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My Girlfriend Is Comparing Me to Her Abusive Ex – Should I Be Worried?

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 02, 2025

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am in a relationship with a girl since last 1.5 years, i told her everything regarding my financial status,my past ,everything.......she was also in a relationship for 5 years and she told me intially her ex mistreats her, abuse her , sexually force her and she hates him etc all this stuff.....but i found that she herself called her ex and then told me after 4 months...i forgive her but from last 2 months her behaviour is changed , now she is finding too many problems in how i look, my financial status and compare with other boys that they have car and they took their gf to long drives etc( her ex contacted her again and told her he got a job since then she starts all this stuff? She triggered my insecurities and i am feeling most useless and worst person... what should i do, does she really loves me? Please guide me ...i am started feeling depressed .......

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's address the most important thing first, does she really love you? I am not sure about that. It's neither a solid yes or a solid no. But therein lies the challenge. If there is confusion, there is concern. Moreover, the habit of drawing comparisons with other people and how they treat their partners is an indication of a toxic relationship. I would urge you to rethink this relationship.

There will always be someone better out there- with a better car, a better-paying job, or even better looking, but that doesn't mean we stop loving our partner and leave them for that "better someone." Loving your partner is a choice you make every day. Having said that, it is okay if she wants someone "better." Let her. You deserve better too.

Please reconsider this relationship, especially if it is causing you so much sorrow.

Best wishes.

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Hello. I want this to be anonymous. I'm 25 year old and I have been in a relationship for the last 4-5 yrs with my childhood friend . According to me she is a complete attention seeker and dosent care about my emotions. Like she used to text boys who proposed her and delete the messages which she replied but used to keep the messages which they did and send me that they are flirting with me I never used to ask for those screenshots anyway she herself would send me those says that only they are messaging her even thought she isnt responding once she fogot to delete one message where I caught her and we had a huge fight regarding and then she claimed i have i deleted the messages and I promised she will not repeat it again but she totally did it multiple times and I caught her doing that multiple times and she used to flirt with people who proposed her and once we were have lunch in a restaurant and one person who has intrest in her came to the same place and was sitting behind us and she suddenly stood up and sat infront of me where she could see him or vice-versa like how can she do that when I'm around and there are many other fights she has a best friend she shares with him everything last year I broke up with her due to all these reasons and we pathed up after 2 months , after getting back her friend asked her if she is talking to me or not she simply replied shes not talking to me even though we are fine and happy and just last month one of my cousins was flirting with me and I showed her the messages and was being open to her but never crossed a line but she went behind my back and talked to my cousins elder brother who is my own sister's husband that his sister is flirting with me even thought i myself made it clear there's nothing going on, after all this she is calling me to get back with her and she promises that she won't repeat the mistake never again which she already did n number of times what should I do I'm not fine and I think I'm depressed I'm spoiling my career thinking about this.
Ans:

Looks like this leopard isn't going to change her spots in a hurry, my friend!

She's full of lies and false promises and let me tell you, people rarely change. You have to accept them for who they are.

So, if I were you, I'd end this relationship. She doesn't sound like anyone worth wasting anymore time over.

You'll always be looking over your shoulder, and you'll never be able to trust her.

She's driving you nuts already; it's just time to call it a day with this relationship. There are plenty of other fish in the sea!

 

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 27, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2023Hindi
Relationship
Hi , My relationship started in 2017 was 27 then , We met in office she was 23 and then it blossomed and when it started getting serious i told him that i suffer from a chronic condition of Spondylitis & had some limitation of flexibility in upper spine & also told her that as per Doctors condition cannot be cured and my spine will be like this only and will get worse as it is a progressive disease and will involve other joints also because i did not wanted to hide anything from her as im a pure and truthful person at heart and this was my first relationship with any girl she accepted and said does not matter we will try our best to solve this but all these i was so down by the negative consultations by doctors that it will worse & medication had side effects that in mind i thought i will never get better and accepted to live with pain and told her this also but she seemed very positive and said we try to get it better , After 6 months working we both joined new companies , We also used to fight because she was a little immuature and used to fight for silly reasons and i used to tell if you want to leave relationship you can because i was already under pain but deep down from my heart never wanted to leave her this highs and lows went and in 2019 she cheated on me with a office colleague which she herself expressed to me and beg for pardon since i used to love her i accepted her for that she used to have a bf also before me which she already broke up with before meeting me My condition got worse in 2019,2020 due to work pressure but still was able to work and never took long leave she also tried to get me better by motivating me and i also supported her in her life , Then in 2021 she told her parents about me and a meeting was fixed her parents were not happy after seeing my condition which was visible she fight with her parents for me , I aksed them for some time and i did whatever to improve my condition and indeed in all these 18 years of suffering my condition got improved it used to pain less and i was becoming more active and our engagement was done and marrige was fixed But things started to getting worse between us after involvement of families since it was intercaste marrige not she frequent used to taunt me about my condtion that her family was suffering because of me and such things where was your family all these years and why they did not support you in this disease which used to make me feel very bad my family is my utmost importance as they supported me everytime right from the costly medications , academics etc in anger i said some bad words to her which i lament i even went to home crying to forgive and do not broke marriage but she blocked me my no from all social site and said she want to move on and her family broke the marriage and she said i only professionally supported her before marriage i can only support her on her work , health only Was it my fault to be true and tell her everything I did not used to buy her gifts but i told her i will be there with you like a rock whenever you need me My style of love is we support and respect each other to grow in life,have mutual respect and these materialistics things hardly matter It is almost 4 monhts now she blocked i still cannot forget her we had a 6 years relationship Im 33 now and don't want to get married as i don't think i will forget her i contacted her though email and gave my wishes to her but did not have any reply How can be so rude & cold atleast she could have said to me a good luck after showing so much care for 6 years Is this how relationship works i wonder have to leave my innocence at heart and be practical What should i do now , my health condition has also got improved when she left me but mentally i have not forgoten her , I still wish her good luck Please advise it is killing me from inside is this how the world works was i wrong in tellling her everything true
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. It sounds like you were very honest with your partner about your chronic condition and limitations from the very beginning of your relationship. Despite some ups and downs, you were able to maintain a loving relationship for six years.

