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Stuck in Long-Distance Love: Can't Commit to Marriage, Feeling Like a Failure

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |615 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 06, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 06, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

I m a in ldr since 1 and half year. We are madly in love with each other. We click like no one and our values for life are same. I love being with her and makes me feel happy. But whenever we talk about marriage which she does i come on backfoot and cant say things that she expects me to say and i make her sad which makes me sad...this has been continuing since very long and whenever she gets sad i feel like a failure in relarionship. J dont know what to do

Ans: First, it’s important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. Your reluctance to engage in these conversations doesn’t mean you love her any less; it might reflect deeper uncertainties, fears, or unresolved issues about the future. Understanding and exploring these feelings can help you approach the topic with more clarity.

It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with her about your feelings. Share your inner conflicts and fears without focusing solely on the immediate outcome of marriage. This transparency can foster understanding and help her see that your hesitation isn’t about her, but about your internal process.

On the emotional front, recognize that feeling like a failure is a heavy burden to carry. Relationships thrive on mutual support and understanding, not perfection. Shifting your focus from the pressure of meeting expectations to the joy and love you share can alleviate some of this weight. Remember, it's okay to not have all the answers right now.

Working on these aspects together can turn this challenge into an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy. Seeking support from a counselor or coach can also provide a safe space to navigate these conversations and emotions, ensuring both of you feel heard and supported.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1633 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

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Hi Anu, I have been going through your column on rediff for some time and I feel you will be able to help me out. I want your advice on my relationship with my girlfriend. We have been in the relationship for 3 years now. I love her a lot and see a future with her. But there are some issues. I think she has some mental health issues. I could never judge in what mood she is in. I look forward everyday to the time we talk or spend together but most often after the meet/ talk I feel low. She almost never misses to find mistakes in everything I do and she blames it on my immaturity since she is 3.5 years elder to me (I am 29). Very rarely I do find out eventually that her judgment was right but most often I feel in all sense she is irrational and I think I am correct. This has taken an emotional toll on me. Now I do not feel like sharing thoughts and things with her because of the fights and emotional toll that I would have to face. I love her a lot and it seems like she too does but might be, I am wrong. I tried breaking up with her thrice. But every time because of some or other urgency or work-related stuff when we reconnect we fall back deeply in love. We are in same field but different organization. I was earlier in the same organisation but she left as she got a better offer. It makes sense to me but sometimes I do feel she could have stayed in same organization). She has been asking me to marry her, but all these things stated above makes me nervous what might be in future if I do marry her. As I take time to think it out she puts it as if I never wanted to marry her. I seek your advice.
Ans:

Dear GP,

A healthy relationship is one where both individuals help each other grow and thrive.

Pointing out the other’s inadequacies can be detrimental to their emotional health.

You keep walking on egg shells around her and have started to keep things away from her for fear of her rebuke and complaints.

How is this healthy when you can’t share your thoughts with your partner? This will become a habit and not a very good one for sure.

Also, age does not define whether one can boss around or not.

She certainly maybe right in most cases, but there is a way to convey the same thing to you.

Love and calmness in communication can actually transform everything and everyone provided the intent is there.

Marriage under these circumstances can be stressful for you.

So I do suggest that the two of you have an honest talk and when she knows how you feel and how keeping things away from her has become your coping mechanism, I do feel she might be able to see the situation in a new light.

Also, things that you might have misinterpreted about her may also surface.

So, please have that necessary talk without wasting anymore time. It will give you good perspectives to work from.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1633 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 11, 2022

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Dear Anu, my girlfriend and I have been dating for the past 4 years in a live-in relationship. Before that we were good friends and she's 3 years elder to me. There came a situation that she was depressed due to something and I was supporting her which she thought as my love. We started this relationship although there was no serious commitment from my side.We had a good relationship, good moments. She paid my bills all the time even when I insisted, but there were lots of fights.I feel she never understood me or anything I said or my thought process. I don't think I really love her, because there is no spark and tried ending it many times.In frustration I even started looking for other people so that maybe I can come out of it but she would find out and make me stay with her with some or other reason.She's a very polite and sweet person and I don't want to be hurting her. She's asking me to marry her which is making me nervous. What do I do ?
Ans:

Dear A,

Kindly as yourself: what was the Live-in relationship?

