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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 30, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymus Question by Anonymus on May 30, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Hello Love Guru.
Let me start with, please do not disclose my name/email.
That aside, I fell in love with my now wife about 3.5 years ago now but she feels like I betrayed her. The problem I created for myself.
When my first girlfriend broke up with me by cheating on me the day she moved away she accepted everything. This was someone who I back then thought was the one and the relationship went on for 5 years. I was down in a very bad way!
I struggled to come out of it for a couple years and during that I found out that I enjoyed any attention given to me by any beautiful girl. Even if the attention was just temporary flirting.
During my single days, while I was struggling with money and keeping a good job I found a girl who I knew from back in the day and she started flirting with me on day 1 which made me smile a lot.
A few weeks after that was the first time I met my now wife and somehow, I knew very quickly that I wanted this beautiful and powerful woman be the one I marry.
What I did stupidly is I thought harmless flirting is a non-issue and continued (only flirting and met three times in six months for food and drinks).
FYI, this girl knew that I wasn't interested and this was just fun and that I had started to feel love for someone else -- there was no physical intimacy of any kind with this girl. We were just going out to dates once every two months and would talk on phone at times.
The moment I realised that things were moving fast with my now wife, I stopped everything and just focused on my wife.
The problem is, I never told my wife fearing she wouldn't understand as she has a very narrow view of a relationship between man and woman.
Then one day, three years later, my wife decided to check my old drive and found backup of my old phone with about 5-8 pictures of the previous girl and me sitting in a restaurant, taking selfies and laughing.
My wife after this reached the conclusion that I betrayed her. My wife knows there was no physical intimacy, she knows she was just a friend but she still feels that I have betrayed her.
Since then she has moved to her parent's house and she refuses to come back with me. She says that she has no faith in me anymore and that I might do this again. She says that I was happier with that girl than I am with my wife.
What do I do? I don't want to lose my wife.

Ans:

I think this is a massive overreaction on her part.

You met a girl at the side a few times when you were dating your wife. So what?

Yes, I do think it was stupid to hide it from her and you should have come clean, but also what were you hiding exactly? It was a harmless meet-up with a female friend and nothing came of it!

Tell your wife to take her marriage a little more seriously and these silly circumstances a little less seriously and come home already!

If she’s this stuck-up about such small issues, I think she needs therapy.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1527 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

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Relationship
Hi I have been married to my college mate for more than 11 years now with a girl child of 8+ years.Wife and I were good friend for 2 years followed by live in for 4 years before we got married. We got into marriage unprepared financially and mentally.My wife is a great responsible caring person -- way more mature than I am. I am a bit childish and emotional, very talkative and expressive person.When I travelled to another city after 5 years of marriage for higher studies, I got involved with another girl. We were very much alike in terms of personalities. We could talk endlessly and were very compatible in all sense. We even got physical and felt like we’d never had this experience before. The thing is she too was recently married to another person quite like my wife.We tried to get separated from our previous relationships but the girl’s family couldn't bear the family pressure and her husband though good otherwise took this on his ego.I waited for 3 years for her to come out.In the mean time I was almost on the verge of breaking my marriage because whatever connection I had with my wife had almost come down to negligible.That girl too had to be in that forcible relationship with no connection at all and had to adopt a child to survive the dead relationship.I got into a messy situation too -- a marriage with no connection but a lovely child.I have a connection with that girl but without living together.I don’t know if I can start a new life and if I do, how much I will be involved with it. Absolutely messed up emotionally and physically. Although my wife and I are financially stable as both of us are officers.That girl too is a medical practitioner but I have no idea if she will ever be able to come out. Plz tell me what to do.I prayed a lot, read lots of books, tried meditation, counselling, still I am in the middle of nowhere.
Ans:

Dear HK,

Why exactly did you feel the need to get into a relationship with another person?

Did your current relationship lack anything that the other relationship was fulfilling you with?

How exactly did the relationship with your wife deteriorate? Did the two of you make efforts to communicate enough in that long distance relationship?

How do you say your marriage is one without connection? How did you lose that connection?

Now, do you plan on continuing in your marriage or move on? If you have decided to move on, isn’t it time for you to come out to your wife and share what has happened?

These questions are possibly ones that are very difficult to face and answer as they bring out the truth; but they will help you get a better grasp of the situation.

