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Teen Asks: How to Cope with Toxic Home Environment and Constant Parental Fights?

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 17, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Neha Question by Neha on Oct 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I have toxic household environmental.my parents always fight and it's not good for my mental health. My mother never listens she always fights with everybody

Ans: Dear Neha,
I guess there isn't much one can do to control things outside of them, which means in your case, your environment. If you can't change that, then change the way you are managing it. Changing people and their habits is never easy...

Your parents fight have nothing to do with you...if you are a working professional, take solace that you can be out of the house most of the time. And if you are a student, try spending time at the library or any other place where you can study or focus on your goals. Of course, if you are much younger, then things are tough and be in the house and isolate your mind from the inevitable fights. Do try and tell your parents that it bothers, but I don't think that may help you much.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 19, 2024Hindi
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Hello madam, I have a very toxic environment at my house, my mother is depressed because my father is 55 years old and looks around other woman in the village, my mother warned him many times but he don't listen to my mother, actually my father is an army retired so during his job they had very little time together, and after retirement there are lots of fights between them, I think my father is such an animal that one day he asked my mother to let him sleep with her friend, so my mother's friend stopped coming in our house, and my mother is short tempered, controlling personality, she wanted to control each and every person in the house, even after my marriage my mother want to control me and my wife, she pulls out our strings , Can I change them ? Or should I leave the house and start living away from them, as I said she is very controlling personality so she will not allow us to live at some other place because she puts a society pressure on us that what people will think, actually I don't care about other people saying but she emotionally blackmail us that she has done a lot of things for me , don't leave me alone in this house like this, I don't know what could be the right step. Should I leave the house and start living on my own or there is some way by which I can change them . Please help me take decision
Ans: Navigating such a complex and toxic family environment is incredibly challenging. It's important to recognize that while you may deeply care for your parents and want to help them, changing deeply ingrained behaviors and dynamics within a family, especially those involving control and emotional manipulation, is extremely difficult. Your mother's controlling nature and your father's inappropriate behavior are significant issues that likely require professional intervention, such as therapy, which they may or may not be willing to pursue.

Given the emotional toll this environment is taking on you, it is crucial to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Establishing boundaries is key. If you and your wife are constantly subjected to a controlling and toxic atmosphere, it can severely impact your relationship and personal happiness. Moving out and living independently could provide the necessary space to foster a healthier and more peaceful life. While this decision might be met with resistance and emotional blackmail from your mother, it's important to remember that your responsibility is first to yourself and your immediate family—your wife and, if applicable, your children.

Living separately doesn't mean abandoning your parents. You can still support them from a distance, visiting regularly and offering help when needed. This arrangement can also give your mother the opportunity to address her issues with your father without involving or impacting you and your wife directly. It's about finding a balance between being there for your parents and protecting your own well-being.

Ultimately, moving out could lead to healthier relationships all around, as distance might lessen the daily tension and allow everyone to develop more respectful and less intrusive ways of interacting. This decision requires courage and clear communication. Discuss your plans with your wife, ensure you are both on the same page, and approach your parents with empathy but firmness about your need for independence. While you can't change your parents, you can change how you interact with them and set boundaries to create a healthier environment for yourself and your future family.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 07, 2024Hindi
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HI, I am don't want to disclose name I am facing some mental issue from last two year. In March my father passed I have not good relation with my parent, because their exception are very high which is not possible for me to satisfied. So after my father my mother start daily fight with me for small small thing, my mother has long history of mental issue, and my father did not address that . Now she want to what she did with my father. Due to daily quarrel my daily day to activity got affected. I can’t concentrate on my self. My confidence is loosing. I want to be alone and in peace. I have loving wife and caring son, but still I feel lost. And after covid my office atmosphere also get dirty. My senior keep me irritating without any issue. I know my problem is my mother and second is my office boss. Is there is any way without leaving to them. Otherwise, I am determined to leave both of them and live my life peacefully. Please advice
Ans: First, regarding your mother, it’s crucial to establish boundaries. Her mental health struggles are serious, but they shouldn’t be allowed to overshadow your own well-being. It might be helpful to seek professional support for her, such as counseling or therapy. If she’s unwilling, then finding ways to distance yourself emotionally from her criticism is key. It's not easy, but learning not to absorb her negativity can help protect your mental health. You might also consider speaking to a counselor yourself to help you process these feelings and find strategies for coping with her behavior without having to completely sever ties.

As for your work situation, it sounds like the toxic environment is wearing you down. If leaving isn’t an immediate option, try to find small ways to shield yourself from the negativity. Can you limit your interactions with your senior or find ways to compartmentalize work stress so it doesn’t bleed into your personal life? Sometimes, focusing on things outside of work—hobbies, time with your wife and son—can provide a needed escape.

