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Should I File for Divorce? My Wife Is Unhappy and Accused Me of Cheating

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |545 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2025Hindi
Relationship

Unable to figure out what to do. Shouls i proceed for divorce? And if yes how? Here is my story: This is a long post. But i might have still missed few small instances in between. So I got married on October 3, 2022. Our conversation started through the Jeevansathi app, but the actual conversation began in July 2022 when her father contacted me. The first contact was from their side. At that time, I was returning to Chennai from Ongole by train when I received her father's call. He asked about my job and other details, to which I mentioned that I work for SBI in Tamil Nadu. After that, our conversation started. In the early days, the conversation was really good, and she spoke very well. Later, I visited their house with my mother. During the conversation there, she mentioned that many proposals had come before, but she hadn't been able to decide. One proposal was from a guy with a package of 30 lakh, but she clearly said that money doesn’t matter to her; she wanted a good person. During that meeting, I mentioned that I am a simple person, and my family consists of only my mother and me. I also clarified that due to my job, I could be transferred. After that meeting, we did the formal engagement. Later, we brought sweets from Haldiram, and that was when our engagement was officially recognized. After that, our conversations continued regularly. For a while, everything was fine, but then we started arguing over small things. Once, I told her that I meditate, and she said, "Meditation is something foolish people do, it doesn’t help." This led to an argument. I also mentioned that if we have children, we should send them to good universities like Harvard or Oxford, and this too led to an argument, as she felt we shouldn't put pressure on children to earn money. Then came the topic of money. I shared my salary slip and explained how both working and saving money are important because expenses are high. However, she said, "Saving money is foolish, everyone lives paycheck to paycheck nowadays." I tried to explain the importance of savings, but our discussions continued to be challenging. At one point, she said she wouldn’t wear sindoor or the mangalsutra. I told her that there was no need to wear it every day, just on special occasions. I agreed with this. As the arguments increased, I spoke to her father and mentioned that maybe she didn’t want to marry me. But her father reassured me that it wasn’t true, and they would talk to her. After that, things seemed normal for a while, but small arguments kept happening. In August 2022, I visited her again. I thought we could spend some time together and understand each other better. We went to Aerocity, where we had pizza and roamed around. After that, we went to Radisson Hotel on 27th July 2022, and our engagement was finalized. Over these two months, our communication continued, and eventually, on October 2, 2022, we had our engagement ceremony, and on October 3, 2022, we got married. After the wedding, we planned a honeymoon. Initially, she wanted to go to Vaishno Devi, so I took her there by Vande Bharat Express. Her uncle arranged VIP darshan. We walked up, but on the way back, her legs started hurting, so we rode a horse. After sitting on the horse for a long time, she had back pain. I reached the hotel, tried to soothe her pain by soaking her legs in hot water, and then we slept. After that, we planned to go to Udaipur. We took a SpiceJet flight there and booked a hotel near Fatehpur Sagar Lake. She wanted a lake-view room, but it wasn’t available. She argued with the staff, and we had to move to another hotel at night. The environment there wasn’t great, but she chose it. During our visit to Udaipur Fort, she suddenly said she wouldn’t go to the restaurant with me and would go home alone. I still don’t understand the reason behind this. From that point, my behavior towards her changed. After Udaipur, we planned to go to Agra. There, she suddenly accused me of having an affair with another girl and threatened to teach me a lesson. I asked her where this thought came from, but she didn’t answer. In July and August 2022, I visited her again. We traveled together and tried to understand each other better, but she never told me much about herself. After the wedding, I visited her during Diwali. She was happy initially, but gradually she became distant and stopped talking much. She wasn’t involved in decorating the house or participating in the Diwali puja. She remained absorbed in her own world, talking to her parents or I don’t know who else, while distancing herself from me. She needed reasons to fight, while I tried to stay calm, as it was a new marriage. On October 25, 2022, I returned to Chennai, and she came to Chennai a few days later. My mother also arrived in Chennai on October 26, and she stayed with us in Chennai until December. During this time, she started fighting over every little thing. She complained about who would do the housework and kept accusing me of not having enough money. She suggested hiring someone for cleaning, even though my mother and I managed it well. Then she refused to sleep with me, and we didn’t have any physical intimacy. Whenever she fought with me, she tried to belittle me. In January, she went back to Delhi, and I went to convince her to come back in January. During Lohri, I gave her a sari and gifts, but she still didn’t talk to me properly. She treated me very badly and didn’t want to stay with us. She fought with me several times and went back to her house. In February 2023, she came to Chennai again, but things were still not right between us. In April 2024, she came back to stay with me, but the very next day, the fights started again. She accused me of having an affair with another girl and threatened me. She destroyed things in the house, broke dishes and glasses, and created a mess. When I told her mother about this, she advised me to send her back. I booked her flight, and on April 7, 2024, she left. Since then, she has not been living with me. After that, I worked hard to bring her back. It was September when I managed to convince her to come. I tried to make her stay with me, but she stayed only for 4-5 days. On the 5th day, she started fighting again and decided to leave. She went to the railway station and sat there, saying, "I cannot live with you." We argued that night, and she left the house, shouting abuses at me and went back to her home. She thought everything would be fine, but when I tried talking to her, she started blaming me for not wanting her to stay with me.

