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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |211 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 23, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Mar 21, 2024Hindi
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Hi I'm a 35 year old unmarried female working in IT field. I live with my parents. I've been unlucky in finding a perfect partner for myself (arrange marriage proposals only). N I'm tired of this entire process now. Have never been in love or relationship earlier. I want to get married desperately to have that companion for me in my life as an emotional anchor. My parents are old n my elder brother's health is deteriorated enough that doctors said he doesn't have much time to live. I'm so much into all these issues at home that i feel i don't have a personal space at all. Recently I came across an alliance from a well trusted relative's friend who's a divorcee, within a month of marriage (n because of the wife's past relationship that was hidden during marriage), they applied mutual divorce. My horoscope has some dosha which seems to be perfectly matching with this person's jatakam. I've been asked twice to think about this alliance as he's genuinely a good person. Kindly advise me what best I can do now.

Ans: It sounds like you're facing a lot of pressure and stress from various aspects of your life, including your family situation and the pressure to get married. Its understandable that you feel desperate to find a life partner given your family circumstances, but it's important not to rush into a decision. Marriage is a significant commitment, and it's crucial to take the time to make sure you're making the right choice for yourself.Consider carefully the alliance that has been proposed to you. Take the time to get to know the person and assess whether you share compatible values, goals, and lifestyles. Look beyond the superficial aspects such as horoscope matching and focus on the substance of the relationship.If you have any reservations or doubts about the alliance, don't hesitate to communicate them openly and honestly with your family. It's essential to have open communication and ensure that your concerns are addressed before moving forward.Given the stress you're experiencing at home with your brother's health and your parents' situation, it's essential to prioritize your own well-being. Consider seeking support from friends, family members, or a counselor who can provide guidance and perspective during this challenging time.If you're feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to get married through arranged marriage proposals, consider exploring alternative avenues for finding a life partner. This could include online dating, social events, or networking through mutual connections.Take some time to focus on yourself and your own needs and desires outside of the pressure to get married. Pursue hobbies, interests, and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, and prioritize self-care to maintain your emotional well-being.Ultimately, trust your instincts and intuition when it comes to making decisions about your future and your happiness. Don't feel pressured to conform to societal expectations or family pressures if it doesn't feel right for you.
Remember that your happiness and well-being are paramount, and it's essential to prioritize your own needs and desires as you navigate this challenging time in your life. Take things one step at a time and trust that you will find the right path forward for yourself.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |906 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 11, 2022

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 Dear Ma'am, I have been in a relationship since the last 4 years with a person 8 years older to me. We're of different caste plus I'm still in my career building phase and I can't even think of taking it to the next level. Also, since last few months the relationship has been a pain in my neck, it has been damaging my inner peace and equilibrium. He leaves and then comes back, each time I'm firm that I won't resume it but I do love him more than anything else so we get back together. In this entire process, I feel too exhausted now and the damage feels beyond repair. He's 31 already and his parents are forcing him for marriage now. Considering the impracticable situations, I know he has already given up on us but continues to be around for the emotional comfort he gets from me. He doesn't understand that it's damaging me, I can't run around in circles. He thinks let's continue it till we can, but what after that? He'll suddenly tell me he's getting married and what then? What would I do with all the anger and dissent within? Everyone around me keeps telling me to leave him because of all these reasons. Also, I'm in my early 20s and I have an entire life in front of me, I want to build my career. Also, I don't feel the need to see someone else just as a relapse or desperate situation, I'm a very conserved person that way. But I do need to break this toxic cycle and regain the control over my life. I want to grow and prosper, but this entire myriad of emotions drags me down..Please tell me what to do? Thanking you in anticipation.
Ans:

Dear SB,

What are you? His emotional sponge?

One thing I want to appeal to you is: Self-respect is something that we are so ready to give up for just a little love and attention. And the way you treat yourself is how others will treat you.

You are in your early 20s and you have an entire life in front of you and you want to build your career.

With the current space that you are in, do you feel you are choosing wisely to fulfil what you want from life and for yourself?

Also, are there other ways in which you can bring this relationship together. Like sitting him down and talking; maybe an elder in the family can do this.

If nothing works, remember, your life, your choice, your terms…nothing and no one can mess with your peace of mind unless you give them the permission to do so.

You want to prosper, then think and act in a manner that will allow you to prosperity and think of losing all that is keeping from feeling this prosperity.

Step up, take charge of your life NOW. All the best.

Disclaimer: All content and media herein is written and published online for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. It should not be relied on as your only source for advice.

Please always seek the guidance of your doctor or a qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. Do not ever disregard the advice of a medical professional, or delay in seeking it because of something you have read herein.

If you believe you may have a medical or mental health emergency, please call your doctor, go to the nearest hospital, or call emergency services or emergency helplines immediately. If you choose to rely on any information provided herein, you do so solely at your own risk.