It sounds like you're craving solitude and peace, and while leaving both your mother and your job might seem like a solution, it may not be the only one. Start with small, manageable changes: establishing firmer boundaries with your mother, finding a counselor to talk to, and protecting your emotional space at work. These steps can help you regain control and give you the peace you're seeking without drastic decisions. Remember, you deserve that peace, and it’s possible to find it with the right support.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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Hello Ma'am. I hope you are doing well. I am not willing to disclose my name. I hail from a nuclear family comprising my parents and myself. I am 28. I was hesitating at first but I am suffering from severe mental agony. The cause of this is my father. My father is extremely volatile, getting aggressive and verbally violent in the smallest and most random of issues. I am an extremely peace loving person as my job as a teacher is demanding. My mother is very demure and prefers to do things hus way to maintain peace in the house. Whenever aggravated situations like this arise, and I have a debate or argument with my father, I generally keep my voice calm but hands and legs tremble and I have palpitations. I lose my semblance and become unable to place my opinions. When I see my father like this, I feel scared to the core. I start remembering the violent childhood beatings that I used to get for not able to cope with studies. I respect him but have realised that my love for him is long gone. The words that he spews verbally, add to my scar and trauma. My mother asks me to remain silent and let him calm down on his own. But the words scar me. I am increasingly becoming distant from my father. I am at a phase in life where I am earning but am not stable. Moreover I worry for my mother as I love her dearly. Can you suggest me how to cope with such a difficult situation? I am earnestly looking forward to your suggestions. Regards MR
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There's little that you can do to change the dynamics of the relationship between your mother and father. Your mother chooses to be submissive and your father has also got used to being the decision maker and things work between them. So leave it at that.
Now, when it comes to you; you have a choice of going through it or doing something about it. You are 28; so what if you are not earning well...maybe stepping out of home will help you re-think and move to something better that lets you earn better as well. At times in life, strong decisions like these are life-changing and they must be made. Is this going to change the relationship between you and your father? No, it wont; but at least you have a chance at a life that you can build for yourself. It's time you grew into your own skin and at this moment if you don't do that for yourself, the rest of your life you will be playing the role of a victim and blaming your father for things not going well for you. You have a choice!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  | Answer  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 21, 2025Hindi
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I'm 32, with no savings other than my monthly SIP of 5000 which i have been doing since 2022 september. I have no financial backing, could you help me with a break up of how i can start investing and saving.
Ans: At 32, starting with Rs. 5,000 monthly SIP is a good first step. Building wealth requires a structured approach to saving and investing. Here's a step-by-step guide to help you achieve financial stability and growth.

Assessing Your Current Situation
You have no financial backing, so an emergency fund is critical.

Your monthly SIP indicates discipline in investing.

Prioritising goals and systematic planning will strengthen your finances.

Step 1: Establish an Emergency Fund
Save at least 6 months' worth of monthly expenses in a liquid fund or savings account.

Allocate a fixed portion of your income every month for this purpose.

Emergency funds should be easily accessible but not used for routine expenses.

Step 2: Manage Expenses Effectively
Create a monthly budget to track income and expenses.

Identify unnecessary expenses and redirect the savings towards investments.

Follow the 50-30-20 rule:

50% for necessities (rent, food, bills).
30% for discretionary spending (entertainment, hobbies).
20% for savings and investments.
Step 3: Continue and Enhance SIP Contributions
Your Rs. 5,000 SIP in equity mutual funds is a good start.

Gradually increase the SIP amount as your income grows.

Choose funds based on your risk tolerance and investment horizon.

Step 4: Diversify Your Investments
Equity Mutual Funds

Continue investing in actively managed funds for long-term growth.
Focus on funds with consistent performance over 5-10 years.
Debt Funds or Fixed Deposits

Allocate a portion to safer instruments for stability.
These options can balance risk in your portfolio.
PPF (Public Provident Fund)

Open a PPF account for tax-saving benefits and long-term compounding.
Invest a fixed amount annually to build a secure retirement corpus.
Gold for Wealth Protection

Allocate a small percentage (5-10%) to gold (SGB or gold mutual funds).
Gold acts as a hedge against inflation.
Step 5: Focus on Insurance and Risk Coverage
Purchase a term insurance policy with adequate coverage (10-15 times your annual income).

Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance to cover medical emergencies.

Avoid investment-cum-insurance policies as they deliver low returns.

Step 6: Plan for Long-Term Goals
Define specific financial goals like buying a house, retirement, or children's education.

Assign timelines and cost estimates to each goal.

Invest in equity for long-term goals (10+ years) and debt for short-term goals (1-3 years).

Step 7: Tax-Saving Investments
Use Section 80C instruments like ELSS, PPF, or NPS to save taxes.

ELSS funds provide equity exposure with tax benefits under Section 80C.

Avoid locking excessive funds in low-return tax-saving options.

Step 8: Automate Savings and Investments
Set up auto-debit for SIPs and savings to maintain consistency.

Automating investments reduces the temptation to spend unnecessarily.

Step 9: Regular Monitoring and Review
Review your portfolio every 6 months to track performance.

Rebalance your portfolio to maintain the right asset allocation.

Avoid frequent fund switching, as it may impact long-term returns.