Ans: It sounds like you've tried very hard to make this marriage work, but your wife has been emotionally distant, hostile, and unwilling to engage in a meaningful relationship. From what you’ve shared, there have been continuous conflicts, false accusations, and a lack of physical and emotional connection. It seems like she is not interested in making the relationship work, and her behavior—leaving multiple times, refusing intimacy, and fighting constantly—suggests deep incompatibility.

Before making a final decision, ask yourself: Is there anything left to salvage? Do you still love her and believe this marriage has hope if both of you genuinely try? Or do you feel exhausted and trapped in a cycle of disappointment and rejection? If you feel there is nothing left, then divorce may be the healthiest option for your peace of mind and future happiness.

If you decide to proceed with divorce, start by seeking legal counsel. In India, divorce can be mutual or contested. If she agrees, a mutual consent divorce is the easiest way. If she does not, you may need to file on grounds of cruelty or irretrievable breakdown of marriage. Gather evidence of her behavior—messages, incidents, and anything that proves your case.

This is not an easy decision, but your mental health and self-respect matter. If she is unwilling to change or make efforts, you should not have to live in constant conflict. Do you think she would agree to a mutual separation, or would she fight it?
Asked on - Feb 09, 2025 | Answered on Feb 12, 2025
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I asked her family for mutual divorce since she has stopped talking to me completely and blocked me. Her father refused and said to give her time. This happened in September 2024. Till now no response.
Ans: It sounds like you’ve genuinely tried to work things out and have been patient, but the continued silence is understandably taking a toll on you. If you feel emotionally ready, you could reach out one more time, expressing your need for closure. Be honest and respectful, letting them know that while you understand they wanted to give her time, the prolonged silence is affecting your mental well-being. If you don’t receive any response, it may be time to consider moving forward with legal proceedings. Since she has blocked you and her family isn’t cooperating, a contested divorce might be the only option left. This would require filing for divorce through the court, citing valid grounds such as mental cruelty or desertion. Consulting a lawyer experienced in family law will help you navigate the process and understand the legal implications. It’s important to prioritize your mental health during this process, so consider seeking emotional support from trusted friends, family, or a counselor. You’ve done your part, and it’s okay to choose a path that allows you to heal and move forward.

