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Love Guru

Love Guru   |175 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Aug 25, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Aug 25, 2022Translate
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Relationship

Hello love guru.
I wanted to know if I am wrong or right. As my husband has blocked me from phone by all means and do not even talk to me, so what should I do? I am working far from my Father in laws home where he stays with his brother (divorcee). He is not working and I am working and taking care of two daughters. Whenever he comes here, he fight a lot saying insane and sarcastic words to me. Since two and half months he stayed with us and left us (though he sometimes talk to my daughters only). I feel alone and nobody is there to support me or even talk to me for my emotional support. Now somebody has started talking to me and even I started, I really do not know what to do. Kindly guide. I told this to my husband also and he says whatever you wish you do.. I do not know why he says like this..He did not even tried to search a job where I am working, but when he went to inlaws there he started searching interestingly. If we do not talk then how  our relation will continue being husband. Also I found many times that he keep on searching call girls from his mobile phone search history and even his friends at inlaws told me that they saw girl accompanying him..but even I want to forget all these things as I found my daughters feel happy to talk to him..but what about my emotions and my physical needs..who will take care of if this keep on continued...as after marriage I found no happy-happy situations for me atleast..he says he lost all his jobs because of me..But all baseless objections...and blames me, harms me by beating also some times..I some times cry alone... but  this is not the life I expected after working so hard...I also used to pay him all money whatever he and whenever he demnaded.. I paid more than 10 lakhs of savings to him till date and did not even ever counted..he also stolen all gold from home without even asking me..I want to forgive him for all but when he is not interested in talking to me and just ignores me then how and why I should continue with him..just because he is my husband..or should I remarry to someone who is really willing to marry me...knowing all these things..or should I dont? As a mother of two daughters I sometimes think..that my only responsibility is to upbring my daughters...but then I also needs someone's emotional support...though economically independent..I also said to him to give me alimony as he does not pay anything to me and also file for divorce...as even I have a right to live happily...kab tak aise hi aansu bahau uske liye jisne mujhe block hi kar rakha hai from phone?
I am confused please help me out!!

Ans: You have a husband who is an unemployed, good-for-nothing bum, who doesn't show you respect, steals from you, lives apart from you, likes to associate with call girls, blames you for his failures, beats you and doesn't care if you have an affair. He ‘talks to your daughters sometimes’. Honey, you need to be emailing a divorce lawyer, not this column. And do it immediately. Yes, you're more than just a mother and you do deserve emotional support. You should cut him loose immediately.   

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Hi Anu, 10+yrs of marriage with 9yr child. I am working and all financial burden is on me. I shifted separately from in-laws' house due to financial constraints and expectations. Though elder-in-law, my in-laws didn't try to stop our decision to move separately despite knowing that my hubby doesn't earn a single penny. They expected and I had to share financial expenses with my marginal income 10 years ago. After 5 years, we moved nearby and purchased our own house very little help from in-laws. I took loan and managed the rest with help from my family and friends. In between a lot happened. My father-in-law expired and my mother-in-law is a cancer patient. My mother-in-law started expecting from my hubby and me, probably because her younger son shifted with her family. She didn't want to live with them due to differences with her wife. She complained to my husband that we are not good enough to take care of her. I already had a lot of burden from office so I told my husband to take care of our child as well for sometime. He was quite depressed and frustrated with his inability to earn. Already lot of my hard-earned money has been put in his work n wasted.Now, the real problem during these difficult times began when we started fighting. I had lot of office stress and after mother in law complained, she shifted with her other son. At times, I got frustrated with my child also due to the whole mess, financial burden. I felt like all my hard earned money was wasted due to office stress and my hubby's irresponsible behaviour. He did not even take care of my child’s studies. He started watching porn... I saw him twice and even warned him. My husband started cheating on me with our maid. He did it when he was stressed because I was not able to give him time. I confronted him and since then it has been an emotional trauma. I am yet to accept it. 9 months have been passed. We decided on certain things but I couldn’t accept it.. Due to our emotional bond, I gave him another chance... During that time he accepted and was ready to leave everything and wanted me to be happy. He said he committed a big mistake but recently I found he called that b**ch later. When I confronted him he said he’d advised not to come home in front of his family members. I decided it would be best for him to move out and work from another place. My MIL was living with me but then I felt it too much at times.. now somewhat even my child has emotionally detached from him. It’s the same with him as we've been staying separately from 7 months. He visited 3 times during puja and other needs. I feel emotionally detached and I can’t digest the family situation.Sometimes I feel it's difficult to find the courage to avoid all and live alone. What's the point in living in a marriage for sake of it without having any emotional, physical, financial dependency or security?I am 39 and earn a decent salary at this moment. But I am not sure of my future as I work in a private firm. I am worried about my child’s education, old age, financial insecurity and burden. I haven’t been able to save much because of our financial liabilities and husband’s investments in businesses that never materialised.Before this incident, my husband supported me in my career and also to bring up our child. But what happened is too much and unexpected. Any suggestions?
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 06, 2021

