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Anu

Anu Krishna1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 23, 2022

Asked on - Aug 23, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Hi ma'am. I am 37 years old, married, financially independent working mom of two, and not to forget I have a perfect husband.
Problem - I'll not say it's a problem but the thing is my mother was also a working mom. She is super egoistic and critical towards her kids.
I had a severe case of insecurity due to continuous criticism regarding my weight, colour and beauty while growing up.
I always tried for good academic scores, even then also there was someone better than me. We were always compared.
She always said No for any request I made. So I stopped asking and informing her or I'll just tell her some lie.
After I got married and after so many years, I thought I am over being that girl.
But even now, she gets annoyed if I miss calling her.

She calls me names and tells me how I am an awful child to do that to my parents.
I try my best to call them every day, I try to include them in everything.

Why do I have to be a perfect daughter when I was never told that she is there for me. That I am beautiful, I am a good student or a good daughter.
She never calls or allows my father to call if I miss a day.
I feel it's only when I do everything the way she wants. Then she is happy. Otherwise she makes sure to hurt me with her words.
Please help me.

-An insecure daughter

Ans:

Dear R,

Time to stop playing the ‘victim’ card and take charge of your life?

Life isn’t fair at times and all of us face challenges at different points in time.

What if you accepted your mother for who she is rather than try and change her?

Thinking repeatedly about the ‘wrong’ she did to you, is only going to make you feel more resentment.

By asking her to change, (I am sure you have tried this before), has she changed for you to feel secure?

People and their behaviours is not in your control and the more you attempt to change it, the more disappointed you are going to be.

Why not focus on yourself and find your security with close friends and yourself?

The more you play a ‘victim’, the more you will feel the need to prove how poorly you have been treated.

Can you let go of that thin rope and look inward, play on your strengths and tell yourself to accept, move on and create a better life?

And you are not an awful child’ it’s just your mother’s way of asking for your attention negatively.

Smile and become silent. This might cause her to take note and change her stance about you.

All the best!

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 30, 2022

Asked on - May 30, 2022Hindi

Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
From where should I begin? It's a rather complex one. Well, I was in a 6-year-old long distance relationship (we met on Facebook) it was a good one and he was the best friend I thought I wanted.
Over the years though, I started seeing a controlling streak in him in whatever I did. Though we were only connected online but applications like Discord, having access to my accounts and passwords became a tool to keep tabs on me.
I had no privacy of my own and the sad part, I didn't even realise it was toxic. He had taken hold of a lot of aspects of my life and I didn't even realise how unhealthy it is.
It was last year when I lost my mother (having lost my father years back) when life hit me.
I was completing first year of my MBA programme when this tragedy occurred. Her passing amidst the COVID 2nd wave was terrorising, to say the least.
Thankfully, I had gem of friends who were there throughout.
It was amidst this that I realised that there was an element of control in the support he provided. He didn't understand the magnitude of what I was going through and always undermined my efforts.
There was no respect in him for me and for me there was no love left (when I introspect now I think I was more in love with idea of love rather than loving him) but I didn't realise this because I was so habituated with him.
My MBA summer internship started and I was paired with this batchmate who was also a classmate. I didn't know him because COVID ensured that first year of PG is completely online.
When I first met him. I found him to be stiff, rude and cribbing. I didn't realise he was an introvert.
Eventually, I started warming up to him with us travelling almost two months together there developed a thickness. We bonded over our shared state, food and sadness of losing our mothers.
I didn't even realise when I started getting attracted to him and neither did he.
But when I did the first thing that I did was to break up with the guy I was with because for the first time in six years I was tilting towards someone else and I knew that this was it for us.
The break-up was long, tiresome and hurtful for both of us. I hated hurting him but I couldn't be with him and suffocate myself any longer.
We tried to wish each other well but then when has all this been anything but ending up in a train wreck and now we don't have any contact with each other.
I keep him in prayers and wishes because I know he is not a bad human being it's just that I allowed him to walk over me and he kept on doing it without realising what he is doing is mental abuse.
But it's not the story of me and my ex. It's the story of the guy I have come to love.
The rude, stiff and cribby guy… who knew he would turn out be this sensitive, loving and appreciative soul. I got what I always wanted from someone I loved: respect, trust and appreciation.
It's not like I don't have fights with him or arguments but there is a dialogue at the end. He understands where he went wrong and so do I. I am finally in a happy, healthy relationship.
The only issue here is we both are from two different religions, I am H and he is M. This often makes me feel that there is a timer to us.
We are two highly educated people from urban India, completing our post-graduation from one of India's top B-schools with great placements in hand and still the noose of society and religion is tied around our neck.
I try not to think of us in the long term but I am on that side of 20s now that settling down is always on my mind. Especially after losing my parents, I often crave a family that is my own.
There is also a hint of loss hovering over me. I still haven't moved on from losing my mother and I don't think I ever will.
But last one year has been a roller coaster ride with major decisions and incidences. How do I wrap my head around all of this?
Now, here I am between love, life and ambitions. Asking you what to do? Where to go? Which road should be taken?
Regards,
R
PS: Please ensure anonymity.

Ans:

Dear R, religion plays as big or as small a role in your life as you wish it to.

If either of you is overtly religious and tries to force your beliefs on the other, then yes, it can prove a problem.

If religion inside a home doesn’t matter, then intermarried couples usually have years of happy celebrations together of all festivals, their children follow both customs and everything works out well. And I have seen that happen.

So I would suggest you have the conversation on religion with each other right now, it’s imperative.

And then, if you’re on the same page concerning your future, go ahead and plan it together. 

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Anu

Anu Krishna1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

Asked on - Oct 14, 2021Hindi

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Relationship
Dear mam, I am married for 14 yrs. Love marriage.