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 20, 2022

Relationship
I am from mechanical background and work as an engineer. My wife is an IT professional. We got married in 2014 by finding through matrimony site and same caste. I belong from Haryana and she is primarily from UP and we have grown in different cities. She has one sister (IT professional) who got divorced in 2012 and married again in 2014 after our engagement. Everything was fine. The story started after the engagement. I noticed she used to talk her jija (PG guest house renter) and I showed him caution since she did not attend my call in between. I again noticed her commanding behaviour when we were selecting the menu selection (food) for the upcoming function that was to happen at my place but I ignored it. Honeymoon was in Singapore where his brother played a role for ticket arrangement and agency where I paid her half the amount as per her wish. In the honeymoon also, I noticed she use to go to the bathroom and keep sending information to her family members which I ignored. By now I was of a view that she use to share thick and thin with her family members. After we married, I was supposed to go to Pune for two nights and she was alone in our flat. When I came back, I asked the security guard to share visitors list and saw her jija’s name (might be with her sister). I took a photo and went to the flat. I asked her anyone had come and she lied to me. Then it turned to be a hell fight and in the morning she put herself on her knees and said sorry and said it will not repeat. But this did not stop here. My and her office was in Gurgaon and sometimes she said please come for pickup. I went to her office two hours prior to her given time and caught her again with her jija and her sister. This kind of stuff I noticed two-three times. Once, we were roaming in a craft mela and we came across her jija and her sister. She used to go her home without telling for how much time she is going and all. This resulted in no stuff shared by me also. Her parents never called me and I also never connected with her parents and brother or her family. Whenever any fight happens, she shouts loudly to attract attention and she uses sex as a tool to forget every matter and move on. On the festival front, she carries on with her ways and has never accepted our ways. She always mentions, ‘Tum logon ko puja bi nahi karni aati.’ Her brother and parents visited only five-six times in seven years. They have a big time connection with elder jija. We have never take any penny from her salary till now because, on many occasions, I found her of ill-mentality. With God’s grace, we have two flats and our financial background is good. Whenever I try to ask her about her bank balance, she never gives answers. I tried to convince her that you pay my loan, I will give you EMI, but she always said she will think about it. I have four sisters. After we married, we visited them. She never gave them a penny and would always ask me; she would also say that I don’t have khulle paise. On one occasion she said, “Mere paise chori ho gaye.” It was the initial stage so we ignored it. But after that my shirt went missing and some stuff went missing. We also noticed a few times that our money was also stolen. We suspect her but are not sure about her behaviour. My sisters stay in the village and they came once in a year so there is no disturbance from my family. My mother is 75 years old and a very polite lady. She stays with us and interferes nothing in matters. We have two kids now. One of our kids is just ignoring her and the second kid is somewhat going with her and when I am at home he also usually spends time with me. She is never kind of playing and mixing person with kids and my behaviour is to mix and that’s the reason both kids connect well with me. Her parents stay in Dhanbad. She had gone there one year back but the kids refused to go. She put the blame on me. I told her that I can come along with kids to which she said big joke. After coming back from home, I notice she started saying no to everything -- like going our second home in the village or to attend any ceremony or saying no to sex, etc. Though I am a through gentleman, we ignore her but recently she provoked me and I said blah, blah, blah since she also use blah, blah, blah and recorded and called her brother and mother at our home. They use her father only for calling. Her father called and said, ‘Why are you using bad language?’ I said the same was used by her. They came my house twice for meeting. Her brother was quiet and mother overspoke. My wife used to threaten me three-four time for divorce and I kept ignoring her words. I mentioned this to her mother. Her mother in that meeting she will be here with taunting. She did the same thing to provoke second time and this time her mother use to never stop shouting along with my wife. Her brother also used abusive language and they brought one retired inspector. However, that retired person talk genuinely. He was from Haryana and, on many points, he mentioned festivals have family traditions. I never like her food in seven years not due to the bad reflection but due to her making recipe. I tried to change it in initial days, but she always tries to be heavy on me once I approach kitchen. So I left that and started eating. After two recent fights, there are no talks and I have kept one maid to cook my food. Now she used to go in the market/bank /her family frequently to disturb the atmosphere of the family. The big disconnect I found is she is full with backbiting and negative approach behaviour and never gives heed to positive behaviour. Either she will be quiet or she will be loud and attach no midway to discuss and debate. After all this, what I concluded is that my wife is totally hacked mind and adopted ill tactics to down me. Her family members are playing smartly and may be using her money also at the same time I observe that she don’t want to break with me. They want to put pressure on me by emotion/threaten means for the gaps (kids are not connected with her or her family). My thinking is time is a big healer and I have large mind to digest the situation comings. Please suggest me what can be best interest of this situation. Thanks
Ans:

