
Hi, I am 32M. I never had any relationships in the past...One sided was there but I overcame it and focused on my work. One day in gym i came across a girl 23F, we connected on insta and started chatting. Eventually we fell in love, I know this doesn’t sound good due to the age gap. We dated, had good times and emotionally connected with each other a lot. Now while discussing something, she revealed that she is not a virgin. There was a guy in her society she met around 3 years back (when she was 19) and she was in one sided love with him. They never confessed their love to each other. And she is not in touch with him anymore it was long back. Also she said she had made out with another guy whom she met 1 month back during her classes, prior to meeting me. I was really hurt to listen all these. Like how all these things she is doing at this age. I accepted her and then we had good 2 months again. After 2 months, I got to know she was following the first guy on insta. When confronted she said she used to like to see him and his girlfriend together. She was really not in touch with the guy but she was just following him. It was hurtful to me. We had a big fight on this. They used to share intimate pics with each other too. After forcing her to tell everything about her past, she told that she used to flirt with lot of boys. First in junior college with best friend she shared intimate pics, then met with the guy she lost virginity with, then she met another friend she shared pics with. Then in last year, in classes she shared pics with friend, then again with someone and then she had a crush on some guy with whom she made out. She was connected with them on insta. Like no talks but she was following them and they followed her too. There were almost 6-7 guys she used to talk as friend and has shared intimate pics and she called it flirting. I was shocked to hear all these. I am still shocked. This is out of my mind. It is very difficult to accept that few boys have intimate pics of my girlfriend. She has been very very loyal to me since we are together. She never got this kind of love in her life. She is really super happy in this relationship. We are emotionally connected a lot. I have treated her like a child and I love her a lot. She comes from a good family. She says she has been in wrong circle and all her friends are like this only. She cried a lot and she regrets it deeply like what she has done and she wants to get out of all these. But if feel, a persons character never changes. There will be so cold moments in relationships In future, will she be able to manage herself and stay honest. I really doubt a lot. She is really good at heart like a family girl but her past is really really terrible I feel. I feel, even though I love her will I be able to accept her past. Do I deserve this ? Do my family deserve this ? But again I think of risking it all because she is really invested in this relationship and I feel very bad to break her heart. I come from a very traditional background and believe in sacred and pure form of love. But I feel I got trapped in something which I can’t leave and can’t have whole heartedly. I am not able to focus on my work and everything. It’s hurting me a lot. Should I accept her ac she is or moving on will be better for both of us, even though it might break her heart.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
People’s past doesn't define their present or what they will do in the future. It’s not fair of you to judge her by the things she did before you existed in her life. Also, it isn’t fair to decide her “character” based on what you think is right or wrong. But having said that, I also want to acknowledge that your thought process is different from hers and I understand that the pain that you are feeling right now is valid. All I can say is that if it really bothers you, please rethink this relationship. Staying with someone because you don’t want to break their heart never works out in the end. Eventually you will break her heart if you are unsure of this relationship. And sometimes, it can be difficult to let go of certain things; in your case, it’s your partner’s past. If you think you can never get over this, then it’s best to think hard about whether you want to continue or not right now, before it’s too late and you both get more emotionally involved and hurt.
Hope this helps.