It’s nice to live an alternate reality life for some time and relish the goodness but coming back to your real life that holds the ‘real you’ and your responsibilities isn’t something that can be ignored any longer. So, as much as you feel that you are in the middle of nowhere, I see no mention of what your wife must be feeling right at this very moment.

It would help to put things in perspective and talk this out as adults, (and yes, you do owe her that) so that both of you can come to an amicable decision to live more peacefully.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1527 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am 47 year old. I have 2 kids one is in adolescent in age and other is 8 y.o. I and my wife are very much comfort and enjoy sex life since inception of our marriage. But, from last 7 years, i am in relation with a beautiful girl, whom i met as a sex worker, when she was 24. Her only source of income is her work (i.e., sex work). She is astonishingly beautiful. I went mad after since the day i met her. thought i could not do sex at first time, i did it in the next time and till now we mated just 7 times. She is epilepsy patient and she is very serious about her family. She has to look after her mother, a younger sister who is studying Law and two of her sister's kids ( her sister died ). She asks me for help whenever she falls short of money. She went to dubai in 2018, and continued her work there. I asked her to leave her job and assured a good income source and a respectful life. She hesitated to concur on my plan. The whole issue is known to my wife. She married an Indian residing in Dubai recently but for her bad luck, he is untraceable from 2 monhts in a war proned country. Now, she asked my help again after 8 months. we both were not in touch in these days. I lent her my helping hand again and expressed if she would have married me, i would have kept her happy. She loves me a lot, but since i am a married man, she does not want to create problem in my married life. I can convince my wife about her, but she (girlfriend) is not ready for it for the fear of my wife. I just can't imagine my life without her. that much i love her. I don't wish to destroy her married life either. If she gets her husband back, i will be happy, but i will be living in her memory forever, as i just cannot expect my life without her. I need your suggestion. whether to come out of her relation or continue if her hubby misses forever.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You do realize the mess that you are creating for yourself, your wife and this lady?
Do you really think it is possible to live in harmony with all these complications and then there's an absconding husband at the other end?
Be sane about the whole thing and focus on what's important to you...Your children need a stable family environment and you do not need to be told how crucial this is for them given their age...And just because your wife isn't complaining that does not mean, you just overlook what all this must be doing to her. Put your life back together and leave some things alone to sort themselves out...

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |545 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 17, 2025
Relationship
I am 36 married and have children. My life was going very well untill a girl who was my junior collegue married with children showed an interest in me as i was her senior some seven years back. The girl kept on keeping in touch with me then and one fine day i expressed my romantic interest in her. She reciprocated. We had some physical then and no sex happened. She kept in touch with me and we exchanged few sex chats too. In this period i helped girl officially. All stopped suddenly three years back where the girl was back to her home place. I felt very disturbed. I wanted to have sex with her but the girl rarely responds now. I send her messages some times but reply is very measured. I lost interest in having sex with my wife gradually. My question is i feel cheated now. I want to know how to get over her thoughts. I still want to have sex with her but there is no interest for her. I am not able to do sex with other woman too as my mind is deeply engrossed in her thoughts still. Please help.
Ans: The first step to getting over her thoughts is to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. It's okay to feel hurt, rejected, or confused. You're not alone in this, and these emotions are a natural part of the human experience. However, continuing to chase after someone who isn't reciprocating your feelings is only prolonging your pain.

You need to accept that she has moved on, even if she did show interest in the past. People’s feelings and circumstances change, and it’s likely that she decided to prioritize her family and her life away from you. Holding on to the desire to be with her is preventing you from moving forward. It’s crucial to let go of the fantasy of what could have been and focus on the reality of the situation.

To start the healing process, consider cutting off all communication with her. Continuing to reach out, even if it's just occasionally, keeps the wound open. Delete her contact information, block her on social media, and avoid places or situations that might remind you of her. It may seem extreme, but it’s a necessary step to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts.

Reconnecting with your own life is the next important step. Reflect on your marriage and figure out what led to the emotional distance with your wife. Was it purely because of the attraction to this other woman, or were there underlying issues in your marriage before that? Understanding this can help you decide how to move forward, whether it's by working on rebuilding intimacy with your wife or seeking couples' counseling to address any unresolved issues.

It’s also vital to focus on yourself. Engage in activities that you enjoy, pursue new hobbies, and spend quality time with your children. Sometimes, redirecting emotional energy into positive experiences helps to lessen the emotional grip someone has over you.

If the thoughts about her continue to dominate your mind, or if you’re struggling with feelings of guilt, sadness, or anger, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you process these emotions, explore the reasons behind your attachment, and guide you toward healing and self-acceptance.