Most of what you have written makes no sense.

If she is attached to her sister and brother-in-law, or even to her whole family, that should not be an issue for you. They are her family.

It’s not like she’s having an affair. And it’s not like she spends an unreasonable amount of time with them, is it? In fact, her parents are not even in the same city.

You not liking her cooking sounds like a complaint from the Middle Ages -- hiring a cook seven years ago would have helped instead of fighting!

And if she has a temper problem, that can be addressed as well, with mature discussions between the two of you. Involving other family members there is a mistake.

You’ve given importance to so many non-issues in your mail to me that I’m wondering where exactly the problem lies. Visit a marriage counsellor -- both of you.

 

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Mohit

Mohit Arora  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Dec 25, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 25, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I am 43 yrs old . I have love marriage post 16 yrs of long battle of ups and down in personal life with my fiancee who's my wife now . In these last 16 years also she had affair with 3-4 Mens before returning to me. One of them was her office colleague who's marries now too. For. Last 2 years it was more of a distance relationship whereas she stays in one town and am in other coz of our job commitments. I had promised her to fulfill financial goals such as change in job better financial stability house car honeymoon in abroad but due to financial limitation and medical emergencies with mother I couldn't manage her expectations. Now she is saying she has given me enough time and asked for. Mutual divorce. She has filed in court also. Unwillingly just to keep her words I signed docs but I didn't want divorce Infact I love her blindly. Meanwhile I came to realize she has stated affair with same Ex colleague of been offoce who's posted t some other place. She is pressuring him to get divorce from existing wife and move on in their life post our divorce. That guy is just using her physically and financially. That guy has bought apartment by borrowing 1 Mn INR from my wife whereas in last 2 years if my medical emergency she has never ever helped with even 10k and always shows me as a bigger for. Money. I know end result would be divorce as she wants the same and now openly she is enjoying her days and weekends with that guy. Have told to her family members but being financially independent she hardly listens to anyone. She is branch manager of govt bank and. I am private job employee. Her age is 33 yrs and her existing boyfriend age is also same. Working in same organisation. I am helpless what to do knowing the fact she has been giving herself to her boyfriend. In marriage relationship she has betrayed me again. She is asking for divorce to look after her rest of life in better way. I don't know what to do I loved her blindly n still do.
Ans: She has not betrayed you. Your relationship with her appears to be transactional. You don't love her. You are just needy because you don't have any other options. My advice is to give her divorce and move on. If you need help with that, you can reach out to me.

She doesn't owe you anything. Take your own responsibility as a man and get a better woman who loves you