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I am in a very difficult situation I am not getting what to do so I am writing you this mail for your suggestion. I was in love from 6years our love life was very good . We were very happy and promised to get married also but suddenly my boyfriend said we can’t marry because of his family issues so I accepted that with a big heart. He asked me to marry another guy I accepted that also. And after some days my marriage got fixed with another guy and I got married also. But soon after my marriage my boyfriend realised my love and started crying. He started calling me and soon after 2 days of my marriage he was continuously calling me and this created a very big problem. My husband saw his calls and msgs and started chatting with my boyfriend pretending to be me only. They both talked and my boyfriend told my husband everything about our past things. My husband got angry he started beating me getting angry on me started following me and due to all this he left me. After my husband left me I called my boyfriend and said: Now my husband left me so what to do. You are also not accepting me. My boyfriend said: I don't have anything to do with you I don't need you at all and plz go away from my life. Now I don’t know what to do. Can you plz help me or guide me.
Ans: Dear V, I can only imagine what you are going through.

One man (husband) judges your situation and as hard as it is for any person, it would have been great if he didn’t play peeping Tom and instead confronted you to work things out with you. And the other man (boyfriend) dumps you in sheer fright and runs for his life.

Do you seriously want to beg either of them for a place in their lives?

They have both displayed total lack of maturity! But in their defense, they have felt cheated and not known how to deal with the situation. BUT nothing justifies physical abuse…

I do work with couples to bring them together where it seems possible. Reconciliation with your husband is possible both of you choose that path. Involve a senior member from both sides of the family and bring it to a neutral place; shedding egos along the way.

Work with a Marriage Therapy expert who can then help you re-evaluate your priorities and put things in perspective.

Work as a team (if both of you want that) and rebuild the marriage. It might seem like a lot of work, but it’s possible…So, move in that direction if you see that glimmer of hope as well.

Best wishes.

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Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

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Relationship
I am from Hyderabad. Age 40 years old . My name is XY and I’ve been married for 17 years. I have two boys. Ours is a love marriage.I felt like everything will be good and smooth but right after our elder kid was born my life changed. I am an MBA and several times I told my husband that I’d like to work. He said he’d help when the right time and opportunity comes. Until then I should nurture my kids as it's my responsibility and I should support him. But in the 2015, my kid noticed his chats with another lady. I was shocked because many times he’d refused sex with me. We’d get intimate maybe twice or thrice a year. I thought he was busy or maybe he doesn’t like my body. But when I caught him he said, what is over is over. Don't raise the topic. Leave me. I just kept quiet. He said what ever happened, I will be the same for my kids’ future sake. Many quarrels happened. But in 2020 his behaviour came to light. For example if I said anything, he'd punish me by not speaking to me for months. But he'd want me to wash his clothes and fulfil other necessities at home.Once I opened up and said I want to go for counselling. There he told the doctor, ‘She wants my property but she never allows me to care of my mom. She won't allow me to talk to my friends.’ I was shocked. I told him 'I never asked for money or property. I just want to quit.' I went home and told myself if he repeats this another time I won't take it for granted. But again in the month of February, he continued his behaviour. He shifted to another bedroom for a few months where he’d watch TV and have food. He'd even sleep in the kids’ bedroom. I stopped bothering. At some point, I felt like I deserved someone who trusts me.I want to quit because he thinks I am a loyal maid who will take care of kids and the household. He communicates with like ‘What I should get? Milk veggies etc?’ He never treats me with love and affection. Now everything is spoiled. I want to have a new life. I want to be set free from him. Please suggest what to do.
Ans:

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!