Remember, it’s not just about moving on from her but also about rediscovering yourself and finding fulfillment in your life and marriage once again. You're not alone, and it's okay to seek help when you're feeling stuck.

..Read more

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I have utilised my sale proceedings and hence the entire capital gains by registering a new flat, but the entire payment is not released to the builder. It will be released in a phased manner as per progress of the building. Do I still need to open a CGAS account and put the unutilized capital gains money there?
Ans: Since you have already registered the new flat and fully committed the capital gains towards its purchase, you do not need to open a Capital Gains Account Scheme (CGAS) account. However, there are some key points to consider:

1. Conditions for Capital Gains Exemption (Section 54 or 54F)
You must invest the capital gains in a new residential property within 2 years (for resale property) or within 3 years (for under-construction property).
Since you have registered the property, your investment is considered "committed" even if payments are made in phases.
The Income Tax Department typically considers the date of agreement/registration as the date of investment, not the date of actual payment.
2. When is a CGAS Account Needed?
A CGAS account is required only if the capital gains money is not used before the Income Tax Return (ITR) filing deadline (July 31st) of the respective financial year.
Since your funds are already allocated towards the flat purchase, you are not required to park them in CGAS, even if disbursement is pending.
3. Ensure Proper Documentation
Keep records of the flat registration, builder agreement, and payment schedule.
Retain proofs of capital gains utilization from the sale proceeds.
If assessed, you can justify that the gains were committed for the property purchase.
Final Insights
Since you have already registered the new flat and the payment schedule is fixed, you do not need a CGAS account. However, ensure that all payments are completed within 3 years to comply with exemption rules. Keep all documents handy in case of future tax scrutiny.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2025Hindi
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Money
Is it wise to switch between debt and equity composition within a mixed fund/ULIP depending on the market, for a long term investor? Considering that NAVs will be lower in equity components during market lows and more units could be purchased for the same SIP amount? When the market moves up switch back to get a larger NAV r equity components.
Ans: Switching between debt and equity within a mixed fund or ULIP based on market movements may seem like a smart strategy. The idea is to buy more equity units when the market is down and shift to debt when the market is high. However, in practice, this approach has several risks and limitations.

Here’s a detailed analysis:

1. Challenges of Market Timing
Difficult to Predict Market Lows and Highs

Markets do not move in a straight line.
A dip may continue further, and a peak may not be the highest point.
Many investors switch at the wrong time, missing out on gains.
Emotional Biases Impact Decisions

Fear and greed affect switching decisions.
Many investors switch to debt in panic during a crash and miss the recovery.
Staying invested in equity gives better long-term returns.
ULIPs Have Lock-ins and Charges

ULIP switching may have limits and charges.
Not all ULIPs offer unlimited free switches.
Frequent switching can increase costs and reduce returns.
2. Impact on Long-Term Growth
Compounding Works Best with Consistency

Switching in and out disrupts long-term growth.
Staying in equity for 10+ years gives better returns.
Debt Returns Are Lower

Equity outperforms debt over the long term.
Shifting to debt may reduce overall returns.
Systematic Investments Work Better

SIPs average out market ups and downs.
No need to manually switch between equity and debt.
3. Better Alternatives to Switching
Asset Allocation Based on Goals

If retirement is 20+ years away, equity should be dominant.
If retirement is near, gradually move to debt.
Hybrid Funds Handle Allocation Automatically

Some hybrid funds adjust between debt and equity based on market conditions.
This reduces the need for manual switching.
Investing More During Market Lows

Instead of switching, increase SIPs when the market falls.
This allows more unit accumulation without timing risk.
Final Insights
Switching between debt and equity in a mixed fund or ULIP based on market timing is risky. Long-term investors benefit more from staying invested in equity. Instead of switching, follow a structured asset allocation strategy. Use SIPs to take advantage of market lows rather than manually shifting between asset classes.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

Money
I am 33 years old and married, currently earning an in-hand salary of ₹1.6 crore per annum. My financial portfolio consists of: Stock investments: ₹2.2 crore Mutual funds: ₹70 lakh ULIP portfolio: ₹60 lakh (annual premium ₹22 lakh) Gold holdings: ₹50 lakh Loans: ₹23 lakh car loan (EMI ₹38,000) and ₹40 lakh home loan (EMI ₹38,000) I want to ensure that I am on the right path toward financial growth and early retirement. My goal is to achieve financial freedom while maintaining a comfortable lifestyle. Could you provide guidance on: How to optimize my portfolio for higher returns and passive income?
Ans: Your financial position is strong. Your salary is high, and you have a diversified portfolio. However, there is scope for better returns and passive income. A structured plan will help you reach financial freedom faster.