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1520 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi , I am a professor mech engineer , after death of my wife and due to having 5 year girl baby I planned for 2 nd marriage as I live alone away from home town because my of job with my little baby . I accepted a widow having 2 child ,she was working in a govt job 250 km away , after ensuring and agreeing her possibility of transfer and job vacancy @govt office near my house and ensuring she agreed that she will come to live with me along with her 2 kids and my little baby as her trasfer was due in comming few months . We lived apart during her job at 250 km away.,while meeting on weekly offs 6 /7 time in 6 months , then she take 360 degree u turn and said she will not get job transfer to my place and get her trasfer in other dept. in same previous office. And started telling many reasons like she will loose her children's inheritance in her in-laws property ,she will loose promotion , kids Don't want trasfer , and said we will live apart forever . This was contradictory to earlier agreed things .and my my purpose to live in family with my baby not fulfilled , so after long ruckus ,I mutually got divorce from her , Then After divorce I decided to marry non working women having no child and don't expect child as I am @48 year old and tired of living alone and managing job ,girl , house chores . I married to a divorcee girl from Pune ,she was BA first year college drop out girl of 44 yr age after 6 months of long dating on week ends . During 6 months I tried to know her indepth but was don't used to talk much as I was trying to know her true nature, we visited many places ,movies . She seemed perfect as per my requirement of girl wanting no child , and she is house wife . after marriage she behave well for 1 st week ,then she started trouble to hate my baby ( became kaikai )on pety things , she want my baby to house chores at the cost of her important year of 10th std study . She don't liked me taking tution of girl , she didn't like if I help my girl any way . She don't like if I spent some money on my girl . She used to fight all night and don't let me sleep . Now she stated demanding that she want baby , though I was against and b4 marriage agreed to not have any more child due to old age ,cost ,and no personal time for self , then I agreed to have child but b4 that I got her and my fertility tested ,she had weak eggs and syst on her reproductive organs and doc warned to not go for pregnancy due to risk and probability of unhealthy baby birth , but she kept repeating That she want child we consulted 4 Drs. She used to fight and go to her mother's home for 2/4 months after living with me for 2/3 days only . Now she wants divorce , and asks me to keep my girl in hostel if I want her in my life . This Ramayan has left me baffled , What should I do ??? .....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The reason to marry for you mainly has been companionship, a mother for your daughter...
And marriage is not a transaction BUT a meeting of minds...when there is no compatibility, there is no space for agreeing on the same things or wanting to make things work which is possibly what has happened with your 2nd and 3rd marriage.
If you want this marriage to work, there has to be an equal commitment by both of you, so, start by emotionally bonding first. Slowly build on this by making goals for the marriage and the future...your only goal can't be mother for your child...not all women are going to readily accept this and some may even falter along the way. Allow the lady and your daughter to bond together for sometime so they develop a unique relationship...
Understand that transactional relationships do not last; so, invest enough time in building trust in that companionship for it to become something meaningful

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |545 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 14, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I met my ex wife in the college where we both were pursuing out studies. We exchanged contacts and started speaking over phone like couple does. When we fall in live we ourselves don't know as no one propose to each other. As i finished my studies, she quit studies in the middle and decided to do hotel management course. Amd it so happened, next day her interview was lined up but unfortunately due to unavoidable circumstances she has to go to her native place. As Covid struck she git stuck in her native place and couldn't come back. And when everything became normal i insisted her to come but her mom was not allowing. After a lot of struggle her mom allowed her and she came back. In this course of time both families was aware about our relationship. My mom was against her because of 2 reasons, 1) Intercaste 2) She was from very poor and low caste background. Them too i continued the relationship and i convinced to my sister and she convinced to mom. And when she was in native place, she said once that her voice has gone has gone she need 50k for operation. I trying madly to arrange funds and one of my friend told me that she is playing with you be careful but as i was blind in love i necer listened him. When she came to Mumbai i arranged a pg accommodation for her for some time and i use to take her out for dinner as there use to be regular fights with owner. Somehow i convinced my mom and shifted her to my place. There use to be fights but we use to care for each other also at the same time. She started to do events and slowly and steadily started to work in media. She was well aware that i dont like girls working media then too i have her permission to work in media temporary. I went against everyone, my family and friend and after 7yrs of relationship we decided to get marry and it was working fine. After marriage fight increased and she used to taunt though i did so much for her. Once she was not well and as she used to taunt me i never took care of her. One day my dear friend told me to check her phone, she might be seeing someone. And when i checked she was having an affair with Assistant director, i saw msgs photos. And when i confronted she said "He is just a friend and we talk normally" I saw they both on one bed and when i forward their pics to her mom she said "There might be some problem in you only." And when i asked to my ex wife about all this she said "A person goes where he or she gets love and care" All this happened within 6-8 months of our marriage. When i came to know about all this i tod her to leave my house and she was asking for divorce because of my mon's behavior also. I think i should have not tell her to leave as when she left i don't know but i love her very much. I even told her to give me one chance as i gave her but she didn't stopped talking with her bf. And she didn't gave me a chance and went away. We have been legally divorced but still i love her and ready to accept her. But she doesn't want to come back. I am trying to forget her but couldn't. Luckily we don't have kids. Sometimes my heart says let her go she cheated you. Sometimes it says i love now also. I am struggling to forgot her as i am in contact now also. Please suggest. Thank you
Ans: it's important to acknowledge and honor the love you felt and still feel. Love doesn’t simply disappear overnight, and it’s natural to have lingering emotions, especially when you’ve shared so much history and effort to keep the relationship going. However, it’s also crucial to recognize the harm and hurt caused by her actions and the unresolved issues that led to the breakdown of your marriage.

