My partner and I have temporarily been in a long-distance marriage due to our love for work. When, I am with him in a nuclear set up, he is generally caring and cooperating giving me space to grow. But my in-laws expect me to stay with them for months or wish to stay with us for two to three months at a stretch. They function very differently and hold traditional views. I am providing few examples although there are many other incompatibilities. 1. Want me to eat rice three times a day and cook the same for my husband 2. Refrain from wearing a few colours. Give remarks regarding length of my trouser. 3. Ask me to wear bangles all the time. 4. Tell me never to make my husband do my tasks like drying my clothes in the sun as this is against Indian culture. 5. My mother-in-law has strange rules like all food has to be thrown away if utensils touch the body accidentally. 6. I am not allowed to serve myself food in fear of above rule. 7. Excessive number of rituals and poojas. I do not want to disrespect their culture or change them in their own life. I co-operate but I function extremely differently and my priorities are very different. I am not okay with them coming for two to three months at a stretch and I am freedom-deprived in my own home when I live with my husband. I have a job that demands from me mentally even when I am at home. I can adjust to their rules for few days but not for so long. Also, I fear they will pressurize me into going there/coming here for a long time after a baby and try to tell me how to take care etc. My husband is shy and often stays silent in front of his mother. He goes to his parents’ house for three months in a year and I am happy that he can be with his parents. Please help in drawing boundaries/guide me in achieving balance.

Dear MM, Be very forthcoming and expressing to them that there are a few things that you might be unable to comply not because you don’t respect them or their customs, but because it causes you more effort to do that. Another way to think is: it’s only a couple of months that they are around, can I simply work around it and sort this out amicably? Truth be told: we focus on what we don’t like more than what you like and then what we don’t like starts to grow in the mind with situations and people associated with those become ‘villains’. Now, I don’t say that you don’t have challenges, but to worry about a baby when there isn’t one as yet, seems like you have already decided how horrible things are and will be. So, you will be fighting a battle with your partner and put him in a fix to fix things, Why don’t you do that yourself? Draw boundaries by clearly stating what you can do and do that with a lot of love rather than as a favour. Once they see and feel this, they are maybe willing to see things from your point of view as well and adapt to your way of thinking. Give some, Take some. I am sure this is something that you might surely be able to do considering that you are working hard to make things happen. So, All the Best!