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I'm 38 and my life is falling apart – how do I fix it?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1766 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 20, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 14, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello, I am 38 years old. I have been living abroad since I was 21 years old. I have been focused on my career since then. I got married in 2021 in India and just after 4 months living in India, we again moved abroad. This country was new for me and my my wife, but my brother was already settled in this country with his family. As I was living away from my family for many years, me and my wife decided to live in a joint family with my brother’s family. However, I was quite busy adjusting to my new job, my wife couldn’t adjust well to my side of the family, my brother, his wife and my mother. After living together with everyone for a year, me and my wife decided to live separately from my side of the family. Now after 5 months my wife became pregnant and we both wanted to have a child. So even though my family was quite close and could have supported us during this time. I decided to sponsor my in laws on a visa so that my wife could feel supportive during this time. We had a girl child and I have avoided to communicate to my family during this one year so that my wife doesn’t get any stress or anything from my family. However as soon as we had a child, I have invited my mother and my brother family to visit my daughter. Now my in laws have started quarreling with me once in a while. And they convinced my wife to go to India with them. My wife has been living in India since last 6 months, they would never let me see my daughter over the phone call, and whenever I called them they would ask me for the money/gifts. Let me add to that when I went abroad, my wife was not working initially and I used to give her 30% of my salary and I used to bear all the expenses. When my in laws started living with us, I over heard them talking if I continued having relationship with my side of the family, she would buy her a home in India and take my daughter away from me. Now recently I came to India to get everything sorted, I do not think my wife would be willing to come with me without my in laws. How could I convince her to start over and repair our relationship for us and our beautiful daughter.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sure you see a pattern in your wife's actions. At the risk of sounding judgemental, I will say: She does like to get her way in most things.
How else do you explain that when she is stressed keep them away and when she needs, she wants them back?
How can you expect to have support from your side of the family when you two decided to alienate them?
How does it work when she decided to stay back with her family with absolutely no regard that you as father will want to be close to your daughter?
How do you explain that they secretly conspire to take your daughter away from you if you involve your family?

Do you not see the immaturity of how they have very systematically alienated you from your family and your daughter?

To be able to put things together, your wife really needs to get away from her parents. They seem to hold the strings and have no qualms about spoiling their daughter's life...Bring her out of that family and move to a location that is not easily accessible to them; as in maybe back abroad, so they are not in and out of your home. Start building your relationship with your wife by being a hands-on father and that may also give her an idea as to the person that you are. You must be appreciated for the person that you are...Give this a shot!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1766 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

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Hi Mam, I would like to remain anonymous.I'm in a very much stressed stage of my life. I had an arranged marriage in May 2020, I had known the guy only for 3 months. I had discussed everything before marriage itself. I am an only child and my father is not with us and my mom's health is not very good. After marriage everything was fine, but after a few days like a month or so, my sister-in-law started calling my mom and asked for gold ornaments, since we got married during the covid pandemic, the wedding was held in a temple. They wanted us to get gold in that money which was spent from our side. We were planning to buy a car so that travelling would be easy for me. I was still working in my old company and my husband had agreed to the same. When we refused to give them the gold. Communication was completely nil, my sister-in-law nor my mother-in-law spoke to me, just a hi bye. My husband was ok initially, but then later he started supporting his family and said what they demanded was right. I got pregnant and I didn't want to travel during this situation, my in-laws didn't agree to send me to my mom's place. They wanted me to quit my job. My sister-in-law who was married had come here and was staying with us. She started interfering in our life, I had to consult the doctor of her choice, quit my job and my husband insisted i listen to them.We had a huge fight and I came to my house. From that day none of them called or even messaged me. I even went to the doctor with my mom. Then after 45 days we got to know that the pregnancy was not viable and it had to be aborted. When i conveyed this message to my husband, he started blaming me saying that I did this on purpose and my sister-in-law started blaming me that i had aborted because it was a girl child. I was shocked that such baseless allegations on me, I couldn't digest this. They even threatened that they'll file a police complaint on me and my family. Then they wanted to get me checked with another doctor of their choice. I even went for the check-up. The doctor said that these things are common in first pregnancy and not to worry. Even after this my sister-in-law was blaming me and my mother told me that we didn't take proper care. Sister-in-law was present at every doctor's check-up. On the final day of check-up, I was in the hospital for 1.5 hours my husband didn't come. I left thinking he'll not come. But later he called me and started verbally abusing me and my family saying that he'll file a police complaint coz we didn't wait for him at the hospital. I mean I didn't know how to react to this. He used very vulgar language. I couldn't tolerate this. I told him I will not stay with him any longer. He then again started vulgarly abusing me, calling me and my family names which is not acceptable. Now I have filed for divorce and domestic violence. He has filed for restitution of conjugal rights and his sister has filed a defamation case on me coz I said that she has deserted her husband which is true. He's demanding money which they are claiming to have given for marriage expenses and litigation charges to sign mutual divorce papers. I don't know the total amount he might ask. Mam I don't know what to do. Kindly help me take a decision. Is my decision right to divorce him?
Ans:

Dear AV,

Clearly a lot has happened and is happening which is rather unpleasant for you. This will disturb your peace of mind.

To ask me if your decision is right to divorce him is not a wise thing to do as the decision is yours to make.

You know your situation and you know what’s at stake and you also know what and how much you can take.

Firstly, hire a lawyer who is adept in dealing with cases of dowry demands and verbal abuse.

The correct step will be to narrate the situation to the lawyer as is and also tell him/her what you want to do and what you can derive financially out of the case if the divorce progresses.

Be prepared with what you want from and out of the divorce as every divorce lawyer will ask you this.

Also going prepared will cut down on the initial lawyer consultation fees. So, hire a good lawyer first.

Make sure that the initial wealth; all movable and immovable property given to you by your parents during the marriage that includes cash as well must be demanded back from your husband and his family.

You have a right over this streedhan. So, if you are filing for divorce, bear this in mind.

Secondly, to help you restore your mental health, I suggest that you actually pen the story of your married life down and each painful memory needs a release from your system.

It’s okay to be angry and spiteful towards the people involved but in the end for your own peace of mind, tell yourself that every story has an end and that instead of playing the victim, you will transform into a person who can take charge of her life and give the story a positive end.

Stop mulling over WHY it happened and move to WHAT CAN I DO NEXT.

Easier said than done? But being a problem space for too long will erode your wellbeing, so it’s wise to seek a solution.

Be brave and do the right thing. Never allow anyone to kill your spirit. All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |656 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 05, 2023

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Relationship
I refer to my previous mail question for which you have given me a general answer. To make you understand more, i take care of my twin babies most of the time in a day / every day. Both my Wife & in-laws avoid stating all sorts of stories and at the end of the day bringing up my twin kids falls on me and i don't even get a reliever for few minutes to take rest. Both of them, most of the time try to find fault with me, in me and try to blow up the issue. Till now, i have made myself very clear from all these issues and as you said, i tried to spend time with my wife, my in-law try to interfere with us and pulls out my wife with silly reasons like not well, body pain, house hold work. She never let us at least talk for few minutes with my wife and even suggested to my wife to part with me and they (my wife & In-laws) will stay away leaving me and my babies. After so much tolerance, i too told them to leave the babies with me and go as you wish. Now tell me sir, what should i do now???
Ans: I understand that you're facing a challenging situation in your family where you're primarily responsible for taking care of your twin babies, and your wife and in-laws seem to be creating obstacles and conflicts. It's important to approach this situation with care and consideration for the well-being of everyone involved. Here are some steps you can consider taking:

Open Communication: Try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about how you feel. Express your concerns and emotions calmly and clearly. Let her know that you want to work together as a team to take care of your children and maintain a healthy relationship.
Seek Professional Help: If communication with your wife doesn't yield positive results, consider seeking the help of a marriage counselor or therapist. A neutral third party can provide guidance and facilitate productive discussions.
Set Boundaries: Discuss and establish clear boundaries with your in-laws. Explain to them that while you appreciate their concern, you and your wife need some private time together as a couple, and it's essential for the well-being of your relationship.
Share Responsibilities: If possible, work out a schedule with your wife to share childcare responsibilities more evenly. This can help both of you get some much-needed rest and time together.
Stay Calm and Patient: Dealing with family conflicts can be stressful, but try to remain calm and patient. Avoid engaging in heated arguments or confrontations. Instead, focus on finding constructive solutions.
Consider Legal Advice: In extreme cases, if your relationship with your wife continues to deteriorate, and you fear for your rights as a parent, you may want to consult with an attorney to understand your legal options regarding child custody and visitation.
Self-Care: Don't forget to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Caring for twin babies can be exhausting, so make sure to prioritize your well-being. If possible, seek support from friends or family members who can give you some respite.
Remember that every situation is unique, and it may take time to find a resolution. It's essential to maintain a calm and respectful approach throughout the process. Ultimately, the goal should be to create a harmonious family environment that supports the well-being of both you and your children.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1766 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 09, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu...i hv been reading ur expertise to solve the issues of people and am really impressed. We have been married for 19years now and have a son and daughter .From the start of the marriage my wife have been inclined towards her mother and her family paying less or no heed to us. Circumstances were also favorable to her and she always got the opportunity to stay close and visit her parents often which i did not mind.We lived in Mumbai and she is from Chennai.After marriage my mom-in-law used to continuosly interfere into our lives by calling her and she used to act as per her suggestions only which led to problems as she was a puppet in the hands of my Mom-in-law. Moreover since my mom-in-law was not in good health my wife tried not to over rule as she did not want her mom to feel sick as she doesnt like to be over ruled or by pass failing which she goes on hunger strike and stop taking tablets spoiling her own health. Due to this reason everybody has been appeasing her.Initially i thought to ignore but slowly it started to affect my family as well as my wife started to see things thru my mom-in-laws perspective and find faults in everything. We shifted to overseas to stay away from all these and we really had a good life for 10 years there but since i lost job during covid i had to shift base to India for my son's education but she chose to stay back there with my daughter as she is working there.I too felt that let her spend some time so that i could settle things in India and call her but it is more than 2 years now and she refuses to come back and dont even care for us and neither call us as family. I tried to involve my in-laws to convince her but they are also playing a diplomatic game and doesnt want to go against their daughter's wish.Due to this attitude of my mom-in-law their own daughter-in-laws have been staying away and since my in-laws stay alone my wife feels that she is the only support system for her parents but it has come on my life's sacrifice. She has been ignoring us and even i kept moving for the sake of my family and children instead of respecting my feelings she has become more adamant now.Her brother is also seperated from her wife and he also looks forward for a support system from my daughter and my wife and they seem close ignoring myself and my son.We have been trying to convince her thru all means but she is caring. Even i feel that it is futile to force someone into relationship but she unknowingly spoiling my family and deprieve my son the mother;s love and also depreive my daughter from affection and love.Due to this my son has also stopped expecting from her and my daughter treats me as a stranger due to long distance. Pls suggest the way forward. Shud i wait for things to improve or leave as it is.I am 47 now and she is 45..told her that let us enjoy the best things in life rather than regretting later but she does not understand.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Logic does not appeal to your wife!
What can you do with someone who is adamant about ruining her own family life? It's purely clouded judgement on her part on what to do and not!
With more people dependent on your wife for support, she has found a way of moving even more away from you...what I do not understand is: how is she able to do that to your son?

Either the two of you talk this out and take firm decisions OR accept that this is how it's going to be...sooner or later, she will realize what is happening and will become more aware of her priorities. But, being where you are is painful and it will stress you even more...So, find a way to talk things out is a step that you can take NOW!

Impress upon her as to how important it is keep the family together as a unit for the children to grow in a healthy manner and also how much this time investment will help the two of you as a couple.

All the best!