The fact that she chose not to return and continues to maintain contact with the person she was involved with suggests that she has moved on emotionally, even if you haven’t. Holding onto hope for reconciliation can keep you trapped in a cycle of pain and longing, which makes it harder to heal and move forward.

Your heart and mind are sending you mixed signals because you’re torn between the love you still feel and the reality of the betrayal. This is a common struggle after a significant loss, but it’s important to focus on what’s best for your emotional well-being. Continuing to be in contact with her may be preventing you from healing fully. It might be beneficial to create some distance, at least temporarily, to allow yourself the space to process your feelings and begin the healing process.

Focusing on yourself and your own growth is essential. Consider engaging in activities that bring you joy, spending time with supportive friends and family, and possibly seeking professional counseling to help you work through your emotions and develop strategies to move forward.

Letting go is difficult, especially when you still have love for someone, but it’s a crucial step towards healing. Accepting that the relationship has ended and focusing on your future can help you find peace and eventually open the door to new possibilities for love and happiness.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |1030 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

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Money
Hello sir, I am 33years old and like to have a stable life with a good retirement corpus along with children education. I have 2 sons both are of 1 and 3years old respectively and my wife is a housewife. I am having FD of 16L, 10L in gold, bought a flat paying housing loan EMI of 25K, having term insurance for 1cr and health insurance for 4L. I am making investments in mutual funds SIP of 30k since last 1 year. Hdfc dividend yeild fund 1000 Icici bluechip fund 8000 Quant small cap fund 1000 Canara robecco small cap fund 1000 Uti nifty index fund 5000 Icici balanced advantage fund 5000 Jm flexicap fund 2000 Quant elss fund 5000 Parag pareekh flexicap fund 2000 Lumsum Investments Sbi healthcare fund 20K Quant infrastruture fund 10k Sbi magnum gilt fund 20k Plz advice....am i really doing good with these investments or shall i replan my investments....
Ans: Hello;

Having 12 funds(9 sip+3 lumpsum) in portfolio is not required.

You need to just 4 funds for your sip of 30 K(divided equally):
1. Flexicap fund
2. Large and midcap fund
3. Balanced advantage fund
4. Multi asset allocation fund

You may consider exiting the sectoral, thematic and debt fund owned by you and redeploy it in your regular funds.

This ensures equity(large cap oriented)is predominant asset class in your portfolio but it also has exposure to debt and gold for balance and risk mitigation.

Also keep a target to step up sip amount every year by 7-10% atleast.

This will go towards higher education provision for your kids. (~1.85 Cr in 15 years considering 7% annual top-up and 10% modest returns)

For your retirement planning you may consider NPS and start with a decent amount(~30 K pm) as regular investment since time is on your side(27 years to hit 60 age).[3.45 Cr in 27 years without any step up consideration. 8% returns assumed].

Consider buying home loan insurance and super top-up health cover.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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