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Teen Asks: How to Cope with Toxic Home Environment and Constant Parental Fights?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1208 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 17, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Neha Question by Neha on Oct 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I have toxic household environmental.my parents always fight and it's not good for my mental health. My mother never listens she always fights with everybody

Ans: Dear Neha,
I guess there isn't much one can do to control things outside of them, which means in your case, your environment. If you can't change that, then change the way you are managing it. Changing people and their habits is never easy...

Your parents fight have nothing to do with you...if you are a working professional, take solace that you can be out of the house most of the time. And if you are a student, try spending time at the library or any other place where you can study or focus on your goals. Of course, if you are much younger, then things are tough and be in the house and isolate your mind from the inevitable fights. Do try and tell your parents that it bothers, but I don't think that may help you much.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Hello madam, I have a very toxic environment at my house, my mother is depressed because my father is 55 years old and looks around other woman in the village, my mother warned him many times but he don't listen to my mother, actually my father is an army retired so during his job they had very little time together, and after retirement there are lots of fights between them, I think my father is such an animal that one day he asked my mother to let him sleep with her friend, so my mother's friend stopped coming in our house, and my mother is short tempered, controlling personality, she wanted to control each and every person in the house, even after my marriage my mother want to control me and my wife, she pulls out our strings , Can I change them ? Or should I leave the house and start living away from them, as I said she is very controlling personality so she will not allow us to live at some other place because she puts a society pressure on us that what people will think, actually I don't care about other people saying but she emotionally blackmail us that she has done a lot of things for me , don't leave me alone in this house like this, I don't know what could be the right step. Should I leave the house and start living on my own or there is some way by which I can change them . Please help me take decision
Ans: Navigating such a complex and toxic family environment is incredibly challenging. It's important to recognize that while you may deeply care for your parents and want to help them, changing deeply ingrained behaviors and dynamics within a family, especially those involving control and emotional manipulation, is extremely difficult. Your mother's controlling nature and your father's inappropriate behavior are significant issues that likely require professional intervention, such as therapy, which they may or may not be willing to pursue.

Given the emotional toll this environment is taking on you, it is crucial to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Establishing boundaries is key. If you and your wife are constantly subjected to a controlling and toxic atmosphere, it can severely impact your relationship and personal happiness. Moving out and living independently could provide the necessary space to foster a healthier and more peaceful life. While this decision might be met with resistance and emotional blackmail from your mother, it's important to remember that your responsibility is first to yourself and your immediate family—your wife and, if applicable, your children.

Living separately doesn't mean abandoning your parents. You can still support them from a distance, visiting regularly and offering help when needed. This arrangement can also give your mother the opportunity to address her issues with your father without involving or impacting you and your wife directly. It's about finding a balance between being there for your parents and protecting your own well-being.

Ultimately, moving out could lead to healthier relationships all around, as distance might lessen the daily tension and allow everyone to develop more respectful and less intrusive ways of interacting. This decision requires courage and clear communication. Discuss your plans with your wife, ensure you are both on the same page, and approach your parents with empathy but firmness about your need for independence. While you can't change your parents, you can change how you interact with them and set boundaries to create a healthier environment for yourself and your future family.

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HI, I am don't want to disclose name I am facing some mental issue from last two year. In March my father passed I have not good relation with my parent, because their exception are very high which is not possible for me to satisfied. So after my father my mother start daily fight with me for small small thing, my mother has long history of mental issue, and my father did not address that . Now she want to what she did with my father. Due to daily quarrel my daily day to activity got affected. I can’t concentrate on my self. My confidence is loosing. I want to be alone and in peace. I have loving wife and caring son, but still I feel lost. And after covid my office atmosphere also get dirty. My senior keep me irritating without any issue. I know my problem is my mother and second is my office boss. Is there is any way without leaving to them. Otherwise, I am determined to leave both of them and live my life peacefully. Please advice
Ans: First, regarding your mother, it’s crucial to establish boundaries. Her mental health struggles are serious, but they shouldn’t be allowed to overshadow your own well-being. It might be helpful to seek professional support for her, such as counseling or therapy. If she’s unwilling, then finding ways to distance yourself emotionally from her criticism is key. It's not easy, but learning not to absorb her negativity can help protect your mental health. You might also consider speaking to a counselor yourself to help you process these feelings and find strategies for coping with her behavior without having to completely sever ties.