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |217 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I need advice from anyone here. I am 34 years old woman and married. I have 10 year old daughter. I am also working in MNC.I got married 12 years back. I am seeing lot of challenges in my home. I am living with my in laws from the day one. They were lot of issues going on from the starting. I faced lot of issue during my pregnancy due to this. Here giving just an example, My MIL condition is I was not allowed to drink milk more than one small glass for a day and allowed to eat rice only one rice spatula for afternoon and night, no veggies and no fruits during pregnancy. Due to this My health got deteriorated and I had gone through surgery in my 6th month and was in bed rest till the delivery. My FIL used to bring some fruits to me, and she scolded him very badly. After that he stopped to bring anything. Like this lot of things keep on happening till date. She doesn't allow me to cook, and she only prepare lunch. Tells everyone in the family and neighbourhood that I won't cook. Lot of times I asked her I will cook. She says she doesn’t like if others cook. So, she allows me to chop the veggies or grating coconut like that. She gives very less amount of food for my daughter. sometimes even my daughter is hungry, she scolds her saying don't eat too much. For 10 years old kid, she weighs 24. To her school lunch bag and snacks, I fought with my MIL and prepare food for her box and give. She eats happily. Sometimes my husband and myself tried to tell her and she goes on like I changed her son and He doesn't love her anymore because of me etc., Now a days, I feel relationship between my husband and me is going down. He only listens to her. Sometimes my MIL scolds my daughter unnecessarily Infront of my husband and he we will scold my daughter for this again. Due to this, my husband and my daughter relationship is also getting worst. He keeps on scolding her, My daughter is average in her academics, she doesn't study properly after coming home due to lot distractions and mood swings at home. One more reason is TV. At home My MIL watches the TV from the morning. We are not allowed to watch but that’s ok I don’t have time for that anyway. While my daughter is studying in the evening, my MIL watches some serials. My daughter's whole concentration is on the voices coming from TV. She will keep on getting distracted and make excuses for something to watch TV like drinking water,etc. We tried to tell my MIL, but it didn’t go well. Most of the times, I feel like me and my daughter are outsiders and whatever we do they doesn't like it. I like to pray by singing one song at least once a day. She doesn't like it. Whatever food I prepare to my daughter my MIL complains it to my husband as junk. I normally prepare her rice with lot of veggies, parathas with veggies and sandwich. After I started preparing these, my daughter started eating veggies, otherwise there was big no from her. I don't know how to handle all those things . Also recently during Dusshera, due to one of the situation like this, my husband is not talking properly with me and my daughter. I am an introvert, and I don’t have any friends. I don’t know with whom to seek advice.
Ans: Twelve years of this? You’re a financially independent, capable woman. Why in God’s name are you tolerating this absurd woman and her absolute BS? Move out. NOW. If your husband has any sense, he’ll join you. If not, let him live under his mother’s skirt for the rest of his life, but don’t destroy your own any more than you already have. Take your daughter and LEAVE!

..Read more

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Reetika Sharma  |541 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Feb 12, 2026

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Sir, How can we reduce the Commision on Regular MF ?What is Steps to avoid the Tax if wants to Switch from Regular to Direct?.
Ans: Hi Amit,

Your concern regarding commision in regular funds is quite genuine and common these days due to the misleading content shared by some people.
You should understand that a whilst regular funds have comparatively lower expense ratio than direct funds, and this has risen to the direct fund popularity. But in actual a direct fund portfolio is only good if you know all ins and out of the market, have proper knowledge and knows the correct way to invest perse your individual profile.

There are few benefits of regular fund portfolio which is highly overlooked:
- a professional builds your portfolio keeping in mind your detailed profile, funds selction are done based on your risk profile
- a professional knows the best time to invrease your investments, to hold and to shift. They constantly monitor the same and periodically review them

And a regular fund portfolio definitely beats the direct fund portfolio made with random tips and zero or less knowledge.
Hence I would not suggest you to switch from regular to direct funds if you are working with a professional.

Also switching from regular funds to direct will attract tax, there is no way to avoid the taxation.

However, you can get your portfolio reviewed from another advisor and ask them to guide you to make necessary changes.

If you do not have an advisor, connect with a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

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Naveenn

Naveenn Kummar  |249 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF, Insurance Expert - Answered on Feb 11, 2026

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 11, 2025Hindi
Money
Hi there, I am 53 years and retiring on 31/12/2025. I hvae a daughter and son, both studing and un-married. I am curently holding mutual fund (investment only) of around 15lacs. I am doing a SIP of 12000/- PM. Beside this, i have an equity investment of 15.50 lacs. I do have 65lacs in FD and the same amunt is expected upon retirement. I have a own house and there is no loan obligations currently. i have another 50lacs given to relatives and there is no timeline when I will be receiving this amount. I have around 100000 monthly expense and ofcourse the marriage expenses of my daughter and son in next 3-4 years. Kindly advise the best strategy and utilization of funds. Thank you.
Ans: Hi sir ,
You are entering a very sensitive financial phase where protection of capital becomes more important than aggressive growth. At the same time, you still have 30 plus years of life expectancy to fund, along with two large near-term goals children’s marriages and ongoing household expenses. So the strategy has to balance income, liquidity, and moderate growth.

