Hello I am married for last 11 years and we have a 9 year old son. We have seen many ups and downs during the early year of our marriage, in our relationship and in economically as well. I even left my work after my son was born, spent all my savings fulfilling his and my wishes. My husband only use to provide us with the basics. We live with our in laws. My father in law has all the control our the money we earn in our business and my mother in law wants to control the whole house. So I limited myself to my room to avoid any arguments. My husband promised me monthly allowance before I got pregnant for the first time. Which I never received. Now I started working again and I am earning well, I finally feel happy again. But now he started asking for second child. Which I actually never want. Because nothing changed from his side. He doesn't provide us with much, we need a bigger house if we have another kid as I can't raise Children with so much age gap in one room as our son still sleeps with us. He only say it will happen eventually but that is what he said even before. I do want a second child but I know I will never be happy with it. Because I will have to leave work and he will not provide us that well. Kindly suggest me what to do

Ans:

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What exactly is your question for me? Since you haven't asked me one, I am just going to give you my observations and suggestions.

Your husband is possibly a lazy person OR scared of taking on anything due to fear of failure and is okay being stagnant due to these fears.
Please re-think your decision of having a second child until the time your husband assumes certain responsibilities that bring in steady income. Till your financial position is secure, there's no point in adding any sort of new responsibilities to your lives, right?
As far as what makes your husband do what he is doing, and sticking by his friend; there is not much information that I have...maybe you know this better...ask an elder male member from his family to speak with him and hope things fall in place.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: When it comes to having children, your hesitation makes sense. Bringing a child into the world is a profound decision that requires emotional readiness and practical planning. If you’re feeling unsupported or uncertain about your husband’s ability to contribute—financially, emotionally, or practically—it’s wise to pause and reflect. Your decision to delay this step shows your self-awareness and your commitment to creating a stable and nurturing environment for a child. That’s admirable.

Your concern about his career trajectory is another important factor. A marriage thrives on mutual effort, and it’s reasonable to expect your partner to take responsibility for his own growth and stability. However, it’s also worth exploring why he’s been unable to sustain a job. Is it a matter of confidence, market conditions, or something deeper like a lack of motivation or direction? If he hasn’t been taking things seriously, as you’ve mentioned, it’s important to have a frank and compassionate conversation about how this is impacting both of you.

At the same time, his love for you seems genuine, and it’s important to recognize that. His suggestion for you to change your job might stem from a place of care, possibly concern for your health or the toll of shift work. However, if your current job provides financial stability and satisfaction, you need to weigh that against his concerns. Ask yourself: is this request aligned with what’s best for you both, or is it coming from his own discomfort with his current situation?

As you navigate these emotions, take some time to reflect on your core needs and values. What does partnership mean to you? Are your current frustrations a temporary phase, or are they reflective of deeper, long-term patterns in the relationship? It’s also worth considering whether he is open to making real changes. Has he shown willingness to take responsibility for his career and future? Does he listen to your concerns and actively work toward addressing them?

It’s okay to have moments where you question why you’re in this relationship—doubt doesn’t mean failure. It means you care enough to want something better for both of you. If you feel the love is worth fighting for, then it’s essential to have honest, open conversations with your husband. Express your feelings without blame and seek to understand his perspective as well. Couples counseling can also be a valuable tool to help you both navigate these challenges together and find a path forward.

However, if you find that the emotional and practical gaps in the relationship persist despite your efforts, it’s okay to ask yourself whether this partnership is meeting your needs. You deserve to feel supported, valued, and secure in your marriage. Whatever decision you make, let it come from a place of self-respect and a desire to build the life you truly want. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for guidance shows how deeply you care about making the best decision for your future.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Second or subsequent marriages come with their own set of challenges; one being accepting the other person's reality from their past which is children.
Yes, you are right that it is never easy to accept and raise another person's child BUT hey it's also possible, right? Why go behind what's not possible and actually think what can be possible; especially because you seem to want this new marriage to work. Then make it work. Once you accept things for what is, you will figure out a way to manage your work and also your newer responsibilities. Life does not move exactly the way you want or wish, but if you focus on the good side of it, a lot of things that bother you become easier to handle. Actually, start to get excited about your new phase of life BUT if you are going into the marriage with conditions, it may get challenging. It's not fair to want one child and not want another. It disturbs their equilibrium and what they share with their father.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: start by having a direct and open conversation with your prospective partner. It’s crucial to clearly communicate your feelings about the elder child staying at home, especially regarding the need for privacy and the impact of his aggressive behavior. Explain how this change affects your comfort and daily life, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a harmonious living environment.

In tackling the privacy issue, consider discussing potential adjustments to the home’s layout. Creating separate living spaces or setting up rules that establish personal boundaries can help ensure everyone feels comfortable. Developing a routine that allows for private time with your daughter will also be essential in maintaining a balance.

Regarding the transition to a small town, research the local job market thoroughly. Look for opportunities that align with your career goals and consider remote work options if they’re available. It’s also important to engage with the local community to build a support network. Attend community events, meet potential neighbors, and get a feel for the town’s environment. Having a backup plan, such as maintaining connections in your current city or setting aside a financial cushion, will give you added security should the move not work out as expected.

Blending families is a significant emotional and practical challenge, so consider family counseling as a way to address potential conflicts and improve communication. A counselor can provide valuable strategies to help everyone adjust to the new living arrangements and understand each other’s perspectives. To ease into this change, propose a trial period where you can test the dynamics without committing long-term right away. This will give you the opportunity to evaluate how well you and your daughter adapt to the new situation.

Lastly, it’s essential to address your fear of being alone. Reframe this fear by focusing on the positives of independence. Remind yourself that it’s better to be single and emotionally secure than in a relationship that feels overwhelming or stifling. Use this time to invest in personal growth, hobbies, and building a fulfilling life for you and your daughter. Keeping an open mind about future relationships is healthy, but it’s important to ensure any new partnership aligns with your values and meets your emotional needs.

By taking these steps, you can approach the situation with clarity, ensuring that any decision you make is grounded in what’s best for your well-being and that of your daughter.