Hi, me and my husband are married for 12 years now, we have a daughter. Both of us are totally different, like north and south pole.
He is very extrovert, tries to be the centre of attention, always needs his social circle, his work, friends circle is all that matters to him.
I am a total introvert. I don't care about having friends, I hate parties, all that matters to me is my family.
First few years, he made me feel that I am a misfit in this world and I had a huge pressure to be an extrovert like him.
He was always like how can this famous Mr Extrovert can have such an introvert wife, that's so shameful. I tried changing myself because I was so desperate for his love and respect. All that mattered to him was my looks, how I conducted myself in front of people and after pregnancy, all that bothered him was my weight gain. I started hating myself, believed that maybe I just don't deserve to be loved. I went into depression after pregnancy. I had to leave my job to take care of my baby, his mom who was bed ridden by then, his dad who had serious health issues.
I told him, thought he would at least care then. It took him 3 years after that to even come with me to a psychiatrist. He never cared.
I always thought it’s my fault, tried to patch things up but now I am tired, really tired. I feel suffocated. I am afraid of separating from him.
As a person, he is good but we are totally misfit for each other. I still cannot come to terms with all the emotional abuse I went through.
He didn't intend to harm me, he thought he is only helping me to improve and be better but now, I don't know what to do, I am not happy.
Ans: Dear SN, It’s a wonder why anyone would go to such lengths to change themselves for another; especially their personalities: what makes them who they are! All in the name of saving relationships and love.
True love within a relationship doesn’t demand that the other person change themselves upside down, but it embraces who the other person is unconditionally.
And what makes you think that an extroverted person has the right to change an introverted person?
Did you try and change him to be like you? No! Then why is the reverse even being given so much importance. Also, your husband does not any right to mock you!
His world is different from yours as much as your world is different from yours. And kindly remember: Extroverts (if you want to label them), ate people who are happy with a lot of company around them, are vocal about liking being in a crowd and having a good time spending time with people.
They are not ones who poke fun at the way their spouses look, try and change them to suit their personalities.
So, who you are living with right now is a man with very poor self-esteem and huge insecurities and is blaming you for these and trying to change you will make him feel better.
Do not feed into this game; as once you begin to show that you will yield to his demands, that’s all you are going to do for life. He has to change from within!
He has to understand that what is going on within him is the cause of his misery and not you. But of course, doing something for a spouse even when you don’t like it has to be out of your own will and not forced. Now you take a call as to how you are going to deal with this in your marriage.
READ WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN: He didn't intend to harm me, he thought he is only helping me to improve and be better!
Do you really need help or does he? You have started to actually believe that you are at fault and that it is your problem.
Bottom line: You change only if you wish to and that too with things that don’t challenge your value systems. Never be forced into anything; period!
Either sit him down and assert this point or ask him to visit a professional to take care of his state of mind.
All the best!