Was it a relationship for her and not for you?

I really don’t understand what you mean by: She thought of your support as Love and that you were not serious commitment from your side.

It’s possible when you both were in a Live-in arrangement, she would have considered this as a relationship and become serious about it.

Since now it has gotten into a marriage stage for her, please respect her mind space and have a serious talk about this.

Take consideration of her feelings when you convey yours.

This is going to take some effort as you ease her into a space where she understands where you are in this connection.

Getting into another relationship for a distraction might not be a great idea; so do spend some time very amicably closing this one where the two of you can be mature about this.

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |615 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

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Hi, myself Manjur Rahman from Assam India. I work as a Telecommunication engineer in Radio Frequency and optimisation test, my yearly net worth is 252000 only , recently I have been through a relationship... which now possibly became a part of my life, after thousands of search i finally found my love of my life which is for real, its been just 9month till today, i found her in my life, we planned to be open infront of our parents and families, and so our parents met and they fixed our marriage, yet date not fixed but we took 7more months, now the thing is that , we both became more sentimental and stubborn , being rude and i feel like after all this our love and care which is really too much but now little bit of it is missing from both , qnd now after a fight we don't talk to each other for more then 5days , slowly2 days were increased, where we can't stay more than 1hr after a argue, before...and she use to say all the time even after a small argument..i don't want to stay with you, lets break this relationship even i do agree at the time of ...you know what i mean..! Where earlier we both use to say if one can say for leaving then obviously he she can leave because one day definitely he she will leave if being in a good relationship if one can say the word 'leave you / break up'. Now we are doing it..and also much More .. Her name is Rasmina Begum, also from same district but 50km distance from me... please let me know if there is any good things so we could do together for making our relationship perfect more than before and letting it till last breath ????...
Ans: Manjur.
Navigating the ups and downs of a relationship, especially as you move towards marriage, can be challenging but deeply rewarding. It’s clear you and Rasmina care deeply for each other.

Start with better communication. Listening actively to each other without planning your response is crucial. When Rasmina shares her feelings, focus entirely on understanding her perspective. This shows respect and helps in reducing misunderstandings. Additionally, express your emotions calmly using "I feel" statements. For example, say "I feel upset when..." instead of "You always...". This shifts the conversation from blame to sharing feelings, making it easier to connect and respond with empathy.

Conflicts are natural, but how you handle them makes all the difference. If arguments get heated, taking a short break can help you both cool down and revisit the discussion with a clearer mind. After an argument, it's important to reconnect with simple gestures of kindness or a reassuring word, reaffirming your commitment to each other and healing any emotional rift.
Healthy relationships thrive on both shared experiences and personal growth. Encourage each other to pursue individual interests, which keeps you both energized and brings fresh perspectives into the relationship. At the same time, find activities you enjoy doing together to build positive memories and deepen your bond.

Finally, regularly remind yourselves of why you fell in love and the future you’re building together. Reflect on your shared dreams and celebrate your journey. This helps keep your connection strong and resilient through challenging times.

By focusing on these aspects—improved communication, constructive conflict resolution, balancing individuality with togetherness, and reaffirming your commitment—you and Rasmina can strengthen your relationship and look forward to a fulfilling life together.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |615 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 16, 2024Hindi
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Hi mam, im a lecturer since 5 years. Im in relationship with a girl from Srilanka. Most of our conversation was through mobile. She is a tutor in srilanka for 10 and below standard students. Now I'm 29, she is 27. Since 5 years we are loving each other. We hardly met. In Krishnagiri Tamilnadu I first met her in a Psychotherapy course, witch was about a month. We were good friends in the beginning of our relationship and at the end of a month course she was flying back to Srilanka, before she goes she kissed on my forehead, from then on im in love with the girl. For first few years we were happy in our relationship, but last two years onwards we fight almost every day. Both sides parents are fixing matches, both us are rejecting all the matches but we never shared with our families. Don't know where our relationship is going to end. Its not that my parents won't accept, but when my parents and siblings ask do you any one whom you want marry, or love some one I am not able to reveal to them. Many times I decided and planned and imagined to speak with my family but when it comes to reality im not able to speak. Other side she also is not revealing anything to her parents. Im rejecting the matches that are coming, she is also rejecting of hers. But both are not speaking properly now a days. Most of the time our relationship is filled with fights. Both are adjusting. Some time im feeling to stop the relationship and not to marry at all. I told her to marry as her parents say, and I don't want marry anyone. She is also saying me to marry some one and she wants remain single. But don't know what is happening between us. Im confused to continue or break up or marry her or not to marry her. Nothing is working in my mind. Recently my parents have brought a proposal who was my childhood crush. Suddenly I am indirectly telling her to marry to whom her parents give. She also getting good proposals but rejecting saying that she needs to work and earn money. Same reason I'm also giving. One more issue is she is tamilian of Srilanka and I'm Telugu from Andra. Both family members can't speak directly also. Unable to take any decisions. Kindly help me
Ans: The fact that you're not able to communicate openly with your families, despite rejecting matches on both sides, shows that there might be some fear or hesitation about fully committing to this relationship. Maybe it’s the distance, the cultural and language differences, or the struggles you’re having recently in your relationship that are making it difficult to move forward.