Opinions expressed herein cannot necessarily provide advice to fit the exact specifics of the issues of the person requesting advice.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |906 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 20, 2021

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My name is 'X' and I belong to a middle class family. Right now, I am 46 and my marriage was solemnised about 10 yrs back. It was a totally arranged marriage would like to state here that I didn't like the girl or her appearance right from the start. I am a teacher by profession and my mother wanted her would be daughter- in law to have a similar background that is like that of a teacher. Initially, I was hesitant to marry this girl selected by my parents, but then I consented to the marriage thinking that whatever my elders and my parents had thought about my future would be the correct decision related to my life. Moreover, everybody had started to say that the girl would suit me. But right from the 1st day of marriage, I started resenting the relationship. Nothing happened between us on the 1st night of marriage. The girl didn't have any specific faults, but somehow she didn't appear to be attractive at all for me. The colour of her skin was dark, maybe I wanted a fair skinned girl. Finally, the situation came to such an extent that she, in collusion with her family, lodged a false case of domestic violence against us because they felt that the girl was unfairly neglected by me. They also wanted to derive unfair financial gain at my parents and my cost. The case continued for 7 years and ultimately we won it. And now, after many years, I have once again started to feel that I should marry even though I am of advanced age. I want a partner who is attractive, beautiful and above all, who is so matured in her outlook that after marriage, we will not even care for any petty issues and not fight over silly matters. I am also taking the help of Shaadi.com in this matter through all the attractive membership schemes launched by them. Now, at this juncture, I really need your advice as to whether I should proceed forward and take this step at my age. This is moreso because as a life partner, I want an elite kind of girl who is far above the kind of girl which we see in most common middle-class societies. I do not want to disclose my name.
Ans: Dear KS, before you proceed on this journey of finding a life partner for yourself, it is time to rework your strong beliefs on appearance, skin colour etc.

What went wrong with your first marriage maybe anybody’s guess, but there’s no judging here!

Not that, you were coerced into it; you fully know you always had the option of saying you didn’t want to marry the girl.

Yet, you went ahead convincing yourself that your family knew what they were doing for you.

The unfair financial gain that they wanted might have been a direct result of the unfair treatment from you towards their daughter.

Did that occur to you?

You say you want a life partner who will not rake up petty issues and be matured as well, don’t you feel that is what she will expect from you as well?

Since I don’t have the details, it would be unfair of me to presume anymore on this.

It was to simply turn your head towards how your old-fashioned thinking might step into your next marriage as well?

How would you feel if on the first night in your next marriage, your wife comments on your physical appearance or your performance in bed?

Are you going to walk around with a high self-esteem even after that?

Let’s now lead you to a place that can make it a beautiful experience for you…

So much has changed and I truly wish that you look at your spouse for what she can add into your life instead of harping on what she doesn’t possess?

I mean, as humans the flaws that we walk around, if it were pointed to us on a daily basis, it would depress us to a point that we may end up feeling that we are not good enough.

What I would suggest after having worked with couples over years helping them rebuild their marriages is to change your way of thinking and embrace the next person for who she is once you know your initial check boxes have been ticked that might involve matching value systems.

This helps in rooting your marriage on a strong foundation; rain or storm, the two of you will be smiling and holding hands to walk the journey together.

Wishing you a beautiful life!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |906 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 18, 2023

