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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 07, 2024Hindi
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My sister is married to a jerk. He is lazy, lives off my sister's income and doesn't really care about their children. My sister doesn't want to divorce him for fear it will upset our parents. Please advise how I can convince her that she is better off single than living with this loser.

Ans: It's understandable that you want to help your sister. However, it's important to remember that ultimately, the decision to stay in or leave a relationship is up to the individual. Here are some things you can do to support your sister:

1. Listen to her: Encourage your sister to share her feelings and thoughts about her marriage. Listen to her without judgment and offer support.

2. Empower her: Help your sister recognize her own strengths and abilities. Encourage her to take control of her life and make decisions that are best for her and her children.

3. Provide resources: Share resources with your sister that can help her make informed decisions about her marriage. For example, you can share articles or books about healthy relationships, or connect her with a therapist or counselor who can help her work through her feelings.

4. Be patient: Remember that change takes time. Be patient with your sister and offer support throughout the process.

It's important to respect your sister's decision and not pressure her into making a choice she's not ready to make.
Ultimately, she knows what's best for her and her family.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1287 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2022

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Dear Anu,Hope you are doing well!I happened to read few of your articles on family issues hence thought of seeking advice on a very complicated family issue of mine.This is going to be really big email... sorry I badly need help!My elder sister is married for close to 8 years now.It's an arranged marriage and she is married to very big family of three sisters and two brothers....My sister's husband been the last one in the family...Since Day One of the marriage her sisters-in-law would interfere in every little thing that happens in my sister's and her husband's life. Literally everything and her life is miserable now...These three ladies never let his elder brother's wife as well to stay with her husband and now she lives separately fearing his sisters. And it's the same with my sister's life as well.It is an arranged marriage with an age gap of 10 years between my sister and her husband... Since Day One he would pick up silly fights with my sister and emotionally blackmail her... I'm not sure if he was really into the marriage.... He always complains about my sister, ill-treats her and constantly keep asking her to divorce him.He listens to his sisters and humiliates her.My parents have been looking after my sister's needs even after marriage -- phone recharges, dresses and even sanitary napkins. He has never spent money for my sister's basic needs.She has to do all house chores like washing, mopping and cleaning.... And his sister will just cook and leave... they have never let my sister to cook but complain to everyone that she doesn't want to do house chores.I have seen my sister (when I stayed with her for two days just see what was happening in the house) she wakes up at 4 am to sweep the garden mess which is close to half an acre. Then mop the house, wash vessels and clothes. She will be exhausted by the time she finishes all the work and when she finally sits to eat, the in-laws will taunt her and she has starved without eating for days.When she discussed this with her husband, he'd ignore or argue with her not to say anything bad about his sisters.Our upbringing back home was very different. We grew up around house helps who helped us with chores but my sister didn't complain about that as well. She said ‘in laws’ house is way different than mom's place.' It hurts to see my sister this way.All his three sisters rarely stay at their homes, instead they prefer staying at my sister's place and cause troubles between the husband and wife.He treats my sister like a slave.If she doesn't do what he asks her to do he says 'sign the divorce papers and leave.'According to him, my sister should never visit her mom's place. If she has to visit, she has to seek his permission and he will decide whether she can go or not and for how many days. If she stays back a day longer, he would pick up a fight. Even if he is in a different city she has to stay at her in-laws place.He works in army as a subhedhar. We have huge respect for people in the Army, that's the reason my sister was married to him despite the difference in age.And when my sister first gave birth to her son he said the most cruel thing any man could say. She had a C-section so he said, You are lame, you haven't done anything big or great, you had an operation, you easily cut open and gave birth. What pain do you think you have when you give birth in anesthesia?He would humiliate her in front of family members and friends, colleagues...We have advised her to leave him, find a job, to look after herself and the kids. We will support her. But she is not confident enough. She is so used to being dependent that she is scared of taking the big step fearing her kids’ future.She has been tolerating him more than any human can tolerate also because she is financially dependent on him.She has two kids, aged six and three.If she divorces him, she is worried about the kids’ schooling.As he is in the Army he will be moving to different cities every two years.In these 8 years of marriage, they have hardly been together for a year or more.He never took her to any deputed locations. She has to stay here in Kolar with her in-laws and he would visit her annually. My sister has to bear the brunt of the entire family.He will call my sister only if his sister permits, otherwise he will stay without calling her for months.My parents were also bearing all of his attitude for a few years until things went out of hand. Even after having 2 kids his attitude didn’t change.So my parents had to intervene.This pathetic man would find millions of ways to torture my sister mentally and physically.She was a silent and reserved kid in our family. Now she is so used to his behaviour that she is okay to live with him just for the sake of her kids. We are not that well off. My dad is a retired official who gets very little money as pension. So my parents are worried who will take care of her and kids after them if in case we file a divorce. Will alimony work here?There is no peace in our family.My parents are old and struggling with their health issues. And now there is so much of mental pressure due to all of this.After so much struggle and arguments, he finally took my sister with him to his current deputed location for 6 to 8 months. Again upon his sisters’ insistence he left his 6 year old kid with his sister and family and forced my sister to come with him or sign the divorce papers.And my foolish sister who didn't know what to do left her 6 year old kid with his sister in law family and went with her husband taking the another kid. Now she is crying day and night thinking about her kid.I went on with a huge argument with him asking what is the need for a child to leave his parents and study at his aunt's place. Since he is in the Army, changing schools should not be so difficult; he is your own kid and blood. How can you leave him alone there? He said, ‘My son will study wherever I ask him to.’When I asked him why he forced my sister to come with him leaving the kid with his sisters, he used cuss words and asked me to mind my own business. I lost my cool and said that he is acting brainless. He reminded me that he is the Army and no one can do anything to him. He said I could raise a complaint and cut the call.Now he has set rules that no one should visit or see his son. When my parents went to visit their own grandchild recently, his sisters did not allow them.I have been telling my parents to lodge a complaint against this man. But my parents feel that he is their son in law. Anything we do would affect my sister's life and brushed it aside. They’d rather convince my sister and send her back to live with the pyscho.Now they have realised and are repenting for not complaining about him earlier.Please advise us how to move further because whoever we consulted regarding this told us that we cannot complain about this. Only my sister can complain. She is scared of him and fears to lodge a complaint. She is in a different city now and wouldn't be able to do so.Is that right? Can't a grieving parent, grandparent or sister like me who is worried to the core about her sister's and cousins life complain against this saddest man?Is divorce advisable in this case or are we overdoing it? Should we lodge a police complaint? Can we write to his superior?It is possible that he might file a defamation case against us?I literally have no clue what to do or where to seek help. Please help me save my sister from this pathetic marriage.Awaiting your response.
Ans:

