other girl is no longer in his life and he wails and comes back to you and now you are wondering what you should be doing?

If this was your sister or a best friend going through the same thing, will you tell them to put up with this toxic behaviour or will you ask them to take charge of their lives?

Will you tell them to love themselves more and reclaim their power or wait meekly to pick up scraps as and when the guy threw them around?

Stand up for yourself girl; at least he will think before trying this game with another girl.

Do the right thing by just being YOU and loving yourself more.

All the best!

Dear SB,

What are you? His emotional sponge?

One thing I want to appeal to you is: Self-respect is something that we are so ready to give up for just a little love and attention. And the way you treat yourself is how others will treat you.

You are in your early 20s and you have an entire life in front of you and you want to build your career.

With the current space that you are in, do you feel you are choosing wisely to fulfil what you want from life and for yourself?

Also, are there other ways in which you can bring this relationship together. Like sitting him down and talking; maybe an elder in the family can do this.

If nothing works, remember, your life, your choice, your terms…nothing and no one can mess with your peace of mind unless you give them the permission to do so.

You want to prosper, then think and act in a manner that will allow you to prosperity and think of losing all that is keeping from feeling this prosperity.

Step up, take charge of your life NOW. All the best.

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Dear AI,

The nature of a virtual relationship can be the way that you have mentioned.

What is being shared virtually may not be reality and it is difficult to spot this.

Now that you know, isn’t it a lesson learned not to rely on anyone outside of you for your own happiness?

Did you have to study hard just so that you fit his choice of ‘successful’ women/girls?

Can you not work hard to live your dreams?

What you lack is self-love! Something that you didn’t focus on because you were working hard to prove how relevant you are in his life so that he chooses you.

Even if this relationship works, it will be his call always and other than strive hard to be in his life, there’s nothing that will grow in it.

Moreover, isn’t it a red flag when he revealed that he has been in a relationship for over a year?

Time to get back to yourself. Value yourself more, love yourself more…if you don’t, no one else will!

Start every morning doing these little things:

• in gratitude for being alive
• list down 3 things that you love about yourself
• do one thing that you love at least for 15 minutes everyday
• spend time in Nature
• surround yourself with people that love you

These are tried and tested methods to get you out of a low phase.

Again, love yourself more and yet again!

All the best!