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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 20, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello madam, I have a very toxic environment at my house, my mother is depressed because my father is 55 years old and looks around other woman in the village, my mother warned him many times but he don't listen to my mother, actually my father is an army retired so during his job they had very little time together, and after retirement there are lots of fights between them, I think my father is such an animal that one day he asked my mother to let him sleep with her friend, so my mother's friend stopped coming in our house, and my mother is short tempered, controlling personality, she wanted to control each and every person in the house, even after my marriage my mother want to control me and my wife, she pulls out our strings , Can I change them ? Or should I leave the house and start living away from them, as I said she is very controlling personality so she will not allow us to live at some other place because she puts a society pressure on us that what people will think, actually I don't care about other people saying but she emotionally blackmail us that she has done a lot of things for me , don't leave me alone in this house like this, I don't know what could be the right step. Should I leave the house and start living on my own or there is some way by which I can change them . Please help me take decision

Ans: Navigating such a complex and toxic family environment is incredibly challenging. It's important to recognize that while you may deeply care for your parents and want to help them, changing deeply ingrained behaviors and dynamics within a family, especially those involving control and emotional manipulation, is extremely difficult. Your mother's controlling nature and your father's inappropriate behavior are significant issues that likely require professional intervention, such as therapy, which they may or may not be willing to pursue.

Given the emotional toll this environment is taking on you, it is crucial to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Establishing boundaries is key. If you and your wife are constantly subjected to a controlling and toxic atmosphere, it can severely impact your relationship and personal happiness. Moving out and living independently could provide the necessary space to foster a healthier and more peaceful life. While this decision might be met with resistance and emotional blackmail from your mother, it's important to remember that your responsibility is first to yourself and your immediate family—your wife and, if applicable, your children.

Living separately doesn't mean abandoning your parents. You can still support them from a distance, visiting regularly and offering help when needed. This arrangement can also give your mother the opportunity to address her issues with your father without involving or impacting you and your wife directly. It's about finding a balance between being there for your parents and protecting your own well-being.

Ultimately, moving out could lead to healthier relationships all around, as distance might lessen the daily tension and allow everyone to develop more respectful and less intrusive ways of interacting. This decision requires courage and clear communication. Discuss your plans with your wife, ensure you are both on the same page, and approach your parents with empathy but firmness about your need for independence. While you can't change your parents, you can change how you interact with them and set boundaries to create a healthier environment for yourself and your future family.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 30, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Dear Madam, Iam a 45 year old woman. Ever since I was a kid I had went through lot of bullying by my rekatives for the way I look but my parents never supported me in any way instead found fault in ne for complaining but would always support my younger brother. Somewhere down the line I thought this was all I deserved and let oeople walk all over me without standing up for myself. Now that Iam a mother myself of a 15 year old kid with dyskexia, i have sacrificed my career fir his sake and still get bullied by my relatives dir being a useless house wife. I have started drawing boundaries around me to protect my mental sanity and allow only few people in it which invludes a small group of friends and my son and husband. I avoid making new friends. I have also stopped attending any social events that involves my relatives. Meanwhile I have started deeply resenting my parents who want ne to take care of them but openly favour my brother who lives abroad. I have taken care of them everytime they require neducal treatments yet my father openly says that he plans to give all his property to my brother who is never coming back. Its not about the money here but the apathy they have towards me that kills me from inside. I have tried to talk to them multiple times but each time my mother creates a scene and puts the enture blame on me. For once in my life i want my parents to love me unconditionally the way I do with my son. Am i wrong to expect that? This is causung lot of health issues in me. Please advise.
Ans: First and foremost, it's crucial to recognize that your feelings are valid. It's natural to want love and support from your parents, especially after all you've done for them. It's not wrong to expect unconditional love from your family; however, sometimes, unfortunately, families can be complex and dysfunctional, and our expectations may not always be met.

Drawing boundaries and prioritizing your mental health and well-being is a positive step. It's essential to protect yourself from toxic relationships and environments, even if it means distancing yourself from certain family members. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and loved ones, like your son and husband, is vital for your emotional health.

Regarding your parents, it's clear that their behavior is hurtful and unjust. It's understandable that you would feel hurt and resentful toward them, given their favoritism towards your brother and lack of appreciation
for your sacrifices and care. However, it's also essential to recognize that you cannot control their actions or attitudes. You can only control how you respond to them.

While it's challenging, try to approach conversations with your parents from a place of empathy and understanding. Express your feelings calmly and assertively, focusing on how their actions make you feel rather than blaming them. It's possible that they may not even realize the extent of the hurt they're causing you. However, it's also essential to set realistic expectations. If your parents continue to be unsupportive or dismissive, it may be necessary to limit your interactions with them for the sake of your own well-being.