Dear ST,

If you and your parents know what has been going on, why did you not think of lodging a police complaint against your sister’s husband and his family for mental harassment?

What exactly are you waiting for?

Your sister has become used to this misery and sometimes this misery is familiar, and women are willing to put up with it for fear of societal backlash and being a burden on parents.

Which family separates a mother from a child?

Which family entertains the interference of sisters-in-law so much? I am unable to still understand why they would do such a thing.

And to top it all, our country has a huge mass of parents who believe that a daughter once married is the property of her husband. Which only means that he and his family can ill-treat her the way they wish, and the parents cite an excuse of being old and having no money to take care of her if she comes back.

Please, my humble appeal to each parent who have daughters crying out for help…bring them back home; at least they will have a chance to live and live a dignified life. She is still your daughter.

What if she wasn’t married? Would your parents throw all their children out saying that they are poor?

The reason your sister is hesitating to leave the man is perhaps she feels like a burden to your parents.

The first step is to become her strength by welcoming her back; society and her husbands’ family can be taken care of.

Hire a good lawyer who can take care of legal matters if it goes the divorce way.

Divorce or not is your sister and her husband’s decision.

Let her have some time away from her husband and his family. It might help her gain some objectivity and make a wise decision.

So, first you and your parents welcome her back…the rest can wait.

All the best!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 05, 2023

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Dear Madam I am a mother of 24 year daughter. She studied in a reputed school with convent background till class XII. After that she went to Bangalore to study Mass comm but came back to her home town. Here again she got admitted to a new college but due to influence of drugs she could not continue. However she is out of that now. In 2020 she fell for a guy who is two years older and started living with him separately without our consent .She was working with a tier 1 IT company then and later she was asked to leave due to attentdance. After that she joined many company but could not continue. Though the guy work sometimes but the main point is he beats her up. Many times she came out but again she goes back saying she cant leave him. She has 5 dogs. Recently also something happened and her friends from canada called me . We asked her to come back but then later she backed out. We are afraid that we might lose her. We are just clueless what to do. How to convince her as she never listened to us. She is our only daughter and me and my husband are working parents.
Ans: Dear Nibedita,



I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're facing with your daughter. It's understandable to feel helpless and unsure about what to do next.

First and foremost, it's important to remember that your daughter is an adult, and ultimately, it's her decision on what choices she makes. However, as her parents, you can still offer support and guidance to help her make the best decisions for her well-being.

It's concerning to hear that your daughter is in an abusive relationship, and it's crucial to ensure that she understands the gravity of the situation. One option is to speak with a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who can provide insight on how to approach the topic and offer guidance on how to support her.

Additionally, it may be helpful to reach out to organizations that specialize in supporting victims of domestic abuse. They can provide resources and advice on how to deal with the situation and can even offer assistance in finding a safe place for your daughter and her pets.

It's important to maintain open communication with your daughter and let her know that you're there for her, no matter what. Try to avoid blaming or shaming her for her choices, as this can further isolate her from seeking help. Instead, express your concern and offer to assist her in finding a solution that works for her.