Here’s a detailed breakdown:

1. Review of Your Current Investments
Stock Investments: Rs 2.2 crore
You have a large stock portfolio.

Stocks give high returns but carry risk.

Review the portfolio for weak stocks.

Ensure a mix of large, mid, and small-cap stocks.

Check if some stocks need profit booking.

Reinvest gains into high-potential stocks or mutual funds.

Keep 15-20% of the portfolio in dividend-paying stocks for passive income.

Mutual Funds: Rs 70 lakh
Mutual funds provide stability with growth.

Avoid over-diversification with too many schemes.

Actively managed funds can outperform passive funds.

Check fund performance over 5+ years.

Increase SIPs for long-term wealth creation.

Ensure a balance of equity, hybrid, and debt funds.

Debt funds help with stability but are taxed at your income tax slab.

ULIP Portfolio: Rs 60 lakh (Annual Premium Rs 22 lakh)
ULIPs combine insurance with investment.

Charges are high, reducing overall returns.

Returns from ULIPs are lower than mutual funds.

Consider surrendering and reinvesting in mutual funds.

Use a pure term plan for life insurance instead.

Gold Holdings: Rs 50 lakh
Gold is a hedge against inflation.

It does not generate passive income.

Physical gold has storage and security issues.

Consider gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds.

Sovereign gold bonds provide interest income.

Loans: Rs 63 lakh (Car Loan Rs 23 lakh, Home Loan Rs 40 lakh)
Your EMIs are Rs 76,000 per month.
Interest on a home loan is tax-deductible.
Car loan interest is an expense, not an investment.
Consider repaying the car loan early.
Continue home loan if the rate is low.
2. Steps to Optimize Your Portfolio
Increase Passive Income
Invest in dividend-paying stocks.

Add high-dividend mutual funds.

Consider corporate bonds for steady returns.

Invest in REITs for rental income without buying property.

Use sovereign gold bonds for extra interest.

Enhance Mutual Fund Investments
Increase SIPs in actively managed funds.

Ensure sectoral and market cap diversification.

Hybrid funds offer stability and good returns.

Debt funds help balance the portfolio.

Review fund performance every year.

Improve Liquidity
Maintain an emergency fund of Rs 25-30 lakh.

Keep it in liquid funds or high-interest savings accounts.

Avoid locking funds in long-term ULIPs or endowment plans.

Reduce Unnecessary Costs
ULIP charges are high; shift to mutual funds.

Car loan has no tax benefit; consider prepayment.

Ensure you are not overpaying for insurance.

Avoid investing in low-return insurance products.

Maximize Tax Efficiency
LTCG on equity mutual funds above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.
STCG is taxed at 20%.
Debt fund gains are taxed as per your income slab.
Invest in tax-efficient instruments like ELSS funds.
Use HUF and spouse’s name for tax-saving investments.
3. Financial Freedom Plan
Target Passive Income for Early Retirement
Aim for passive income of Rs 1 crore per year.

Invest in high-yield assets like dividend stocks and debt funds.

REITs and bonds provide stable income streams.

SIPs in equity mutual funds create wealth for future income.

Portfolio Allocation for Financial Growth
Equity: 60-65% (Stocks + Equity Mutual Funds)

Debt: 20-25% (Debt Mutual Funds + Bonds)

Gold: 10-15% (SGBs + Gold ETFs)

Emergency Fund: 5% (Liquid Fund + Savings)

Review and Adjust Yearly
Review stocks and mutual funds yearly.
Exit underperforming investments.
Rebalance portfolio as per risk appetite.
Adjust allocation based on market conditions.
Final Insights
Your financial position is strong. Your income allows you to invest aggressively. Focus on increasing passive income for early retirement.

Shift from ULIPs to mutual funds for better returns.
Increase investments in actively managed equity funds.
Reduce high-interest loans and unnecessary costs.
Diversify across asset classes while maintaining liquidity.
Aim for tax-efficient investments to maximize post-tax returns.
If you follow this structured approach, financial freedom is achievable. A well-balanced portfolio with growth and income assets will ensure a comfortable future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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