My wife had an affair before marriage.
She did not tell me about it.
After marriage, when I asked her, she admitted it but said she had no feelings for him any more.
How can I trust her when she did not tell me before marriage?
Should I divorce her?
L

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What seems to bother you more?
The fact that she is not a virgin or the fact that she hid it from you.
Why I ask this question is because it will help you evaluate your feelings stemming from which of the two it is...
I do understand that you feel cheated and there is significant amount of trust lost...
Also, I gather from you that you have strong feelings about chastity, purity etc and this is fair in your world as it is part of your core beliefs.
Now let's see things for what they are...she possibly didn't tell you because she knew that you might reject the proposal OR that she wanted to start afresh and many more OR she was forced into this marriage...But the fact that it has begun to eat at your peace of mind suggests that you must speak with her about it. Tell her exactly how you have felt being lied to.
Ask her if she still is interested in being in the marriage and ask yourself the same question. If there is any scope of reconciliation and putting this scene behind you, then it maybe worthwhile to rebuild the marriage from scratch. But if your belief comes in the way and you are unable to make peace with the fact that she hid this fact, everyday will be torturous.
Whatever the decision, I suggest talking it through together without blame games as this will only lead to anger and more conflict rather than leading to a decision point.

All the best!

Ans: It's understandable that your wife's revelation is bothering you, even though the relationship ended before you got married. The key here is that she trusted you enough to share this with you, which shows her commitment to being honest and open in your marriage.

It's important to remember that everyone has a past, and what matters most is the relationship you both have now. Focus on the trust and bond you share today. If you find that these feelings continue to bother you, it might help to have a calm, honest conversation with her about how you're feeling. Express your emotions without blaming or judging, and work together to reassure each other.

If these feelings persist and affect your relationship, seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could be beneficial. They can help you navigate these emotions and strengthen your bond.

Ans: Dear Shristi,
What's done is done! You can't turn the clock backwards now...Yes, you are hurt by what she has done and trust is lost...now, is it possible to regain that trust?
I will ask you: Do you want to trust her again? it will happen only if you choose it...else the mind will only be focused on how not to trust her. If she does not pick your call, you may assume that she is with the other guy OR if she reads your text message and does not reply, you may assume that she is chatting with the other guy...The possibilities that will crop in the mind will be unlimited and it will bring in unlimited stress. You can see from your own example how your mind has begun to question if she has had multiple lovers...this is the way the mind will torture you.

So, either you decide to trust her OR not; it's up to you...If NO, then you have a lot of decisions to make...If YES, you really must put the past aside and then find a way of building your marriage. It will require both of you to work as a team and bring the best into the marriage. So, what is it that you want? Just focus on that and move ahead!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
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