I used to work earlier but quit because my husband was earning well and he said he will take care of me and my son.

We used to be a happy couple but during the lockdown my mother-in-law and sister-in-law decided to move in with us.

Slowly they started creating issues between my husband and me often badmouthing my behaviour or complaining about me.

I was unaware about it until recently when we had a big fight. That’s when I realised that they have been planning to drive me out of the house and get him married to someone else whom they can manipulate.

It’s been over a year now that my husband is not even talking to me properly.

I went and stayed with my parents for some time but even they feel I am a burden and should adjust and accommodate instead of giving them reasons to fight. They don’t understand that all this is politics.

Now my husband is talking to some girl whom I don’t like. That is causing more problems and fights between us.

Anything I say is used against me now. Please help me mam. What to do?

Ans: Dear R, why did they start to create issues between you and your husband?

What led to this? It rarely happens that people go after people with no reason.

Did you have any reservations about them coming and staying over?

Did you express it in some form to them? (Ask these to yourself so that you know that any act on your part did not lead to this situation. Of course, nothing justifies their plotting to get their son married behind your back).

If the answer to this is NO, then it's time to confront your husband, get a mediator and put things on the table.

What does he want? What do you want?

Do you both want to continue in this marriage?

What are his responsibilities towards your son?

These need to be addressed without anymore delay. Being in a limbo state is not fun as it keeps you guessing and the uncertainty can cause a lot of stress.

Also, kindly sensitise your parents towards what you are going through, so that support you in this time of need.

Act NOW and whatever you decide, put yourself first and take care of you emotional state of mind.

Best wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2021

Asked on - Jul 15, 2021Hindi

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Relationship
 Hello, it's been 2.5 years I am staying alone after my divorce.
I am mentally doing very good and having peaceful life after getting away from my toxic marriage life.
I have no problem in living alone with rest of my life, the only thing that concerns me is how to take care and look after myself as I get older?

Ans: Dear R, being alone is a scary thing indeed; but you know that enjoying your own company can be very satisfying as well.

Start to cultivate that from now on. Indulge in things daily that give you a lot of happiness.

Also, start to go to meet up groups where people of common interests come together for a discussion or a hobby.

We are social creatures and we thrive with social connects and why keep yourself away from that. Of course, you can choose solitude when you want to but do know you always have the option of mingling with people when you want to.

Regarding caring for yourself when you grow older, if this is indeed how you fathom it will be to grow old all by yourself, there are community living home project across India where you can invest or rent a place.

Here you will find people similar in age (future) and who might be like-minded with their children having relocated to other countries or other parts of India.

You might find couples in their sunset years or single people that age who for their chosen reasons are residing in that community.

The community does have medical facilities and cooking helpers to take care of its residents round the clock.

Also a few of them boast of libraries, swimming pools, gyms and more. So you have the flexibility of being with people yet you can choose solitude when you want to.

Do check the listings on this in Google with its recommendations.

Be happy and at peace always!

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Anu

Anu Krishna1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

Asked on - Jun 09, 2021Hindi

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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am a 35 yr old married guy with one child. Over the past 1.5 years since the lockdown started we have started multiple fights among ourselves.

If I take this sometime back, then from the time our kid was born, my wife has lost interest in sex and then lockdown started.

I tried convincing her many times but nothing seems to be working out.

I can’t go out for holidays or any outing because of the current scenario.

I also look sex starved and keep looking out for some flings outside. How can I get my normal life back?

Is this a normal behaviour of looking for flings outside my marriage? What do you suggest in my situation?

Waiting for a prompt response.

Ans: Dear R, I hear you. As much as flings outside of marriage seem like a good way to escape, remedying the situation that you are in goes a long way in creating a stronger marriage.

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage/relationship but not the only one.

The obsession with sex can absolutely drive a person insane as books are written on the number of times one must have sex in a week, the duration of sex/love making and a detailed participation between the people involved in this activity.

No other activity in the world would have been subject to so much scrutiny and detailed explanations on what to do, how to do, how much to do and so on.

As we are in the know of this, we start to obsess over what is wrong with us.

The most natural activity in the world needs to be under the scanner. That is what could be happening to you like many others who talk of the miseries of sex not being a part of marriage.

Firstly, you need to understand that after a woman delivers a baby, the experience changes her physically, emotionally, and spiritually as well. Her focus now becomes the baby and its well being.

And this can be a dampener for the father who suddenly feels neglected. This can lead to him feeling unloved, uncared for almost competing with his baby.

As cruel as this may sound, this is the reality in many homes with the arrival of a new-born. And somewhere, the mother becomes so comfortable with her role that she may forget to communicate to her husband that she needs time to be in that phase and integrate her role as a mother and wife.

Yes, and many a time, this goes on for years.

How can this be addressed? Communicate your needs without just jumping the gun and stating that sex is all you want.

Yes, that is what you are missing, but there is more to a relationship.

Build your connection from the scratch.

Court her, pamper her, indulge in her and simply love her without making her feel inadequate and guilty…making a mother feel like a woman than just someone who changes diapers and feeds the baby can be an absolute turnaround for any woman.

This takes time and patience… it’s like planting a seed, watering it and watching it grow and when you see it bloom, it can radiate with happiness.

And if you think, she genuinely isn’t interested in sex or any sort of physical intimacy, there might be an underlying problem like hormonal imbalance, stress, fatigue.

These need to be addressed by seeing a professional. I would still suggest; see your wife as a woman who you are in love with and the reason that you are together…that will put things in perspective for you.

Wishing you the best in rebuilding your connection.

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Anu

Anu Krishna1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 06, 2020

Asked on - Oct 06, 2020Hindi

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