Let me break this down in a practical way.

1. Where you stand today

Assets available / expected

Mutual Funds approx 15 lakh

Direct Equity approx 15.5 lakh

FD 65 lakh

Retirement proceeds expected approx 65 lakh

Money given to relatives 50 lakh uncertain timeline

Own house no loan

Total financial assets (excluding relatives money)
~160 lakh

If relatives repay, corpus rises to ~210 lakh but we should not depend on it for planning.

2. Monthly expense reality check

You mentioned ?1,00,000 per month = ?12 lakh per year.

Assuming 6 percent inflation, this expense will double in ~12 years.

So retirement planning must create income + growth, not just fixed income.

3. Immediate financial buckets to create

Think in 4 separate buckets instead of one pool.

A. Emergency + Liquidity bucket

Keep 18–24 months expenses.

?20–25 lakh
Park in:

Savings + sweep FD

Liquid / money market funds

Purpose: medical, family, urgent needs without breaking investments.

B. Marriage funding bucket (3–4 years)

Do not keep this in equity markets due to time risk.

Estimate requirement realistically. Suppose:

Daughter marriage 25–30 lakh

Son marriage 20–25 lakh

Total say 50 lakh

Park in:

Short duration debt funds

Bank FD ladder

RBI bonds

Capital safety is priority here.

C. Income generation bucket

This is the most critical post-retirement engine.

From your corpus, allocate ~70–80 lakh.

Options mix:

Senior Citizen Saving Scheme (SCSS)

Post Office MIS

RBI Floating Rate Bonds

High quality Corporate FD

Debt mutual funds with SWP

Target blended return: 7–8 percent.

This can generate ?45k–?55k monthly income.

D. Growth bucket (Long term)

You still need equity to beat inflation.

Allocate 25–30 lakh minimum.

Continue SIP (even post retirement if possible).

Suitable allocation:

Large Cap funds

Balanced Advantage / Dynamic Asset Allocation

Multi Asset funds

Time horizon: 10–20 years.

This bucket funds late retirement and healthcare inflation.

4. What to do with existing investments
Mutual Funds (15 lakh)

Keep invested. Review fund quality. Shift to:

Balanced Advantage

Large Cap / Flexi Cap

Avoid small cap concentration now.

Direct Equity (15.5 lakh)

Gradually reduce risk.

Move profits into hybrid funds or debt over 12–18 months. Do not exit in one shot to avoid tax and timing risk.

5. Retirement corpus deployment illustration

Here is a simple structure using your ~160 lakh corpus:

Bucket Amount Purpose
Emergency 25 L Liquidity
Marriage 50 L 3–4 yr goals
Income 60 L Monthly cashflow
Growth 25 L Inflation hedge

If relatives repay 50 lakh later:

Add 20 lakh to growth

Add 15 lakh to medical reserve

Add 15 lakh to income bucket

6. Monthly income gap

Expense: ?1,00,000

Income possible:

SCSS + MIS + Bonds: ~?50,000

SWP from debt / hybrid: ~?20,000

Equity dividends / growth withdrawal later: ~?10,000–?15,000

Gap may still exist initially.

So you may need:

Part time income / consulting (even ?25k helps)

Delay large withdrawals till age 60 when senior schemes expand

7. Important risks to manage
Healthcare

Take a family floater + super top up if not already.

Longevity risk

Plan till age 90, not 75.

Relatives money

Treat as “bonus”, not retirement funding.

Document repayment if possible.

Inflation

Do not over-allocate to FD.

That is the biggest mistake retirees make.

8. Action checklist

Finalize marriage budget realistically

Create 2-year emergency fund

Invest in SCSS immediately after retirement

Restructure equity to hybrid orientation

Continue SIP from surplus if feasible

Arrange health insurance buffer

Write a will and nominations

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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