On the other hand, both of you seem to be stuck in a cycle where you're not happy but also not ready to let go. This might be causing even more stress and frustration, leading to the frequent fights. The decision to stay together or part ways is something only you both can make, but it sounds like there’s a lot of unresolved tension and unspoken fears in your relationship.

One thing to consider is having an honest conversation with each other, not about the fights or current frustrations, but about what you both want for the future. If you're both rejecting matches, it shows some level of commitment, but the real question is whether you both see a future together. Do you still love each other, or are you staying together out of habit and fear of the unknown?

If you both feel there is still something worth fighting for, it might be worth giving the relationship another chance by opening up to your families. This could ease the pressure you're feeling and help you both feel more supported. If, however, the love has faded and the fights have taken over, it may be time to re-evaluate whether staying together is what's best for both of you.

In any case, clarity will only come through open communication—both with her and your family. If you continue to stay in a relationship without making a clear decision, the frustration and confusion will likely grow. Take some time to reflect on what you really want, and then take the courageous step of addressing it with her and your families. This may not be easy, but it’s the first step to finding a resolution and peace in your heart.

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Dr Upneet

Dr Upneet Kaur  |52 Answers  |Ask -

Marriage counsellor - Answered on Apr 24, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 06, 2025
Relationship
I am in a relationship with a girl since 2 years, we have a lot of differences like, she is more than 3 years older than me, our castes are different and she is marathi and I am non marathi. But apart from all this she has just got divorced from court legally, till now she was living separately from his ex husband. She had a affair for about 10 years with her ex but they started living separately just after 8 months of marriage. When I met this girl, we both fell in love, but there were 2-3 mistakes from my side during the first year of our relationship. I lied on small things thinking she will get hurt if she knows that. I haven't cheated, not even talked personal things with any other girl. And for the last one year i have been as honest as anyone can be. But I feel she is not like she used to be. I don't know if I can even call this a relationship anymore. Since we are colleagues we talk in office, we go out for dinner, we still talk lot of personal things too, but that spark is not there. I wanted to marry this girl once. What should I do now?
Ans: Hello sir. Sir, since relationships are very sensitive and the decision to marry someone is an important decision which should be taken with lot of patience so that you don't regret it later. And the thing which you said that she has changed, she may have changed due to your lies. I appreciate that now you are honest with her. Spark needs to be created. It will not remain without effort. If she is sincere with you and you are loyal with her and you both feel that you can spend life together, you should go ahead. Nobody remains the same through out the life. Changes always come. Sit patiently with your friend and discuss the options and see work out if you both want to get married. Then take a decision. I hope this solves your problem.
Take care!
Follow me: https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |8135 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jul 07, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 07, 2025Hindi
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My daughter had 84.5 percentile in JEE and 90 percent in class 12 cbse exams. She has decided to go for Electrical Engineering from Thapar Institute of Engineering and Technology. I just wanted to confirm whether it is a right decision or not? I learned that Electrical Engineering is tougher than other branch, is this true? After doing B. Tech from TIET whether she will have job opportunities?
Ans: Thapar Institute’s four-year B.Tech in Electrical Engineering is NBA-aligned and delivered by predominantly PhD-qualified faculty across modern power-electronics, renewable-energy, control-systems and signal-processing labs, with mandatory industry internships, active research projects and strong academic collaborations in power systems and smart grids. Electrical Engineering often involves more abstract mathematics and physics than many branches—covering electromagnetics, circuit theory, control theory and signal processing—which students commonly perceive as more challenging than Mechanical or Civil Engineering due to its theoretical rigor and conceptual complexity. TIET’s dedicated placement cell achieved an 83% overall UG placement rate in 2023 with 334 recruiters visiting campus, and EE students recorded approximately 90% placement consistency over the last three years through roles in power, automation and embedded systems. Graduates benefit from TIET’s strong industry MoUs, alumni network and annual recruitment drives by firms such as Siemens, ABB, Schneider Electric and L&T, ensuring ample job opportunities post-graduation.