However, it seems that after you both shared your plans of marriage with your families, things took a negative turn. Your partner's family disapproved of your medical condition and she started to say hurtful things about it as well. Unfortunately, you both said hurtful things to each other in anger and your relationship ended.

It's understandable that you are struggling to move on, given the time you spent together and the depth of your feelings. It's good to hear that your health has improved, but it's important to also take care of your mental and emotional health.

It's unfortunate that your partner has not responded to your email, but it's possible that she needs more time and space to process her own feelings. It's important to respect her boundaries and give her the time she needs.

In terms of your own healing, it may be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. It's okay to feel hurt and it's important to take the time to grieve the loss of your relationship. As for whether you were wrong in telling her everything true, it's important to be honest in relationships, but it's also important to communicate in a way that is respectful and understanding. It's possible that your partner may have been overwhelmed by your condition and the pressure from her family, which may have led to some of the hurtful things she said.

Ultimately, it's important to take care of yourself and prioritize your own well-being. You deserve to be with someone who accepts and supports you for who you are, including any medical conditions or limitations.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jul 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Before coming into our relationship I knew that my girlfriend had a past relationship of 3 years. I asked about it just to clarify if anything was there which will harm our upcoming relationship we gona Start. She mentioned that she did not liked her past relationship and other stuff and she mentioned she had not any physical relationship of any kind with her ex . But now after we came into relationship after 2 years. I found out that she had a physical relationship with her ex . But no intercourse but other stuff. I could not believe her words when she told all this and she been laying all the things I asked if it was your first time and other things. I had no such relationship as of myself and told her that I hate such types where u already experienced stuffs with others . What should I do . I like her too she too loves me . But the thing I found out haunts me and make me fill miserable
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry that you are hurting but her past truly should not matter to you in the present. Ideally, I am not in favor of pushing people to disclose their past experiences, especially if they are not comfortable with it. But I agree that she was wrong to get into a relationship with you when you specifically showed dislike towards the things you mentioned. I suppose she liked you too much and did not want to ruin her chances. I should also mention that judging a person by their past or because they had certain kinds of relations with their ex is not fair; you were not in the picture. Regardless of it, your pain is valid. It isn't easy to come to terms with new information about your partner's past.

Now hear me out, past is in the past. It can only hurt you if you let it. Think about it properly- did she do anything in the present to hurt you? NO. Can you or she change the past? NO. Should she apologize for having a past? NO. Should you move past this and work towards a better future? That's the only thing in your control. Chose wisely. If you think you will hold her accountable for this forever, then you both should reconsider this relationship. If you think this fight is meaningless, and want to move forward with your relationship, then great.

Best Wishes.

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Anu Krishna  |1488 Answers  |Ask -

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Hi Anu I am a married woman with a very supportive husband and daughter. For last 10 years I am having an affair with a colleague and things are pretty well between us. Both of us have found the comfort and requisite from each other which we missed in married life and it saved our respective marriage though none of our family are aware of it. We balanced this till now effectively. Recently I got an opportunity within the company which is very lucrative and will enhance my career goals altogether however, for this I have to shift to another state. Now , my bf is very upset on this as it means he will not be able to meet me as we do every day. My husband and Daughter is fine with my shifting however my parents who are old are also apprehensive since I am the only child and do take care of them. My husband has assured to support them in absence of me and I have full confidence on him. All throughout my life I have focused on my professional career and have worked towards that and now when I got this opportunity I am emotionally unstable and unable to take the decision. My dilemma is surrounding various aspects. 1- Don’t want to leave my BF as he is my strength. 2- My parents are old and since I being the only child,they ae 3- If I could not perform in the new role then? 4- The daily hardship that I have to take over in a new place as my husband will not shift. 5- Remuneration wise not as such however if you say power then yes. Learning – knowledge enhancement and career upliftment - yes very much. 6- Current role will not grow much however stability as of now do exists. Can you help me to take the decision ?
Ans: Dear Nibedita,
What is important to you and what helps you grow professionally and personally must be looked at? Constraints are always going to play a role BUT working around it may help you make a decision. If professionally you are going to grow into the role and for this you need to work around things for the time being, then you must do just that. But in all this, do factor that you have a daughter who is still young and will need your presence a lot; physically and emotionally.
Now, how you work this with your BF is something that is between the two of you; but it's not power or money BUT how you grow in your new role.
Also, talk to your family and come to an arrangement whereby they also become your pillar of strength and support. You will then be able to come to a viable decision.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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