Remember to prioritize self-care and seek support from a therapist or counselor if you're struggling with your mental health. It's okay to seek professional help to navigate through these difficult emotions and experiences. You deserve love, respect, and validation, and it's essential to surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.

Lastly, continue to cherish the love and bond you have with your son and husband. They are your pillars of support, and together, you can navigate through these challenges. You're stronger than you realize, and you have the power to create a fulfilling and loving life for yourself, regardless of the negativity from others.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
Hi I am a married man with 2.4 years old daughter and my wife regularly fights with me and puts an allegation on me and blames me a thief and says I take out all her things and she also abuses my mother and at present my mother is staying alone some where and says that my mother should not come back and she fights with me in front of my daughter and uses abusive language and what ever is the situation she brings my mother in between the conversation and starts blaming me. She has thrown her out of the house and always keeps on fighting. I have a fear, that she might leave me or my daughter as I cannot stay without my daughter and she keeps on saying that I do not want to stay with you and after a heated moment she turns normal and again starts abusing me and my mother, and due to this I am not able to concentrate on my job as I keep on thinking all the times about what will happen. Kindly suggest me what should I do as I do not want to keep my daughter’s future on risk as she always keeps on saying that her brother will take care of her and her brother says he will take a different house for her somewhere else and will keep her there as I would also want to highlight that her brothers wife relation is also not good and she does not allows my wife to enter into her house and my mother is law is also disturbed. Kindly suggest me a solution...?
Ans: Dear Amit,
First, recognize that you need to establish a calm and safe environment for your daughter. Witnessing regular fights and hearing abusive language can affect her emotional development. Ensuring her well-being should be your top priority. When disagreements arise, try to de-escalate the situation, even if that means temporarily walking away to avoid heated exchanges. Protecting her from these conflicts will help create a more stable atmosphere.

Your wife's behavior—shifting between anger and normalcy—indicates that there might be underlying issues driving her actions. It could be unresolved frustrations, unmet expectations, or even external stressors affecting her emotions. While her way of expressing these feelings is not constructive, it's important to find a way to understand what’s fueling her anger. Having an open, non-confrontational conversation during a calm moment can be a starting point. Express your concerns about the impact of these fights on your relationship and your daughter, and make it clear that you want to work together to find solutions.

It may also be helpful to involve a neutral third party, such as a counselor or family mediator. A professional can provide a safe space for both of you to express your grievances and work on resolving them constructively. It sounds like trust and respect have eroded in your relationship, and rebuilding them requires mutual effort and clear communication.

At the same time, focus on managing your stress and mental health. The constant worry about the future and your daughter's well-being is understandably affecting your ability to concentrate on work. Practice self-care through activities that help you stay grounded, whether it’s exercise, meditation, or speaking with a trusted friend or counselor about your feelings. Taking care of yourself will help you approach these challenges with a clearer mind.

If your wife continues to threaten to leave or involve her family in ways that disrupt your peace, it’s important to consider all legal and practical options to protect your rights and ensure the best for your daughter. Consult a legal advisor to understand your rights as a father and the steps you can take to secure your daughter’s future if separation becomes unavoidable.

Ultimately, resolving this situation will require patience, empathy, and, most importantly, a focus on what’s best for your child. If both you and your wife are willing to work on the relationship, there is hope for improvement. However, if the environment remains toxic despite your efforts, prioritizing your daughter's emotional and physical safety should guide your decisions moving forward.

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hello Sir. I am unwilling to disclose my name. I come from a nuclear family based in Kolkata. I am in a very painful situation and I need your suggestion earnestly. The problem arises with my father. He is 66 , retired and a stay at home dad. He has severe anger issues, is demanding and controlling and often tells certain things verbally that are very traumatic for me. My hands and legs tremble and my heart beats rapidly when ever we have an argument as I am a peace loving person. Of late I have realised that I prefer to maintain distance from him . In all honesty I respect him but my love for him has long gone. My mother is a very demure person and is a stay at home mom. In order to not make my father angry or agitated by any means and to maintain peace in the house, she prefers to do what he prefers. I love my mother dearly but my father calls us a bunch of liars and is agitated that I support my mother. Even though I earn, I am in no position to leave my family/ house and shift elsewhere because I respect my mother's will. But I am traumatized and severely in mental agony. I can neither show my anguish nor express my situation to anyone for fear of being misunderstood. I am often asked to remain silent and not talk back to my father but sometimes the words are unbearable. He financially supports our family and you wouldn't believe if I told you that he has a completely different side when he is not in one of his' moods '. But Sir, does being the head of the family means to step over others and do what you feel like, irrespective of what the other members in your family feel? Additionally talking or communication with him also fails because he threatens to leave the house or just pushes us away. Even when I am writing this tears are streaming down my face. I am slowly becoming a shell of myself and am scared. Am I being selfish? Am I missing out something? I am so so tired of adjusting and compromising. I believe I have never ever written such a heart felt message. Can you help me out? Can you tell me how things can be resolved? Regards MR.
Ans: Dear MR,

