Dear Anu,
Hope you are doing well!
I happened to read few of your articles on family issues hence thought of seeking advice on a very complicated family issue of mine.
This is going to be really big email... sorry I badly need help!
My elder sister is married for close to 8 years now.
It's an arranged marriage and she is married to very big family of three sisters and two brothers....
My sister's husband been the last one in the family...
Since Day One of the marriage her sisters-in-law would interfere in every little thing that happens in my sister's and her husband's life. Literally everything and her life is miserable now...
These three ladies never let his elder brother's wife as well to stay with her husband and now she lives separately fearing his sisters. And it's the same with my sister's life as well.
It is an arranged marriage with an age gap of 10 years between my sister and her husband...
Since Day One he would pick up silly fights with my sister and emotionally blackmail her...
I'm not sure if he was really into the marriage.... He always complains about my sister, ill-treats her and constantly keep asking her to divorce him.
He listens to his sisters and humiliates her.
My parents have been looking after my sister's needs even after marriage -- phone recharges, dresses and even sanitary napkins.
He has never spent money for my sister's basic needs.
She has to do all house chores like washing, mopping and cleaning.... And his sister will just cook and leave... they have never let my sister to cook but complain to everyone that she doesn't want to do house chores.
I have seen my sister (when I stayed with her for two days just see what was happening in the house) she wakes up at 4 am to sweep the garden mess which is close to half an acre. Then mop the house, wash vessels and clothes.
She will be exhausted by the time she finishes all the work and when she finally sits to eat, the in-laws will taunt her and she has starved without eating for days.
When she discussed this with her husband, he'd ignore or argue with her not to say anything bad about his sisters.
Our upbringing back home was very different. We grew up around house helps who helped us with chores but my sister didn't complain about that as well. She said ‘in laws’ house is way different than mom's place.' It hurts to see my sister this way.
All his three sisters rarely stay at their homes, instead they prefer staying at my sister's place and cause troubles between the husband and wife.
He treats my sister like a slave.
If she doesn't do what he asks her to do he says 'sign the divorce papers and leave.'
According to him, my sister should never visit her mom's place. If she has to visit, she has to seek his permission and he will decide whether she can go or not and for how many days. If she stays back a day longer, he would pick up a fight. Even if he is in a different city she has to stay at her in-laws place.
He works in army as a subhedhar. We have huge respect for people in the Army, that's the reason my sister was married to him despite the difference in age.
And when my sister first gave birth to her son he said the most cruel thing any man could say.
She had a C-section so he said, You are lame, you haven't done anything big or great, you had an operation, you easily cut open and gave birth.
What pain do you think you have when you give birth in anesthesia?
He would humiliate her in front of family members and friends, colleagues...
We have advised her to leave him, find a job, to look after herself and the kids. We will support her. But she is not confident enough. She is so used to being dependent that she is scared of taking the big step fearing her kids’ future.
She has been tolerating him more than any human can tolerate also because she is financially dependent on him.
She has two kids, aged six and three.
If she divorces him, she is worried about the kids’ schooling.
As he is in the Army he will be moving to different cities every two years.
In these 8 years of marriage, they have hardly been together for a year or more.
He never took her to any deputed locations. She has to stay here in Kolar with her in-laws and he would visit her annually. My sister has to bear the brunt of the entire family.
He will call my sister only if his sister permits, otherwise he will stay without calling her for months.
My parents were also bearing all of his attitude for a few years until things went out of hand. Even after having 2 kids his attitude didn’t change.
So my parents had to intervene.
This pathetic man would find millions of ways to torture my sister mentally and physically.
She was a silent and reserved kid in our family. Now she is so used to his behaviour that she is okay to live with him just for the sake of her kids. We are not that well off. My dad is a retired official who gets very little money as pension. So my parents are worried who will take care of her and kids after them if in case we file a divorce. Will alimony work here?
There is no peace in our family.
My parents are old and struggling with their health issues. And now there is so much of mental pressure due to all of this.
After so much struggle and arguments, he finally took my sister with him to his current deputed location for 6 to 8 months. Again upon his sisters’ insistence he left his 6 year old kid with his sister and family and forced my sister to come with him or sign the divorce papers.
And my foolish sister who didn't know what to do left her 6 year old kid with his sister in law family and went with her husband taking the another kid. Now she is crying day and night thinking about her kid.
I went on with a huge argument with him asking what is the need for a child to leave his parents and study at his aunt's place. Since he is in the Army, changing schools should not be so difficult; he is your own kid and blood. How can you leave him alone there? He said, ‘My son will study wherever I ask him to.’
When I asked him why he forced my sister to come with him leaving the kid with his sisters, he used cuss words and asked me to mind my own business. I lost my cool and said that he is acting brainless. He reminded me that he is the Army and no one can do anything to him. He said I could raise a complaint and cut the call.
Now he has set rules that no one should visit or see his son. When my parents went to visit their own grandchild recently, his sisters did not allow them.
I have been telling my parents to lodge a complaint against this man. But my parents feel that he is their son in law. Anything we do would affect my sister's life and brushed it aside. They’d rather convince my sister and send her back to live with the pyscho.
Now they have realised and are repenting for not complaining about him earlier.
Please advise us how to move further because whoever we consulted regarding this told us that we cannot complain about this. Only my sister can complain. She is scared of him and fears to lodge a complaint. She is in a different city now and wouldn't be able to do so.
Is that right? Can't a grieving parent, grandparent or sister like me who is worried to the core about her sister's and cousins life complain against this saddest man?
Is divorce advisable in this case or are we overdoing it?
Should we lodge a police complaint? Can we write to his superior?
It is possible that he might file a defamation case against us?
I literally have no clue what to do or where to seek help. Please help me save my sister from this pathetic marriage.
Awaiting your response.
Ans: Dear ST,
If you and your parents know what has been going on, why did you not think of lodging a police complaint against your sister’s husband and his family for mental harassment?
What exactly are you waiting for?
Your sister has become used to this misery and sometimes this misery is familiar, and women are willing to put up with it for fear of societal backlash and being a burden on parents.
Which family separates a mother from a child?
Which family entertains the interference of sisters-in-law so much? I am unable to still understand why they would do such a thing.
And to top it all, our country has a huge mass of parents who believe that a daughter once married is the property of her husband. Which only means that he and his family can ill-treat her the way they wish, and the parents cite an excuse of being old and having no money to take care of her if she comes back.
Please, my humble appeal to each parent who have daughters crying out for help…bring them back home; at least they will have a chance to live and live a dignified life. She is still your daughter.
What if she wasn’t married? Would your parents throw all their children out saying that they are poor?
The reason your sister is hesitating to leave the man is perhaps she feels like a burden to your parents.
The first step is to become her strength by welcoming her back; society and her husbands’ family can be taken care of.
Hire a good lawyer who can take care of legal matters if it goes the divorce way.
Divorce or not is your sister and her husband’s decision.
Let her have some time away from her husband and his family. It might help her gain some objectivity and make a wise decision.
So, first you and your parents welcome her back…the rest can wait.
All the best!
