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Anu Krishna |1622 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 05, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by SN on May 05, 2022Hindi

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Dear Anu, I have been married for 3 years.
Everything is going well with my husband except there is one problem. If there is anything wrong done by his parents, he never takes a stand or protests.
My in-laws are not very friendly people.
After our marriage they have never tried to keep in touch with my parents or at least have the courtesy to invite once to their house.
My parents have frequently tried to invite them and also tried to keep contact but nothing is achieved if it's one-sided. I told my husband about all this but he never ever tried to explain or correct them of their wrong doings.
My mother-in-law had also insulted me few times raising questions on how I was brought up within the first year of our marriage. And later as well.
I work and sometimes due to prolong working hours I am not able to contribute to household work.
My mother-in-law started asking if at all I do any household work or whether I am always busy with my office work. She already knew that I would be working after marriage and was fine with it.
Because of the lockdown we are staying with them for a long period and I am embarrassed to tell this but every day is killing me. When I stay with them I have to be a totally different person. I have to live their lifestyle which is totally opposite to how I used to live with my husband alone.
Because of all the above circumstances, I am not keen on staying with them. I don't see a future where I can stay with them. I am ready to take care of them but can't stay under one roof. My husband is well aware of my feelings. But never does anything about it. Every time I tell him, he blames me that I don't want him to stay with his parents. Else he takes good care of me and is a good person. My parents also like him except this one complaint.
I am totally clueless now how to make him understand because we end up fighting rather than discussing.
In the long run I can't stay with my in-laws because our lifestyle doesn't match and of course the hurtful things they have done. They are not even ready to adjust rather would expect me to completely change for them. And that's what dreads me.
I can't live in this way for long. It is causing me a lot of mental stress.
Please provide your valuable suggestions.

Ans:

Dear SN,

Hasn’t the lockdown ended for a while now?

Why are you still with them?

What was the initial reason of moving in with them?

Does that reason still exist?

Being part of a joint/extended family system isn’t a cake walk; each person is unique and so are their thoughts and experiences and they will want the other person to live by their experiences and rules. But of course, an emotionally mature person would believe in giving space for another person grow and evolve and swim around the family dynamics. Well, it isn't the case here.

Why don’t you drop down a pros and cons list for When I move out and for When I stay here.

Weigh it down to its granular detail. Also, try and figure out why your husband is so against talking to them.

Sometimes, it maybe a minor adjustment that everyone needs to go through, but our movies and sitcoms have done enough damage to our minds where the drama looks never ending and where one party is to blame. Usually, the adjustment has to happen from both ends.

Bring this to a place where everyone gains, and everyone is happy. Maybe moving out is an option that you seek but will this go well with your husband and remember, he might do this for you, and in the long run in might end up blaming you for it. It’s complicated.

So, take time and work on the pros and cons, why your husband is against talking to them about this and also ask yourself: Have I done everything that I can to live joyfully under one roof?
You will have a path to your solution soon.

All the best!

RelationshipReply

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Question by MM - May 05, 2022Hindi

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My partner and I have temporarily been in a long-distance marriage due to our love for work. When, I am with him in a nuclear set up, he is generally caring and cooperating giving me space to grow. But my in-laws expect me to stay with them for months or wish to stay with us for two to three months at a stretch. They function very differently and hold traditional views. I am providing few examples although there are many other incompatibilities. 1. Want me to eat rice three times a day and cook the same for my husband2. Refrain from wearing a few colours. Give remarks regarding length of my trouser. 3. Ask me to wear bangles all the time. 4. Tell me never to make my husband do my tasks like drying my clothes in the sun as this is against Indian culture. 5. My mother-in-law has strange rules like all food has to be thrown away if utensils touch the body accidentally.6. I am not allowed to serve myself food in fear of above rule. 7. Excessive number of rituals and poojas. I do not want to disrespect their culture or change them in their own life. I co-operate but I function extremely differently and my priorities are very different. I am not okay with them coming for two to three months at a stretch and I am freedom-deprived in my own home when I live with my husband.I have a job that demands from me mentally even when I am at home. I can adjust to their rules for few days but not for so long. Also, I fear they will pressurize me into going there/coming here for a long time after a baby and try to tell me how to take care etc. My husband is shy and often stays silent in front of his mother. He goes to his parents’ house for three months in a year and I am happy that he can be with his parents. Please help in drawing boundaries/guide me in achieving balance.

Ans:

Dear MM,

Be very forthcoming and expressing to them that there are a few things that you might be unable to comply not because you don’t respect them or their customs, but because it causes you more effort to do that.

Another way to think is: it’s only a couple of months that they are around, can I simply work around it and sort this out amicably?

Truth be told: we focus on what we don’t like more than what you like and then what we don’t like starts to grow in the mind with situations and people associated with those become ‘villains’.

Now, I don’t say that you don’t have challenges, but to worry about a baby when there isn’t one as yet, seems like you have already decided how horrible things are and will be.

So, you will be fighting a battle with your partner and put him in a fix to fix things, Why don’t you do that yourself?

Draw boundaries by clearly stating what you can do and do that with a lot of love rather than as a favour.

Once they see and feel this, they are maybe willing to see things from your point of view as well and adapt to your way of thinking.

Give some, Take some.

I am sure this is something that you might surely be able to do considering that you are working hard to make things happen.

So, All the Best!

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Anu Krishna |1622 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

Question by R - Oct 14, 2021Hindi

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Dear mam, I am married for 14 yrs. Love marriage. I used to work earlier but quit because my husband was earning well and he said he will take care of me and my son. We used to be a happy couple but during the lockdown my mother-in-law and sister-in-law decided to move in with us. Slowly they started creating issues between my husband and me often badmouthing my behaviour or complaining about me. I was unaware about it until recently when we had a big fight. That’s when I realised that they have been planning to drive me out of the house and get him married to someone else whom they can manipulate. It’s been over a year now that my husband is not even talking to me properly. I went and stayed with my parents for some time but even they feel I am a burden and should adjust and accommodate instead of giving them reasons to fight. They don’t understand that all this is politics. Now my husband is talking to some girl whom I don’t like. That is causing more problems and fights between us. Anything I say is used against me now. Please help me mam. What to do?

Ans: Dear R, why did they start to create issues between you and your husband?

What led to this? It rarely happens that people go after people with no reason.

Did you have any reservations about them coming and staying over?

Did you express it in some form to them? (Ask these to yourself so that you know that any act on your part did not lead to this situation. Of course, nothing justifies their plotting to get their son married behind your back).

If the answer to this is NO, then it's time to confront your husband, get a mediator and put things on the table.

What does he want? What do you want?

Do you both want to continue in this marriage?

What are his responsibilities towards your son?

These need to be addressed without anymore delay. Being in a limbo state is not fun as it keeps you guessing and the uncertainty can cause a lot of stress.

Also, kindly sensitise your parents towards what you are going through, so that support you in this time of need.

Act NOW and whatever you decide, put yourself first and take care of you emotional state of mind.

Best wishes!

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