Hi, Sorry, my story is long.
I'm 43 years old. My life's been on a crazy downside since the last 3 years. I lost my job a year before Covid.
I worked with my last company for over 10 years. In my initial phase I developed and introduced a high-tech animated presentation that the sales team used.
This gave my career a boost quickly and I got timely promotions, more responsibilities.
I worked 12-18 hours on many occasions. When my boss came to know that my wife and I are going to have a baby, he even gave me an advance appraisal. From earning 3 lakhs a year, my last drawn salary was 21 lakhs a year.
Things were going good until I was diagnosed with diabetes. It gave me a real scare and I started taking all the precautionary measures like timely food, timely workout and my focus on the job was only as much as it was needed. I couldn't go overboard working 12-18 hours like I used to. This didn't go down with many of my seniors and especially my boss.
I remember, initially he gave me a long-term work from home opportunity. That too was going well but suddenly it was stopped as many colleagues started asking for the same and the company was not ready for this change on a large scale back then.
By then the company had ventured into too many online businesses and verticals and they got me to hire 40-45 designers.
Suddenly they realized that handling so many things wasn't working for them as the profit margins decreased. Now they wanted me to fire people on the basis of performance. Unwantedly I had to do that. Laying off people who were marginally falling short than others was bad.
In between one of the incidents I saw my boss yell at me for no reason. He wanted the team to source a large number of images for the website. He had verbally asked me to utilize everyone on the floor to get the job done. Me being me, I wrote an e-mail officially assigning small tasks to a number of people on the floor. However there was no formal communication from the boss that gave me authority over others and to get others who were not a part of my team to get involved in that project. This was not an easy task as his perspective and other people's perspectives didn't match. The job went on slow and my boss got angry. He came to my cabin and gave me a big scare using foul language which must have been audible even outside to others. And mind you I was not at fault. This incident made me scared and doubtful of myself.
I could never face my boss again. Whenever he was in office I would not come face to face with him.
My interaction with him soon became zero. The appraisals were below par. The amount of work I used to get, got diverted to my juniors directly, bypassing me. And soon they asked to resign. I got 3 months compensation. But, after that, I couldn't really find another job as I feel I am not capable of handling stuff. I feel I will fail. I have tried to psyche myself into positivity but I can't.
While I have noticed that as a freelancer, I have successfully handled many projects in the past 4 years and clients have been happy. It's only that I am very uncomfortable working in an office environment. That corporate culture for me is like a HORROR movie. Now the scenario is such that my projects in hand have reduced. I think I don't have the business acumen. It's becoming tougher to find new clients. I have applied to literally 1000 places but no one's taking the GAP in the jobs well. That's my guess. I'm more of a hands-on worker than a manager so I also applied for junior positions but I've had literally no luck.
My wife has throughout these 4 years supported me and my freelance ventures. We have one kid who's 11 years old and can understand the situation even without us explaining it to him.
When we got married, my mother-in-law was much older than my parents were, we decided to stay with her initially and it's been 14 years since we started staying here. We save on rent.
Things were good when I had a well-paying job but now my wife's had to shell out a lot for the day-to-day expenses. Now, she keeps asking why I am unable to find a job. How much is she going to have to shell out?
My savings have depleted, now hers too. I am ashamed of asking her to pay for stuff every month but my situation makes it compulsory. I have two loan EMIs, and our monthly expenses which we pay through credit card usually. But I don't have adequate income. Somehow, my wife thinks that the kind of lifestyle she has always led and what she has visualized is something she'll have to stick to. Even though we stay in a bungalow, the finances are not exactly alright. The colony where we live is full of crorepatis and my wife thinks that she has to maintain her lifestyle otherwise the kids outside will not be fair to our kid. They will tease him. The kids here are such that they compare a lot -- your house, my house, your car, my car etc.
Of late we have been fighting a lot. She's always been stressed with my joblessness, my son's studies. She ends up scolding him too much and generally remains in a bad mood. I won't hide the fact that I have faced a lot of insults lately and some of them in front of my kid. Basically whenever my wife and I have an argument, she always ends it by mentioning the amount of money she has spent on the family and my joblessness. Add to it the fact that I am staying at her place. I can never have any further argument. It's like her Brahmastra.
I used to be very patient when things were fine. Now, even I get agitated in no time.
I'm one confused soul at the moment. I'm not outgoing, I'm very shy when it comes to new people. I've been watching a lot of videos about gaining self-confidence. But practical things do not really work out the way I think. My freelance venture failed. My e-commerce venture failed. Basically whatever I do, fails. It's that kind of a phase in my life when everything just goes wrong. I'm not a suicidal person and I want to spend a lot of time with my family yet. I'm just not sure now what to do. How to get my confidence back? Is there a thing called bad luck? Is this spiritual? Will things ever come back to normal?
P.S. I have personally spoken to many people in my friends’ circle and clients circle and told them that I am looking for a job. Hoping that something materializes. But in the meantime, whatever I wrote above are things that I can't speak about to anyone.
P.S.2 There's a pattern. My father was jobless after 40. So am I. He struggled a lot in his life and did whatever he could to give us the best. I'm trying hard too but I feel I am losing it. I don't want my child to face these kinds of things in his future. I hope this bad luck doesn't pass on.