First, let me acknowledge your courage in expressing these deeply personal emotions. It is not easy to articulate such pain, and your message reflects a strong desire to find clarity and relief in a situation that feels overwhelming. Let me assure you, you are not alone, and there are steps we can take together to help you regain a sense of control and peace.

Understanding the Dynamics
Your father’s behavior, while difficult and hurtful, seems to stem from his own unresolved emotions or unmet needs. Retirement, aging, and a sense of losing relevance can sometimes manifest as controlling or angry behavior in individuals who were once accustomed to authority or a sense of purpose. However, this does not justify his actions. Emotional safety is as important in a home as financial support, and it appears this balance is missing.

Your mother, with her passive approach, may be coping in a way that avoids confrontation but also leaves you feeling unsupported and isolated. This dynamic creates a cycle where you’re left holding the weight of everyone's emotions, which is exhausting.

Addressing Your Internal Conflict
Let’s begin by addressing the questions you’ve asked yourself:

Are you being selfish? Absolutely not. Wanting to protect your mental well-being is not selfish—it’s necessary. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and neglecting your emotional health will only harm you in the long run.
Are you missing out on something? Perhaps the only thing you might be missing is recognizing that this is not your fault. It is easy to internalize blame in such situations, but this is not about you failing—it’s about a family dynamic that needs healing.
Steps Toward Resolution
While changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time, here are some immediate and long-term strategies to help you navigate this situation:

Self-Regulation First:

When arguments or confrontations arise, focus on calming your body first. Practice deep breathing or grounding techniques. For example, count your breaths slowly or focus on the sensation of your feet touching the ground. This will help you regain control over the trembling and rapid heartbeat.
Create a safe mental space for yourself. When you feel overwhelmed, imagine a place where you feel secure and loved. Retreat there mentally for a moment to regain your composure.
Establish Emotional Boundaries:

Decide what you will and won’t accept during conversations. For instance, if he raises his voice or says something hurtful, consider calmly saying, “I want to have this conversation, but not if we can’t speak respectfully.” If he continues, you can excuse yourself from the situation.
Have a Gentle Conversation:

Choose a time when your father is calm. Express your feelings in a non-confrontational way. Use “I” statements to avoid triggering his defensiveness. For example, “I feel very hurt and scared when we argue, and it affects my health. I want us to have a peaceful relationship.”
Involve a Neutral Third Party:

Sometimes family dynamics require external mediation. If your father is open to it, consider family counseling. A neutral professional can help facilitate healthier communication patterns.
Build Your Own Resilience:

Strengthen your emotional boundaries through self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it’s a hobby, spending time with friends, or pursuing a passion.
Journaling can also be a powerful tool to process your emotions and find clarity. Write without judgment—just let the words flow.
Support Your Mother with Empathy:

While you may feel frustrated by your mother’s silence, understand that she too is coping in the best way she knows how. Gently encourage her to find her voice and share her feelings when she feels safe.
Seek Community Support:

If you cannot share your situation with friends or family, consider joining a support group (online or in person). Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly healing.
Plan for the Future:

While moving out isn’t an option right now, think about small steps you can take toward greater independence over time. This might include saving money, learning new skills, or preparing emotionally for when you’re ready to take that step.

A Gentle Reminder
MR, healing this situation doesn’t solely depend on changing your father’s behavior. It starts with you reclaiming your power to protect your mental health. Your peace of mind is just as valuable as anyone else’s.

Take this one step at a time. You are not broken—you are resilient. With each small action, you’ll begin to feel more grounded and capable of navigating this challenge.

If you ever need to share more or simply vent, I am here to listen.