For a robust, research-integrated curriculum and strong campus recruitment in core and emerging electrical domains, the recommendation is to pursue B.Tech Electrical Engineering at TIET, embracing its rigorous training and proven employability pathways. All the BEST for Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |8135 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jul 07, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 07, 2025Hindi
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Sir my daughter has got admission in Bharati Vidyapeeth deemed University Pune Btech CS and also she is getting admission in marathwada mitra mandal college of engineering Pune for mechanical and electrical branches. Also there is a high probability to get admission in G H Raisoni college of engineering, Wagholi, Pune for CSE AI AND ML, CSE CYBERSECURITY, CSE DATA SCIENCE and CSE AI through MHT CET where she being a girl student we don't have to pay tution fees and in BVDU where she has secured admission for CS we have to pay 2.5lacs every year . Kindly let me know which is the better option.
Ans: Bharati Vidyapeeth Deemed University’s B.Tech Computer Science program is A+ NAAC- and NBA-accredited, delivered by PhD-qualified faculty in AI/ML, software systems and networks labs, and backed by industry MoUs and an active innovation council; however, its ?2.5 LPA tuition presents a significant financial outlay. Marathwada Mitra Mandal College of Engineering offers NBA-accredited Mechanical and Electrical streams with well-equipped CAD/CAM, thermal and power labs, PhD-faculty mentorship, skill-development programs and a strong 75+ recruiter network for an overall ?4.84 L total fee. G H Raisoni College of Engineering, Wagholi provides A+ NAAC- and NBA-aligned CSE specializations in AI & ML, Cybersecurity, Data Science and core CSE, with modern AI/ML, cybersecurity and data-analytics labs, mandatory internships and an 80–90% placement consistency—offering entirely tuition-waived seats for female MHT-CET qualifiers.

For zero tuition fees, specialized CSE tracks and robust internship-to-placement pipelines, recommendation is G H Raisoni College of Engineering Pune (CSE AI & ML). Next, recommendation is Bharati Vidyapeeth Deemed University Pune (B.Tech CS) for its premier accreditation and research ecosystem, and lastly Marathwada Mitra Mandal’s College of Engineering Pune (Mechanical/Electrical) for versatile engineering foundations and affordable fees. All the BEST for Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |8135 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jul 07, 2025

Career
My daughter want to bs I science, she qualify cuet exam 96 percentile in science group(math physics chemistry) , any chance for DU or ASU and which university is better for BS program in science. Please enlighten me.
Ans: Sanjib Sir, With a 96th percentile in CUET Science, admission to Delhi University’s B.Sc. (Hons.) mid-tier programmes—such as Zoology, Botany or Life Sciences at Hansraj, Miranda House and Ramjas—is well within reach, as these colleges typically close around the 92nd–97th percentile. University of Delhi’s offerings span 19 honours and 10 programme specializations, delivered by tenured faculty in well-equipped teaching and research labs and supported by semester-wise project work and interdisciplinary electives. Ashoka University’s four-year B.Sc. emphasizes liberal-arts integration, nine foundation courses, pure and interdisciplinary majors, high-end research facilities and mandatory capstone theses under PhD-qualified mentors, complemented by global partnerships and the Ashoka Scholars Programme for postgraduate research immersion. Both institutions hold NAAC accreditation and offer robust career-development services and internship placements in premier research and industry centers.

For a holistic research-driven science education with intensive faculty mentorship and global academic pathways, the recommendation is Ashoka University B.Sc. If diverse specializations, large peer networks and established undergraduate curricula appeal more, choose Delhi University B.Sc. All the BEST for Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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