Dear Mam
I am a 33 year old male working in a PSU at middle management level.
Six years ago I was married happily as per my wish to a girl of my choice.
Everything was just perfect. My wife is 4.5 years younger to me. I had to go against my parents wish as they were not comfortable with a non working wife.
Mine was not a love story but yes I met girl through a common friend and went ahead for the alliance.
Our sex life was also great in the start and we welcomed a baby girl just 2 months short of our first wedding anniversary.
However now when I compare I do understand that because of household chores she could not give proper time to me, but still I feel a strong urge to have sex with her. She somehow does not reciprocate well and is dull in having sex.
Apart from this we still fight over silly things and tolerance level of both of us have gone very down. Sometimes I feel to this extent that I should walk out from the marriage because I really don't want hot talks in our relationship.
I agree I have a 5 year old baby girl. I do control my feelings and anger too to some extent.
My wife also does the same but really small things trigger me on.
Also I always have a huge sex drive and I feel that if I don't get it from my wife I should look out for other options.
I have not cheated with her but I feel that given the option I can because of sex urge. May be this is due to higher libido and I do masturbate occasionally fantasizing my neighbour or other female friends and sometimes my wife too.
I don't know what goes through me but seeing your column I felt I should tell you these small details so you could give me an honest answer.
I don't want to leave her, I do love her a lot but these fights really make me lose my cool and feel depressed.
What should be done according to you ? Should I see a psychiatrist?
Ans: Dear AY,
I will ask you to introspect and ask yourself: When did things start going downhill?
What event led to this? Surely, things don’t happen all of sudden, so something or some thought must have led to this.
Also, it’s important to understand that managing home and a child is a full time job and it tires the woman a lot.
To be in a mood for sex, the woman needs to be relaxed and calm…if the work at home is tiring, try and hire a domestic helper or any extra help that will ease her.
That way she will have more time to care for herself and her needs as well. Offer to pitch in and this will also bring the two of you closer.
Your theory of your high libido which is not being matched by your wife may or may not be true as sometimes that solution is simpler than you think.
Sadly, we are used to complicating things and look at what’s obvious in front of us.
Sex outside of marriage seems to be an option that has crossed your mind, but I do understand from your letter that you care and love your wife a lot.
Let not a moment of weakness make you shake the foundation of a beautiful relationship that the two of you share.
Have an open chat with her. Express how you feel and speak of your sexual needs.
Most often, communication solves most marriage issues. If this doesn’t work, kindly seek professional help with a marriage therapist.
Ultimately, you know why the two of you are married and why you chose her to be your wife.
Bear that in mind and a lot of yours mind struggles will ease and you will be able to think more usefully and also move into a better marriage space.
Happy 2022 and here’s wishing you the best in life!