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Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 13, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2023Translate
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Relationship
Hi I'm marriwd for 13 yrs...now a stage of seperation has come in life...to start with got married in 2010.. Thouhh we are of same caste n language but I was totally born and brought up in north and he pure typical South Indian...it was arrange marriage with not much talks between n soon happened marriage after marriage there was no physical relationship after just very hardly 2+times not with any int that also ..innone half month caught his one affair n then multiple affairs after that also...but always have insulted me for not being good looking(trust me there are people who r just behind me for being good looking )i dont earn properly nor helpful in financial nor cook proper as I'm from north my pref is north but his south but still learnt n kept cooking...but never ever appreciated..after 2-half yrs of marriage planned for baby through IVF not natural gave some lies reason to hospital n did artificial pregnancy n told me I don't want have relation with u n have my stress...somehow I have now a daughter who is 10 yrs..after pregnancy I gained lotta weight from 55 I shooted to 80 n again his insult comparison started ..over period of years I lost my weight n became much more good looking than before now I have weight before marriage also...came down to 52 ... vacation takes once a year 2-3 days Max to Goa only Goa no othe eplace have seen...there also keeps on sleepin for most of time if asked to go out tells came for relaxin not roamin food also have to fight...I jus go for daughter sake and like the place...also I have caught him in his bag keeping and still using tabltes like viagara sedenefil tradamol etc but where he goes n has relation God knows is very egositic jus treat me like slave I should jus clean house cook not spend n earn also n not go out creates huge ruckus if go for bday party or function also nevertheless I go ...off lately I lost my way also had a emotional attachment with a man who understood me n tri d to help financialy n eveyway which husband caught hold off n startwe torturing me n blamin me I'm not proper I'm dirty women this that but I blamed him when husband is not doin role of husband what I should do ..also one more fact when they married thier family lies about his first divorce hid and married which I got to know after my kid...still never accepts his fault n when I pin pointed his defects and his affairs n everything he tells he can do anythin doesn't mean I can do anything I want...now parents side they r supporting me for divorce but thier behaviour is also very dominant n order kind if I losten like goat they wil do else they r some super special PPL change like wind ...bit for sometime untill settle I have to be there...coming to maintenance fee and all husband keeps blackmailing I have proof of ur affair I can show to court but I'm not doin do mutual n agree for amount he tells not what I ask..he has never told his real salary till now to me n tells will give 15k per month n my demand is 25k coz daughter is also with me n I don't wnat to depened on money of parent I wil woke too but I'm not so high qualified ...pls tell me I should divorce n lead life seperate I tried to calm down situation but no responses from him last six month back I had left n gone my relative talked n tried teo reconcile took me back but after comin last 5months has not spoken a single word nor gave one rupee also to me...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband does not seem like a person who is stable or can offer stability. And this is evident in his behavior of the past many years. So, if you are someone who seeks security and stability within a marriage, I am sure you know what is the right decision to make regarding the marriage.
If you decide that stepping out of this marriage is the right thing, kindly hire the services of a lawyer who can draw up the terms of separation that will secure your daughter's future as well. In the meantime, start searching as to what work you can do...start with something small and many doors will start to open up. Work from home (with the skill sets that you have) can be a good option. Financial independence will go a long way in helping you stand on your feet and also bring in a lot of confidence that you actually need.
Whether you choose to continue in the marriage or not, you identity is something that you must focus on. It helps you to be firm and strong. So, focus on yourself and create a stronger self.

All the best!
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Moneywize

Moneywize   |59 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Feb 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 24, 2024Translate
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I will be retiring in October 2024 and expecting a retirement corpus of Rs 80 lakh. I would be spending 60 per cent of this amount on my son’s medical admission and studies. How should I invest the rest in different sectors to earn monthly income of nearly about 40,000?
Ans: Given your retirement corpus of Rs 80 lakh and your plan to allocate 60% of it towards your son's medical admission and studies, which amounts to Rs 48 lakh, you'll have Rs 32 lakh remaining for investment. To generate a monthly income of approximately Rs 40,000, you'll need to carefully plan your investment strategy. Here's a suggested approach:

1. Assess Your Risk Tolerance: Before investing, consider your risk tolerance, investment horizon, and financial goals. Since you're retiring soon and seeking a regular monthly income, it's advisable to focus on relatively stable and income-generating investment options.

2. Allocate Funds: With Rs 32 lakh available for investment, you can allocate the amount across different investment instruments to achieve diversification and manage risk.

3 Income-Generating Investments: To generate a monthly income of Rs 40,000, you'll need investments that offer regular payouts. Here are some options to consider:

a. Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS): This government-backed savings scheme offers quarterly interest payouts. You can invest up to Rs 15 lakh individually and earn regular income at a fixed interest rate, currently around 7.4% per annum.

b. Post Office Monthly Income Scheme (POMIS): Another government-backed scheme that provides monthly income. The maximum investment limit is Rs 4.5 lakh for an individual account and Rs 9 lakh for a joint account. The current interest rate is around 6.6% per annum.

c. Fixed Deposits (FDs): Consider investing a portion of your corpus in fixed deposits offered by banks or financial institutions. Opt for monthly interest payout FDs to generate regular income.

d. Debt Mutual Funds: Invest a portion in debt mutual funds that focus on generating steady income with relatively lower risk compared to equity funds. Choose funds with a track record of consistent returns and low expense ratios.

4. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): For investments in mutual funds or other growth-oriented instruments, consider setting up a systematic withdrawal plan. SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount regularly, which can serve as your monthly income.

5. Emergency Fund: Set aside a portion of your corpus as an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses or contingencies. This fund should be easily accessible and parked in liquid or low-risk instruments like savings accounts or liquid funds.

6. Review and Adjust: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and income requirements. Adjust your asset allocation and investment strategy as needed based on changing market conditions and personal circumstances.

It's crucial to consult with a financial advisor or planner who can provide personalised advice based on your specific situation and goals. They can help you create a comprehensive retirement plan and investment strategy tailored to your needs, risk tolerance, and income requirements. Additionally, consider tax implications on your investment income and consult with a tax advisor to optimise your tax efficiency.
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