As for your work situation, it sounds like the toxic environment is wearing you down. If leaving isn’t an immediate option, try to find small ways to shield yourself from the negativity. Can you limit your interactions with your senior or find ways to compartmentalize work stress so it doesn’t bleed into your personal life? Sometimes, focusing on things outside of work—hobbies, time with your wife and son—can provide a needed escape.

It sounds like you're craving solitude and peace, and while leaving both your mother and your job might seem like a solution, it may not be the only one. Start with small, manageable changes: establishing firmer boundaries with your mother, finding a counselor to talk to, and protecting your emotional space at work. These steps can help you regain control and give you the peace you're seeking without drastic decisions. Remember, you deserve that peace, and it’s possible to find it with the right support.

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I have a boyfriend of almost 3 years. We have been in a loving relationship. My boyfriend lives in a joint family set up while I have lived almost my whole life in a nuclear family. My family has always been very open minded whereas his family is a traditional Indian jount family. Over this period I have met his family twice or thrice for not more than 2 hours or so. Same is the case with my boyfriend His side of the family seemed to be decent overall. Since, we are planning to get married, me and my boyfriend decided to introduce our families with each other. On doing so, my parents found multiple points of differences in their culture and ours. They even warned me if I will be able to survive in this family and I feel that my family is 100 per cent right about this. Although, they approved of my boyfriend but not his family. Should I marry him?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I can't really tell you whether you should or shouldn't marry him, but I understand that moving from a nuclear family to a joint one can be a big adjustment. I would suggest not to rush into any decision. Take some time to think- 1) Are you willing to make big life changes for your partner? 2) If so, how far are you willing to go? 3) Do you think these changes will negatively affect your mental health and your relationship in general? 4) Are these differences worth breaking up with your partner? 5) Take a look at the big picture- do not focus on momentary happiness or sorrow.
It is indeed a big decision and it is one you should be making with your partner. Communicate your fears to your partner- let him come up with solutions. But, in the event, you are certain you will never be able to adapt to their lifestyle, don't let anyone manipulate you into getting married to him. It will only ruin both of your future.

Best wishes.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6675 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 17, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir, I m 43 years old. I have received about 80 lacs from a property sale. I also have a home loan of remaining 35 lacs for next 15 years. Can you suggest if I should payoff my loan amount or I should invest 80 lacs in Mutual fund and do a SWP of 50000, to pay EMI.
Ans: You have received Rs 80 lakhs from a property sale, and you also have a home loan with Rs 35 lakhs outstanding. You are considering whether to pay off the loan or invest in mutual funds and use a systematic withdrawal plan (SWP) of Rs 50,000 to cover your monthly EMI.

Let us evaluate both options and discuss which could be more beneficial for you in the long run.

Paying Off the Loan
Paying off your home loan can provide psychological relief. You won’t have the burden of debt hanging over you. However, it is important to weigh this decision against the potential opportunity cost.

Debt-Free Comfort: Paying off the loan would make you debt-free and provide mental peace. This is important, especially as you age and your income sources might become less certain.

Interest Savings: Home loans come with an interest cost, which can add up significantly over time. If the interest rate on your home loan is high, paying it off could save you a substantial amount in interest payments.

Guaranteed Return: By paying off the loan, you are essentially earning a guaranteed return equivalent to the home loan interest rate. For example, if your home loan interest rate is 8%, paying off the loan provides a risk-free 8% return.

However, paying off the loan entirely might limit your future growth opportunities. Let's explore the option of investing in mutual funds instead.

Investing in Mutual Funds and SWP
Investing Rs 80 lakhs in mutual funds and using an SWP to pay your EMI is another approach. This could allow your investment to grow over time while also providing liquidity for loan payments.

Potential for Higher Returns: Mutual funds, especially equity funds, have the potential to offer higher returns over the long term compared to the interest rate on your home loan. Over a period of 10–15 years, equity mutual funds have historically delivered returns ranging from 10-12% per annum.

Tax Efficiency: When you withdraw money through an SWP, only the gains are taxed, not the principal. With long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%, and short-term capital gains (STCG) taxed at 20%, this can be a tax-efficient way of generating income for your EMI payments.

Liquidity: By keeping your Rs 80 lakhs invested in mutual funds, you retain liquidity. If an unexpected financial need arises, you can access your funds easily. This flexibility is not available if you choose to pay off your home loan entirely.

Assessing the Risks of Mutual Fund Investment
While investing in mutual funds offers growth potential, it also comes with risks. You need to be aware of market volatility, especially in equity investments.

