Hey Relationship Gurus, I am a married man 31, recently married 6months back to my girlfriend of 4yrs. We we living together for 3.5yrs before marriage. I have been a serial monogamist since 14yrs, and have been moving from one relationship to the next. I have not been completely honest in my past relationships either and have been indulging in infidelity and have a habit of pathologic lying as well. Not trying to make excuses, but I have had issues growing up and have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Now I have been honest and true to my wife and as honest as possible and have not made any bad decisions in my married life and past 3-4yrs of being with my wife during our courtship period. She is an amazing sweet and honest girl who loves me dearly and extremely. Now my biggest problem is that I keep getting thoughts and urges to go back to my old self. I keep craving to flirt with girls and women in my workplace. Is this normal? Am I overthinking and building mountains out of Moe-hills. I'm very upset because on one hand my mind keeps deviating and makes me want to do bad things and cheat n my wife and on the other side I am worried that if I am unable to control and end up acting upon my instinct I will end up irrevocably destroying my relationship and marriage.

Hello Love Guru. Let me start with, please do not disclose my name/email. That aside, I fell in love with my now wife about 3.5 years ago now but she feels like I betrayed her. The problem I created for myself. When my first girlfriend broke up with me by cheating on me the day she moved away she accepted everything. This was someone who I back then thought was the one and the relationship went on for 5 years. I was down in a very bad way! I struggled to come out of it for a couple years and during that I found out that I enjoyed any attention given to me by any beautiful girl. Even if the attention was just temporary flirting. During my single days, while I was struggling with money and keeping a good job I found a girl who I knew from back in the day and she started flirting with me on day 1 which made me smile a lot. A few weeks after that was the first time I met my now wife and somehow, I knew very quickly that I wanted this beautiful and powerful woman be the one I marry. What I did stupidly is I thought harmless flirting is a non-issue and continued (only flirting and met three times in six months for food and drinks). FYI, this girl knew that I wasn't interested and this was just fun and that I had started to feel love for someone else -- there was no physical intimacy of any kind with this girl. We were just going out to dates once every two months and would talk on phone at times. The moment I realised that things were moving fast with my now wife, I stopped everything and just focused on my wife. The problem is, I never told my wife fearing she wouldn't understand as she has a very narrow view of a relationship between man and woman. Then one day, three years later, my wife decided to check my old drive and found backup of my old phone with about 5-8 pictures of the previous girl and me sitting in a restaurant, taking selfies and laughing. My wife after this reached the conclusion that I betrayed her. My wife knows there was no physical intimacy, she knows she was just a friend but she still feels that I have betrayed her. Since then she has moved to her parent's house and she refuses to come back with me. She says that she has no faith in me anymore and that I might do this again. She says that I was happier with that girl than I am with my wife. What do I do? I don't want to lose my wife.

Hi Anu, I am happily marrried for 11 years with no kids. This doesnt hamper our relationship and I wish to continue my life happily. Issue is i feel urge to chat with female friends, get into sexting and in a couple of instances got physical as well. In this process i have lost a few friends also as they did get intimate during the chat but later on felt guilty. I do not feel guilty. Me and my wife indulge in roleplays during foreplay and i am also open to be a cuckold during that. Sometimes she enjoys the talk of someone else but sometimes she gets turned off by it. I truely love her and would never leave her. But this habit of mine has cost me a few friends and i am afraid if she would come to know about this, it will destroy her emotionally which i do not want.

Dear Kanchan, I am asking for your support as I am in a self confusion if I am doing an abnormal behaviour & if so what should I do, if not then as a professional do you come across my type of behaviour I am a 45 year old man from Assam working in bangalore , we have moved in here about 6 yrs ago before corona. I am married for 20 yrs now & a father of kids 18 & 19 yrs old going to college. I work in a mid senior position in corporate with the usual office pressure. I try my best to balance my family ,guide my kids, financial management, office but I am a person of few friends. Now one point which I think I need to say before telling my issue. I have not told anybody about it or discussed. I had a very different fantasy ( at least I feel) from my childhood, I used to fantasize in childhood that my mom is having sex with others( other then my dad) ,but NEVER fantasized she is having sex with me or me even seeing her doing sex with others, this used to give me excitement as I think most young boys/men need. This changed once I got married , though we had /have a very good & regular sex life but many time I will fantasize my wife ( instead of my mom as before) having sex with others , me not even watching. I dont know if I am unique or many guys have this sort of fantasy. I feel we have a good family life with my wife a housewife ( we had an arranged marriage)but she has many friends within our society & outside. I try level best to balance but it was not always possible given my own office load to accompany her for all places she wanted to go, some places she went with her friends but many a times she had to give up due to lack of accomplice. In early 2022 my wife met a man in a friend's children birthday party , he being an unmarried telegu guy 4-5 yrs older then me. He is from the sales team of a company but could not get married ( or wants to get married) because he is taking care of his aged mom & aunt. My wife told me about him & also that he has sent a Facebook request which she accepted, slowly they started talking especially about places where one could get good things, since he was in bangalore for long he will provide her good information, many a times I also asked her to ask from him for guidance. In mid 2022 my wife asked him to come to our place when I was at home, it was a casual meet across coffee. but from that day I dont know why I used to get a feeling about fantasizing this guy having sex with my wife. I never spoke or let anyone know about my fantasy. I did not do anything either. Now after this many times he will take her to places where directions were not enough , he introduced her to some of his friends & even to his mom & aunt in 1 year time many times he will take her to his friends birthday , puja . She click photos etc which she shows me & since we dont have common friends he even posts them in his Whatsapp status, in many photos they are too close physically. Now on reading this anyone will say a normal man will never allow this to happen & I should have put my foot down , shouted at them broke the relationship & if they did not listen go for divorce but maybe because of my above fantasy when ever she came to take permission/inform I will always be excited thinking that my wife is going around with a man only fearing or asking them to be careful that our close people/neighbours dont come to know as this will make tongues wag which they kept good till now. I will also read there whatsapp chats ( without her knowledge) & not all the talks will be like friends, this gave me added fantasy/excitement. Our family relationship has not at all changed in the last 3-4 yrs she is doing all her work & we are having normal sexual relationship. But for him I see he gets a woman like a long distance wife without marrying. Now my queries am I being abnormal? I am not gaining anything ( except fantasy excitement) . If I am so what should I do? I am in command I think I can stop it now but should I? Every one is happy & both my wife & this man's short term needs are getting fulfilled but certainly I am worried if breaking the stereotype am I inviting future uncontrolled disaster? please guide me