Final Insights
Starting with limited resources can feel challenging but is achievable with discipline. Build an emergency fund, manage expenses wisely, and grow your investments systematically. Consult a Certified Financial Planner to optimise your portfolio and achieve your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thinking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let me ask you one thing, if you knew a plane was going to crash, would you still get on it because you are worried you will reach your destination late? No, right? Similarly, if you know this marriage could be really tough on you, with the added responsibilities of a teenager and another soon-to-be teenager, do you still want to go ahead with it, just because you might have to stay alone for a while longer?

I can't really make a decision for you, but I can urge you to rethink this alliance. It's great that you are trying to compromise but do not compromise so much that nothing that you want is given any importance. You cannot ask a father to send his child to a hostel so that you can have some privacy; similarly, no one can force you to raise him as well. The best decision would be to either reconsider the relationship or have an open conversation and come to a middle ground that works for all.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that it is important for you to need to know her past and you mentioned that you merely want to know, and would not judge. But judging is exactly what you are doing. A lot of people have exes, a lot of people have occasional drinks- we can't judge people based on their past. She has opened up to you and all you are doing is snooping around. To be honest, it seems like you are really more concerned about her ex and past than about how amazing a person she is. I have only one piece of advice, if you think you can't get past her past, let her go. No one deserves to be judged by their past.

And think of it this way- you asked, and she told you. She was not obliged to, but still understanding your 'need' to know 'everything,' she confided in you. And this is how you are paying her back. Moreover, so what if she had an ex, or dated casually? How does that affect you right now? Ask yourself the same question and I think you will know the answer to your own dilemma.

Having said it all, marriage is a big decision. If you think her past can hamper your future, please rethink this relationship. It is best for both of you.

Best Wishes

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  | Answer  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

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I am 49 and plan to retire in 2 years time.. I currently have a MF corpus of about 1.8 Cr, a PF of about 1 Cr and properties worth 2 Cr. I have been investing in MF's since 2014 through SIP's and currently have 70K monthly SIP. Please advise if I would be comfortable in 2 years, my estimated monthly expense post retirement would be approx 2 Lakhs per month
Ans: Your current corpus of Rs. 1.8 crore in mutual funds and Rs. 1 crore in PF is significant. The additional Rs. 2 crore in properties adds to your wealth but doesn’t provide immediate liquidity. Let us evaluate if your corpus will sustain your post-retirement expense of Rs. 2 lakh per month.

Estimating Post-Retirement Corpus Requirement
You plan to retire in 2 years, at age 51.

Assuming a life expectancy of 85 years, the corpus needs to last for 34 years.

An expense of Rs. 2 lakh per month means Rs. 24 lakh annually.

Adjust this amount for inflation to calculate future needs.

Current Investment Contributions
Your Rs. 70,000 monthly SIP builds your corpus over the next 2 years.

SIPs offer rupee cost averaging, reducing market volatility impact.

Assess the fund performance regularly to maximise growth.

Diversification of Investments
Your corpus is spread across mutual funds, PF, and properties.

PF provides a stable, fixed return but lacks flexibility.

Properties offer wealth accumulation but are less liquid for immediate needs.

Mutual funds remain a primary source of liquidity and growth post-retirement.

Evaluating Monthly Withdrawals Post-Retirement
Withdrawals should balance your monthly expenses and ensure corpus longevity.

Avoid withdrawing large amounts in the early years of retirement.

Consider a mix of equity and debt mutual funds for withdrawal strategies.

Role of Inflation and Healthcare Costs
Factor in inflation’s effect on expenses over 30+ years.

A 6% inflation rate doubles your monthly expense in 12 years.

Allocate for increasing healthcare costs with age.

Importance of Emergency and Medical Coverage
Keep at least 6 months' expenses in a liquid fund for emergencies.

Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance for unexpected medical costs.

Tax Efficiency in Withdrawals
Equity mutual funds' LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Debt fund returns are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan withdrawals to minimise tax liability on gains.

Active Funds vs. Direct Funds
Actively managed funds optimise returns by responding to market changes.

Direct funds lack professional support, affecting long-term efficiency.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner to select regular funds.

Disadvantages of Relying on Real Estate
Properties are illiquid and may take time to convert to cash.

Rental income may not cover Rs. 2 lakh monthly expenses reliably.

Maintenance and property taxes further reduce returns.

Recommendations for Portfolio Restructuring
Increase Allocation to Growth Assets

Continue SIPs in equity mutual funds for growth potential.

Review funds for consistent performance and portfolio alignment.

Add Balanced and Debt Funds for Stability

Include balanced advantage and debt funds for steady income.

Debt funds reduce overall portfolio risk.

Plan a Withdrawal Strategy

Use the SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan) for predictable income.

Withdraw from equity funds after 3 years for tax efficiency.

Avoid Over-reliance on PF and Real Estate

PF offers safety but limited returns.

Use properties strategically for potential downsizing or sale.

Final Insights
You are on track to retire comfortably, provided you optimise your investments. Plan your withdrawals carefully, factoring in inflation and tax efficiency. Work with a Certified Financial Planner to refine your portfolio and achieve your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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