Hi Anu,
Hope you are in fine health!
This will take 4 minutes to read but I plead to you for help.
I am a man of 40 years, an engineer working with a reputed MNC as a manager. My wife, 37 is also an engineer working with a global service firm as process lead.
We have a son nearing 8 years.
We got married in 2012 - an arranged marriage and welcomed our son in early 2014. Things were fine largely in the initial phase. She quit her job in 2013 (a collective decision) to be in London with me for 2 years till 2015. My mother passed away in 2014 so I suggested that we return to Mumbai for good as my dad was alone. She agreed (at least I think so). Upon return I feel her father intervened too much in our family life (coming to our house unwarranted to help my wife, when my father was at my sister's place after bypass surgery).
For little things, my wife depended on them although I was always around.
In some ways I always thought she wanted me to be like her father. A couple of showdowns and family discussions later, she walked out in 2016 with our 2 year-old son.
It was a well orchestrated event with her father, sister, far-flung cousin picking her up with 8-9 bundles of belongings, including our marriage certificate and son's birth certificates (Indian and London). I viewed it as a betrayal but kept mum.
I went to her place 4 times in the following month to meet my son but her mother threatened me with 498A in the last meeting. I feel they had ulterior motives to this entire episode -- I am an IT engineer so they knew I had money.
My wife was unhappy that my dad's flat in a posh locality in Mumbai where we stayed would be split between me and my sister. She had said I and only I should be the inheritor.
She put a condition that I can meet my son only at her father's residence, so I was denied access to my son.
After a depressing wait of 2 years, I filed custody petition. I secured regular visitation rights to my son. He warmed up to me and I took him to Goa, Kerala, Mysore on separate visits. My belief was 'whatever happens to our relationship, my son should not feel the absence of his father ever'
Thinking my wife would have warmed up, I filed restitution 1.5 years later. She fought both petitions tooth and nail, denying me even 30 mins extra visitation. I was supposed to pick my son and drop him from underneath her flat.
Humiliation ensued but I stuck to being a good dutiful father which was appreciated and rewarded by the family court counsellor. I was paying his school fees and also nurtured him for 5 months in 2020 at my place when my wife and her family contracted COVID (which she claimed in court as unlawful detention of 'my' son).
May be, sensing she is losing ground, all of a sudden she agreed to a mutual divorce in April 2021 with custody shared for 15-15 days every month. A day before the final signing of papers, she asked to meet and said, 'Can't we make this work for our son ? I am ready to come back' I was getting what I always wanted so I relented. Court gave us a trial period of 3 months which went fine.
We were physical 5-6 days a week. I suggested a second kid but she used to evade the question by saying 1 kid is enough. She was gelling well with my family but I maintained a distance from her parents as I did not want a repeat.
I did not step into her house which she resented. After 3 months, I told her I need 3 more months and she was shocked but went with it. The best thing that was happening was that our son was opening up and was much less anxious.
After another 3 months, we were ready to continue as husband and wife and were ready to sign in court in Dec 2021 but got a date in Jan 2022 as judge was absent.
NOW, on 29th Dec we got to know that we are expecting.
She cried saying she does not want the baby while I feel we should go ahead. The gynaec said at 37 years, it was not too late given that we conceived naturally and she does not have any chronic issues (her reports showed possible onset of diabetes, low haemoglobin levels which doctor said can be treated).
We fought again as she said she still wants to tour the world, has her hands full with the first kid and is not mentally and emotionally prepared. My father and I spoke to her. I called upon her father who sided with her. Finally on 5th Jan she conveyed that she was firm on abortion. I said I am not part of this decision as I still feel we can afford the baby and it will strengthen our bond. We have access to the best of doctors who can ensure a good pregnancy. But she was firm so I asked her to 'Do whatever you want. I will not participate'.
I asked her to go and stay with her parents until her bleeding stops and come back to my son and me. But I warned her that this act could have consequences, however much we try not to.
WHY? Because I feel cheated. Voiceless. Helpless. Powerless. Hurt. Aggrieved. Sad. Guilty.
She took the decision independently and was completely detached emotionally from the 6-week baby so as to abort.
I am scared to say 'We will continue as husband and wife' in our end-of-trial-period hearing next week. What if she continues to be as stubborn and backstab me each time. I could go into depression. I am seeing a pattern in her behaviour.
She hasn't changed -- may be the first 6 months were a farce. She is cold-hearted, manipulative and stubborn. She leaves me when she wants, denies me access to my son in an arm-twisting tactic, makes amends when it suits her and aborts at will.
I fear I am setting myself up for bigger betrayals ( last month, she and her parents showed me flats costing ~4 crores because she wants to own one.
I bought one for 1.5 crore in 2019 where we are residing right now, in my and my father's name. I have begged that I won't be able to help her financially as I already have a loan; I have two housemaids in the house for food-utensils-mopping and they too complain that she does not get involved in any housework --- like even instructing them what to do. I have brought up sharing-of-expenses 2-3 times but stopped asking after seeing it was not heart-felt from her side) I am feeling like a doormat who is clinging to this relationship too tightly, at my own peril.
Can you assist me with questions whose answers will guide me in taking a decision on marriage v/s divorce ?
Regards
Unknown
Ans: Dear Unknown,
<>I do empathise with whatever you have shared with me. As long as you are willing to offer your emotions to be played with, you will be ping-ponging from one end to the other.
I understand that you wanted to give your marriage a fair chance; and things started to get better in the three months.
But I do fail to understand why you wanted her to go through the pregnancy especially after health challenges that she might have faced. And to keep her away especially when she needs to be with you and the child, is not something that is going to work in anyone’s favour.
Firstly, figure out this: What are you punishing her for? Are you angry with her for walking out on you in 2016 and the treatment meted out to you then and is this anger now mounting on her not wanting the pregnancy?
They are two separate events and need to be looked at separately. To displace anger from one event and map it onto the other, doesn’t show emotional maturity; it will only make matters worse for you.
Things were getting back to normal; and do respect a woman’s choice of having the baby or not…after all, she has to carry the baby within her for 9 months and when it is telling on her health, why shouldn’t you support her as her husband?
You felt cheated the first time; this time it was a decision that needed none of the past feelings coming into it.
If you do want to continue the marriage, it will be a wise decision to live under the same roof, clear all the past unresolved issues and find a way to move ahead. And also, think of the implications this is having on your son who has already experienced so much.
Do the right thing; for you, for her and for the child.
All the best!
