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Kanchan Rai |645 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 14, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 30, 2025Hindi

Hello Mam, My father never wanted to have my own career choices but I finally took my decision and left IIM after 1 year and now working in central government job, even though he was verbally everyday and even my mother didnot believed that I will be able to clear any exams. I am an 28 year old women, I got my posting out of home and when I was finally free, my father and mother with their connections made me transfered and my current posting is at my hometown and again I am living with them. Everytime when I go out I have to inform them where I am going why I am going when I will come home back. I am afraid that my father will again start abusing my mother if I will get married by my own choice. The boy family is good and even he is successful in his career. My parents know him as my friend. But their habit of not giving me freedom and micromanaging because of their insecurities is stressing me out!

Ans: Your parents' controlling behavior isn’t about your capabilities — it’s about their fear of losing control. Often, when parents are deeply conditioned by societal expectations, they confuse love with control. What may seem like “concern” on the surface is, at its core, a refusal to trust your maturity and autonomy. You’ve built your life with discipline and hard work, and yet they continue to micromanage your every move, which is emotionally suffocating. It’s even more complex because your father has a history of verbal abuse, which creates a fear-based silence in the household — especially around decisions like marriage.

You’re not wrong to feel stressed. You’re not overreacting. You’re simply reacting to a system that constantly undermines your independence. And now, with love and marriage in the picture, the pressure increases — not just because you want to choose your partner, but because you know the emotional cost your mother might pay if your father feels challenged again.

Here’s the hard truth: living your life to protect someone else’s comfort or to avoid conflict is not truly living. Yes, you love your mother, and yes, your father’s patterns may continue — but your life cannot be paused or dictated by his inability to manage his own emotions. You are not responsible for his temper or his ego. You are responsible for your own peace.

This doesn’t mean rebellion — it means building quiet strength. If this relationship is truly what you want, start gently setting emotional and logistical boundaries. You can continue to present him as a “friend” for now while you plan your next step. You may need support — from a mentor, therapist, or trusted elder — to navigate this transition calmly and safely.

What’s most important is that you do not let fear become your compass. Your parents’ insecurities are not your burden to carry forever. Your life, your relationship, your happiness — they are yours to own. And if you ever feel overwhelmed, remind yourself of everything you've overcome already. You walked away from a premier institute and built something solid for yourself. That kind of strength doesn’t go away — it just needs permission to rise again.