Ultimately, it's essential to prioritize your daughter's safety and well-being, even if it means taking difficult steps such as seeking legal action or involving authorities.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1287 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2024Hindi
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Hi, My sister was married in 2020. her relationship with her husband was good. He used to come late at home and talk to someone for long hours but was very loving to my sister all the time. My sister became pregnant and during that time she came to our home. She was here for almost 10months during which her husband would visit occassionally. Post delivery, my sister was finding it difficult to manage since this was her first child. this her husband never understood and started flirting with another girl and when confronted, he would just say that he had no intention to get involved with that woman, that woman was like her sister. Later when my sister confronted him he refused to answer anything and would just leave the room. Later this matter was informed to his father who disapproved of his behaviour initially and later started supporting him for his behaviour. my sister tried everything that was possible to reconcile. She even told him to forget everything and start new but she just doesnt understand and still behaves in the same way. Now my sister has come to my home again but still he doesnt realise his mistake and doesnt even take any step to reconcile. Please guide what to do? She has a 1 year old girl. please share your opinion. i have tried everything possible even spoke to his father but he is also adamant that its not his fault.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What can be done if the father also supports his son in an act of this nature?
It is time to involve the elders in your family to subtly put pressure on your sister's in-laws. Anyone in their sane sense will care for their reputation and if your sister's husband has an ounce of it left, he will do something to change paths.
If he doesn't and is still supported by his father and continues to be involved with women, then maybe you need to think of drastic steps to secure your sister and her little child's future. It will be a battle if you send her back home now and to manage all that with a little child is not easy.
So, before asking her to go back to her husband, cover all the loose ends which will make it safe and secure for your sister and her baby. If you see anything that will trouble her, then solve that part first...
If the in-laws are adamant, get your side of the elders to push back gently and then watch what happens.
Through all this, let your job be to strengthen your sister in terms of her mind; her baby is dependent on her well-being, so guide her to become self-reliant and mentally strong. It will be a big gift that you give her as a sister...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1287 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

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Mam I'm 27 and my partner is 30 , yes he is in good financial position, his family becakground is like us normal middle class jatt family and we are from teaching background brahman family, I have talked to them again last week they are saying he is low caste then us that's why they can't do that and also my sister think he is not good choice for me because his family live in village kind off area but they live in Agra normal area not like proper villages and he is not even forcing me to live there he is saying we will going to live in city because I have to work also and he is working he is saving up for buying flat for both of us , he is very understanding, suddenly today I know my sister say so many bad things about he used to do in college, she is married and they know each other from college but they were not close at all . My sister think they are not wealthy enough and my parents don't know that, now my mother knows I don't know what to do now , im going to talk to my mom about this situation. Please suggest how to talk to them to change there mind about casteism
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is not easy to change anyone's mind about a firm belief like caste, religion etc.
As I have mentioned earlier, you both have a huge task ahead of addressing your parents' concerns. Obviously, your parents are worried about their financial status and living conditions...
Address these concerns/worries first rather than trying to convince them. The roots cause must be in focus...just do that first...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1287 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu Mam Im 27 yrs old ( married) and 10 yrs old daughter. Im seperated from my husband since 2 yrs due to several reasons like he is drinking and Totally addicted to it. And he is totally dependent and now today also roaming on the roads of some streets of hyd. I belongs to an orthdox family. Now the question is one backward caste man who is married age : 33 he is interested in me and proposed me to a marriage after knowing all my past and saying that he accepts my child too. And the thing is he said a lie to me at first that he is unmarried and even though i had a good impression on him about the way he behaves with me he even treat me in a very polite manner. He says he loves me even though i too had a good impression but the things are the castes and can we both settle down with a marriage can we be happy or he is only trying to convince me to get him a wife to care care of him or only for his parents, he always talks about his own sister and also the office colleagues calls them sister and get emotional about them those who left the office. And he cries a lot which i dont trust on him and the face i see him that was not an real cry that looks like an act which i dont like in him. May he is acting ? Or really loving me, ge cares alot i feel like he is over reacting
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you are in doubt, then it's highly likely that he is putting on an act. Go with your intuition and hey hey, you said that he is married and so are you...You do realize that you just can't go ahead and marry while you are already to other people, right?
Focus on what's happening in your life; you obviously have to do something about it...Other relationships can wait!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1287 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 06, 2024Hindi
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Hello Ms Anu, I am a 42yr female..married since 14 yrs and have 10yr old son . I am highly qualified and financially independent. My marriage was a arranged one.. but in these 14 yrs.. I never experienced love or and attachment from my husband's side. He is a family man.. there is no other woman involved..He loves his parents and his two sisters immensely... but always treats me as a option. I feel humiliated and lonely and he has short temper when i talk about this issue... so basically I don't discuss... but that is no solution... I am suffering and unhappy. What should I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
A few married men can be more focused on the women on their side of the family; it becomes easy to express love, care and attention to them as he has grown with them.
A wife happens to be someone that he is yet to understand. It requires effort to make a marriage work; your husband finds it convenient to take the easy way out and 'hang out' with his family.
So, here you take the lead and start. Start not by bringing forth your complaints as this is going to push him further to them which is going to annoy you BUT by inviting him to be with you. A lot of work, I get it...but the bottom line: that's what you want, right?
Plan dates evenings, take short vacations together, work-out together...the key is to establish a connection which never had its chance in the first place...So, give your best shot! Most times actions speak louder than words ever can...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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