I got married in 2018 and it was an arranged marriage. Everything seemed very perfect for me. But soon after things got weird as I realised my husband does not share good rapport with his own family.
From day second, I felt I need to correct my husband' attitude towards his own parents. He loves me a lot and protects me from any type of problem while we were staying at my in-laws' house.
But before completing 2 months we moved out and somewhere I knew there is no going back to his parents from that point.
During the short 2 months stay I was told that my parents did not give me good stuff -- I mean bed, almirah and (that they) had not arranged our marriage function in the best way possible. I have seen them fighting among themselves for purchasing Maggi packets stating who will pay the price.
I was told my husband who is eventually their real son contributed nothing to his sister's marriage, to their house construction and to his own marriage.
I was asked to pay for the marriage album as my husband contributed nothing to his own marriage.
Even after leaving their place bank payment related messages have been sent to me to pay the amount.
One day after feeling helpless I asked them: If your son is having so much problem why did you marry him.
They simply stated that they did it for the sake of society.
The moments before leaving the house were tense. They threw a lot of tantrums -- they took the jewellery they'd purchased for me and also retained the jewellery given by my parents. I said nothing about it as those materialistic things never mattered to me.
I had to take back a part of jewellery made by my parents from them as my parents wanted it back. But after leaving home they did not call to ask anything about our health or our problems with the new set up but instead called for money.
They are threatening to come back if we don't talk to them on regular basis and bend their son on his knees to come back to his parents.
Till some time, I was under the impression that my husband is having issues; that he is the monster who is abandoning his parents. When I learned his side of story, I realised he is not at fault completely. They never made him feel loved or accepted; and always compared him with others.
They considered him as their investment plan as they are all the time cursing him for not providing any financial support without knowing at what salary he is working for, what are his monthly expenses and whether he is in a position to assist them financially.
He doesn't have any good memories with his family. Still I tried to make him feel their pain to be left alone behind their only son.
After leaving their house they started to abuse me on phone whenever they wanted. They cursed me and my parents for taking their son away from them.
My husband is the typical Indian male who on the first night took control of my debit card as he thinks it is his birth right. He strictly told me what not to wear.
Although these were major flaws in the attitude, he showed love towards me so I did also do the same.
I am happy with him. But with this constant verbal abuse from his parents, I feel like I’m the one who is the culprit here.
I was not ready to even extend my family with my husband but somehow I did take the decision after four years of my marriage.
I am expecting now but my husband warned me to not inform about this to his parents otherwise, he will send me permanently to my parents’ house. My subconscious is shaking me in every 2 to 3 weeks that I’m the culprit here. I feel like my child will also leave me behind the way we left his parents behind. They insulted me in every possible way but I still don't want them to be left alone in their senior years like this. But I have no control over my husband he is way more detached towards them and maximum time insensitive to their problems. Also his parents always call to either abuse me or their son they did never ask us how we are if we are fine even in corona time I was positive and when they knew about they call my husband to make fun of this. Please suggest.

Dear SN,

Hasn’t the lockdown ended for a while now?

Why are you still with them?

What was the initial reason of moving in with them?

Does that reason still exist?

Being part of a joint/extended family system isn’t a cake walk; each person is unique and so are their thoughts and experiences and they will want the other person to live by their experiences and rules. But of course, an emotionally mature person would believe in giving space for another person grow and evolve and swim around the family dynamics. Well, it isn't the case here.

Why don’t you drop down a pros and cons list for When I move out and for When I stay here.

Weigh it down to its granular detail. Also, try and figure out why your husband is so against talking to them.

Sometimes, it maybe a minor adjustment that everyone needs to go through, but our movies and sitcoms have done enough damage to our minds where the drama looks never ending and where one party is to blame. Usually, the adjustment has to happen from both ends.

Bring this to a place where everyone gains, and everyone is happy. Maybe moving out is an option that you seek but will this go well with your husband and remember, he might do this for you, and in the long run in might end up blaming you for it. It’s complicated.

So, take time and work on the pros and cons, why your husband is against talking to them about this and also ask yourself: Have I done everything that I can to live joyfully under one roof?
You will have a path to your solution soon.

All the best!

What led to this? It rarely happens that people go after people with no reason.

Did you have any reservations about them coming and staying over?

Did you express it in some form to them? (Ask these to yourself so that you know that any act on your part did not lead to this situation. Of course, nothing justifies their plotting to get their son married behind your back).

If the answer to this is NO, then it's time to confront your husband, get a mediator and put things on the table.

What does he want? What do you want?

Do you both want to continue in this marriage?

What are his responsibilities towards your son?

These need to be addressed without anymore delay. Being in a limbo state is not fun as it keeps you guessing and the uncertainty can cause a lot of stress.

Also, kindly sensitise your parents towards what you are going through, so that support you in this time of need.

Act NOW and whatever you decide, put yourself first and take care of you emotional state of mind.

Best wishes!

Dear AV,

Clearly a lot has happened and is happening which is rather unpleasant for you. This will disturb your peace of mind.

To ask me if your decision is right to divorce him is not a wise thing to do as the decision is yours to make.

You know your situation and you know what’s at stake and you also know what and how much you can take.

Firstly, hire a lawyer who is adept in dealing with cases of dowry demands and verbal abuse.

The correct step will be to narrate the situation to the lawyer as is and also tell him/her what you want to do and what you can derive financially out of the case if the divorce progresses.

Be prepared with what you want from and out of the divorce as every divorce lawyer will ask you this.

Also going prepared will cut down on the initial lawyer consultation fees. So, hire a good lawyer first.

Make sure that the initial wealth; all movable and immovable property given to you by your parents during the marriage that includes cash as well must be demanded back from your husband and his family.

You have a right over this streedhan. So, if you are filing for divorce, bear this in mind.

Secondly, to help you restore your mental health, I suggest that you actually pen the story of your married life down and each painful memory needs a release from your system.

It’s okay to be angry and spiteful towards the people involved but in the end for your own peace of mind, tell yourself that every story has an end and that instead of playing the victim, you will transform into a person who can take charge of her life and give the story a positive end.

Stop mulling over WHY it happened and move to WHAT CAN I DO NEXT.

Easier said than done? But being a problem space for too long will erode your wellbeing, so it’s wise to seek a solution.

Be brave and do the right thing. Never allow anyone to kill your spirit. All the best!