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Hi Anu , This Raaj here this side, I have seen your views on the relationship here on this site . so for that I need your help and your valuable expertise . About myself I am 42 yrs self employed businessman ,I got married in march 2010, it was a arrange marriage . from the day 1 there is a problem and it increases day after day. From the that wedlock I had baby girl . from 2012 situation got worsened matrimonial cases started it continued for next 4-5 yrs . after long battle I got divorced in 2016-17. This divorce cost me a lot , bcoz of that I lost my friends , social stigma, financial lost ( hefty alimony)and lot other problem which are associated with this . Now the main problem comes here , as after my divorce I was not ready to get re marry again but my parents are pressuring mr to get settle again ASAP. After long persuation I said ok …. I started searching my own and parents also started there own . In last 4 yrs I have seen lot of prospects ……..( kissi ko main nahi pasand , kissi ko mera kamm nahi pasand , kissi ko mere parents ke sath rehna nahi pasand …….. kissio ko meri income se problem hai,……………toa kuch mujhe nahi jachi.)there is lot of pressure on me that I should be perfect now after my divorce . after all this I had few good prospects ………….1. she was good but she wasnot happy with my income , she said no to me initially but continued talking and we are still in touch as she moved to Australia in APR 2019.As now we r really very good friends now ,Jab main usme interested tha toa usne na boll diya ………but jab usne dubarra reconsider karke propose kiya toa maine na boll diya. Than in 2020 COVID hits which upsets everybody’s life .360degree . In NOV 2020 I met 1 girl on one of the matrimonial sites ….we shared our details stated talking to each other , she liked me but didn’t responded her positively but continued our talks………in march2021 pata nahi kaise aur kyu …..maine use propose kiya…… maine use milne uske passd gaya ……….we talked …..shared our thoughts ….spend good time ……..but raat ko ghar vapis aa ke maine use NO kar diya . REASON is not known ya kahu toa main darr gaya tha .because of this she also got upst and that makes her depressed. For next 10 days I was so depressed I didn’t had my proper meal ……nothing all. I was in guilt ,that make me depressed for really long . I was only thinking about her only all the time nothing else, On 2nd JULY 21 ko maine pher user message kiya ………. After 2-3 days after my sorry and all that we started talking again. Everything stated good again .now in last week of july 2021 my father got severe heart attack ……and he had a surgery . Now they are pressuring me again that I should get settle soon ……..all my family members and sister and all. Maine Phir usko marriage ke liye tyar kiya aur phir batt ko STOP kar diya . and this tym mujhe gharwalo se aur sab se bahut anbun ho gayi. Ab mujhe samaj aa rahi ki main kya karu . main shaddi to karna chata hoon par kissi pe trust nahi kar pa raha hoon . mere ghar valo ka mujh pe bahut pressure hai . there are some other problem which I would like to disscuss in future . pls help me what should I do , I m feeling helpless . Thanks Raaj
Ans: Dear Raaj,
What is it that you want?
You seem to ready to get into a relationship because your family thinks so, your father had a heart attack and then they pressure you to find a girl to marry.
So, what is it that you want and want to do?
And the possible reason for not striking a chord with the women that you were interacting with. When you have decided what you want, it will show up in your body language, facial gestures and within the conversation. You are possibly still healing from your divorce and are not ready to get into another marriage. So, don't. First, sort your mind out and then think of another relationship.
So kindly, start to think for yourself ignoring what your family tells you. Yes, you need to do that. Family pressure is no reason to get married; of course they mean well and care for you. But, what you want is what matters here.
So, if you want to stop feeling helpless, take charge of your life and do what you think is right for you. Heal from your divorce and think about what you need in another relationship and in your partner. When you ready, then it's time. So, no more helplessness, only strength.

All the best!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |205 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on May 19, 2023

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I'm 48 years old never married guy. I once suffered from rare cancer which is cured now. Also hv epilepsy whose treatment will go life long. Doctor says that i should disclose my health issue with whom I'm thinking of getting married but no one takes talks further. I'm infact ready for divorcee or widow too but failed. Some ppl reject me as my salary is mot much, some says that i dont hv my own hm etc but i hv many friens who are getting less salary but are happily married. My whole family if highly educated although I'm also pg but still get rejected. My dad expired n was too worried for my marriage. Now my mother is with me n i dont know what to do. I hv spend approx 35k on matrimonial advertisements but got no success. Im currently in touch with girl for last 1+ year but dont know whether she likes me or not although i hd expressed my feelings to her many times but she never respond n get silent on that. Kindly help whether i should approach this girl or leave her. I like this girl very much. Should i still search for a bride or leave this issue. Kindly help.
Ans: Dear Shashank,

If you have been straightforward about your feelings for this woman and expressed the same and yet she has never reciprocated it even once so far, it might be because she does not feel the same about it. I'd suggest you talk to her about this. Instead of leaving it open-ended, like "I like you," and letting her react to it, be direct. For instance, "I like you. What about you? Do you like me?" Being direct would definitively fetch you some real answers. If she replies to your question, there you go; you have your answer. If she ignores it still, you can safely assume that she doesn't feel the same way as you do. Don't delay this; ask her as soon as possible. Stretching a relationship that ultimately leads to a dead-end will harm your peace and happiness in the longer run.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |906 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 22, 2024Hindi
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Dear Anu, please keep it anonymous. I am 36 year old , married and with a kid. Though i am married , i have fallen aparr from my spouse and we don’t stay together since many years. In the last couple of years, I fell in love with a much younger person who happens to be my colleague. We are a great couple sharing and caring. We have been intimate too. Now, since two months They are searching for my lover's marriage. There is no resistance from my lover for this. My lover also tell that it was to happen and we have no future, my parents wont allow. Im trying to keep distance but because of work we keep meeting. Everytime the push pull is eating me up...im unable to work. Please advise what should I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
So, the younger chap had his fun and now when you look for emotional support, he talks of no future together.
What does this tell you? Should you allow yourself to be a part of the push and pull drama? Also, without a closure from your marriage, this is just going to be an off-on relationship. It's time you acknowledge that you are more into this than he is...
Safeguard your mind now by drawing lines where necessary...
As far as meeting at the workplace, you will now face resistance from him, he might even fail to acknowledge your presence...And this will hurt; that's why I suggested it's more than a heartbreak, a mind game...Become your own best friend and do the right think for yourself!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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