Market Risk: Mutual funds are subject to market risks, and your returns are not guaranteed. In a down market, the value of your investment may decline, affecting your ability to withdraw enough to cover your EMI.

Discipline in Withdrawal: Withdrawing Rs 50,000 per month might erode your capital if your investments do not grow as expected. It is crucial to regularly monitor your portfolio’s performance and adjust your SWP accordingly.

Interest Rate vs. Expected Mutual Fund Returns
It is essential to compare the interest rate on your home loan with the expected returns from mutual funds. If your home loan interest rate is low (around 6-7%), the returns from mutual funds, especially in equity, may justify not paying off the loan early.

On the other hand, if your home loan interest rate is high (8% or more), paying off the loan might offer a guaranteed return that exceeds the potential returns from mutual funds, after accounting for market risks and taxes.

Debt Reduction vs. Wealth Creation
Paying Off the Loan: This provides a guaranteed return and makes you debt-free. It may also offer peace of mind as you no longer have to worry about EMI payments.

Investing the Rs 80 Lakhs: This gives your money the potential to grow over time, possibly offering higher returns than the home loan interest rate. You can maintain liquidity and generate a monthly income through an SWP to cover the EMI.

Certified Financial Planner's Suggestion
Given your situation, a balanced approach might work best. Consider splitting your Rs 80 lakhs into two parts:

Part Payment of the Loan: You could pay off Rs 35 lakhs of your home loan to reduce your debt. This would eliminate the interest burden on this portion of the loan.

Invest the Remaining Rs 45 Lakhs: By investing the remaining Rs 45 lakhs in mutual funds, you can still benefit from the growth potential of the equity market. You could set up an SWP from this investment to cover your remaining EMI payments, which will now be lower due to the partial loan repayment.

This approach allows you to reduce your debt while also giving your money the opportunity to grow in the market.

Benefits of Actively Managed Mutual Funds
While index funds have gained popularity, actively managed mutual funds may offer better opportunities for growth, especially over the long term. Let’s understand why actively managed funds could be a better option in your case:

Higher Return Potential: Active fund managers have the flexibility to select stocks that can outperform the broader market. This can potentially provide you with higher returns than a passive index fund, which merely replicates the performance of an index.

Downside Protection: In volatile or bearish market conditions, actively managed funds can adjust their portfolio to reduce exposure to riskier assets. This flexibility can help protect your capital, something index funds cannot offer.

Expertise: Actively managed funds rely on the expertise of fund managers, who actively monitor the market and make adjustments to the portfolio based on market conditions. This hands-on approach can make a significant difference to your overall returns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Index funds come with their own set of disadvantages. While they have lower expense ratios, they lack the flexibility and expertise of actively managed funds.

No Opportunity to Outperform: Index funds are designed to replicate the performance of an index, such as the Nifty 50 or Sensex. This means that your returns are capped by the performance of the index. If the market is down, index funds will also underperform, with no opportunity for active management to mitigate the losses.

Limited Downside Protection: Index funds must follow the composition of the index, regardless of market conditions. In a falling market, this lack of flexibility can lead to significant losses, as the fund cannot switch to safer assets or sectors.

Benefits of Regular Funds Through a CFP
There are distinct advantages to investing in mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) rather than opting for direct funds.

Professional Guidance: A CFP brings expertise and experience in managing portfolios. They can help you create a customized investment strategy based on your goals, risk tolerance, and financial situation.

Rebalancing and Adjustments: A CFP regularly reviews your portfolio and makes necessary adjustments to keep it aligned with your goals. This ongoing management ensures that your investments remain on track even during market fluctuations.

Tax-Efficient Strategies: A CFP can help you manage your investments in a tax-efficient manner. By planning withdrawals, redemptions, and asset allocation, they can help minimize the tax impact on your returns.

Comprehensive Financial Planning: A CFP provides more than just investment advice. They offer a holistic approach to your financial well-being, considering your long-term goals, tax planning, insurance needs, and retirement planning.

Final Insights
In your case, the choice between paying off your home loan and investing in mutual funds depends on your risk tolerance, financial goals, and the interest rate on your loan. A combination of part payment of the loan and investment in mutual funds offers a balanced approach, providing both debt reduction and potential for wealth creation.

Opting for actively managed mutual funds over index funds could give you better growth potential and downside protection. Additionally, investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) will provide you with the expertise and guidance needed to maximize your returns while minimizing risk.

It’s important to continuously monitor your investments and adjust them based on changing market conditions and your evolving financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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