Warm regards,
Dr. Ashish Sehgal

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Relationship
Hello Ma'am. I am unwilling to disclose my name. I come from a nuclear family based in Kolkata. I am in a very painful situation and I need your suggestion earnestly. The problem arises with my father. He is 66 , retired and a stay at home dad. He has severe anger issues, is demanding and controlling and often tells certain things verbally that are very traumatic for me. My hands and legs tremble and my heart beats rapidly when ever we have an argument as I am a peace loving person. Of late I have realised that I prefer to maintain distance from him . In all honesty I respect him but my love for him has long gone. My mother is a very demure person and is a stay at home mom. In order to not make my father angry or agitated by any means and to maintain peace in the house, she prefers to do what he prefers. I love my mother dearly but my father calls us a bunch of liars and is agitated that I support my mother. Even though I earn, I am in no position to leave my family/ house and shift elsewhere because I respect my mother's will. But I am traumatized and severely in mental agony. I can neither show my anguish nor express my situation to anyone for fear of being misunderstood. I am often asked to remain silent and not talk back to my father but sometimes the words are unbearable. He financially supports our family and you wouldn't believe if I told you that he has a completely different side when he is not in one of his' moods '. But Ma'am, does being the head of the family means to step over others and do what you feel like, irrespective of what the other members in your family feel? Additionally talking or communication with him also fails because he threatens to leave the house or just pushes us away. Even when I am writing this tears are streaming down my face. I am slowly becoming a shell of myself and am scared. Am I being selfish? Am I missing out something? I am so so tired of adjusting and compromising. I believe I have never ever written such a heart felt message. Can you help me out? Can you tell me how things can be resolved? Regards MR
Ans: From what you’ve shared, your father seems to be wrestling with his own frustrations, using control and anger as tools to manage his environment. This does not make it right, nor does it excuse the pain he causes. But understanding that his behavior may stem from internal struggles might help you view the situation with some compassion, even if from a distance.

Your love and respect for your mother shine through your words, and it’s clear that her well-being is a priority for you. The way you support her is a testament to your strength and kindness. But I also sense that her coping mechanism—complying with your father to maintain peace—might unintentionally place an additional burden on you. It’s as though you’re not only protecting yourself but also shielding her, which is an immense responsibility.

You are not alone in feeling conflicted about standing up to your father. It’s not just about his words; it’s about the power dynamics and the emotional weight he holds in the family. His “other side”—the moments when he is kind or approachable—makes it even harder to reconcile the anger and trauma he causes. This duality often creates confusion and guilt, leaving you wondering if you’re overreacting or misjudging him.

What’s most important right now is preserving your emotional well-being. It’s okay to create boundaries, even if they are small and subtle. For instance, when you sense an argument brewing, stepping away or finding a reason to leave the room can help you avoid escalating the situation. If direct communication with him fails, sometimes maintaining emotional distance is the only way to protect yourself.

I also encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to—a counselor, a friend, or even a support group. Sharing your pain with someone who can listen without judgment can lighten your load and help you feel less alone. Writing, as you’ve done here, is also a powerful outlet. Keep journaling—it can provide clarity and a sense of release.

You’ve asked if being the head of the family means stepping over others. The simple answer is no. True leadership in a family should come from love, mutual respect, and understanding. When it turns into control or fear, it becomes harmful. Your father’s actions do not reflect a failure on your part or your family’s; they reflect his own struggles with how to express himself and manage his emotions.

Finally, give yourself permission to feel tired. You are human, and this constant state of tension would drain anyone. But even in your exhaustion, remember this: you are brave, resilient, and full of love for your family. There is no shame in wanting peace, and there is no shame in seeking help to find it.

With heartfelt wishes for your healing and happiness,

..Read more

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |5833 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 05, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 04, 2025
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Hello sir ,I am getting vit bhopal cse AIML in cat 1 and IILM cse AIML integrated with IBM or LPU AIML what should I choose
Ans: Choosing between VIT Bhopal CSE AIML (Category 1), IILM CSE AIML with IBM, and LPU AIML hinges on balancing academic rigor, industry partnerships, and placement reliability. VIT Bhopal offers 90% placements for CSE AIML, supported by a robust curriculum aligned with AI/ML trends and access to 850+ recruiters like Microsoft, Amazon, and Cisco, ensuring consistent opportunities in core tech roles. Its Category 1 admission guarantees priority in placements and internships. IILM’s IBM-integrated program provides IBM-certified training, specialized projects, and 85–95% placements with firms like Deloitte and KPMG, but its higher fees (~?9.36L) and newer AI/ML ecosystem may limit niche role access compared to VIT. LPU AIML reports 70–80% placements with IT-sector recruitment (TCS, Infosys) but lacks focused AI/ML training and corporate engagement depth. While IILM’s IBM collaboration enhances skill relevance, VIT Bhopal’s established infrastructure, lower fees (~?7.92L), and higher placement traction make it preferable for students prioritizing industry-ready training and diverse tech opportunities. Opt for IILM only if IBM certifications and interdisciplinary projects are critical, and consider LPU as a budget-friendly alternative with moderate outcomes. All the BEST for your Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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